Can we survive recovery together?
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Can we survive recovery together?
Part of acceptance....is getting realistic about "the chances" and so that we don't get stuck in the magical thinking/hoping. I have read over and over that spouses/SO's say "If he/she would only get sober." "if he would just stop."
But then, I read what seems to be a recurring notion in threads that a lot of marriages/long term relationships just don't make it through recovery.
I was wondering if those of you that have been there done that would care to share your stories?
I'll start, AH been sober for over 90 days. Didn't involve me or the kids in the family portion of his inpatient by choice. Tells the kids that this separation/divorce is a relationship issue and has nothing to do with his alcoholism. So the kids refuse to go to counseling or alanon despite my giving them all the literature to show it is a family disease. "Dad said it isn't necessary mom." I come here and have a local group and individual therapy
AH blames me for his low self esteem (he says I broke him) and says he needs to start over and put his old life and me behind him. Did the same thing to his first wife before he met me. Was married to her 10 years walked out and never looked back and now is doing the same to me after 25 years.
My part was that I reacted to his abuse and indifference by cycling between depression and anger. I was pretty codependent when we were first married but then lead a life that was either interdependent when our marriage was good, or independent (I called myself "Married single" and had a little secret group of women in the same boat that would get together on a fairly routine basis) when we were in rough patches. When I was younger I know I name called back but I stopped doing that seven years ago with a lot of therapy. But I did point out everything he said he would do that he didn't, every "I forgot", every time he dissappointed me, so I guess I held a mirror up to his failures pretty much all the time as I got worn out forgiving for that which was never apologized for...unless it was apologized for and then repeated again and again. I kept it to the issues, he personally attacked me for bringing it up to take the focus off his behavior and scapegoated, gaslighted, etc. Almost had me thinking I was really the crazy one.
He is not taking any responsibility on with regard to parenting or household bills or maintainence, seeing our son for dinner once every couple weeks, not "ready" to take on shared parenting. He says he is serene for the first time in his life. Actually, I think he really likes his self-centered life where he can go where he wants, do what he wants, whenever he wants. He has started divorce proceedings. Part of me wanted to stay separated through the first year or more to see if the behaviors were from the disease or if they were just really him all along. I mean he was self absorbed from the day I met him, but the callous, uncaring, mean and emotionally and verbally abusive part increased as time went on and didn't get really bad until the last several years...and I haven't seen them subside with sobriety. Going to two or three AA meetings every day. Says they are his new family. That's my story.
But then, I read what seems to be a recurring notion in threads that a lot of marriages/long term relationships just don't make it through recovery.
I was wondering if those of you that have been there done that would care to share your stories?
I'll start, AH been sober for over 90 days. Didn't involve me or the kids in the family portion of his inpatient by choice. Tells the kids that this separation/divorce is a relationship issue and has nothing to do with his alcoholism. So the kids refuse to go to counseling or alanon despite my giving them all the literature to show it is a family disease. "Dad said it isn't necessary mom." I come here and have a local group and individual therapy
AH blames me for his low self esteem (he says I broke him) and says he needs to start over and put his old life and me behind him. Did the same thing to his first wife before he met me. Was married to her 10 years walked out and never looked back and now is doing the same to me after 25 years.
My part was that I reacted to his abuse and indifference by cycling between depression and anger. I was pretty codependent when we were first married but then lead a life that was either interdependent when our marriage was good, or independent (I called myself "Married single" and had a little secret group of women in the same boat that would get together on a fairly routine basis) when we were in rough patches. When I was younger I know I name called back but I stopped doing that seven years ago with a lot of therapy. But I did point out everything he said he would do that he didn't, every "I forgot", every time he dissappointed me, so I guess I held a mirror up to his failures pretty much all the time as I got worn out forgiving for that which was never apologized for...unless it was apologized for and then repeated again and again. I kept it to the issues, he personally attacked me for bringing it up to take the focus off his behavior and scapegoated, gaslighted, etc. Almost had me thinking I was really the crazy one.
He is not taking any responsibility on with regard to parenting or household bills or maintainence, seeing our son for dinner once every couple weeks, not "ready" to take on shared parenting. He says he is serene for the first time in his life. Actually, I think he really likes his self-centered life where he can go where he wants, do what he wants, whenever he wants. He has started divorce proceedings. Part of me wanted to stay separated through the first year or more to see if the behaviors were from the disease or if they were just really him all along. I mean he was self absorbed from the day I met him, but the callous, uncaring, mean and emotionally and verbally abusive part increased as time went on and didn't get really bad until the last several years...and I haven't seen them subside with sobriety. Going to two or three AA meetings every day. Says they are his new family. That's my story.
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I am somewhat confused as to what you are looking for with the original question posed in the thread title…
I would question with what you shared would you want your relationship to survive, and how much of a relationship was there to begin with.
Also this brought up some other things in my head…if they weren’t using that their behavior would be different. Would they be…I so get stuck in thinking that there are good and evil people in this world some happen to be addicts.
I do though think that a relationship can survive the insanity of addiction but that would only be if both sides got healthy. Just one side working doesn’t seem to be enough.
As of today, my marriage has survived. Throughout the last years there was a relearning or sorts. As partners we got to complacent at times, at others to expectant….we each had some roles we took on that weren’t healthy for us as individuals over the years. And it is hard to say that addiction, that heroin caused this. Really gives the drug itself power it didn’t deserve to begin with. But it does seem that the thinking before the fact was a big part of where we both ended up in the worst of our own insanity…
I would question with what you shared would you want your relationship to survive, and how much of a relationship was there to begin with.
Also this brought up some other things in my head…if they weren’t using that their behavior would be different. Would they be…I so get stuck in thinking that there are good and evil people in this world some happen to be addicts.
I do though think that a relationship can survive the insanity of addiction but that would only be if both sides got healthy. Just one side working doesn’t seem to be enough.
As of today, my marriage has survived. Throughout the last years there was a relearning or sorts. As partners we got to complacent at times, at others to expectant….we each had some roles we took on that weren’t healthy for us as individuals over the years. And it is hard to say that addiction, that heroin caused this. Really gives the drug itself power it didn’t deserve to begin with. But it does seem that the thinking before the fact was a big part of where we both ended up in the worst of our own insanity…
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Originally Posted by FunnyOne 
AH blames me for his low self esteem (he says I broke him) and says he needs to start over and put his old life and me behind him. Did the same thing to his first wife before he met me. Was married to her 10 years walked out and never looked back and now is doing the same to me after 25 years.
Sounds like you had a good indicator of what he was like before you married him, yet you expected different results than what wife #1 got.
His behaviors may be related to alcoholism and they may not. Sometimes alcoholism gets too much credit.
I've found a full and rich life by working my own program, keeping the focus on me and what I want out of life despite what anyone else around me is doing, including my 31 year old AD.
I no longer obsess about what she is/isn't doing, analyzing why she does what she does, dragging huge resentments around because she's not thinking/living the way I want her to, picking apart all the events of the past for naught, engaging in magical thinking, yada yada yada.
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Join Date: May 2009
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my husband has been sober for 9 months now...the ironic part is he is doing fine with his recovery and i am the one struggling with mine...when we would fight about his drinking he would always vow to quit, but the scenario i was left with was extremely similar to yours...self centered, self absorbed, and had no regard for me, our family, our bills...he made it clear his recovery was exactly that--his...i felt very excluded and hung out to dry...which was selfish of me, but i felt like i was the one there all those nights, dragging him in the house when he was too drunk to stand, not his "friends" from AA....but come to find out, years later...after his meetings, he and his "friends" were going to the bar...they were all hiding from their wives, drinking, trying to convince us all they were trying to get sober....i was livid when i found out...his mother (sober 20 years) was more upset that i was...he had disrespected the process, and she felt he had disrespected her...we won't even get into my feelings on the matter...the choice to get sober this time was his...i pushed, but not like before...i had made a decision to end our marriage..he was mortified...i had always been there before why now, suddenly 10 years later was i throwing in the towel...our separation led him to drink more...every night i got a visit from my drunk husband who kept trying to figure out where everything went wrong...i agreed to let him come home--the night we decided he was coming home, i had cooked his favorite dinner, cleaned the house, got the kids all ready waiting for the homecoming, and he didn't show....i called--no answer...i e-mailed--no answer...i was worried more than anything...then about 4 hours later he did show--drunk...i was crushed...and in that moment he finally saw that i was done...he finally saw me and all of the pain that had been inflicted by his addiction...and he hit bottom...i still let him come home but i made it clear that if he so much as opened a beer for someone he would be met by a sheriff's deputy serving him separation papers, a do not call order, and a restraining order...after ten years of fighting he finally knew i meant it...i think the only reason we are surviving recovery is because HE wants us to...i want us to survive too, but it's more his drive...his addiction drained me of everything, trust, self esteem, self confidence, self respect...when he came home i had nothing to offer but a weak hope for our marriage...but he has put forth the effort to make this marriage work...he claims sobriety has been easy this time, he goes to meetings regularly and wants me to go with him, wants our kids to go...he wants to educate them on his disease so that maybe they will be less likely to fall into the same self destructive pattern...but truly without him wanting US to survive our recovery together we would not...i was too emotionally drained to fight for our marriage anymore...he recognized that and fought for the both of us...which he had never done before...slowly, i am learning to trust him again and slowly i am learning to let go of the man who hurt me so terribly, my husband is no longer that man...we still struggle with things, we still argue about things, our marriage is by no means smooth sailing, but there is love and more importantly there is hope...and he gave our marriage that.
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Originally Posted by Freedom1990
Sounds like you had a good indicator of what he was like before you married him, yet you expected different results than what wife #1 got.
His behaviors may be related to alcoholism and they may not. Sometimes alcoholism gets too much credit.
I've found a full and rich life by working my own program, keeping the focus on me and what I want out of life despite what anyone else around me is doing, including my 31 year old AD.
I no longer obsess about what she is/isn't doing, analyzing why she does what she does, dragging huge resentments around because she's not thinking/living the way I want her to, picking apart all the events of the past for naught, engaging in magical thinking, yada yada yada.
His behaviors may be related to alcoholism and they may not. Sometimes alcoholism gets too much credit.
I've found a full and rich life by working my own program, keeping the focus on me and what I want out of life despite what anyone else around me is doing, including my 31 year old AD.
I no longer obsess about what she is/isn't doing, analyzing why she does what she does, dragging huge resentments around because she's not thinking/living the way I want her to, picking apart all the events of the past for naught, engaging in magical thinking, yada yada yada.
This may seem counter-intuitive but it's my experience that before we can "recover together" I had to "recover" all by myself first. I had to put "my recovery" first and foremost ahead of anything else, and yes I am talking about my codependency.
I have found in the most painful way possible that focusing on what somebody else is or is not doing doesn't fall under that category, as a matter of fact, that was the opposite of recovery for me and caused me untold suffering.
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My story -- the abridged version: My partner has not had a drink for over 25 years. About 18 years after her last drink, she descended into a severe dry-drunk. After about 2.5 years of increasingly insane, emotionally abusive and inexplicable behavior, I threw her out. (I still loved her, I prayed for her everyday, but I had no contact with her and I was definitely moving on with my life -- including dating, etc...) She got back into recovery. We got back together. I still love her very much, but if she starts to go down that road again, we will not be together....and it won't take me a few years to figure it out again either!
See, I am unwilling to settle for survival.
And maybe that's why I, too, am confused about the question.
The first thing that question brings to my mind is another question: "Why would you want to?" I haven't read anything you've posted (here or on a few other threads) that indicates that your AH is truly recovering....In fact, everything you've said seems to indicate a miserable, selfish, dry drunk...and, like I said, I know what that looks like and what it feels like to deal with it.
Of course, you are totally free to hang around and wait for that to change just like you waited around for the drinking to change (and this knowing full well, if you work a recovery program yourself, that his drinking was but a symptom of the underlying issues about which, by your own admission, he seems quite content to remain in total denial)....but, again, the real question would seem to be, "Why would you want to?"...because, if you do, there does appear to be an extremely high likelihood that "survival," as opposed to "living," will be exactly what you end up hanging around for.
Are you really willing to settle for survival????
Also, although you seem to indicate in your posts that you are and have been in recovery awhile, the major criteria on which you appear to still be basing the majority of your decisions have to do with what he's doing, and how he's behaving, and if and/or when that's going to change to become what you'd like it to be. In my experience, truly living begins with accepting what truly is right here and now (regardless of whether I like it or understand it or whatever) and then making the decisions that are most likely to get me what I want and need based on that. (And, of course, based on the fact that I do not have the right or the power to control or change that, if that = another person's choices, behavior, and life.)
You know, there is a good Al Anon book entitled From Survival to Recovery. The title in and of itself strongly indicates that true recovery precludes settling for mere survival. You can't do anything about your AH's choice to settle -- but you do not have to make the same choice.
freya
See, I am unwilling to settle for survival.
And maybe that's why I, too, am confused about the question.
The first thing that question brings to my mind is another question: "Why would you want to?" I haven't read anything you've posted (here or on a few other threads) that indicates that your AH is truly recovering....In fact, everything you've said seems to indicate a miserable, selfish, dry drunk...and, like I said, I know what that looks like and what it feels like to deal with it.
Of course, you are totally free to hang around and wait for that to change just like you waited around for the drinking to change (and this knowing full well, if you work a recovery program yourself, that his drinking was but a symptom of the underlying issues about which, by your own admission, he seems quite content to remain in total denial)....but, again, the real question would seem to be, "Why would you want to?"...because, if you do, there does appear to be an extremely high likelihood that "survival," as opposed to "living," will be exactly what you end up hanging around for.
Are you really willing to settle for survival????
Also, although you seem to indicate in your posts that you are and have been in recovery awhile, the major criteria on which you appear to still be basing the majority of your decisions have to do with what he's doing, and how he's behaving, and if and/or when that's going to change to become what you'd like it to be. In my experience, truly living begins with accepting what truly is right here and now (regardless of whether I like it or understand it or whatever) and then making the decisions that are most likely to get me what I want and need based on that. (And, of course, based on the fact that I do not have the right or the power to control or change that, if that = another person's choices, behavior, and life.)
You know, there is a good Al Anon book entitled From Survival to Recovery. The title in and of itself strongly indicates that true recovery precludes settling for mere survival. You can't do anything about your AH's choice to settle -- but you do not have to make the same choice.
freya
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Join Date: May 2009
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I appreciate your responses, particularly those of you that shared your experiences as I, and many other threads written by others sometimes wonder if it is even possible to make it through recovery together. I am a curious person.
Now, with regard to the critiques of my recovery or lack there of...When I joined this forum it said it was for friends and family...who were looking for support. I didn't see a sticky note warning saying that the codependency police would be ever present giving their opinions of what you are doing right and what you are doing wrong. I did see a sticky note about what to say to a person that has been in an abusive situation. If I wanted more blame about how this isn't good enough or that isn't good enough or how wrong my emotions or actions are, I would be begging my husband to come back, which I am not.
Beattie's books came out when I was struggling a few years after I was married. My therapist suggested I read them and work on the principals in my sessions with her. Due in part to the application of them, as well as my other spiritual endeavors, I have lived a happy and fulfilling life choosing to stay with my husband in spite of his shortcomings. Hell, I wasn't perfect, none of us are. I was a loving caring wife and mother and daughter and sister and had three wonderful and different careers and was living a the happiest most spiritual life I could muster through some very tragic losses.
I was knocked off my center just 90 or so days ago and am experiencing the death of my marriage. I am grieving!!! I am asking why, trying to figure out why the hell this man who told me that he could never imagine living his life without me walked out the door. And I get it that some of you don't think it's healthy for me to do that. In Melody Beattie's newest book the Grief Club, she takes a more compassionate approach to getting back to the place of joy and realizes that it isn't an overnight thing.
Relative to grief, Beattie said, you either pay now or you pay later, and she said, "Once I cried for eight years." She dedicates a chapter to divorce.
Two days after my husband walked out the door ending our 25 year marriage, my neighbor and friend JoAnn's husband walked into her back yard and blew his brains out and while their teenage daughter's were wondering what the sound was, she saw her husband of 24 years fall to the ground. He left no suicide note. We walked and talked for two hours this week wondering why, if our husband's felt so desperate, why didn't they reach out and include us in a solution that would have preserved our families. It didn't occur to me to say "Well, you know JoAnn, Eric must have been unstable and insane, and thinking about why Eric may have done this, what he was feeling, why he couldn't turn to you, why he was so selfish to leave you this way....that really isn't helping you. You really need to be out finding some joy in your life and leave his issues to him and his God." I know that she is grieving, getting help, going to counselling and trying to understand or at least accept, and get over this huge shock and loss in her
life. And when she is ready, when she is done, she will move on and I will see her eyes light up and her huge smile again. But it isn't my place to tell her how long that should be for her. I know Eric drank, I saw him consume quite a bit at a couple back yard bbq's I don't know if it was a problem in their home or not, but I wonder if it was a problem, and JoAnn posted her story here, if she would be met with questions about her own recovery and what she should or should not be thinking, feeling, sharing? Hopefully she would be met with compassion.
Now, with regard to the critiques of my recovery or lack there of...When I joined this forum it said it was for friends and family...who were looking for support. I didn't see a sticky note warning saying that the codependency police would be ever present giving their opinions of what you are doing right and what you are doing wrong. I did see a sticky note about what to say to a person that has been in an abusive situation. If I wanted more blame about how this isn't good enough or that isn't good enough or how wrong my emotions or actions are, I would be begging my husband to come back, which I am not.
Beattie's books came out when I was struggling a few years after I was married. My therapist suggested I read them and work on the principals in my sessions with her. Due in part to the application of them, as well as my other spiritual endeavors, I have lived a happy and fulfilling life choosing to stay with my husband in spite of his shortcomings. Hell, I wasn't perfect, none of us are. I was a loving caring wife and mother and daughter and sister and had three wonderful and different careers and was living a the happiest most spiritual life I could muster through some very tragic losses.
I was knocked off my center just 90 or so days ago and am experiencing the death of my marriage. I am grieving!!! I am asking why, trying to figure out why the hell this man who told me that he could never imagine living his life without me walked out the door. And I get it that some of you don't think it's healthy for me to do that. In Melody Beattie's newest book the Grief Club, she takes a more compassionate approach to getting back to the place of joy and realizes that it isn't an overnight thing.
Relative to grief, Beattie said, you either pay now or you pay later, and she said, "Once I cried for eight years." She dedicates a chapter to divorce.
Two days after my husband walked out the door ending our 25 year marriage, my neighbor and friend JoAnn's husband walked into her back yard and blew his brains out and while their teenage daughter's were wondering what the sound was, she saw her husband of 24 years fall to the ground. He left no suicide note. We walked and talked for two hours this week wondering why, if our husband's felt so desperate, why didn't they reach out and include us in a solution that would have preserved our families. It didn't occur to me to say "Well, you know JoAnn, Eric must have been unstable and insane, and thinking about why Eric may have done this, what he was feeling, why he couldn't turn to you, why he was so selfish to leave you this way....that really isn't helping you. You really need to be out finding some joy in your life and leave his issues to him and his God." I know that she is grieving, getting help, going to counselling and trying to understand or at least accept, and get over this huge shock and loss in her
life. And when she is ready, when she is done, she will move on and I will see her eyes light up and her huge smile again. But it isn't my place to tell her how long that should be for her. I know Eric drank, I saw him consume quite a bit at a couple back yard bbq's I don't know if it was a problem in their home or not, but I wonder if it was a problem, and JoAnn posted her story here, if she would be met with questions about her own recovery and what she should or should not be thinking, feeling, sharing? Hopefully she would be met with compassion.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
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Sad fact is, there is so much damage done to the core of the relationship, it's really hard to put it all away, turn over a new leaf and move on after sobriety. Kinda like having cancer, and being told you are in the clear, they got it all — only to have that nagging feeling that somewhere beyond the horizon, it is still looming. It's our history, and short of a permanent case of amnesia, we can't help but remember.
The result of whether we survive it, and can continue to grow and nuture the relationship greatly depends upon how well we are able to put those memories on the shelf and go forward.
I tried, but it got so heavy, and the trust was all but gone.
The result of whether we survive it, and can continue to grow and nuture the relationship greatly depends upon how well we are able to put those memories on the shelf and go forward.
I tried, but it got so heavy, and the trust was all but gone.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
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Hi FunnyOne, now it is me visiting your thread.
Oh I am reading The Grief Club over and over too... it is such a great book, I am glad you are reading it too.
There is a forum called Grief and Loss, I have read many of the tragic stories there, a lot of compassionate people there if your neighbor ever wants to share her feelings.
I read something about post traumatic stress disorder, and in order to help patients with that disorder it is always encouraged for the patient to talk about the event that triggered the trauma. Over and over for as long as the patient needs.
I read this when a "friend" was telling me the ex used me and both were totally happy and why couldn't I be happy for him that he found a great girl, that why don't I say hi to the ex, it looks bad I do not talk to him or ever walk around his area, blah blahhh.... so I no longer talk to this person, I guess many ppl think they are helping but when the loss is fresh or still meaningful, it is counterproductive.
However I also realize many times I need a kick in the butt, and someone to tell me "ok you've fallen, now get up again" and give me a hand for me to stand up once again...
But I realize its difficult to know when something is helping and when it doesn't... you are the only one who knows what you need, for me it has been AA a life saver, with recovered AHs that support my decision and encourage me to stay away from ex... spending time alone trying not to judge my state of mind... Melody Beattie.... churches.. (not Catholic but very respectfully sitting down and talking to God)
Its as they say "take what you need" take what resonates true and healing to your heart... the rest may be useful at some other time.
I am confused about being compassionate with myself and not pushing myself "enough" to get out from hell... about where to draw the line....? I am sorry I do not have much answers there! So in essence I am just rambling in your thread now!!
Bottomline: you are not alone.
Oh I am reading The Grief Club over and over too... it is such a great book, I am glad you are reading it too.
There is a forum called Grief and Loss, I have read many of the tragic stories there, a lot of compassionate people there if your neighbor ever wants to share her feelings.
I read something about post traumatic stress disorder, and in order to help patients with that disorder it is always encouraged for the patient to talk about the event that triggered the trauma. Over and over for as long as the patient needs.
I read this when a "friend" was telling me the ex used me and both were totally happy and why couldn't I be happy for him that he found a great girl, that why don't I say hi to the ex, it looks bad I do not talk to him or ever walk around his area, blah blahhh.... so I no longer talk to this person, I guess many ppl think they are helping but when the loss is fresh or still meaningful, it is counterproductive.
However I also realize many times I need a kick in the butt, and someone to tell me "ok you've fallen, now get up again" and give me a hand for me to stand up once again...
But I realize its difficult to know when something is helping and when it doesn't... you are the only one who knows what you need, for me it has been AA a life saver, with recovered AHs that support my decision and encourage me to stay away from ex... spending time alone trying not to judge my state of mind... Melody Beattie.... churches.. (not Catholic but very respectfully sitting down and talking to God)
Its as they say "take what you need" take what resonates true and healing to your heart... the rest may be useful at some other time.
I am confused about being compassionate with myself and not pushing myself "enough" to get out from hell... about where to draw the line....? I am sorry I do not have much answers there! So in essence I am just rambling in your thread now!!
Bottomline: you are not alone.
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 196
I got married on March 3, 2007. He lost his job when we were married at 4 months. My husband got deeper into alcoholism. We separated. He totaled his car into a median and woke up in the hospital--he was charged with a DUI. We still talked on the phone and saw each other on the weekends. He struggled with his sobriety and relapsed every couple of months. His DUI went through, and breathing device was put on his car. I think AA and the breathing device on his car helped him the most.
Looking back though, I realize I was really lucky to surround myself with good people. This board really helped me during that time. I could not tell the truth to most people, but I could tell the truth on this board. I got back into church and a community group. His family supported his sobriety by not drinking around him. And we could always go to his parent's house where it was a safe environment. He got a part-time job with a friend of his as a paralegal in January. This became full time in May, and we are now living together again. I feel so whole as a person. It is now a joy to be married to him. He is my better half. He brings out the best in me.
You can survive recovery, but it takes time. And I have realized that my husband is my best friend, and I really love him. My pastor says that sometimes in a marriage you can live too much like "I" rather than "we". That is true, we really have to think about how we affect the other person--financially, emotionally, mentally. We have to be the best that we can be for each other.
Looking back though, I realize I was really lucky to surround myself with good people. This board really helped me during that time. I could not tell the truth to most people, but I could tell the truth on this board. I got back into church and a community group. His family supported his sobriety by not drinking around him. And we could always go to his parent's house where it was a safe environment. He got a part-time job with a friend of his as a paralegal in January. This became full time in May, and we are now living together again. I feel so whole as a person. It is now a joy to be married to him. He is my better half. He brings out the best in me.
You can survive recovery, but it takes time. And I have realized that my husband is my best friend, and I really love him. My pastor says that sometimes in a marriage you can live too much like "I" rather than "we". That is true, we really have to think about how we affect the other person--financially, emotionally, mentally. We have to be the best that we can be for each other.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
I didn't see a sticky note warning saying that the codependency police would be ever present giving their opinions of what you are doing right and what you are doing wrong.
I would like to point out that every single person who has "experience" with recovery also said the exact same thing, that recovery happens when the focus goes off "over there" and "what they are doing" to "what can I do differently for myself"
I am very sorry for what happened with you, and I do believe that some of the confusion that occurred in this thread was because the title is "Can we survive recovery together" and you got direct experience and feedback addressing that but you are also going through the process of a break up and abandonment which in and of itself requires a different process.
"Recovery together" and the "grief process from abandonment" are two different entities and thus have different approaches, I feel very sure no one meant any harm by their response, I feel they were trying to answer the question "Can we survive recovery together?" in which the answer is "By focusing on yourself"
Possibly by starting a new thread in order to address your feelings of abandonment and grief you will get supportive responses to that, which appears to me priority one right now.
I am truly sorry for your pain
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My two cents on this.
Black and white, right and wrong, all or nothing thinking was my M.O. for most of my life. I see a lot of that in this thread.
People pointing out the need to take care of and focus on yourself is not the same as telling you what you are doing is 'wrong.'
Grieving and recovery are not mutually exclusive. It's not like you have to complete one before you can begin another. In fact, my opinion is that making some effort at recovery during the grieving process would be beneficial.
No doubt denial and bargaining are stages of grief, and painful ones at that. It takes as long as it takes. I believe the suggestions on this thread were meant with the best of intentions and with the idea of finding a way through those stages.
L
Black and white, right and wrong, all or nothing thinking was my M.O. for most of my life. I see a lot of that in this thread.
People pointing out the need to take care of and focus on yourself is not the same as telling you what you are doing is 'wrong.'
Grieving and recovery are not mutually exclusive. It's not like you have to complete one before you can begin another. In fact, my opinion is that making some effort at recovery during the grieving process would be beneficial.
No doubt denial and bargaining are stages of grief, and painful ones at that. It takes as long as it takes. I believe the suggestions on this thread were meant with the best of intentions and with the idea of finding a way through those stages.
L
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