What if they're the ones that left YOU?
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What if they're the ones that left YOU?
The text he wrote after deciding to be friends: 'I love everything about you muffin. Sorry for everything. I'm glad you know what you want. I wish you all good things. You deserve that.'
The text he wrote two days later when I wouldn't kiss him: 'God damn you. You talk about being used but that's only because you use people. You only call your friends when you need them and you don't even call them back when they need you (not true!). You don't even care about your own family (WHAT?!!!!) You don't even want to be honest with yourself about how ****** up you really are. You just want to justify your actions and ****** up thoughts so guilt will roll off of you and you can sleep. You can pull the emotionally abusive cared on me if you want but you were just as guilty as me, all you have to do is read on of your texts to know it's true. I wish I could have been there for you and shown you how good two people who want to take care of one another could be but if you want things to get better for you then you've got to be honest with yourself before you can change and you're not willing to be honest about how ****** up you are. Fin d a new job, they don't want you at our job anyways, just keep your cold, black dead heart away from me. If you give more than you ask then you'll get more than you ask. Stay away from me and find a new job. I hope you can learn to be honest an things work out for you. You're a good person living the wrong way.'
I was a wreck. I still am. HE needs to drink twelve beers a day just to get by and HE'S the one who can't sleep at night and HE'S the one who hates his brother and HE'S the one cold as ice but I'M living the wrong way? I called him right after and told him this was his last chance to apologize to me. He didn't. He told me that 'the truth hurts doesn't it' and that I was a 'monster'. He left me. And he left me with this horrible message. I texted him the next day saying that I DID love my family and that I might have issues but unlike him I was working on them, could he say the same? I told him I was deleting his number (I did) and that I hoped he could stop drinking and find peace. I also wrote that I loved myself. He didn't respond and I'm so upset for sending that message.
I haven't spoken to him in two weeks. I want an apology, but I wont call him.
He's never not called me for this long and I can't begin to describe the pain. A man who could write me a text like this left ME. HE left ME. I know if he called RIGHT NOW I wouldn't pick up, but it would be all I needed to let go of this and move on. But the fact that he isn't calling makes me feel like... I don't know. Like what he said was real, or at the very least, he believed it.
He knew something like this would make me cry. He has to know how much pain it caused me. But he doesn't care. I'm to the point of obsession by how much pain this causes me. I want him to be sorry but he ISN'T.
He left me. And he's not calling to even say I'm sorry and is calling me crazy to my friends and co-workers. WHY? I wasn't perfect, but I wasn't a monster either, and he KNOWS it. Why is he doing this? And what do you do when they are the ones who leave you?
I've been ignoring him completely but the anger is eating me alive and the tears are non-stop. I feel like he attacked me at my very core, at my soul, and I have no idea how to claw my way out. I've filled out a couple job applications, but even if I never had to see him the anger would still be there. The anger that he thinks it's okay to treat me like this. I don't want to feel like this. I might go to my first AA meeting tonight. I don't think it will help but I will go.
The text he wrote two days later when I wouldn't kiss him: 'God damn you. You talk about being used but that's only because you use people. You only call your friends when you need them and you don't even call them back when they need you (not true!). You don't even care about your own family (WHAT?!!!!) You don't even want to be honest with yourself about how ****** up you really are. You just want to justify your actions and ****** up thoughts so guilt will roll off of you and you can sleep. You can pull the emotionally abusive cared on me if you want but you were just as guilty as me, all you have to do is read on of your texts to know it's true. I wish I could have been there for you and shown you how good two people who want to take care of one another could be but if you want things to get better for you then you've got to be honest with yourself before you can change and you're not willing to be honest about how ****** up you are. Fin d a new job, they don't want you at our job anyways, just keep your cold, black dead heart away from me. If you give more than you ask then you'll get more than you ask. Stay away from me and find a new job. I hope you can learn to be honest an things work out for you. You're a good person living the wrong way.'
I was a wreck. I still am. HE needs to drink twelve beers a day just to get by and HE'S the one who can't sleep at night and HE'S the one who hates his brother and HE'S the one cold as ice but I'M living the wrong way? I called him right after and told him this was his last chance to apologize to me. He didn't. He told me that 'the truth hurts doesn't it' and that I was a 'monster'. He left me. And he left me with this horrible message. I texted him the next day saying that I DID love my family and that I might have issues but unlike him I was working on them, could he say the same? I told him I was deleting his number (I did) and that I hoped he could stop drinking and find peace. I also wrote that I loved myself. He didn't respond and I'm so upset for sending that message.
I haven't spoken to him in two weeks. I want an apology, but I wont call him.
He's never not called me for this long and I can't begin to describe the pain. A man who could write me a text like this left ME. HE left ME. I know if he called RIGHT NOW I wouldn't pick up, but it would be all I needed to let go of this and move on. But the fact that he isn't calling makes me feel like... I don't know. Like what he said was real, or at the very least, he believed it.
He knew something like this would make me cry. He has to know how much pain it caused me. But he doesn't care. I'm to the point of obsession by how much pain this causes me. I want him to be sorry but he ISN'T.
He left me. And he's not calling to even say I'm sorry and is calling me crazy to my friends and co-workers. WHY? I wasn't perfect, but I wasn't a monster either, and he KNOWS it. Why is he doing this? And what do you do when they are the ones who leave you?
I've been ignoring him completely but the anger is eating me alive and the tears are non-stop. I feel like he attacked me at my very core, at my soul, and I have no idea how to claw my way out. I've filled out a couple job applications, but even if I never had to see him the anger would still be there. The anger that he thinks it's okay to treat me like this. I don't want to feel like this. I might go to my first AA meeting tonight. I don't think it will help but I will go.
Last edited by Crazy4Him; 06-25-2009 at 07:21 PM.
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Wow, you are going through the same thing that I am. I know how much pain your in because I'm there right now! I tried to leave him to make him get help. It's only been 2 weeks, but I am starting to slowly see the light.
When I left my Abf, I thought he would come begging me back! I thought for sure, I'm more important than the liquor. If he just sees that I'm serious about leaving, then he will ACTUALLY give it up. No more threats. This was for real. I secured a place for myself and my son and left. It backfired. He acted as though he was happy that I left. He went to all the bars and drank every night. I know this because we still had a joint bank account at the time. He wouldn't text me, or call me, and when he did, it was to be cold or nasty. And ONLY when I texted him first. I tried desperatly to text him every day about the reasons why I left. I thought, if I can just make him see how he has hurt me with his drinking, he will stop. I thought that if I told him how much I loved him, that he would want to get help. This was all for nothing. Here I am, week 2, and he is still acting this way.
Here is what I have figured out. By me texting him and emailing him all the time, it was only inflating his ego. Instead of seeing what he was losing, I was showing him how weak I am. He took full advantage of it and still is! He has been feeding off the "I love yous" and the "I miss yous". So thanks to the advice of everyone on here, I have gone no contact. I feel MUCH better. I feel stronger. But I found that as the time went on when he didn't contact me, it got harder instead of easier! Why? Because your trying to play the game. Women aren't as good at it as men are.
He is going to do everything he can to hurt you right now because you are hurting him. He wants you to be in as much pain as he is. If you don't give him the satisfaction of knowing your upset, then he will stop. Even if he texts you first, don't respond in any way. It's time to focus on YOU now. Try looking at the future and then seeing that he is ALWAYS going to be a jerk until he gets help. You can't help him. He has to help himself. You know for yourself that you can move on and find better because you are not an addict. Either way, it works to your benefit.
I know its not easy now, but give yourself some time and don't be too hard on yourself if you call or text him. It's all a life lesson. If you ever need to talk, feel free to PM me.
When I left my Abf, I thought he would come begging me back! I thought for sure, I'm more important than the liquor. If he just sees that I'm serious about leaving, then he will ACTUALLY give it up. No more threats. This was for real. I secured a place for myself and my son and left. It backfired. He acted as though he was happy that I left. He went to all the bars and drank every night. I know this because we still had a joint bank account at the time. He wouldn't text me, or call me, and when he did, it was to be cold or nasty. And ONLY when I texted him first. I tried desperatly to text him every day about the reasons why I left. I thought, if I can just make him see how he has hurt me with his drinking, he will stop. I thought that if I told him how much I loved him, that he would want to get help. This was all for nothing. Here I am, week 2, and he is still acting this way.
Here is what I have figured out. By me texting him and emailing him all the time, it was only inflating his ego. Instead of seeing what he was losing, I was showing him how weak I am. He took full advantage of it and still is! He has been feeding off the "I love yous" and the "I miss yous". So thanks to the advice of everyone on here, I have gone no contact. I feel MUCH better. I feel stronger. But I found that as the time went on when he didn't contact me, it got harder instead of easier! Why? Because your trying to play the game. Women aren't as good at it as men are.
He is going to do everything he can to hurt you right now because you are hurting him. He wants you to be in as much pain as he is. If you don't give him the satisfaction of knowing your upset, then he will stop. Even if he texts you first, don't respond in any way. It's time to focus on YOU now. Try looking at the future and then seeing that he is ALWAYS going to be a jerk until he gets help. You can't help him. He has to help himself. You know for yourself that you can move on and find better because you are not an addict. Either way, it works to your benefit.
I know its not easy now, but give yourself some time and don't be too hard on yourself if you call or text him. It's all a life lesson. If you ever need to talk, feel free to PM me.
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I am new here...but over the past 2 weeks, I have found a lot of answers here. This sounds like something I could have written, except my AH never actually left....but he did threaten too. I think the best advice given to me is to remember that you are responsible for your actions only. Sure he said a lot of mean things, but deep down you know they aren't true. Be sure to read a post on here about doing a reality check...trully insightful. He is simply manipulating you by saying those things, focus on you - not him. Trust me I have been in the same boat in the past and I know how insane it can make you feel, to where you almost believe it - but don't. Find the you, you want to be......I spoke to a frient who also has an alcohol spouse and he mentioned that he felt as if he had become someone even he didn't like, and that was a very hard realization for him.....be you...find time to find strength in who you are. It is SO hard to hard to feel good when you hear these things.....but I focus on the person I know I want to be and really am. I have found that there are no easy answers, but hang in there....you deserve happiness!
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I just wish I had stood up for myself more. We weren't even together when he sent that text. We had been broken up for a month and a half, were trying to be "friends" and while we were hanging out I pushed him away when he tried to kiss me. He asked me if I wasn't attracted to him anymore and I said I was but that didn't matter as long as he was drinking and that kissing him at the point in time would make me feel used (especially since he had been turned down for dates by two other girls two weeks before that).
Then... the text. We fought that night but we HUGGED at the end of it so this text was kind of out of nowhere! Haven't heard from him since (except at work where we ignore each other) and refuse to call.
I just want an apology. Every day that passes that I don't get one I get angrier. Arrogant... ugh, I have no nice words to say about him. I wanted us to be friends, I never wanted this to end in anger, I just can't trust him with the drinking. I was willing to lose him, but not like this.
Then... the text. We fought that night but we HUGGED at the end of it so this text was kind of out of nowhere! Haven't heard from him since (except at work where we ignore each other) and refuse to call.
I just want an apology. Every day that passes that I don't get one I get angrier. Arrogant... ugh, I have no nice words to say about him. I wanted us to be friends, I never wanted this to end in anger, I just can't trust him with the drinking. I was willing to lose him, but not like this.
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Don't beat yourself up or give a second thought to what he said about you. Someone once told me that when you point a finger there are three pointing back at you. It's easier to try to hurt you than deal with his own stuff. I also think this is him trying to continue the game.
My xabf would stretch out contact with me when I did something to upset him. I would begin to heal and adjust to the fact that he was gone, then there he would be again telling me he loved me and wanted to be with me. It was very hard to do, but I learned that I didn't have to respond and I also learned that I was worth far more than he would ever give me. He emailed a month ago. Instead of freaking out, I just looked at the email, decided nothing good could come from reading it, then moved on with my day. You'll get there too! One foot in front of the other.
I wrote something about when they leave you in a previous post after discussing this topic with my therapist. I don't know how to link, so I'll bump it up for you! Hang in there!!! I know it's hard, but keep breathing. It gets so much better. I never thought it would either and my life is so much better without xabf.
Hugs!
My xabf would stretch out contact with me when I did something to upset him. I would begin to heal and adjust to the fact that he was gone, then there he would be again telling me he loved me and wanted to be with me. It was very hard to do, but I learned that I didn't have to respond and I also learned that I was worth far more than he would ever give me. He emailed a month ago. Instead of freaking out, I just looked at the email, decided nothing good could come from reading it, then moved on with my day. You'll get there too! One foot in front of the other.
I wrote something about when they leave you in a previous post after discussing this topic with my therapist. I don't know how to link, so I'll bump it up for you! Hang in there!!! I know it's hard, but keep breathing. It gets so much better. I never thought it would either and my life is so much better without xabf.
Hugs!
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NYC Chick I just found that post you made. I wish your therapist lived in my city! What amazing way to look at it.
Same story for me. Right after we broke up I stopped talking to him because of rumors he'd been spreading about me and that lasted about a week before he was calling me and apologizing. This was his cycle whenever I pulled away and stopped speaking to him. A week seemed to be his number before he broke down and apologized/manipulated. At that point I had been visiting this board for a while and was aware that nothing he said (good or bad) meant much of anything, but I have a soft heart when it comes to him and all I EVER need is an apology. But he's not even playing that game anymore. He has fallen off the radar, completely. I like to tell myself it's because he's in AA and is to HEALTHY to give me a false apology or he's so torn up by the awful things he said that he can get the courage to call me. But I'm no fool!!!
Somewhere deep down I think I know it is a game but I can't let it roll off my back. The games! Things were going just a little too well as friends. We were having just a little too much fun! How dare we get through an entire night without spitting insults and fighting? How dare we get through an entire week without hurtful texts or phone calls. Who the hell did we think we were? Two healthy people or something?!
Same story for me. Right after we broke up I stopped talking to him because of rumors he'd been spreading about me and that lasted about a week before he was calling me and apologizing. This was his cycle whenever I pulled away and stopped speaking to him. A week seemed to be his number before he broke down and apologized/manipulated. At that point I had been visiting this board for a while and was aware that nothing he said (good or bad) meant much of anything, but I have a soft heart when it comes to him and all I EVER need is an apology. But he's not even playing that game anymore. He has fallen off the radar, completely. I like to tell myself it's because he's in AA and is to HEALTHY to give me a false apology or he's so torn up by the awful things he said that he can get the courage to call me. But I'm no fool!!!
Somewhere deep down I think I know it is a game but I can't let it roll off my back. The games! Things were going just a little too well as friends. We were having just a little too much fun! How dare we get through an entire night without spitting insults and fighting? How dare we get through an entire week without hurtful texts or phone calls. Who the hell did we think we were? Two healthy people or something?!
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he's not even playing that game anymore. He has fallen off the radar, completely
If he is not playing the game, who is?
Isn't this the same guy you were spooning around to see if he still "wanted you"?
Play in the Tiger Cage long enough yer gonna come back with another chunk missing from yer behind
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Well put, Ago.
Crazy: It seems to me you are still in the "I want you/I don't want you" stage. For me, the game made me feel alive, like as long as he wanted me I was ok. It took a while to get through that. For many months after our break-up, I felt we were still a unit, no matter how broken, I was his and he was mine. I learned otherwise later, but that's beside the point. I knew for a very long time I would never be happy with him, but I ignored it because I wasn't complete on my own enough to admit to myself that I wanted more for my life. You have to be ready to put him out of your life. If you're not ready, then you're just not ready. There is nothing wrong with that, but know you will be headed for much more hurt until you make that decision. Looking back, I would not change my process in any of what I did. Do I wish I hadn't wasted so much time allowing him to manipulate and lie to me? Sure, but I wouldn't be here if I had skipped over some of the most painful stuff. I really do have a great life now. Not perfect, but getting there!
Crazy: It seems to me you are still in the "I want you/I don't want you" stage. For me, the game made me feel alive, like as long as he wanted me I was ok. It took a while to get through that. For many months after our break-up, I felt we were still a unit, no matter how broken, I was his and he was mine. I learned otherwise later, but that's beside the point. I knew for a very long time I would never be happy with him, but I ignored it because I wasn't complete on my own enough to admit to myself that I wanted more for my life. You have to be ready to put him out of your life. If you're not ready, then you're just not ready. There is nothing wrong with that, but know you will be headed for much more hurt until you make that decision. Looking back, I would not change my process in any of what I did. Do I wish I hadn't wasted so much time allowing him to manipulate and lie to me? Sure, but I wouldn't be here if I had skipped over some of the most painful stuff. I really do have a great life now. Not perfect, but getting there!
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I don't think I can say why it bothers me that he hasn't called. Maybe because I want him to be sorry for what he said to me, maybe because I miss him, maybe because I've become used to this merry go round and feel empty without it.
Ago, I think the term you use is "behavior modifiction". I knew he would try to kiss me when he asked me to come over because just the night before on the phone he told me he missed me and wanted me back, but I told him I couldn't be with him until he stopped drinking. That night he went out and got wasted. When he asked me to come over the next night I agreed because I just can't so no to him. When we are in a good place I just... love being with him. Even though I told him we wouldn't be kissing I knew he would try to kiss me, I did. I wanted to know he wanted me because I thought by not kissing him back I would make him see what he was missing. Maybe it would make him WANT ME more than the alcohol. One thing I'm still in denial about, I guess.
I'm not princess, I've played the games, but never with hate in my heart. I would never write him such a horrible message. Do you think I deserved that message? That I brought it on myself? Am I the one that should be apologizing? Not trying to be defensive, just honestly asking.
Ago, I think the term you use is "behavior modifiction". I knew he would try to kiss me when he asked me to come over because just the night before on the phone he told me he missed me and wanted me back, but I told him I couldn't be with him until he stopped drinking. That night he went out and got wasted. When he asked me to come over the next night I agreed because I just can't so no to him. When we are in a good place I just... love being with him. Even though I told him we wouldn't be kissing I knew he would try to kiss me, I did. I wanted to know he wanted me because I thought by not kissing him back I would make him see what he was missing. Maybe it would make him WANT ME more than the alcohol. One thing I'm still in denial about, I guess.
I'm not princess, I've played the games, but never with hate in my heart. I would never write him such a horrible message. Do you think I deserved that message? That I brought it on myself? Am I the one that should be apologizing? Not trying to be defensive, just honestly asking.
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Originally Posted by NYC_Chick 
Well put, Ago.
Crazy: It seems to me you are still in the "I want you/I don't want you" stage. For me, the game made me feel alive, like as long as he wanted me I was ok. It took a while to get through that. For many months after our break-up, I felt we were still a unit, no matter how broken, I was his and he was mine. I learned otherwise later, but that's beside the point. I knew for a very long time I would never be happy with him, but I ignored it because I wasn't complete on my own enough to admit to myself that I wanted more for my life. You have to be ready to put him out of your life. If you're not ready, then you're just not ready. There is nothing wrong with that, but know you will be headed for much more hurt until you make that decision. Looking back, I would not change my process in any of what I did. Do I wish I hadn't wasted so much time allowing him to manipulate and lie to me? Sure, but I wouldn't be here if I had skipped over some of the most painful stuff. I really do have a great life now. Not perfect, but getting there!
Crazy: It seems to me you are still in the "I want you/I don't want you" stage. For me, the game made me feel alive, like as long as he wanted me I was ok. It took a while to get through that. For many months after our break-up, I felt we were still a unit, no matter how broken, I was his and he was mine. I learned otherwise later, but that's beside the point. I knew for a very long time I would never be happy with him, but I ignored it because I wasn't complete on my own enough to admit to myself that I wanted more for my life. You have to be ready to put him out of your life. If you're not ready, then you're just not ready. There is nothing wrong with that, but know you will be headed for much more hurt until you make that decision. Looking back, I would not change my process in any of what I did. Do I wish I hadn't wasted so much time allowing him to manipulate and lie to me? Sure, but I wouldn't be here if I had skipped over some of the most painful stuff. I really do have a great life now. Not perfect, but getting there!
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I just can't say no to him.
First:
No one deserves to be abused. Ever. For anything.
Did you do something to him to make him write such a nasty message?
Yes
You absolutely were playing come closer get away, kiss me kiss me, oops sorry buddy lookee at watcher missing!
Wanna p1ss off a grown man?
Play that sh1t with him.
I have said it before, I will say it again:
People hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we have invariably found that we have made a decision based on self that put us in a position to be hurt.
manipulation is manipulation is manipulation no matter WHAT your motives, no matter if you are kind, courteous etc etc it's manipulation and people don't like to be manipulated. They get downright p1ssed off actually.
It's OK to be in love. It's OK to have boundaries. It gets muddled when we start lying to ourselves about our motives and mixing love and dropping boundaries and start manipulating both others and ourselves. This is when it gets murky and painful. I have a ton of experience with this, I think everybody does, but I will speak for myself.
I'm not princess, I've played the games, but never with hate in my heart. I would never write him such a horrible message. Do you think I deserved that message? That I brought it on myself? Am I the one that should be apologizing? Not trying to be defensive, just honestly asking.
There is a section in AA's steps, where it compares you to an actor, it says you are trying to set the lights, the scenery, everything your way,, and if everything would just stay put, if everyone would just do as they were told, everyone, including them, would be happy.
it says:
Our actor may be quite virtuous, he may be kind, considerate, generous etc. (it also lists "bad" attributes)
So what happens, the show doesn't come off very well. Sure he played some part, he is sure others are more to blame. He becomes on the next occasion more demanding, gracious etc etc
What it took me YEARS to learn, and I still spot it today, is I "hide" behind things like "good motives" where upon careful examination it's STILL manipulation.
Do you see where I am going with this?
You may have had the best "motives" in the world, but you are still manipulating this man, you are saying "come closer, get away"
you are pulling the Tigers Tail, then are surprised when the Tiger bites you, then REALLY surprised when the Tiger wanders away.
Did you bring it on yourself?
well....you WERE playing in the Tiger Cage, what usually happens when you play with Tigers, especially if you pull their tails?
Did you deserve to be "abused"?
Absolutely not, but we can't "change him" lets concentrate on you and your part.
Am I the one that should be apologizing?
Is it a sincere desire to right a wrong or is it to lure the Tiger over for another round of mental mindf*** for both of you.
Look....are you done?
I am not asking you to reply on this board, it would be better if you didn't actually. I would like you to think about this for yourself.
I used to say, "This I will never do again" now I say, "I just may not be done with this"
It helps me process faster, one way I am lying to myself, therefore can't make a rational decision because one of the "values" I put in the "equation" is a lie.
I mean you can tell yourself that "the reject" left you because you set up such great boundaries and were so healthy that he fled faster then a fat kid from PE but if it's not the truth, it aint gonna help you in the long run.
I don't have any answers for you, but I can help you think about the problem a little more clearly. Oh. He's not it. The Problem I mean. He may not be the solution by any means, he sounds like no prize, but he isn't "the problem". He's just a symptom.
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Hello Crazy4Him!
It gets better if you go no contact and start working on your emotions. Or you can go on like this. You have a choice
you are not helpless, you just need to make this decision.
I would also like to tell you something else. I just came back from coffee and dinner with a new guy I am seeing. I am relaxed. I am knowing him better and judging if his words match his actions. They do. Today we talked about how we felt totally at ease with each other. I do not feel I walk on eggshells trying to see if someone chooses to like me today or not. I feel accepted and loved 'as is'. And I accept him too. I have never had a relation like this and it feels GREAT to have him be YOUR FRIEND!
Granted we have hurt each other, but we have talked it out: once, twice, then we are done and the issue does not arise again. We are learning what the boundaries are and what the deal breakers are. He is charming in his own way. He sent me some Garfield stuff, I was surprised he remembers I love Garfield and he asked me "why do you think boyfriends are for? to remember the tastes of their girlfriends, and take care of them, and make them smile" as if it was very logical. I spent 27 years not knowing this information.
I would love to fast forward your life and show you how it can be without madness....
I just wanted to tell you I was you a few months ago and it is possible to feel different, even if you see your ex everyday. Even if he badmouths. Even if he parades someone else. Even if he asks Gisele Bundchen to marry him infront of you (err.. I guess she is married already, so that would be a no!!!!!) Whatever he does or does not do, becomes less important.. and its possible to have PEACE even in the midst of chaos.... its in your hands, honest!!
But only if your pain is enough for you to do WHATEVER IT TAKES to recover your sanity, (or for me, to gain it for the first time!) therapy, AA-alanon, reading, posting, going no contact....
I cannot judge you because I am not God, and I know it takes hitting the same wall 49687286378 times before you actually "get it"
I just hope it is not much time before you open your eyes and know you are a child of God/HP... and deserve everything that is good in this life. And that relationships are an improvement to your life, your refuge when it gets tough out there. Not the thing bringing you down constantly!
It gets better if you go no contact and start working on your emotions. Or you can go on like this. You have a choice
you are not helpless, you just need to make this decision. I would also like to tell you something else. I just came back from coffee and dinner with a new guy I am seeing. I am relaxed. I am knowing him better and judging if his words match his actions. They do. Today we talked about how we felt totally at ease with each other. I do not feel I walk on eggshells trying to see if someone chooses to like me today or not. I feel accepted and loved 'as is'. And I accept him too. I have never had a relation like this and it feels GREAT to have him be YOUR FRIEND!
Granted we have hurt each other, but we have talked it out: once, twice, then we are done and the issue does not arise again. We are learning what the boundaries are and what the deal breakers are. He is charming in his own way. He sent me some Garfield stuff, I was surprised he remembers I love Garfield and he asked me "why do you think boyfriends are for? to remember the tastes of their girlfriends, and take care of them, and make them smile" as if it was very logical. I spent 27 years not knowing this information.
I would love to fast forward your life and show you how it can be without madness....
I just wanted to tell you I was you a few months ago and it is possible to feel different, even if you see your ex everyday. Even if he badmouths. Even if he parades someone else. Even if he asks Gisele Bundchen to marry him infront of you (err.. I guess she is married already, so that would be a no!!!!!) Whatever he does or does not do, becomes less important.. and its possible to have PEACE even in the midst of chaos.... its in your hands, honest!!
But only if your pain is enough for you to do WHATEVER IT TAKES to recover your sanity, (or for me, to gain it for the first time!) therapy, AA-alanon, reading, posting, going no contact....
I cannot judge you because I am not God, and I know it takes hitting the same wall 49687286378 times before you actually "get it"
I just hope it is not much time before you open your eyes and know you are a child of God/HP... and deserve everything that is good in this life. And that relationships are an improvement to your life, your refuge when it gets tough out there. Not the thing bringing you down constantly!
Last edited by TakingCharge999; 06-25-2009 at 11:00 PM.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 146
TakingCharge you have responded to my every post from the first one and words can't express how much I apprechiate every word you've ever said to me. It's been a tough seven months for me, very tough and I wish I had listened to everyone here a long, long time ago. Now I feel like it's took late (in many ways). I'm starting to realize there are things that I really need to change about myself.
It's indescribably hard for me that he could walk away from me (after saying those things), and I need to figure out why.
I didn't go to the AA meeting tonight, but I will very soon.
You guys are wonderful.
It's indescribably hard for me that he could walk away from me (after saying those things), and I need to figure out why.
I didn't go to the AA meeting tonight, but I will very soon.
You guys are wonderful.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Awww :ghug2
We both have had a TOUGH 7-8 months...
I relate so much with you, we are among the "lucky ones" that have to see ex's daily and our train of thoughts is very similar (hurt ourselves as much as possible ). I think your situation is even harder as you have to SEE him... I often do, too but there are some GLORIOUS days I do not see him and do not hear about him... good for you for looking for different work options!
Having a front row seat to their life after the facts SUCKS and has made recovery much more complicated and tortured... but it GETS BETTER!!
I felt and sometimes still feel like Prometheus
Prometheus, in eternal punishment, is chained to a rock in the Caucasus, where his liver is eaten out daily by an eagle, only to be regenerated by night, which, by legend, is due to his immortality.Years later, periods of which vary from thirty years, to four hundred thousand years, to 3 million years, the Greek hero Heracles (Hercules) would shoot the eagle and free Prometheus from his chains.
More on Hercules:
He was renowned as having "made the world safe for mankind" by destroying many dangerous monsters. He ascended to the Olympian realms and he was welcomed by the gods.
Now you get to choose which character you want to play, we know who the vulture is, so that part is taken LOL now would you rather be Prometheus or Hercules??
PS while at the thick of it I also thought it would take "3 million years" to move to a different emotional place!! those Greeks seem to know how I felt LOL
The day when both you and me are TOTALLY INDIFFERENT with them will be sooooooooooooooo sweet and will be SO MEANINGFUL... we can do it.
We both have had a TOUGH 7-8 months...
I relate so much with you, we are among the "lucky ones" that have to see ex's daily and our train of thoughts is very similar (hurt ourselves as much as possible
). I think your situation is even harder as you have to SEE him... I often do, too but there are some GLORIOUS days I do not see him and do not hear about him... good for you for looking for different work options!Having a front row seat to their life after the facts SUCKS and has made recovery much more complicated and tortured... but it GETS BETTER!!
I felt and sometimes still feel like Prometheus
Prometheus, in eternal punishment, is chained to a rock in the Caucasus, where his liver is eaten out daily by an eagle, only to be regenerated by night, which, by legend, is due to his immortality.Years later, periods of which vary from thirty years, to four hundred thousand years, to 3 million years, the Greek hero Heracles (Hercules) would shoot the eagle and free Prometheus from his chains.
More on Hercules:
He was renowned as having "made the world safe for mankind" by destroying many dangerous monsters. He ascended to the Olympian realms and he was welcomed by the gods.
Now you get to choose which character you want to play, we know who the vulture is, so that part is taken LOL now would you rather be Prometheus or Hercules??
PS while at the thick of it I also thought it would take "3 million years" to move to a different emotional place!! those Greeks seem to know how I felt LOL
The day when both you and me are TOTALLY INDIFFERENT with them will be sooooooooooooooo sweet and will be SO MEANINGFUL... we can do it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Hi,
Sorry for your pain.
Ago is pretty dead on to me. I hated hearing that too. My ex did an about-face, left me a voicemail and moved on with another. It hurts.
There is nothing in the world wrong/bad/unhealthy about setting up boundaries to protect ourselves from others. The thing that stands out to me from your post is that you were hoping that he would choose you over whatever else he has going on. Right now, he is playing with a shiny toy and punishing you by not speaking. Maybe he is doing it on purpose, maybe not. The issue is that you are hurting as a result of not talking with him.
How do you solve this problem?
Why do you want to speak to him?
What do YOU want from him?
Can you give whatever you want to yourself rather than seeking it from an unhealthy man who has already treated you poorly?
I struggle with similar issues and I have not spoken to L since the fall. He remarried the other week and I still want my apology. Is is coming? Likely, no. He is/has been too wrapped up in his new toy/drinking to maturely face the havoc he wreaked.
If you never get an apology, what can you do to help yourself feel better?
Miss
Sorry for your pain.
Ago is pretty dead on to me. I hated hearing that too. My ex did an about-face, left me a voicemail and moved on with another. It hurts.
There is nothing in the world wrong/bad/unhealthy about setting up boundaries to protect ourselves from others. The thing that stands out to me from your post is that you were hoping that he would choose you over whatever else he has going on. Right now, he is playing with a shiny toy and punishing you by not speaking. Maybe he is doing it on purpose, maybe not. The issue is that you are hurting as a result of not talking with him.
How do you solve this problem?
Why do you want to speak to him?
What do YOU want from him?
Can you give whatever you want to yourself rather than seeking it from an unhealthy man who has already treated you poorly?
I struggle with similar issues and I have not spoken to L since the fall. He remarried the other week and I still want my apology. Is is coming? Likely, no. He is/has been too wrapped up in his new toy/drinking to maturely face the havoc he wreaked.
If you never get an apology, what can you do to help yourself feel better?
Miss
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
"He left me. And he's not calling to even say I'm sorry and is calling me crazy to my friends and co-workers. WHY? I wasn't perfect, but I wasn't a monster either, and he KNOWS it. Why is he doing this? And what do you do when they are the ones who leave you?"
the answer to your most logical question;
paranoid demonization
has nothing to do with you or with reality, just something addicts do.
the answer to your most logical question;
paranoid demonization
has nothing to do with you or with reality, just something addicts do.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
It also sounds like some mental disorder
a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
C4H, are you seeing an individual therapist? I do not remember.
a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
C4H, are you seeing an individual therapist? I do not remember.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
I lived with an abusive alcoholic years ago. I too always wanted apologies (which I never got) and always wanted answers and explanations (which I never got) until I was told by a counselor "why does it matter why he does what he does?? The only thing that matters is being safe" So I finally quit asking WHY and started thinking about why I had to figure out why he was doing these hurtful things.
I finally came to my senses and threw him out and never looked back. I only know I'm better off without someone so toxic in my life. It hurt that he wouldn't behave 'nicely' but in the end I had to quit chasing after something that wasn't going to happen and just move on with my life. I'm glad I did.
I finally came to my senses and threw him out and never looked back. I only know I'm better off without someone so toxic in my life. It hurt that he wouldn't behave 'nicely' but in the end I had to quit chasing after something that wasn't going to happen and just move on with my life. I'm glad I did.
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 96
Paranoid demonization
Originally Posted by steve11694
"He left me. And he's not calling to even say I'm sorry and is calling me crazy to my friends and co-workers. WHY? I wasn't perfect, but I wasn't a monster either, and he KNOWS it. Why is he doing this? And what do you do when they are the ones who leave you?"
the answer to your most logical question;
paranoid demonization
has nothing to do with you or with reality, just something addicts do.
the answer to your most logical question;
paranoid demonization
has nothing to do with you or with reality, just something addicts do.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
the answer to your most logical question;
paranoid demonization
has nothing to do with you or with reality, just something addicts do.
paranoid demonization
has nothing to do with you or with reality, just something addicts do.
Could just be used as a "get out of jail free" card, if you just say someone has "paranoid demonization" you no longer have a "part" and are no longer responsible for your own actions.
They are just crazy...no reason...he just started acting like a crazy man and hated me for no reason.
I'm not saying it doesn't happen but I've never ever had an interaction in my life with someone getting angry at me where I didn't play SOME part.
I have worked with dozens upon dozens of alcoholics, probably well over 100, and known literally thousands, many of who "got it" many of who didn't, who walked out the door blaming everything and everyone else on their way out the door, and I have NEVER seen anything like the "paranoid demonization" that occurs in this forum. When alcoholics get sober they also address their codependent tendencies, but they aren't called that, they are called relationships with others.
I will even go as far to state I have been the subject of paranoid demonization from a practicing alcoholic, but I KNOW I played a part. In every instance. A pretty big part. I might not have "started it" but when they started "tossing the ball" I sure as hell "caught the ball and threw it back"
By the end there was absolutely two people playing, and I have NEVER ever in my life seen that not be the case.
That's just me though, I aint that smart and I'm frequently wrong.
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