Do I accept the money?

Old 06-25-2009, 04:37 PM
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Do I accept the money?

My ex's mom sent a moneygram for 130 bucks...the Child support papers are about to arrive at her door for my ex any day now to appear in court for arranging support amount per month...Do I just leave her offering alone so it doesn't look like I am trying to take everything I can? (Background...he sends about 100 a month and hasn't since May so I think this is a peace offering.) She says in her heart she sees us working out someday and that he is just going through stress over there. (DRugs, new job, new girl, parents mad at him, living at his parents, bumming money from them, etc.) I am not sure that is right to take the money b/c of the volcanic reaction that will occur when the sheriff's dept (His dad retired from and knows everyone there) shows up at the door with a court summons. I know I am doing the right thing for my daughter by filing, but there is a lot of apprehension on my part to make the wrong move?

I really want your honest opinion, do I just leave the walmart moneygram alone or do I say it is very needed and could help alot right now?

Also, he and I have not been in contact but his mom is leaving messages, trying to "fix" the situation. I think my mom is getting the impression that she is looking out for her own son and not her granddaughter and so my mom hopes she doesn't call b/c she wants to tell her to stop calling. It is complicated because his mom is still in denial about him and thinks he is just missing us and lonely and stressed...she doesn't think he is on anything and if he is he may need it. All this is pointless if I do the wrong thing so I just want to make sure I don't look bad in court or selfish.
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Old 06-25-2009, 04:40 PM
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Is this like if someone offers you a steak dinner and then you send an ugly email the next day demanding relief food for the peanut butter sandwiches they fed you all year?
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Old 06-25-2009, 05:54 PM
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Did she send just the money? Was there a note of explanation? Is she saying it is from him or from the grandparents? etc etc

These questions need to be answered, then you call over to court and see if someone there can advise you, you can tell them that you just received $130 from THE GRANDPARENTS and that is the first money you have received since May 1 (or whatever date it was) and that you are doing this to get an order in place so that some funds come regularly, not haphazardly when he or his parents 'think' about it, to help you with your daughters needs, formula, diapers, baby wipes, first foods, etc.

If the folks at the court can't help, then please see an attorney BEFORE you cash that, just to be on the safe side and CYA.

J M H O

Love and hugs,
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Old 06-25-2009, 06:04 PM
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She didn't send a note, just left a reference number on my voicemail at home saying it was to help with my daughter. She still mentioned us working it out someday hopefully, so if that is her intention then I cannot accept. If it is just to help with baby I can. I think it is money to keep me from doing anything "rash" as she terms filing. I guess I will leave it alone, I am so broke it could really help but I don't want to do the wrong thing ethically or legally.

Last edited by Ann; 06-26-2009 at 01:28 AM. Reason: removed child's name
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Old 06-25-2009, 06:47 PM
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Just one person's thoughts.

You said that she sent the money "to help with your daughter." If taking the money would help you with your child and you could use the money, then take it. She did not specifiy that you could only take the money on the condition that you got back together with your ex.

She may or may not try to guilt trip you down the road.... but that is really irrelevant. She will try to guilt trip you if you take the money or not, if she wants to try to guilt trip you. So take the money and use it for your daughter. Write her a thank you and tell her what you bought. You might just be surprised.

I am not a lawyer, but if the money came from her, with no mention that it was child support being paid on behalf of her son, it should not matter to the court one bit. My kids Grandparents send money to me to get things for their grandkids. It has nothing to do with child support.

In many states, it is possible to have the person making the support payment make the payment to a special account controlled by the state. The state then pays you. That way, there never can be any doubt as to (1) that the money was paid or not paid, and (2) when it was paid. If the court order specifies that approach, then any money paid outside of that is not child support.

Last edited by Ann; 06-26-2009 at 01:35 AM. Reason: removed child's name
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Old 06-25-2009, 07:26 PM
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As a mom, it is possible she may be embarrassed by her son's neglect of his child. Sending you some money could be her way of assuaging that guilt. She probably shouldn't feel guilty - it is his debt, not hers. But as many of us have come to learn, feeling our children are a reflection of our parenting is often the "norm" and it can take years of alanon to outgrow that feeling.

Since the money is a gift, perhaps you can just accept it as a gift... not as some sort of replacement "child support", but just as a gift from a loving grandmother. And sending a thank you note for the gift would not be out of line.

I wish you well. ((hugs))
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Old 06-26-2009, 12:27 AM
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Can a forum advisor or monitor delete the post with my daughters name in it above ...stupid on my part Thanks
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Old 06-26-2009, 12:28 AM
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THanks guys...still not sure what to do my gut says leave the money
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Old 06-26-2009, 01:33 AM
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Originally Posted by whereami View Post
Can a forum advisor or monitor delete the post with my daughters name in it above ...stupid on my part Thanks
Done.

I agree with getting a legal opinion on this one. However, it appears that this has made you very uncomfortable and if it would give you comfort to return it, then by all means do that.

My thoughts are to consider it a gift from a grandparent to a grandchild and buy your daughter something she needs with it.

Hugs
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Old 06-26-2009, 03:57 AM
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You could also hold onto it for a couple of days until the papers are served and see if there is going to be some huge backlash. if there isnt then spend it on your daughter. if there is then send it back.

But I dont see anything morally wrong with taking it and it wont make you look bad in court - in fact it should never come up in court as she isnt party to it. if it did then it would make him look bad that his Mommy had to help because he wouldnt.
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Old 06-26-2009, 03:35 PM
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hmmm...
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Old 06-26-2009, 05:37 PM
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It would be rude to not accept a gift from your child's grandmother.

What's this got to do wuth child support?


As an aside, it sounds like the MILs are turning this into a big ole drama. Have you considered turning the volume down?
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Old 06-26-2009, 06:36 PM
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Are you asking for opinions? As a single mom, I know how tough diapers can be to come by sometimes. You may not need it today but you may need it tomorrow (think Ballet lessons!) Take that money and you use it for your daughter. This is about her and her needs. If your daughter doesn't have any immediate needs right now, then go open up a bank account in her name and start saving for her college education. ;-)
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Old 06-26-2009, 07:09 PM
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Well, his mom called to see if I cashed it, she stated that he ran away from their house, packed and apparently moved in with his 46 year old girlfriends/counselor/pothead's house. (hes 34...no comment about manipulation and money hungry there) Anyways, his note said his mom and I judge him and he is sick of it and is doing great at his new job. THe problem is the support notice for court goes to his moms but he ran away...I put his work address so they may have to serve it there? She said that I needed to be less harsh on him because in case things work out?? She also said he isnt mad at the baby, are you kidding me??? How is getting mad at the baby even an option?? I think her issues are starting to surface and I am getting a strong feeling by the way she talks that her husband abused drugs after the war and she took cheating etc and dealt with it for her kids. I am thinking that if I take the money they will say that I am leading them on to believe I want a relationship when I don't I just want him to sign the darn papers and be out of our life. The sad thing is I am so frustrated and emotionally overwhelmed handling the new single mom thing and then I am really hoping the law will make him own up to his responsibilities. He lead us on to believe for months that he wanted to help more but couldnt and now I know that is one big lie...he was just trying to find someone to land with in a safe place where he could make them believe he is so wonderful and leave those that know him in the dust. It makes me sad because I wanted her to know her dad but I dont want her in an environment with drugs and manipulation and trashy situations...the 16 yr old minor who is his new gf's granddaughter has a quote on her myspace page that says something very provacative about "doing you" and her pic was innapropriate...this is his environment?? I dont want my child around that...I am so worried how do I protect her without hard evidence of his drug use except a few prescriptions and journals? I mean yes he clearly missed work and got fired from 2 diff jobs so that should hold some water, but how do I make sure that my baby isnt anywhere near the dangers of drugs and neglect in his state? Also we live in 2 diff states and she was born here in mine and we stayed here, he left...does that mean he has to come here? I am sorry if these questions dont apply I am just so overwhelmed...
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Old 06-26-2009, 07:27 PM
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So much drama Ami. Like it's not hard enough to raise a child on your own without crazy self-centered people trying to manipulate you into feeling bad.

When I feel overwhelmed (and I do often) I repeat the serenity prayer to myself and I remind myself that nothing stays the same. Hang in there. This too shall pass. Have faith. As long as YOU do the best you can for yourself and your daughter, everything will work out in the long run.

You are doing a great job. Hang in there. Remember that his problems are not your problems. It's his bed. He can lay in it. Stay in the now. The future can change in an instant.

(((hugs)))
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