9 days - just enought to be proof that there is not problem?
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Join Date: Jun 2009
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9 days - just enought to be proof that there is not problem?
Quickly....just wondering about withdraw from alcohol and beginning sobriety. First my husbands claims that he can't be an alcoholic because he has had no withdraw...however...he has felt nausea, had pounding headaches, misc. other pains, and overall is exhausted and moody....these are all symptoms of withdraw right? Also, not that he has stopped drinking, no program, just stopped, I believe maybe he thinks he has "proved" to me that he can stop whenever he wants and be ok. Here is my question....does anyone know of anyone who actually stopped after doing this or is this just part of the denial cycle? Just curious if you have any thoughts on this...THANKS!
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
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Mentally, yes those can be withdrawal symptoms. They can also be a number of other things.
Some people have stopped without a program, some people have stopped WITH a program, some people never stop, some people have stopped and started for fifty years, causing untold chaos for people who allow themselves and their children to ride the rollercoaster.
Some people try to prove they don't have an alcohol problem by quitting for X days (Just long enough to get you off their back.) Some people try to prove they don't have an alcohol problem because "they only drink beer." Some people don't care whether you think they have an alcohol problem or not.
Some people don't have an alcohol problem, but they are still abusers.
Is he still treating you horribly?
It's out of your control what he chooses, and what happens -- 100% out of your control. Are you doing anything for yourself, so it doesn't MATTER which of the above he chooses? Al-anon, counseling, anything?
Some people have stopped without a program, some people have stopped WITH a program, some people never stop, some people have stopped and started for fifty years, causing untold chaos for people who allow themselves and their children to ride the rollercoaster.
Some people try to prove they don't have an alcohol problem by quitting for X days (Just long enough to get you off their back.) Some people try to prove they don't have an alcohol problem because "they only drink beer." Some people don't care whether you think they have an alcohol problem or not.
Some people don't have an alcohol problem, but they are still abusers.
Is he still treating you horribly?
It's out of your control what he chooses, and what happens -- 100% out of your control. Are you doing anything for yourself, so it doesn't MATTER which of the above he chooses? Al-anon, counseling, anything?
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 347
Things are better as far as how he treats me.....I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. It feels like a game of, "See I'm not what you think I am, or as bad as what you keep saying." Time will tell.
For me, I started running again, and going to an exercise boot camp which is helping me release some of my frustration and anger. I intend to s was tough for themgo to Alanon next week, there is a meeting near my house on Tuesday. I also am focusing on my kids, I knowdid t this has been tough for them.
Lastly, I told my AH that should things just go back to how they were, that I would be done......without doubt I intend to fully back this up. I know what I would have to do and how I would have to do it. I can't let my kids watch the insanity for fear of their mental health, and their overall happiness.
Each day, I'm just doing the very best I can for myself and them.
For me, I started running again, and going to an exercise boot camp which is helping me release some of my frustration and anger. I intend to s was tough for themgo to Alanon next week, there is a meeting near my house on Tuesday. I also am focusing on my kids, I knowdid t this has been tough for them.
Lastly, I told my AH that should things just go back to how they were, that I would be done......without doubt I intend to fully back this up. I know what I would have to do and how I would have to do it. I can't let my kids watch the insanity for fear of their mental health, and their overall happiness.
Each day, I'm just doing the very best I can for myself and them.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I used my brain to get sober, not a program. Some others do as well. Some people need the support and structure of a program to get sober. We are as unique as our fingerprints in what we need to get and stay sober.
I realized, for me, that there was a difference between sober and recovered. Sobriety meant I no longer drank anything alcoholic. Recovery meant I was working on learning new coping skills.
My recovery includes programs like AA, and Al Anon. Self-help books, meditation, yoga, SR and excercise are also part of my recovery program.
Your AH's #of sober days does not indicate a problem or lack of problem. It is just a #. Alcoholics can pull off periods of sobriety. Normal drinkers can pull off periods of sobriety.
If he is an alcoholic or not, does not matter. If his drinking is an issue for you, then it is a problem in your relationship. You can only help yourself in coping with this issue. What are you willing to do to learn to cope with this part of your relationship? Do you need to use a program or do you need to use your brain?
I realized, for me, that there was a difference between sober and recovered. Sobriety meant I no longer drank anything alcoholic. Recovery meant I was working on learning new coping skills.
My recovery includes programs like AA, and Al Anon. Self-help books, meditation, yoga, SR and excercise are also part of my recovery program.
Your AH's #of sober days does not indicate a problem or lack of problem. It is just a #. Alcoholics can pull off periods of sobriety. Normal drinkers can pull off periods of sobriety.
If he is an alcoholic or not, does not matter. If his drinking is an issue for you, then it is a problem in your relationship. You can only help yourself in coping with this issue. What are you willing to do to learn to cope with this part of your relationship? Do you need to use a program or do you need to use your brain?
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Great work, mentally!!!! Running is a great release for me too, and helps me to make sane, rational decisions in the rest of my day. Keep it up -- and keep your boundaries strong. Regardless of whether he is/isn't alcoholic, is/isn't drinking, is/isn't in withdrawal, you have the right to make healthy decisions for you and your kids. It is NOT an "if I finally act like I'm trying, you have to stay" situation. Decide what you want your life to be like, and move toward it. It is all up to you. (((( mentallyxah )))
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Tampa, Florida
Posts: 108
I just wanted to say that my exAbf would do this frequently. He would stop drinking for a week, then brag to me that he could stop for a week, so that means he's not addicted. So he would drink again for a month. I would complain and then he would stop for 2 weeks. Then he would brag that if he could stop for 2 weeks, then he can stop whenever he wants. You see where this is going? Eventually it got to the point where he would say that he would only have 2 beers a night. No more, no less. He thought he could control it this way. WRONG! by the 5th night, it was 3 beers. By the 6th night it was a whole six pack. I didn't give him a chance to make it any worse after that. I just left.
I believe that some people can stop all on their own, without a program. However, his behavior sounds to me like he's just trying to prove to you that he can stop, then tell you that since he can stop, he's not addicted. It will just start all over agian.
I'm not trying to be harsh here, but there is a difference between being dry and being sober. My ex would also be very moody and cranky when I would make him stop. He became bitter and resentful that I was "controlling" his life. You don't have to be dependent on alcohol for it to be a problem. You may not have the classic signs of withdrawl, but eventually it could come to that if they don't get a grip on it right now.
Either way, if it's effecting you, then you need to get out. I have learned that being an alcoholic is only defined by weather they hold it above all other things in their lives. It consumes them so much that nothing else seems to matter. Regaurdless of how often they drink or how long they stop.
I hope the best for you.
Sarah
I believe that some people can stop all on their own, without a program. However, his behavior sounds to me like he's just trying to prove to you that he can stop, then tell you that since he can stop, he's not addicted. It will just start all over agian.
I'm not trying to be harsh here, but there is a difference between being dry and being sober. My ex would also be very moody and cranky when I would make him stop. He became bitter and resentful that I was "controlling" his life. You don't have to be dependent on alcohol for it to be a problem. You may not have the classic signs of withdrawl, but eventually it could come to that if they don't get a grip on it right now.
Either way, if it's effecting you, then you need to get out. I have learned that being an alcoholic is only defined by weather they hold it above all other things in their lives. It consumes them so much that nothing else seems to matter. Regaurdless of how often they drink or how long they stop.
I hope the best for you.
Sarah
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 16
Mentallyexh,
I am a person with an alcohol problem, as is your husband. We want to make it simple, and there are times people can make it seem simple and clear; but a drinking problem can usually be complicated, and a very hard thing to understand.
I have learned a lot by reading the stories in this forum. I sometimes feel like I am eavesdropping, but hope I can add something when I can.
It is complicated. I can empathize with your husband. There was a recent thread describing “the excuses alcoholics make.” I can rather shamefully relate to almost all of the excuses; but, on the other hand, I can also feel and believe truth within some of them.
There can be a great deal of fear and resentment wrapped around the notion of someone (whom we have loved and have understood to love us) trying to convince us that we are “alcoholic.” And from your posts, it seems that is what you and he are attempting to prove/disprove: does he fit the “definition of alcoholic?” We hear stories of what alcoholism is, and our experience doesn’t match. I can go to every drinking social engagement and not overdrink; never think about overdrinking. But within me, the desire to occasionally get drunk remains compelling; and it seems I will inevitably act upon it as long as I am allowing myself to continue to drink socially. And it drives my wife nuts.
And it’s complicated again by all of the stuff attached to and orbiting alcohol and “alcoholism;” and also by the appearance of each party taking outside advice, opposing sides; and putting conditions upon what had once seemed like unconditional love.
And for years your husband has thought of himself as a drinker, and he’s romanticized it. He really likes drinking, and the thought of giving it up completely might make him feel he’s losing his sense of self.
But mostly I think it is simple. Why concern ourselves with fitting the definition? His drinking is causing a problem for you and for him and your relationship. It is a drinking problem. Your husband’s drinking drives you nuts. His problem might be more involved than that, but for you (and for him as it concerns you) that is the issue. If he wants to maintain a good relationship with you and respect your right to happiness within the relationship, then he needs to do what it takes to not drive you nuts.
Let him know that whether he is powerless over alcohol or not, he has decisions to make. Try to be kind to him, and let him know that it doesn’t make a difference if he fits a definition of alcoholic or not, but ask him to examine his values. I would recommend pointing him toward this forum. There are many ways toward sobriety, tell him you know that, and ask him to look into them.
When I began writing this post I wanted to write something simple, but it really is complicated.
I am a person with an alcohol problem, as is your husband. We want to make it simple, and there are times people can make it seem simple and clear; but a drinking problem can usually be complicated, and a very hard thing to understand.
I have learned a lot by reading the stories in this forum. I sometimes feel like I am eavesdropping, but hope I can add something when I can.
It is complicated. I can empathize with your husband. There was a recent thread describing “the excuses alcoholics make.” I can rather shamefully relate to almost all of the excuses; but, on the other hand, I can also feel and believe truth within some of them.
There can be a great deal of fear and resentment wrapped around the notion of someone (whom we have loved and have understood to love us) trying to convince us that we are “alcoholic.” And from your posts, it seems that is what you and he are attempting to prove/disprove: does he fit the “definition of alcoholic?” We hear stories of what alcoholism is, and our experience doesn’t match. I can go to every drinking social engagement and not overdrink; never think about overdrinking. But within me, the desire to occasionally get drunk remains compelling; and it seems I will inevitably act upon it as long as I am allowing myself to continue to drink socially. And it drives my wife nuts.
And it’s complicated again by all of the stuff attached to and orbiting alcohol and “alcoholism;” and also by the appearance of each party taking outside advice, opposing sides; and putting conditions upon what had once seemed like unconditional love.
And for years your husband has thought of himself as a drinker, and he’s romanticized it. He really likes drinking, and the thought of giving it up completely might make him feel he’s losing his sense of self.
But mostly I think it is simple. Why concern ourselves with fitting the definition? His drinking is causing a problem for you and for him and your relationship. It is a drinking problem. Your husband’s drinking drives you nuts. His problem might be more involved than that, but for you (and for him as it concerns you) that is the issue. If he wants to maintain a good relationship with you and respect your right to happiness within the relationship, then he needs to do what it takes to not drive you nuts.
Let him know that whether he is powerless over alcohol or not, he has decisions to make. Try to be kind to him, and let him know that it doesn’t make a difference if he fits a definition of alcoholic or not, but ask him to examine his values. I would recommend pointing him toward this forum. There are many ways toward sobriety, tell him you know that, and ask him to look into them.
When I began writing this post I wanted to write something simple, but it really is complicated.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Usually I'm Mr Bust out with the mirror but this appeals to my sense of humor, this next bit
Tell him he can drink 2 drinks, thats 2 beers, 2 glasses of wine, or "mixed drinks" each with 1.5 oz of alcohol ONLY or it doesn't count for thirty days.
Tell him if he can do this you will NEVER say another word about his drinking for the rest of your/his life.
Bet him he can't do it because he is an alcoholic. Alcoholics takes bets and challenges faster then Oprah eats Ice Cream cones.
Alcoholics are unable to do this, they can actually quit or go on the wagon for years at a time in some instances, but alcoholics cant drink two drinks a day for thirty days, they can't. The Alcohol sets off their allergy.
If he is able to do this, he is a "heavy drinker" and you may have to rethink your strategy.
Tell him he can drink 2 drinks, thats 2 beers, 2 glasses of wine, or "mixed drinks" each with 1.5 oz of alcohol ONLY or it doesn't count for thirty days.
Tell him if he can do this you will NEVER say another word about his drinking for the rest of your/his life.
Bet him he can't do it because he is an alcoholic. Alcoholics takes bets and challenges faster then Oprah eats Ice Cream cones.
Alcoholics are unable to do this, they can actually quit or go on the wagon for years at a time in some instances, but alcoholics cant drink two drinks a day for thirty days, they can't. The Alcohol sets off their allergy.
If he is able to do this, he is a "heavy drinker" and you may have to rethink your strategy.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 347
In reply to the challenge of 2 drinks..........I didn't really say this to him, but he said no problem, he could control it, 2 drinks that was our sort "deal". That was a couple days ago - last night 5-6 beers ands at least 3 shots of whiskey. So.....hmm...questions answered (if there ever was one at all). At least last night he wasn't mean....but of course to him he was absoluetly fine, nothing wrong....oh except he was slurring his words and stumbling....but fine.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
its a hook so you don't leave and keep doubting yourself
why does he do that?
because so far its working beautifully (for him)
imagine he will drink daily the rest of his life. are you ok living like this?
this is as good as it gets. this is what he can give you as a partner.
why does he do that?
because so far its working beautifully (for him)
imagine he will drink daily the rest of his life. are you ok living like this?
this is as good as it gets. this is what he can give you as a partner.
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