Abundance

Woke up at 5am..... with very real sensations. I had a dream with my guy in it... and his parents.

I was reminded of the sensations of being rejected by him. His taking his love from me.... and me yearning to feel it and want it back. I don't know if he did it on purpose or was even aware - but he did it. I know that he would think that I should take away my love from the boys when they were grounded... like that would teach them a lesson! For example.... don't talk with them when they are grounded. WTH? I never did it... it felt wrong and kinda twisted. This dream I had - reminded me of those feelings... and I tossed and turned for the next few hours. Stomach in knots (literally cramping).... remembering so many things (good and bad).

I have my therapy appt. coming up. I have no idea what to expect - she didn't give me homework last week.....

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When I came home from my meeting ... I wrote the following on Facebook:

"Conquer fear...... by having COURAGE........ doesn't matter if your heart is in a thousand little pieces....slowly, but surely the heart will mend .... gotta have faith in yourself."

My cousin responded asking why my heart was shattered.

My reply:

"Because I allowed it to be. I relinquished my power - my *self* over and over again.... thus the thousand pieces. Onward journey - moving forward - reclaiming my power and courage that is within me... Walking where *I* like my steps. Bringing all of my feelings, thoughts, what I see, what I know, what I hear, and what I touch ... all to the same place! Honoring *my* integrity..... being true to myself -and having courage to do so.

I've been having these realizations for awhile now - and found myself in the same cycle/circle...... it's having the courage to step out and realize my worth - that is the hard part. That is what I'm working on and probably will be forever. Good for you for taking a stand, as well! It not only benefits us, but also everyone else around us!"
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We visited with my brother today - who just had surgery on his shoulder. It was nice to see how much care my sister in law is giving to him. She had the medicine counted out for different times of the day. Prepared meal so all he had to do was heat it up. For a little bit, it made me sad - because I wish that I could have done that with my guy's pills.... helping him help himself, help him not get back into the spell of addiction. Trouble is - he wasn't helping himself - and I know that I had to back off and let him do what he was going to do - it was just a matter of time where one of us would sh!t or get off the pot. The more I detached myself from it being about "him" and focused more on myself - the closer I got to realizing that I was hurting him instead of helping him and I was taking myself down right along side him. So, I guess that really turns into a positive.

I had more moments again about how I behaved when I would feel so many different emotions. For example, the H experience, walking in on him getting ready to snort ritalin, using cartridges upon cartridges of N20, the 2 month xanax run, listening in on a phone conversation and finding out about the "cute little red head" - (although, I re-acted quite calm with that one and this time acted by getting out of the R)... thinking of all the tears and pain of feeling rejected by him while at the same time beating myself up for taking it personally when I shouldn't have been. I was constantly beating myself up for getting angry with myself for 're-acting' towards him. I'd get so angry and would say not very nice things. I would slam doors and cupboards and drawers. I would scream into the open air.... "WHY... WHY????" I would have melt downs in the shower... I just has SO MANY meltdowns. Why? Because I couldn't control it... and yet I couldn't walk away from it, either. And as hard as I damn well tried to accept it - I just couldn't justify/rationalize a way to accept it. With every single piece of me - I rejected it. BUT I couldn't walk away.

I have heard that when addicts have a relapse with all of the NA /BIG book in the brains - the high of the drug is never the same. Well - with a codies - it's sort of the same thing. With me knowing all of the tools and all of the N/A slogans in my brain - essentially in recovery - it's very difficult to be in a relationship with an addict who is also not working recovery.

I knew this from the get go. I said that if one of us is only doing recovery - it's not going to work. However, if we both relapse - it could. My hope was that we would together be in recovery.

My therapist doesn't know too much about addiction, but she knows a lot about anxiety and depression. Being involved in an addictive relationship brings about anxiety and depression - so I'm really grateful to be working with her.

This weeks homework is about "assertiveness".

Peace ~ xoxo

Abundance

Oh - and I got a trim/haircut. Wispy and shorter bangs!

Aaaaaaaaand.... my boys fixed my dad's cell phone - (after I got my dad a new one for Father's Day) - and they have been having such a blast with it! Today is the only day though - I'm taking it back tomorrow and will apply some rules for future use. They have been sending me funny texts and pictures. They hooked my dad up with all his contacts for his new phone. My oldest is playing outside and he calls me. "Oh hey mom! I'm outside... kinda bored - so I thought I'd call and see how you're doing?!" heh heh. They are playing nicely with it too.... no arguments. But I think that's cause I warned them that if there are any that is immediate "bub-bye phone".

Thank goodness - thus far - with my kids they learn the 'art of consequence' with me. They are such good boys!