My feelings about my divorce are overwhelming me
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 237
My feelings about my divorce are overwhelming me
My STBXAH was served with my divorce papers today. There were things in there that I expressly did NOT want to be in there--frankly, I don't remember reading through the entire filing when I signed it, and actually think my attorney wrote a lot of it after he had my signature. Long story short, it's a lot more aggressive than I wanted it to be, even though at the time it was written my AH was drinking, and now it's definitely more aggressive and adversarial than I want it to be given that he has been sober for a month, been going to AA 3-4 times a week and has managed to keep a job for two whole weeks now. For example, it says in the papers that I want him to pay my attorney's fees and possibly alimony. I NEVER said that to my attorney. So of course STBXAH is super-mad now and is promising me I'll have a fight on my hands. I've already tried to tell him I'll have my attorney amend the filing to reflect my actual wants, but he doesn't want to listen.
But I actually digress from what's really bothering me. Basically, it's that he still gets to me. I started dating someone else about two months after I first moved out and started divorce proceedings. At the time, XAH was still drinking and being a miserable waste of space, and I felt completely justified in my decision to begin a relationship. I worried that it was too soon, but I've talked with my boyfriend at length about this and we both felt that as long as we took it slow, talked about our feelings, and both continued working on ourselves it was OK for both of us to feel happy about this good relationship (I knew him previously so a lot of the "new person" awkwardness wasn't really there either).
Well, now that STBXAH has #1. found out about this relationship #2. gone on a bender to end all benders that ended with our condo being condemned and him being taken to the hospital on suicide watch #3. gotten out of the hospital with a newfound commitment to sobriety #4. gotten his own place and his own job and #5. been attending AA regularly, he just does not understand WHY and HOW I could "do this to him". He begs me anytime I talk to him to give our relationship another chance, that he understands the need for separation or even divorce for him to prove himself, but that he really, really needs me to break up with BF to give him peace of mind and help him feel that reconciliation is possible down the line if he continues to prove himself. I will add here that although I do know he is attending AA frequently, he has not gotten a sponser that he actually calls (he drove a guy home from the meeting once, they talked, and he asked this guy to be his sponser--guy said yes, but he's going through his own tough time and no contact has been made on either end). I guess I will also mention that I started AA meetings myself, for myself, 10 days ago (I have 10 sober days as of today!)
So, dealing with my feelings of guilt is difficult, particularly as I'm not exactly used to letting myself fully feel my upsetting emotions. I still talk to XAH way too much on the phone, although I only call him back about 1 time for every 10 times he calls and leaves a message. Every time I do though, it's more of the same about how he just can't comprehend how I can just throw our relationship completely out now that he's finally doing the right thing. Oh, and how he knows he'll be alone forever. And how his job sucks, and he's going to have to work another part-time job as well. And how he would be the best husband in the world if I could just give him a glimmer of hope that down the line, we could be together again. And how I'm the love of his life and he'll never, ever get over me. And how he was a good husband when he was sober, and he can be a good husband again in the future, but due to my selfishness, I'm robbing him and our daughter of having our family intact again down the line.
I know a lot of people told me, and some people even say it on these boards, that we should look at their actions, and even if you decide to leave, that doesn't mean you couldn't reconcile in the future if their actions show they are "recovering". Well, I guess I am feeling guilty because I am telling him now that it doesn't matter what he does, he's still lost me. And then I feel doubly guilty because I know myself well enough to know that I would probably be giving him that "glimmer of hope for the future" IF I wasn't involved in a relationship that makes me happy and that I don't want to give up. But am I being selfish? Should I give him a chance to "prove himself" and leave the door open if he does continue to stay sober, works his program, keeps a job?
Thanks for reading this long post, and ANY advice/words of wisdom/etc. would be very much appreciated.
But I actually digress from what's really bothering me. Basically, it's that he still gets to me. I started dating someone else about two months after I first moved out and started divorce proceedings. At the time, XAH was still drinking and being a miserable waste of space, and I felt completely justified in my decision to begin a relationship. I worried that it was too soon, but I've talked with my boyfriend at length about this and we both felt that as long as we took it slow, talked about our feelings, and both continued working on ourselves it was OK for both of us to feel happy about this good relationship (I knew him previously so a lot of the "new person" awkwardness wasn't really there either).
Well, now that STBXAH has #1. found out about this relationship #2. gone on a bender to end all benders that ended with our condo being condemned and him being taken to the hospital on suicide watch #3. gotten out of the hospital with a newfound commitment to sobriety #4. gotten his own place and his own job and #5. been attending AA regularly, he just does not understand WHY and HOW I could "do this to him". He begs me anytime I talk to him to give our relationship another chance, that he understands the need for separation or even divorce for him to prove himself, but that he really, really needs me to break up with BF to give him peace of mind and help him feel that reconciliation is possible down the line if he continues to prove himself. I will add here that although I do know he is attending AA frequently, he has not gotten a sponser that he actually calls (he drove a guy home from the meeting once, they talked, and he asked this guy to be his sponser--guy said yes, but he's going through his own tough time and no contact has been made on either end). I guess I will also mention that I started AA meetings myself, for myself, 10 days ago (I have 10 sober days as of today!)
So, dealing with my feelings of guilt is difficult, particularly as I'm not exactly used to letting myself fully feel my upsetting emotions. I still talk to XAH way too much on the phone, although I only call him back about 1 time for every 10 times he calls and leaves a message. Every time I do though, it's more of the same about how he just can't comprehend how I can just throw our relationship completely out now that he's finally doing the right thing. Oh, and how he knows he'll be alone forever. And how his job sucks, and he's going to have to work another part-time job as well. And how he would be the best husband in the world if I could just give him a glimmer of hope that down the line, we could be together again. And how I'm the love of his life and he'll never, ever get over me. And how he was a good husband when he was sober, and he can be a good husband again in the future, but due to my selfishness, I'm robbing him and our daughter of having our family intact again down the line.
I know a lot of people told me, and some people even say it on these boards, that we should look at their actions, and even if you decide to leave, that doesn't mean you couldn't reconcile in the future if their actions show they are "recovering". Well, I guess I am feeling guilty because I am telling him now that it doesn't matter what he does, he's still lost me. And then I feel doubly guilty because I know myself well enough to know that I would probably be giving him that "glimmer of hope for the future" IF I wasn't involved in a relationship that makes me happy and that I don't want to give up. But am I being selfish? Should I give him a chance to "prove himself" and leave the door open if he does continue to stay sober, works his program, keeps a job?
Thanks for reading this long post, and ANY advice/words of wisdom/etc. would be very much appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: California
Posts: 131
A few thoughts come to mind, mostly on the legal side. Asking for attorney's fee and alimony is very standard in divorce pleadings. It is easier to "concede" on these points if you don't want to pursue than it is to ask for them later.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Okay, REALITY CHECK TIME.
He is STILL QUACKING. He is still MANIPULATING. So .............................. he has a job, for 2 weeks now, and been 'sober' a month and going to AA.
Well all and good, but how about you go NO CONTACT. Let your attorney be the contact. Then see what he is doing and what his ACTIONS are showing about 2 years down the road?
You are not responsible for him. You are not responsible to give him 'hope.' If anything the 'REALITY' of the divorce papers may help him to see 'HIS PART' in what went wrong, and they may not.
((((((MQ)))))
I know you feel guilty, (a good part of which comes from the fact he knows how to 'manipulate' and push your buttons). This is NOT YOUR FAULT. Honest.
For your own serenity and peace of mind, I really would suggest NO CONTACT.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
He is STILL QUACKING. He is still MANIPULATING. So .............................. he has a job, for 2 weeks now, and been 'sober' a month and going to AA.
Well all and good, but how about you go NO CONTACT. Let your attorney be the contact. Then see what he is doing and what his ACTIONS are showing about 2 years down the road?
You are not responsible for him. You are not responsible to give him 'hope.' If anything the 'REALITY' of the divorce papers may help him to see 'HIS PART' in what went wrong, and they may not.
((((((MQ)))))
I know you feel guilty, (a good part of which comes from the fact he knows how to 'manipulate' and push your buttons). This is NOT YOUR FAULT. Honest.
For your own serenity and peace of mind, I really would suggest NO CONTACT.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Mambo my two cents
He had plenty of time when he was with you to be all these things he now "promises" but COULD NOT BE a minute before you got tired and left. How convenient.
His manipulation will last as long as he finds a new enabler
Hugs!!
He had plenty of time when he was with you to be all these things he now "promises" but COULD NOT BE a minute before you got tired and left. How convenient.
His manipulation will last as long as he finds a new enabler
Hugs!!
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
sometimes we have just had enough, after all of the many many second chances and broken promises and lies and betrayal.
Sometimes we have gone through so much that either our love for a person has died or we still love them but cannot trust them again, cannot risk being in love with them again and for our sanity and happiness we have to move forward.
Sometimes relationships run their course for one person or the other without any blame or fault.
That is absolutely ok.
You don't owe him your future love and partnership, no matter what his actions are. You don't owe him any more chances. Even if he were to be a perfect model of recovering manhood from this day forwad, if you don't want a relationship with him then that is FINE.
I don't imagine he'll be the first person to dislike the terms of the divorce papers. What is the consequence to you if he feels angry? or as my therapist says..... "so?"
I am working on not rushing to fix things when other people don't like them or are angry: I get so uncomfortable that it makes me squirm, but I am trying just to NOT ACT.
I am finding that if I let that first rush of "oh no: someone is unhappy therefore this must be unfair" subside, I lose the uncomfortable feeling, I get a chance to evaluate whether this is fair or not (and concentrate on what is fair for ME first of all). I am finiding that often others calm down, or if not, it doesn't affect me so badly. This is my major recovery technique LOL. I am moving forward simply by not doing the things I usually do, not placating, not rushing to give more, not arguing not rushing to act or please. Just taking a deep breath and letting things run for a bit.
LOL
Sometimes we have gone through so much that either our love for a person has died or we still love them but cannot trust them again, cannot risk being in love with them again and for our sanity and happiness we have to move forward.
Sometimes relationships run their course for one person or the other without any blame or fault.
That is absolutely ok.
You don't owe him your future love and partnership, no matter what his actions are. You don't owe him any more chances. Even if he were to be a perfect model of recovering manhood from this day forwad, if you don't want a relationship with him then that is FINE.
I don't imagine he'll be the first person to dislike the terms of the divorce papers. What is the consequence to you if he feels angry? or as my therapist says..... "so?"
I am working on not rushing to fix things when other people don't like them or are angry: I get so uncomfortable that it makes me squirm, but I am trying just to NOT ACT.
I am finding that if I let that first rush of "oh no: someone is unhappy therefore this must be unfair" subside, I lose the uncomfortable feeling, I get a chance to evaluate whether this is fair or not (and concentrate on what is fair for ME first of all). I am finiding that often others calm down, or if not, it doesn't affect me so badly. This is my major recovery technique LOL. I am moving forward simply by not doing the things I usually do, not placating, not rushing to give more, not arguing not rushing to act or please. Just taking a deep breath and letting things run for a bit.
LOL
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
You're not responsible for his happiness, mambo.
You are only responsible for yours.
My advice? STOP tormenting yourself by talking to him so much. With every single call, he gets another chance to put a crowbar in your heart and plead his case -- which has long been over. With every single call, his hope lifts again that he can say the right things to get you back. With every single call, he is able to manipulate you into feeling...like this. And if you have any doubt at all what would happen if you gave in to his manipulations and sweet words and went back to him -- read some more posts here.
Unless there is something you are getting out of these phone calls (is there? and is it healthy?) I'd suggest you start communicating through your attorney.
Your heart knows you're doing the right thing. It is the fact that you're allowing him to barge into it, again and again, that is causing you pain and prolonging this agony.
(((( mambo queen ))))
You are only responsible for yours.
My advice? STOP tormenting yourself by talking to him so much. With every single call, he gets another chance to put a crowbar in your heart and plead his case -- which has long been over. With every single call, his hope lifts again that he can say the right things to get you back. With every single call, he is able to manipulate you into feeling...like this. And if you have any doubt at all what would happen if you gave in to his manipulations and sweet words and went back to him -- read some more posts here.
Unless there is something you are getting out of these phone calls (is there? and is it healthy?) I'd suggest you start communicating through your attorney.
Your heart knows you're doing the right thing. It is the fact that you're allowing him to barge into it, again and again, that is causing you pain and prolonging this agony.
(((( mambo queen ))))
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: back from the brink
Posts: 457
I agree with what the others have advised... "go no contact". It is really the only way to disengage your heart.
As for your divorce papers — let go and let your atty do their thing. They know what they are doing. You'll see by and by.
As for your new boyfriend, I would really advise to go slow/not get too involved in another new relationship too soon. You need time to let the dust settle, mend your heart and soul. At this point, you are very emotionally vulnerable.
As for your divorce papers — let go and let your atty do their thing. They know what they are doing. You'll see by and by.
As for your new boyfriend, I would really advise to go slow/not get too involved in another new relationship too soon. You need time to let the dust settle, mend your heart and soul. At this point, you are very emotionally vulnerable.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
LOL anvilhead good analogy
Mambo I am also with a new person, granted its been 9 months already so plenty of time to reflect and mourn...
I try to see the new person as a motivation to finish my unfinished business, its not fair to a new one if they are giving their 100% and you are not...
I have tried to take things slower and be honest with the new person (asking for alone time to keep the inner work and not bring my trash to the table)
New people in your life should not distract you from your emotional work, otherwise it will be the same play with the same scripts, only with a different actor.
Good luck ((hugs))
Mambo I am also with a new person, granted its been 9 months already so plenty of time to reflect and mourn...
I try to see the new person as a motivation to finish my unfinished business, its not fair to a new one if they are giving their 100% and you are not...
I have tried to take things slower and be honest with the new person (asking for alone time to keep the inner work and not bring my trash to the table)
New people in your life should not distract you from your emotional work, otherwise it will be the same play with the same scripts, only with a different actor.
Good luck ((hugs))
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
One tricky part about divorce is managing a pit bull lawyer to your expectations. Once they start filling for this and motioning for that a divorce can quickly take on a momentum of it's own and get out of hand in a hurry. Sounds like a typical strategic move, asking for more than you want to only bargain it away at the 11th hour to settle before the actual court date. I once had a front row seat to lawyers puffing up their chests positioning for negotiating leverage, It's no fun at all. Some day this will be behind you. Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Sask
Posts: 117
The first thing I'D do is chew my attorney's a$$ out. Their job is to represent your wishes..............not their own. That attorney could cause you alot of grief and money if hubby ALSO gets a pitbull to protect himself (which frankly, if I were him, is EXACTLY what I'd do)
If you want out..........get out............but if you are having feelings of guilt NOW, imagine how you will feel if you emasculate your ex....bankrupt him......or worse.....when it wasn't necessary for you to move on and find happiness. Just a thought.
If you want out..........get out............but if you are having feelings of guilt NOW, imagine how you will feel if you emasculate your ex....bankrupt him......or worse.....when it wasn't necessary for you to move on and find happiness. Just a thought.
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