darkwater

I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 3 years and I don't know if I should stay in the relationship with him. He has an addiction to coke and I can't be around him when he is using. I have tried to "change" him... knowing full well that you can't change anyone... and yet still i try. I broke up with him last week saying enough is enough, Im done! I felt like I had tried as hard as I could to help him. Now he keeps calling me and texting me everyday saying that he is done with using and doesn't want to loose me. He has started to attend meetings and promises me he hasn't gone near it and doesn't want to. He says he really means it this time... and I feel for him. I can hear in his voice how much he really wants to turn his life around. I don't know what to do! Some days I feel like I can forgive and forget and other days I ask myself why go back to this guy! Sometimes I see that the drug problem is the only thing that holds us back from moving further in our relationship - it's the only thing we ever fight about! But I have lost trust in him and find it hard to believe anything he says. I know if i get back together with him it is going to take a lot of work... I just don't know if it's worth it. Is he worth it?

eggdogg1234

I can give no advice, but i can share some of my story with you. I fell in love with an addict as well. She went through rehab and got a degree and we bought a house and got married and everything was peachy. But than one day she decided to take some pills. She did not do it to hurt me, she did not do it to hurt her, she did it because she is an addict, and even after a few years of recovery she still was an addict. So one pill lead to 2 and so on. Now 7 years after we meet I have filed for a separation and we both have lost our jobs and she is still using somewhere in the town where we live. I have to figure out all the financial stuff on my own, when I talk to her she cries about how she can't do it without me. So I am alone, broke, heart broken and still worried that she will die soon. While I played an enormous role in what happened, I believe that the root cause was her being an addict and not keeping it in check. So I guess I would like you to understand that, he will always be an addict regardless of if he is using or not, and if he does not keep it in check it will get the best of him and everyone he loves. Is that what you want in your life?..........Not that addict aren't great people or that they can't stay sober, they are and they can but it is a life long battle.

lightseeker

what about stepping back for awhile and seeing if he really is ready to do the deal? My experience has been when people get "clean" for someone else it really doesn't mean very much. I know it's hard when he is saying the things to you that you are hearing. My cocaine addicted man said the same thing to me when I first broke up with him. Turned out that he kept on using the whole time. I found out "again" and left the relationship. At that point he did mean it that he was going to get clean and did it. He put himself on random drug testing, got a sponsor, went to meetings, went to a relapse prevention counselor, did a weekly relapse prevention group for a year and a half. So - you never know when they mean it but if you give them time you can see for yourself. It is easier to get the whole truth when you step back though.

Only you can decide if he is worth it. I thought that my husband was and the whole experience that I've gone through with him has proved to me that nobody is worth that. And that is with him staying sober for almost 4 years. Trust is an extremely difficult thing to rebuild and it does take a lot of hard work. The hardest part of the work for me was learning to trust myself and to mean what I say and say what I mean.

I do know that the work that you do on yourself is totally worth it. In the past, I thought that if I got the addict out of my life then the problem was solved. I didn't understand that the real problems were within me. Why did I tolerate a relationship with addiction in it? Why did I undervalue myself so much? It's easy to get addicted to the addict - I know that I sure did. There is a lot of wisdom in this forum and the stickies at the top are a great way to begin. The answers to the questions that you are asking will become clear as you learn more about yourself - not him. It's a wonderful journey and well worth it!

28Days

Okay. I was dating a guy who became an addict while I was with him. It's not always the same, but I can tell you what I went through.

He'd say he quit, but he just hid it from me. Then he'll say he's cutting back, and he does. For a while. And then it's back to normal pretty quick. After a while, he became resentful of me wanting him to quit. He'd be with me, nice and clean, and then he'd leave me to go back to his DOC. It's been back and forth so much, and I'm so tired. I want to save him so bad, but the longer this goes, the more I'm finally just giving up. I don't want to. It kills me to. But I can't help him. He's told me he doesn't want to lose me because of it, but yet does nothing to stop it. All the lies, disappointments, promises broken and let downs get to be too much.

It doesn't mean he's not worth it, but he's got to beat this first. I go through the same thoughts. I know all of my problems with my guy stemmed from his addiction. But I've also had it get better, but only temporarily. If he really wants to get better, tell him that counselling, rehab, something like that must happen.

Take care of yourself (I HATE hearing that, btw). If it's too hard, then don't do it yet. Let him know that if he gets better, you will be there. That's what I'm doing after dealing for over a year.

PM me whenever, I can elaborate better if you wish.
(Geez this got long fast...SORRY)

darkwater

Wow. Thank you for the quick replies.

To eggdogg: Thank you so much for sharing with me. I am so sorry for your pain. It saddens me to hear your story yet I know that this is reality within dating an addict. The thought of getting back together with him and us getting married and having kids and then him using again definitely scares me. It has come to mind plenty of times in my decision on whether or not I should go back to him. I think we all take chances in this world and we always hope that we make the right ones. I think that we just can't live with regret no matter what happens in the end. I pray for you and your troubles and I know that things will get better with time... for both of us.

To Lightseeeker: Thank you for sharing your story with me. My relationship is very similar. There were a few times when he would say he was quitting and went back to using within a few weeks. I just feel from him that he really wants to do it this time. He started going to classes and is trying to take it one step at a time. I have told him when he calls me that I need time away from him. Just as he needs to heal from his addiction so do I from mine. I think time will heal me from my mistrusting him and he needs to really be able to prove to me that he is committed to helping himself get better. And I totally agree with you that I need to spend more time on myself and changing what I like to call my "motherly instinct" that I take on with addicts. (he's unfortunately not the first guy I have dated with a drug problem) Right now I am working on step #10 from the sticky "10 Ways Family Members Can Help A Loved One With A Drug Problem" : Focus on your life and your responsibilities I am happy for you and your husband and I pray for your continued success!

To 28 days: Thank you also for your kind words. The whole reason I broke up with him last weekend was because I was so worn out from everything! I quote from a text I sent him a few days ago: " I spent most of our relationship forgiving you. I am worn out, exhausted. Emotionally and Physically." There were so many promises broken and my trust in him has gone completely down the drain. I also hate hearing that I have to take care of myself. I think our hearts are so big.. we want to take care care of other people first and we forget about ourselves. Right now I am taking it one day at a time and hoping for the best no matter what happens. Thank you again and I will pray for all the things your going through right now and with the hope that things will get better! they always do

28Days

The worn out feeling doesn't go away very easily. It's so tiring when all you do is fight and forgive. The answer seems so easy to you, but to him? He doesn't see it the same way. I lost all trust in mine as well. Isn't it sad? After the loss of trust, respect, and everything...I still love him more than anything? Probably because I know what he used to be. I really am sick of hearing "take care of yourself first". But for the first few times, I was grateful, because I did forget for a while. For a few months there, I was so focused on him, that my grades in college suffered, and I spent more time sick and helping him than myself. I was pretty sure I was dying I was so sick, haha. I've always focused on others more, but I've also learned, if you take care of yourself first, and make sure everything is good for you, it's easier to help others. When it comes right down to it, you need to be a pillar of strength. It is YOUR strength that is key here. If you want to help him, that is all you can do. I've tried so much before, and I can tell you...it always gets better. He does amazing. Aaaaaaaand then he throws it all away.
I keep telling myself, things can only get better. But I'm so sure that things are going to get much much much worse before it gets any better. If he really DOES want to change, I can give you some thoughts on ways to help him beat this. Things that I did with my boy, but really..he's just not ready yet, and so they failed. Like I said, feel free to PM me whenever, I'm here a lot haha =D

Abundance

When I read this immediately I started singing ... "no no no baby don't lie" ... it's a black eyed peas song. It's a song that is getting me through this.

YouTube - Black Eyed Peas - Don't Lie

Fergie is AMAZING... I am tapping into her strength ... whether it is actually her or her character - she just ooozes STRENGTH, WILL POWER, ENERGY.

28Days

Music is always amazing in these situations. I'm not normally a fan of this kinda music...but I find the song "Change" from Taylor Swift is amazingly helpful. It's kinda my song of hope..haha.

Limiya

Hey,
You stick to what you're doing. Watch from the sidelines. If he's serious he will work on his recovery without you because he wants to be clean for HIMSELF and no one else.
It's painful, my exabf is a coke addict too. A binger once or twice a week, and all our fights was about the drugs too.
We ended it a couple of weeks ago.
I don't expect him to change soon, and i have to work on having that expectation.

I know what it's like having a bf addicted to coke. IT's awful, the moods, the changes... i hope for both of you that he sticks with it.

~Limiya~

hello-kitty

Hi. And welcome to this site. I was in a relationship with a coke addict. I was one myself. I got pregnant. I got help for my problem. Now I am a single mom with a 4 year old. He did not. He's been in and out of jail for years now. He's destroyed his life. It's doubtful that he'll ever recover fully. Even though he's probably clean, he'll never be a whole person again. Anyway, it's a long drawn out story that spans nearly half a decade now.

What I have learned is to focus on the behavior, not the drugs. I draw boundaries about the kind of people and activities I am willing to accept in my life, knowing that if I am willing to put up with something, I am also condoning it. I have my values and I know that if I'm not willing to live by them, why should I expect anyone else to live by them. I focus on me and what I have control over. If I don't have control over it I work hard to let it go. Afterall, if I'm not willing to change, I have no right to expect anyone else to.

When an addict gets clean they do it for themselves, not for someone else. And being clean does not mean the same thing as being healed. It has to come from within.

Coke is a demon. Keep reading and posting here. I'm sure you will find much support.

darkwater

28 days thank you again for you reply. I will try and pm you soon!