Help me help myself
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: MO
Posts: 743
Help me help myself
I continue to get sucked into the manipulation, lies, and BS that STBXAH (no, it's STILL not signed off by the judge) has to dish out. He'll call, leave a message making me believe it's about one of the kids, and then when I call back he starts in. He then, turns it all around and says I'M the one pushing HIS buttons.
There are a muiltitude of things, like getting his name off the insurance, bank accounts, child info, etc that have to be worked out. He claims I stole some of his mail, including his Father's Day card from his mom. I believe it's probably held up in the post office since he put in for a change of address. So he is refusing to sign a reimbursement check that has both of our names on it for over $1000 on expenses that I had paid for. Manipulation and control.
I am sick, sick, sick. I want this over and right now it feels like it may never be, what with the kids and all. Any sage advice from those of you who have been there?
There are a muiltitude of things, like getting his name off the insurance, bank accounts, child info, etc that have to be worked out. He claims I stole some of his mail, including his Father's Day card from his mom. I believe it's probably held up in the post office since he put in for a change of address. So he is refusing to sign a reimbursement check that has both of our names on it for over $1000 on expenses that I had paid for. Manipulation and control.
I am sick, sick, sick. I want this over and right now it feels like it may never be, what with the kids and all. Any sage advice from those of you who have been there?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Why can you not hang up when he starts in?
I realize you have no way of knowing whether it's actually about the kids or not, but if you start hanging up on him when it's for an ulterior motive, you're not playing the game with him.
Can you not take care of things like the check he won't reimburse through your attorney?
I realize you have no way of knowing whether it's actually about the kids or not, but if you start hanging up on him when it's for an ulterior motive, you're not playing the game with him.
Can you not take care of things like the check he won't reimburse through your attorney?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Let your attorney handle money issues perhaps. But with phone calls, learn to end the conversation as soon as it strays where you don't want to go. He will learn. Eventually. You do not have to engage in the garbage conversations. Practice saying something along the lines of "if you have nothing about the kids to dicsuss this conversation is over" and hang up if he continues with anything other than what you have to communicate about.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Is it possible to communicate thru email instead of the phone? That way you could ignore the BS and still address the business. If not, then I would suggest ending the conversation whenever it goes 'out of bounds.' You get to decide what 'bounds' are, not him. You can do it in a nice way--the kids need me, someone's at the door, late for an appointment, whatever. Pretty soon he will figure out what the limits are.
As far as the check goes, he can't cash it either, right? Two names requires two signatures, so it's useless to either of you without both? If you can, I would just wait him out on that. When he learns that he doesn't have the power over you he thinks he does, he'll likely give in. That was my experience anyway. The more my XH knew I wanted something, the less likely he was to cooperate. If I simply acted like it didn't matter, he stopped digging his heels in.
I really feel for you because I know how frustrating it is. The good news is that you are going through the hardest part. Once it is legally over, his power is gone. He probably realizes that, so is making his last stand.
Bubble bath? Pedicure? Funny movie?
Hang in there. It will be over soon.
L
As far as the check goes, he can't cash it either, right? Two names requires two signatures, so it's useless to either of you without both? If you can, I would just wait him out on that. When he learns that he doesn't have the power over you he thinks he does, he'll likely give in. That was my experience anyway. The more my XH knew I wanted something, the less likely he was to cooperate. If I simply acted like it didn't matter, he stopped digging his heels in.
I really feel for you because I know how frustrating it is. The good news is that you are going through the hardest part. Once it is legally over, his power is gone. He probably realizes that, so is making his last stand.
Bubble bath? Pedicure? Funny movie?
Hang in there. It will be over soon.
L
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Blessed, it will be over soon. Trust that. There are a lot of small tasks that, one by one, will get done.
I'm with LTD that he knows the end of his reign is at hand, and he is thrashing. I have a coach who says, "the closer you are to the gate, the louder the lions roar."
You are almost there. Try to ignore the roaring as much as you can. I personally did all corresponding in email so I could had a paper trail for threats, harassment, etc. And when money came up, I turned it over to my attorney.
((( blessed )))
I'm with LTD that he knows the end of his reign is at hand, and he is thrashing. I have a coach who says, "the closer you are to the gate, the louder the lions roar."
You are almost there. Try to ignore the roaring as much as you can. I personally did all corresponding in email so I could had a paper trail for threats, harassment, etc. And when money came up, I turned it over to my attorney.
((( blessed )))
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I agree with the others. Cut off the conversation as soon as it strays from the basics. I did a lot of hanging up before my X got the point that I was serious. He figured it out within 24 hours. Thereafter, anytime he started to stray off into quacking I would say something like "If you'd like to continue to discuss the children we will, but if you want to talk about x,y,z then I am hanging up now"
Would your lawyer be able to put something in writing that he has until (pick a date) to sign the necessary forms to have his name removed from documents and accounts? I know it is a lot of leg work on your part to get the accounts and policies seperated. It feels like every time you finish the forms for one account, there are two more accounts to deal with. They multiply like rabbits. The good news is that this will be over soon!
You're making progress!
Take care of you. (((())))
Would your lawyer be able to put something in writing that he has until (pick a date) to sign the necessary forms to have his name removed from documents and accounts? I know it is a lot of leg work on your part to get the accounts and policies seperated. It feels like every time you finish the forms for one account, there are two more accounts to deal with. They multiply like rabbits. The good news is that this will be over soon!
You're making progress!
Take care of you. (((())))
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Oh hell yeah
I saw the title, saw it was by my lil buddy Blessed4X and came FLYIN in to "rescue" the damsel in distress from the foul knave all looking like Baby Huey or sumpin, like a big dumb dog like running into the glass shop wagging his tail knocking sh1t over....you know the type (Black Lab) singing the theme song from Mighty Mouse /sings "here I cooooome to saaaaave the daaaaaay"
The biggest "bats" on the baseball team all beat me here, all the SR superstars were like blam POW Supersolutionwoman on the scene /cape blows in the wind dramatically.
This is when I LOVE SR
Good job gi......ladies
:ghug
I saw the title, saw it was by my lil buddy Blessed4X and came FLYIN in to "rescue" the damsel in distress from the foul knave all looking like Baby Huey or sumpin, like a big dumb dog like running into the glass shop wagging his tail knocking sh1t over....you know the type (Black Lab) singing the theme song from Mighty Mouse /sings "here I cooooome to saaaaave the daaaaaay"
The biggest "bats" on the baseball team all beat me here, all the SR superstars were like blam POW Supersolutionwoman on the scene /cape blows in the wind dramatically.
This is when I LOVE SR
Good job gi......ladies
:ghug
Ago!Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Originally Posted by Ago 
....you know the type (Black Lab) singing the theme song from Mighty Mouse /sings "here I cooooome to saaaaave the daaaaaay"
Can't add anything to what has already been said, Blessed! We women are somehow culturally trained to be polite, answer questions, not hang up on people.....but we learn!!
Hugs, HG
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
My divorce wasn't even that acrimonious but I remember the agony of all the final details- it seemed to stretch on and on and I thought it would never end and I would never be free.
Hang in there blessed - deep breath - and I agree with LTD when I needed something to happen NOW my ex inevitably could smell it and would drag his heels and torture me...try to practice nonchalance....and then scream into the pillows!!!!!
(((((((hugs)))))))
b
Hang in there blessed - deep breath - and I agree with LTD when I needed something to happen NOW my ex inevitably could smell it and would drag his heels and torture me...try to practice nonchalance....and then scream into the pillows!!!!!
(((((((hugs)))))))
b
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: MO
Posts: 743
Thank you, thank you!!!! You all are the best. I know it's just getting through the "hard labor" before the birth of something new and soft and all sweet smelling.
He doesn't have a computer, won't text.....so I'll have to leave him in the dark ages and just hang up.
On a brighter note.....took the facebook quiz "What's wrong with you" and got the answer that "my extreme level of hotness makes other want to puke." Good for a laugh.
And again thanks for the encouragement that my life without an A will start looking better soon. I had a fleeting moment today of "to he!! with it, I'd rather go back". You reminded me that I've come too far for that.
...and Ago, you ARE my hero!
He doesn't have a computer, won't text.....so I'll have to leave him in the dark ages and just hang up.
On a brighter note.....took the facebook quiz "What's wrong with you" and got the answer that "my extreme level of hotness makes other want to puke." Good for a laugh.
And again thanks for the encouragement that my life without an A will start looking better soon. I had a fleeting moment today of "to he!! with it, I'd rather go back". You reminded me that I've come too far for that.
...and Ago, you ARE my hero!
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi blessed!!
Perhaps create a new email account (so you can read your usual one without the stress of knowing there may be an email of STBXAH)
(((((((note to self: ok I just noticed I have used "AH" as "Alcoholic" and it really means "Alcoholic Husand".. sorryyyy))))))))
Then ask STBXAH to communicate via emails to [email protected], THEN have the person in your life closest to LTD, GiveLove, Ago, etc. to check that email often (in exchange for some homemade pancakes or something) and tell you the only important things regarding children.
I think that would be the best way for you to be protected
Ok I have never been married, but now I know what to do if I get divorced thanks to SR!
Blessed, how do you take those frustrations out? exercise? journal? hitting the bed with a tennis racket? (that's what my mom did during her divorce)
:You_Rule_
Oops that's not it, its
PS Oh I just read your STBX lives in the Dark ages. But well perhaps the idea helps someone else in a simlar situation...
Perhaps create a new email account (so you can read your usual one without the stress of knowing there may be an email of STBXAH)
(((((((note to self: ok I just noticed I have used "AH" as "Alcoholic" and it really means "Alcoholic Husand".. sorryyyy))))))))
Then ask STBXAH to communicate via emails to [email protected], THEN have the person in your life closest to LTD, GiveLove, Ago, etc. to check that email often (in exchange for some homemade pancakes or something) and tell you the only important things regarding children.
I think that would be the best way for you to be protected
Ok I have never been married, but now I know what to do if I get divorced thanks to SR!
Blessed, how do you take those frustrations out? exercise? journal? hitting the bed with a tennis racket? (that's what my mom did during her divorce)
:You_Rule_
Oops that's not it, its
PS Oh I just read your STBX lives in the Dark ages. But well perhaps the idea helps someone else in a simlar situation...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: MO
Posts: 743
Originally Posted by TakingCharge999
(in exchange for some homemade pancakes or something)
I have come a long way in the cooking arena, but homemade pancakes? Ummm, maybe some Lucky Charms?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: MO
Posts: 743
Originally Posted by TakingCharge999
LOL
I don't know, I just imagined you like the flowery-apron- pancake type!!
I don't know, I just imagined you like the flowery-apron- pancake type!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 207
I can so feel your frustration!! The other replies said it all, but I just wanted to thank you for posting this today.......it helped me as well. I had to phone my XHB (not an A, but oddly an adult child of an A, with A personality) today. We've been divorced 5 years but the mortgage is still in both our names (deed is in only my name, but mortgage co won;t take his name off, and I can;t refinance right now).
I asked him to sign a paper pertaining to the mortgage.......it is in HIS best interest also.......but instead of him agreeing, I got a 1/2 hour long "quacking" session.....ugh.
I hung up thinking maybe I was the crazy one.......lol. I'm glad I am not alone here!
Best wishes with your divorce!!
I asked him to sign a paper pertaining to the mortgage.......it is in HIS best interest also.......but instead of him agreeing, I got a 1/2 hour long "quacking" session.....ugh.
I hung up thinking maybe I was the crazy one.......lol. I'm glad I am not alone here!
Best wishes with your divorce!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 633
My ex pullled the same crap, refused to cooperate with removng his name from bank accounts, insurance etc. This is not legal advice at all but this is what I did:
Right before I filed he threatened to take the car in both our names and trade it in. His big plan was to have all the cars in his name then I could not leave him supposedly, um yeah right (the problem with his plan was that the payments would also be in his name, duh, I could just go out and buy my own car then he would have two cars and payments!)
I had a feeling that he was planning to do this on his next day off so I found a car for myself from work on the GM site, called the dealership, leased a new car and took the other one in on the way home. Problem one solved (yes he freaked out haha).
Called the bank and found out that I could not remove his or my name without both our signatures but I could close the account and empty it (yeah that makes lots of sense
) so I cancelled the overdraft protection, told the STBX that he had ONE WEEK to go sign the papers at the bank to let me remove my name (since he refused to stop using the account) or I would close the account and hold the check with both our names on it hostage(yes it was legal since we were still married and my name was on the account).
That got his attention and he complied (finally after months of begging). Problem 2 solved.
Then I called the wonderful ins company who kept refusing to take his name off the car policy despite the fact that he no longer lived in my home (they kept callling asking for his permission and he kept lying and saying that we were not getting divorced). I told them that our divorce was final and if they did not remove him from all my policies TODAY I would cancel them and find another ins company. That got their attention, problem 3 solved.
I also had a reimbursement check issue, after asking him a few times, I just said to hell with it and forged his name and cashed the check (we were still legally married). He never even asked about it again.
Right before I filed he threatened to take the car in both our names and trade it in. His big plan was to have all the cars in his name then I could not leave him supposedly, um yeah right (the problem with his plan was that the payments would also be in his name, duh, I could just go out and buy my own car then he would have two cars and payments!)
I had a feeling that he was planning to do this on his next day off so I found a car for myself from work on the GM site, called the dealership, leased a new car and took the other one in on the way home. Problem one solved (yes he freaked out haha).
Called the bank and found out that I could not remove his or my name without both our signatures but I could close the account and empty it (yeah that makes lots of sense
) so I cancelled the overdraft protection, told the STBX that he had ONE WEEK to go sign the papers at the bank to let me remove my name (since he refused to stop using the account) or I would close the account and hold the check with both our names on it hostage(yes it was legal since we were still married and my name was on the account).That got his attention and he complied (finally after months of begging). Problem 2 solved.
Then I called the wonderful ins company who kept refusing to take his name off the car policy despite the fact that he no longer lived in my home (they kept callling asking for his permission and he kept lying and saying that we were not getting divorced). I told them that our divorce was final and if they did not remove him from all my policies TODAY I would cancel them and find another ins company. That got their attention, problem 3 solved.
I also had a reimbursement check issue, after asking him a few times, I just said to hell with it and forged his name and cashed the check (we were still legally married). He never even asked about it again.
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