jessieandme2003

Ok, my AH is sober 25 days at the end of today. That's a long time I know, one ay at a time, and I am very proud. He is doing remarkably well and is as committed as ever. He has faith in his dedication to recovery and deserves to feel great about it. I tell him I am happy for him and proud of him regularly. he is a new man.

Everyone we know is proud of him. Everyone we know is happy for him. He is now on a crusade to get his family back, and is not quiet about it.

[That would be me and my daughter (his stepdaughter).]

It is like I'm living in some kind of movie on the LifeTime Channel for Women. I swear I hear people yell "Go Get Her, Man" whenever he drives toward my house. Everyone we know is looking at me like they are waiting for the Luke and Laura Wedding of an ending (soap opera analogy). I am expecting every convenience store clerk I encounter to ask me if I've taken him back yet. Banners on the highway are no doubt next: "Hey, have you heard? He loves ya!"

Roses, surprises, landscaping chores done at my house when I am not there. A wonderful person to be with, interesting and generous (Did I just say generous?). A date to a movie, dinner, lego-building with my daughter. He's doing it all just right.

So then there is me. I hate to say it but I hope you all will understand... we are talking about just, well, you know, 3 and a half weeks. Ok, and a month before that of cutting down to prepare for sobriety (30+ beers a day habit). Lots of phone calls during that period to get back to the point of talking.

I am giving myself the gift of time, like Al Anon advises. But it isn't much fun playing the role of bitch in this very public-seeming fairy tale, I must say. I could use some hugs.

Oh, and ok, I am kinda falling for him secretly. After all, he is the guy I loved and married, only 200 times better. I just don't have the feeling of security that I need. I am thinking that only comes with time, as trust is rebuilt. Right?

His mother wants to know why I won't let him move back in. {sigh}

kitkat

jessie,
I am no expert as I am just beginning the process, but I would have to say that yes, it will take time to rebuild that trust. And you're right - it is just 3 1/2 weeks. We all know it could come crashing down at anytime (not that it will!) and you are just protecting yourself in case that happens.

I think it's wonderful that you are falling for him again. I am sure he sees his progress with you and will continue, but you have gone thru such a long period of ups and downs that it's no big surprise you're not jumping thru hoops at this point.

Just hang tough, let your feeling happen when they happen and don't worry too much about what everyone else is thinking.

You have people here who understand and care!

Lots of hugs!!
Kitkat

EyesOpen

Hi J&M:

The facts are:

1. His turn around wouldn't have happened if you had not put your foot down as to what is exceptable behavior.

2. The beer (alcohol) has probably done some permanent damage to his liver & brain, making him permanently susceptible to falling into the addiction cycle. Only God knows whether this will happen. You, and the good townspeople don't.

3. Feeling pressured to do something you don't want to do is codependent stuff. Those of us on this board are all trying to stop doing that. Whether it's being pressured by a drunk to put up with his crap, or being pressured by a sweet old Auntie to make life changes we are not comfortable with, manipulation is manipulation.

P.S. Glad to hear he is doing well.... and that he is treating you well. Hopefully it will become the new 'norm' and not just a special treat!

jessieandme2003

Thanks for the hugs, kitkat. I appreciate your response. I needed the feedback from someone who would understand. I am glad you are beginning this journey, as it has been an amazing gift for me. We all take different things from it, but the fact seems constant that everyone takes what they need and feels blessed for having found this group.

EyesOpen, your subject line made me laugh out loud. I truly do not do that very often, something has to hit me just right. Your subject line did it. Thank you. God bless your wit.

I did not realize the pressure I was feeling and the stress was all just my good old codie ways coming forward again, trying to please everyone but myself. Thanks for pointing that out. i think that one litle bit of perspective is what will stay in my mind and help keep me firm.

And one thing you mentioned is very fascinating to me. You mentioned he is on this path beause I set my boundaries. That is exactly right. Yet, when I did it, I had finally learned that we can't really change them. I had finally accepted that hard truth and had chosen to start a separate life. I in no way wanted anything to do with him, as I was absolutely certain he would never even come out of denial yet alone step into sobriety. I have helped him want to change, but only when it wasn't my intention anymore. After years of it being my one wish. Isn't that ironic?

Man I love this forum.

I sure hope one of my posts makes a difference to someone the way so many have for me. This forum has become such an important part of my life, and I am sure no one in my life would understand that except the rest of you here.

24X7

Give time time (a slogan). And, be kind to yourself with the tools fo your program.

Early recovery can sometimes have a 'pink cloud' period for either or both the alcoholic or us, the partner. Things take time. All things come to pass - both god & bad. 'This too shall pass' (a slogan). All problems do not go away with sobriety.

In my experience, nothing gets all better overnight - it took a while to get bad & it usually takes a while to improve. Please don't put yourself down. You are doing the best you can ODAAT and no one else is in your shoes. Should they push or judge you just remeber that and try, as best you can, to detatch with love.

Best to you.

Gabe

All those people who are pushing you to a premature reconciliation, weren't around when he was in the depths of his drinking. They didn't deal with all of the problems that you and your children did. You take all the time you need to make this very important decision. Remeber that there are no guarantees when it comes to an alcoholic. Every day is a 50/50 proposition. You will know what the right decision is and when is the right time to make it. And a big MYOB to all those people who are speculating about your personal life.
(Gabe sticks out her tongue and blows a raspberry)
Peace,
Gabe

LongStrangeTrip

God Bless you and bless him for at least making the attempt and hopefully saving his life.
I will pray for you both, for your individual goals and that you both find the happiness in life that you deserve, one day at a time.

sdp

25 days is pretty good, but,cynical me, thinks there may be a fall in the future.

Hopefully, that is NOT what happens, but the letdown would be huge. And, if you let him back in, would you have to kick him out again?? The most my A ever lasted was 5 days.

Anyway, wait until YOU feel comfortable with letting him back in.

EyesOpen

Yep, it sure is contrary to our natural reaction, but "letting go" does work better than trying to control.

Good work. Give yourself a hug and one for your daughter too!

constant

My husband decided to do 30 days last May, he did. Then he decided that he could have a couple of beers every now and then, he did. He did have a lunch meeting and had too many several weeks ago.....he admitted it, said it made him feel bad for two days.....that was over. BUT NOW, he is having those same couple of beers more regular.....5 out of 6 days this week!

My point is he was very euphoric in the beginning, feeling good. Our communication went up 200% and about mid July I told him that I was happier now than I had ever been in our marriage. He loved it, but I see him slipping into old habits......it is hard to watch. Somehow he believes that he can control his drinking, the euphoria is over.

So by all means, it is wonderful that he has 25 under his belt, but ya'll have the rest of your lives to be together. I would encourage you to give it plenty of time. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks......they don't have to live it, YOU DO!

Blessings,
Constant

jessieandme2003

I am so glad to hear these words of experience. In my gut I believed I needed more time. Time to see if this is temporary or a life change attempt for him. I have been through lame attempts with him before, and always - ALWAYS - he would believe he could control it and have a few and slip back into the mess. None of those were his idea anyway, he felt pressured to try after some big screw up people had to help him out of.
This time he was alone, and relaized it, and decided to get control of his life and fight for a life back. So far this time he is not thinking or saying that crap about him not really having a problem or him being able to handle it. This is what I was waiting for, the true success of step 1. He has admitted he is powerless and his life was out of control due to drinking.
Now I just want to see it sustain over some time. I don't know how long. I just believe I will know... when I know. Thats about the best I can say.
And, of course, even then I will know that we never really know anything. The slip can come after a year, after 10 years. But I think I can stand by him at that point, even if he slips, because I will have all the wonderful things Al Anon brings to my mental toolbox. I will be able to work my program not to crumble in codependence and think it means he stopped loving me or I did something wrong.
It is the holiday weekend and I've invited him to stay with us. I am actually looking forward to it. Hope you all have nice holiday weekends too.