FSquared

do we codependents end up feeling so unlovable? Hating ourselves so much?

And what do we do about it? I'm really struggling with realizing this.

It is not rational. And I realize this when I think about it. But it is how I feel. It doesn't make any sense. How do I make and break that connection?

LaTeeDa

For me, I didn't end up that way. I started out that way. It took being married to an alcoholic to realize that. It also took several months of therapy to begin to untangle it and move beyond.

L

Barbara52

For me it comes to a large degree from being raised in an alcoholic household and all the dysfunctional behaviors and thinking I learned there. Its taken me til now, my mid 50s, to actually deal with all that garbage that I can now see led me to a number of bad choices including my marriage to a man I knew going in was an alcoholic. I'll be working on my issues for some time to come.

This is one reason why I truly hate reading about so many in here with young kids and the poster is living with the active alcholic. Your kids will be dealing with what they are learning the rest of their lives. I started picking up the bad learnings very young, from before the age of 5.

As to how I am breaking all the unwanted learnings I have, therapy, reading and posting in here has led me to where I am now. It takes time and hard work. But I have learned to love myself again to a large extent. I still have a way to go but I now have the tools and the strength to go where I have to go to root out my own issues.

Learning how

I always remember feeling like I was not “good” enough.
Not smart, not pretty, not tall, not thin, not athletic…. You name it. It’s always been there, that feeling of being not worthy. I think it’s what allowed me to put up with unacceptable behaviors as a teen and an adult.

It’s been a huge struggle for me too. The sad part for me is that when I am told I am over reacting, or I am the problem because I am “over sensitive” or I am the “mean” person, I tend to believe it. I don’t trust myself very much. I think in my case it came from growing up in an alcoholic home.
Being told the unacceptable was just fine and what is wrong with you?
( does that make sense?)
I think for me I am working on learning to trust myself and listen to that tinny voice in my head that says “hey I don’t like that and It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks”
I hope the voice gets stronger with use like a muscle.

JenT1968

I too, felt this way for as long as I can remember (in waves: I don't always walk around crippled by this knowledge, but it is always there not very deep under the surface).

I have known that I felt this way since being a child and I have had bouts of depression (that I can remember) since I was about 9.

My imediate family isn't alcoholic (although my mother has a sister who is, a cousin who was until he died young of alcohol-related issues a nephew who is a gambling addict and one whose girlfriend has just asked him to leave because of his drinking........).

I fundamentally believe that I am wrongly put together (I was going to say "broken", but it isn't that, I don't believe that I was fine and then outside forces damaged me, I believe that I was never ok to begin with), I pick people to have relationships with whose actions and behaviour (due to their own unhelpful core beliefs and insecurities)towards me I interpret to back up my belief.

haven't a clue how to change it though! guess that's what I pay a therapist to help me find out (I'll let you know when I do!)

bookwyrm

Wow. Big question with many possible answers and a lot of the posts here cover it in one way or another. I don't have a 'cure' but I can share how I'm coping with this.

Of course I feel unlovable. If I don't love me how can I expect anyone else to? My relationship with STBXAH 'covered' this up for 18 years and I wonder how much he loved me and how much he really just needed someone to be there for him. Now he's gone it's like a freshly opened wound. I wasn't loved enough for him to quit.

Knowing now about the three Cs has helped me intellectually deal with this but my emotions are just a little on the slow side... It didn't help that my STBXAH was a control freak who undermined my confidence and self esteem on a daily basis to keep me controlled. Thing is, I let him! I became responsible for things I had absolutely no control over and when something went wrong it wasn't that I had made a mistake or even that it had nothing to do with me in the first place - it was that I was a mistake. I've taken on that blame and responsibility for so many years that I know it will take me a lot of time to break that habit.

I need to start loving myself. This is a big work in progress for me. I'm my own worst enemy. I'm constantly harsh with myself - my inner voice is my biggest critic. This is where having a counsellor has been invaluable to me.
One of the hardest things my counsellor has me doing is being aware of that inner voice and how out of touch with reality it really is. Its such a hard habit to break! I can also trace this feeling of being a mistake back to my childhood, something else I'm exploring with my counsellor. Its very painful and a lot of work but I'm starting to like myself a little. Hey, its a start! Sometimes though it isn't just what I say to myself its the feelings I have about myself when I make a mistake that I have to be conscious of. Just being aware of how I think about myself and trying to make small changes on a day to day basis has made a big difference. I have a long way to go yet though (really struggling with the 'I should's). Progress not perfection - but sometimes I'm just so impatient!!

ItsmeAlice

I didn't come from an alcoholic family, but the emotional abuse was certainly there. Mostly a large dose of invalidation and negative reinforcement.

I fought the feelings of being inferior and less than I was for my entire childhood determined to show them I would be all they said I couldn't. I wonder sometimes if I got into a relationship with an alcoholic who needed an enabler so I could be needed and thought of as capable because I saw him as incapable.

I suspect this only made me think that my parents were right all along, and like you've been thinking, I'm just unlovable and not worthy of a happy life.

So, how have I begun turning that around and changing my stinkin' thinkin'??

By giving myself the exact opposite of what I have been given all these years...Validation and positive reinforcement every day, rinse, and repeat.

Every accomplishment, every small branch out in the right direction, every good day needs a positive thought, reward, etc. For a while, I would write a word or picture of a positive attribute about myself in magic marker on my skin under my clothes. Noone saw them, but I knew they were there. They would wash off in the shower, and I would reapply new ones the next day.

I also push myself at random times to make lists (1 to 5) of positive things about me or positive things I do for myself or others. In times of self-doubt, I stop and make a list. It redirects my thoughts in a positive way.

It's work and lots of it. It took years of effort on my parents' part and years of dodging and deflecting blame by my ABF to create and reinforce my lower-than-low self image, I cannot expect this to change over night.

I do feel progress though. When someone I encounter during the day looks down at me or dismisses me in some way, I find myself leaving the encounter with a feeling of irritation rather than the self loathing feelings I used to have. Now I'm just annoyed by their short sightedness and their attempt to project their own insecurities on me.

I wish you the best in working through these feelings.

Alice

Wascally Wabbit

It's because my mom didn't love me. Because she showed me how "stupid and unlovable, clumsy an akward" I was.

I am so glad I finally grew up to be an adult. I am quite capable, I am quite lovable and no one will ever ever ever make me feel like she did, ever again.

My mom has been sober for 30 years. But, she is still critical and demanding, complaining etc. I choose to ignore her. I can see that it is her that is miserable with herself, and always has been. She projected that self hatred onto me as a child.

The fight for my sanity was a long journey. One day I woke up, had an AHA! moment, and realized that just because we are programmed to believe one thing, we CAN be deprogrammed. Alanon helped me deprogram.

anubus

I think Learning How said it best for me. I was raised in a non-alcoholic household as a child, but was always "told" or at least made to feel that I wasn't good enough, or lovable, or whatever. My mom was very old school, and was married at 16 and had 10 kids, one right after the other.......so she would constantly throw it up to me that I was an "old maid" becuase I wasn't married at age 16..........lol.

A counseler once told me that I am like a sponge when it comes to people cutting me down.......I soak bad comments up and hold them forever. Yet, if somebody gave me a compliment, I brushed it off as nothing......"They were just being nice, it wasn't really true", etc.

I'm so glad you posted this, it helped me THINK.

MissFixit

My former therapist said to me that I shouldn't use my childhood as a benchmark for how to feel about myself, accept that same type of behavior from others as an adult or think that what I experienced as a child is okay as an adult. My parents are not A's, but each one suffers from demons that he/she battled long before I was born. My self esteem was tied to their validation which never really showed. As I said they have their own issues and just recently have I learned that they still struggle with things that have NO bearing to me. I was however the target for their unhappiness.

Tally

I think mine stems from having low self esteem due to weight issues, that and living with an alcoholic for 5 years, really does a number on you.

FSquared

These issues were part of "homework" for my therapist appointment yesterday. We discussed these and others.

Today my skin is crawling and my anxiety level is high...but I can't say why specifically. Its just a general feeling. It doesn't make sense to me.

TakingCharge999

Hi Fsquared,

I know what you mean, I never had anxiety issues before alcoholism touched my life. Even when I "progress" I still wake up anxious, get anxious of running into ex, etc. etc.

I have tried some alternative therapies that have helped me a great deal with this. In fact I feel more relaxed and easy. Perhaps you can try one? (reiki, bach flowers)

Yoga has helped me a great deal too... many times I have nightmares, and the time dedicated to yoga is the only time I truly rest from the chatter in my mind, work stress, anxiety, etc etc. satisfaction guaranteed, perhaps take a class or two and see how you feel afterwards?

You do not know until you try