Greenfeet

I was here on SR a few years ago, but I continued to drink. I've had lengthy periods of being dry, but being honest with myself I've never really been sober because I didn't "work" a program.

I have to stop drinking. I hate myself so much I can't begin to describe it to you all. I'm not suicidal, but I frequently wish I would get run over by a bus or struck by lightning and it would end. My wife deserves better than me.

I frequently ask God for the courage to change, but I don't do the footwork necessary to get sober.

Today I'm going to do my best to change this. I am going to start going to AA meetings again. Tonight at the meeting I will ask someone to be a temporary sponsor. I have dumped all my booze down the drain. I will ask God for strength and courage.

What else should I do? Any help gratefully accepted. I'm desperate.

Thank you.

1_day@_a_time

can you, WILL you, ADMIT complete defeat???

Greenfeet

Yes. I have known for a very long time that I am powerless over alcohol.

I don't mean to sound stupid, but is that the same as admitting defeat?

Anna

Hi Greenfeet

You don't need to describe how much you hate yourself, because I have been there and felt the same way.

Know that you can change. What worked for me in the early days was to change my routines, my daily patterns. It seemed to somehow help to break the obsessive-compulsive thoughts about alcohol. It really helped me. And, I forced myself to be doing something different at the times that I would have been drinking.

Hang in there, things will get better.

keithj

Do you know what is required for recovery? After determining if you lack the power to control your drinking, you then need to know how to recover. A good sponsor can help you find what has worked for many other recovered alcoholics.

Greenfeet

51anna, thank you for letting me know I'm not the only one.

keithj, I will get a sponsor (at least a temp one) if someone at my meeting tonight will take me on. I do not know what is required for recovery, but I want to learn.

Thank you.

1_day@_a_time

that's a great question, being powerless over alcohol is surely part of the process.

admitting COMPLETE defeat requires looking at all aspects of your life & realizing nothing you have been doing works.

through complete defeat we are then able to take the first steps towards liberation and strength.

after admitting complete defeat, the next phase is acceptance.

tanyapmc

Hi Green. I have been where you are. It is awful at the time but for me it was exactly where I needed to be to finally get sober. Get a sponsor, call them EVERY day. Go to a meeting EVERYDAY. Read the big book. Pray even if you don't believe. Hang out with sober people and don't drink. That is what I did and it's been over 2 years for me. If I can do it you can too. Let me know if I can help. We are all in this together.

Pancake

Dear Greenfeet,

Yes!! It CAN be done. Trust in God and remember "One Day at a time". Just focus on how proud you will be this evening at the AA Meeting. By the next meeting, you will or could receive your 24 Hour Sober Chip! A tangible piece of evidence that YOU are CAPABLE and willing to be sober. Willingness is key in sobriety and helps you along the way more than you may know.

I wish you all the very best in your new Journey. Make it one for the rest of your life and you will not look back. Stick with the fine folk of SR along the way as well as the fellowship of AA. You will be so glad you did and for all the wonder of life that you will receive along the way.

Love Pancake xo ((((((hugs))))))

KenL

I agree with Anna. I might also suggest to you, assuming that you don't already do this, start a regular exercise program. I did and it helps in so many ways to focus your attention on something positive and beneficial to your health. Good luck to you.

1_day@_a_time

start a regular exercise program

YES!!!!!!!!!

hendershot

Thanks. Sounds like you know what didn't work for you in the past and what you need to do now. The ball is in your court and it is up to you to do what you need to. Keep asking God for the strength and the courage but you will only feel what He has done for you once you take affirmative action. You can't think yourself into right action but you can act yourself into right thinking. "Footwork" necessary.

Greenfeet

1 day @ a time, yes nothing in my life is working. I have admitted total defeat. I am a lousy husband because I'm always drunk. I have no career. I've begun to avoid being around people because I think they are judging me. Nothing is working.

tanyapmc, thank you. I will do that, everything you have said.

I will start exercising every day also.

Thank you all so much. For the first time in a very long time I don't feel so alone.

1_day@_a_time

I am a lousy husband

"IN THE PAST: I have been a lousy husband"

Saying you are a lousy husband cements it in and does not allow for change.

Go stand in front of a mirror and say it outloud 10 times.

You might even find a very slight smile on your face as you near the tenth time......

Have Hope

joedris

What else can you do? Nothing right now. Go to the meeting, ask for a temp sponsor, and pay attention. If you want to quit more than you want to drink, then you'll make it. I went through a period similar to what you're going through now, and I finally decided to return to AA. That decision saved my life. Get serious, go to a lot of meetings, and listen. Thousands of us have been successful in getting sober through AA, and you can join the crowd. How about letting us know how it's going? And I wish you the best of luck.

Chamabama

Maybe don't actually exercise the first few days of not drinking. Maybe a nice slow walk? Have you talked to a doc regarding withdrawals?

Welcome Back!

Greenfeet

1 day at a time, done. I felt weird standing in front of a m irror talking to myself, but I did it. I also added, "I will be a better husband starting today".

Chamabama, I have not spoken to a doctor. My withdrawl symptoms in the past have been a few days of troubled sleep, irritability, but no DT's or anything like that.

Thank you all again so very much.

1_day@_a_time

EXCELLENT! the willingness to be willing

to change

to grow

to recover

to have others look at us & SEE the miracle!!

littlefish

We have all been where you are at: the self-hatred, the feeling of worthlessness. But, if you re-read your first post here, you have given yourself all the answers. You said you didn't work any program, so it didn't work.

You can do this!
Like they say at one of my meetings: it works if you work it...so work it!
Welcome back, BTW!

keithj

Yes. The shame and guilt and resentment stays with me as long as I am still a lousy husband. As I take the steps and recover, I am no longer doing the things that made me a lousy husband. I have repaired the damage as best I can, and I am no longer that person.