meanders

I finally registered as the last few days have really packed a wallop. I'm feeling so isolated and sad. These feelings are familiar, but so difficult to experience.

I'm a 28 year old mom with a two year old. I would say that I've reached the final stages of alcoholism. At the end of December, my dad drove half way across the country to put me in a treatment center. I had to spend a week in the ICU of the hospital first. I had a .49 BAL. Extreme tolerance. That is why I think I'm at the end and any drunk could be my last.

By the end of January I was back home with my daughter and sober. Went to meetings, got a sponsor. After about 4 months sober I started just staying home a lot and generally avoiding everything. By the end of May I relapsed. I spent 5-6 days drinking then went to the hospital for detox, then they put me on a psych floor for 4 days.

Now I don't even have a month and things are kind of falling apart. My SO came home last week after drinking when I made an absolute rule this wasn't allowed. He made me feel like he doesn't care if I live or die. That I don't matter. The day after this incident was the first day I had a craving since leaving the hospital. I am so angry about this whole situation. I feel disrespected and like I have the crappiest boundaries ever. It's a terrible, lonely feeling. He refuses to see my point of view and actually made a remark about how he "pays the rent." I guess that means he feels entitled to drink here.

My dad started drinking again and is basically incoherent. He has high blood pressure and could have a stroke at any minute. He did a home detox the last few days with Ativan but is drinking today. And crying into the phone from 600 miles away. I can't even tell you how this makes me feel. He was supposed to send me some money to visit him and my ailing great grandmother in July. My grandma has been waiting for months for me to come and now it looks like i won't be able to.

My house is a complete wreck so I called my mother to see if she could babysit so I could take about 9 loads of clothes to the laundromat. She said no and that she was able to do laundry with two kids. Well, yeah. The older one (me) would watch the younger one (my sister)!!!

They put me on Wellbutrin and Neurontin in the hospital and now I can't find a psychiatrist to follow up with due to the type of insurance I have (Medicaid). I don't even know that I need to be on these drugs, as they were prescribed to me based on my symptoms while drinking. Either way, I'm about to run out and don't have a doctor to talk to. I'm angry that they discharged me from the hospital without adequate follow-up. I guess they like to see people come through the psych ward like a merry go round.

Of course, there are also the money problems everyone is having now. I have phone, car insurance, registration renewal, etc. due and no way to pay it. It makes me feel like my hair is falling out from stress.

Whew. That's a lot but that is what is going on. I do go to AA, but I find it hard to really connect with anyone and I hate to constantly complain about my problems but right now it's pretty bad.

I just want to get better and not lose what I gained in the (almost) five months I was sober. I keep telling myself that a drink would make my bad problems worse.

If you made it this far, thank you for reading!

Mary52

First of all, you need to take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else (your 2 yr old). And you can't be there for her, for your dad, or your grandma if you're drunk. Start with today. Worry about July when July gets here. By then you can have a week and a half sober and keep going from there. Go to lots of meetings, get a sponsor, a home group, and let people know what is going on with you.

Welcome to SR and I hope you keep posting.

Dee74

That's a lot to deal with, meanders.

I'm Australian, so I'm not sure what to advise with the meds issue - I'm sure others more knowledgeable than I am will be along soon.

The money stuff - as you say, it's everywhere these days. I phone my creditors straight way when I'm low on funds and work out a payment plan.

But Marys absolutely right - you owe it to yourself and your daughter to look after yourself first and foremost.

Even if you're not getting the support you want at home, SR is a great place for support - I'm glad you de-lurked

Welcome !
D

firestorm090

Hi meanders,

Welcome to SR. Overwhelming, isn't it? Well, sure it is. It's hard to get on track when our support connections are drinking or drunk, crying from 600 miles away. Or living with someone, who by paying the rent, feels entitled to have his drink whenever he wants. Sounds like you feel unloved, disrespected,and unlovable, well that's pretty common when alcohol is involved, either by us or others. Money problems are another difficult part of this disease, there seems to never be enough to go around. Bills go unpaid, creditors call relentlessly, insurance lapses, so do car registrations, the list goes on and on. Then we need to toss in the personal discomfort of not having any booze in our systems, the withdrawals that persist long after our last drink, the emotional baggage we've stacked up in the corner and tried to hide under a blanket or by closing the door to that dirty little secret we hope no one knows about. We try to keep it quiet, figure it all out, and often, more times than not, just give in to the fact that our lives are a mess and we don't know what to do.

I found a little key today that is allowing me a bit of comfort tonight, and that is the key of acceptance, for from the point of acceptance of my unmanagability, I can begin to walk a new path. Acceptance doesn't mean I like it, it means it is what it is and I need to seek help on changing what is. For a few minutes today, I had to put my feelings aside and look at my alcoholism as if it were a broken part of a broken down car. If my car is broke, I take it to a mechanic, and if he fixes it, then it's up to me to make sure it gets plenty of oil, fuel, maintenance and washings to keep it clean and running well. Well, my life is kinda like that car, it's broken and needs a lot of repair, and it's time to start with the worst problem first, which to me is my alcoholism. I hope you can relate, because your problems are only really as big as the ones you can change, you can't change your dad, SO, or anyone else, but you can change you, so that's where to begin. Coming on here and being honest about your situation is a huge first step!!! Now, please consider that all is not lost, in fact this can be a new beginning for you. I'm trying this as well, and I'm kinda slow, so it's taking an enormous amount of time and effort, but the end result is that I feel better today than I did yesterday, and so it goes.

Keep posting, get all those problems out in the wind and let life provide the answers you seek today. Life will respond. We may not know how, but life will respond, and if we're honestly seeking to do our best, life will respond in kind. Hang in there.

Bamboozle

Hello, meanders. Welcome to SR.


About the medicine issue...if you can't get a psychiatrist to handle your meds, why not get a physician?

I don't have insurance and I go to therapy for my depression/anxiety and see a doctor (not a psychiatrist) for my meds. I am paying out of pocket for the therapist and am receiving charity care from my doctor.

There are certain therapists (and perhaps psychiatrists...I don't know) who will take on clients on a sliding scale basis.

Some hospitals, like the one I go to, offer charity or discounts for those who cannot afford to pay much.

I would think that with Medicaid you should be able to at least get a regular physician.

Please make some phone calls and ask about sliding scales, discounts and charities, and if those places say "no", then ask them where to look for help. They probably know.

Welcome again...and I hope you can get this worked out. Hang in there.

NewBeginning010

You have already received some great advice & support above so I would just like to welcome you.

So happy for you that you have signed up & are going to be working on your recovery with us, stay close & keep on posting :ghug2

CarolD

I'm sorry you are having these difficulties ...

Have you considered a sober living house for you and your child?
Please call your local womans crisis center for infomation.

Welcome to SR....

SillyBilly

Thank you for sharing with us meanders, we are always here with an ear whenever you need

Keep posting whenever you feel the need, anytime, for anything. Venting has already helped me so much, and I know it will help when things start getting harder for me.

Welcome aboard by the way :ghug3

Mark75

Hi meanders

I hope things get easier for you soon... I know it must be impossibly hard right now. A couple of thoughts...

I really don't think that a detox or hospital can just discharge you and say "good luck finding follow up!". That's not ethical... call them up and be a righteous squeaky wheel... like "how can you start me on these meds and put me out with no one to follow me up???" Really.

You have a sponsor and 5 months in AA... Perhaps someone can help you with getting back on your feet, chore wise... is there someone there you trust to help you watch the kids?

Good for you to reach out here, now reach out ... out there... Get some distance between you and the drink and this last set back... things will clear up... one day at a time... oh, and remember to lean hard on your higher power, He will give you strength and power you didn't think you had.

Mark

bstt03

Welcome Meanders. I hear you, when your life feels like its fallling apart its so easy to think that having a drink will make things better. But by posting here and reaching out I think you know that it will not. While you cannot control others actions around you, you can control your reaction to them. Stay strong. Its a shame that your SO is acting this way, maybe its his own guilt over drinking, because it sounds like maybe he has a problem as well. Come here often and reach out as much as you need to. Just don't pick up a drink. Oh and that laundry situation - can you find someone to watch your children that you trust, even if your mother will not? Someone from your AA group? I am sure even with nine loads if you go to the laundrymat and hit up one of those big machines you can get done pretty quick. Laundry does stink though doesn't it???
I wish you all the best. Hope to see you posting more often.

Anna

Hi Meanders,

Stay focused on your sobriety and you can get through this. It's easy to feel overwhelmed when you are struggling with addiction. Try to do one thing a day that can make you feel better about yourself. For example, take your child with you to the laudromat and read to her or go for a walk while you're doing laundry.

Many people have partners who drink at home. While that's not ideal, it's reality and you can handle it, if you focus on you.

tyler

Just wanted to say welcome. I think you have already gotten lots of good advice to chew on. Instead of looking at everything as one big overwhelming mess, try to break it down into parts and work on each one. It gives you a sense of acomplishment when you can atleast come to a solution on one or two of your "issues". Like they say, "you didn't get into this mess in a day, week, or month, so it's damn sure gonna take at least that long to get out of it." This is a great place for support, or to just vent. Hope you stick and stay. Take care.

Wolfchild

Welcome to the SR community!!

i hope that you stay true to yourself
& to improving the quality of your life.

Thank you for sharing about what you are going thru
and i hope that you continue to post your progress!

1_day@_a_time

First to admit, then accept my life is unmanagable, SOBER, is a key principle in my life.

I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and my attitudes.

That includes my thought life, sober.

keithj

Meanders,

Welcome to this site, and welcome to perhaps a new start in recovery. Your post was painful to read. Any medical professional will tell you that if you weren't dead with a .49 BAL, you soon will be unless your drinking stops. It's just the facts, and you already know them.

So why would you possibly drink again? Look at your own experience. You were in the ICU, nearly died from drinking. A few months later, you drank again and had to detox, landing in the psych ward. Why would you ever drink again?

If you're like me, the answer is simple. I'm an alcoholic and I lacked the power to stop drinking, regardless of the consequences. I required spiritual help to recover and be free of the drink problem. This is the case with most alcoholics.

It's obvious to me that you did not take the 12 steps and have a spiritual awakening. I found those steps were required in order to recover. Actually, it's obvious that you have never taken Step 1. You might get offended at how dare I judge you and suggest you didn't work the program. It's OK. I'd rather offend you and help you recover than placate you and watch you die. I usually don't like throwing around the "if you keep drinking, you're going to die" line, but in your case it's very true.

You haven't taken Step 1 because you don't yet recognize what your problem is. You can't seek a solution until you surrender and know what the problem truly is. The problem is not:

None of those things are your problem, although they may seem like it. Those are the things that are blocking you from seeing your problem and getting in the way of a solution to your problem. The path to recovery will be so much clearer when you see that you have one problem only.

Find a recovered alcoholic who has been where you are and speaks of a spiritual solution. Sit down and discuss your one problem as described in AA's Big Book. You have absolutely nothing to lose at this point.

joedris

A BAL of .49 is indeed impressive. I've seen higher, but not very often. The first thing you need to do is get the medication problem fixed. You've been given some good advice here, so I won't add anything. From then on, you need to say screw the world, I'm looking out for #1. And keep going to AA. If you're having trouble connecting with anyone, then try a different meeting. Perhaps a Woman's Meeting would help. You really need a lot of support and you're not going to get it from anyone close to you. That's the beauty of AA. If you ask for support, you'll get it.

meanders

Thanks so much, everyone. Especially Keith. I don't want to seem like I'm blaming others... I just wanted to get all that OUT. I felt like I needed it not inside me and there wasn't anyone to talk to.

The reason I posted my BAL from the ICU is to illustrate that I know I am at the final stages of this disease. That has been one thing that is hard to minimize or forget.

I have almost a month sober now, since my relapse. I had almost 5 months before that. Well, I'm off to a women's meeting now. It is my favorite one. Really the only one I like actually. Unfortunately it is only once a week, but it's a good way to start the week.

Now that I've made such a politely short introduction I'm going to try to be a little involved.

Thanks, again.

nogard

Welcome to SR congrats on your sober time

meanders

Rather than start a new post I thought I would update here. I am 130 days sober. My last relapse was at the end of July. I sobered up then, but was medicated a few days, so chose August 1st as my date.

I want to share that it is absolutely possibly to have a complete 180 degree turn in your life. If someone told me last summer what things would be like now, I never would have believed them. The quality of sobriety in the last 4 months has been a vast improvement over my previous 5 months.

The difference?
Counseling... I am seeing a very effective counselor 1x a week, which is something I never had before. I also take 300 mg of Welbutrin XL prescribed by a psych doctor (was on wait list for months!) and thyroid medicine.

Home... With help from my counselor I asked my ex to move out. The atmosphere now is so calm and serene I can hardly believe it. I let him take a lot of furniture and have been redecorating. Nobody to worry about, just home. We are sharing custody. I have our child four nights per week. He lives around the corner, so we walk back and forth. So far he hasn't tried to invade my space here, either.

School... Enrolled in college full time and it looks like I'll have A grades in all my classes (exam week, now), except for maybe Public Speaking. This has given me a way to rebuild my self-confidence from the complete demoralization of active drinking. I hope to finish my degree in Social Work in the next 2 years. I also took an Eastern Religions class that has been beneficial, just to open my mind to all sorts of spirituality. My other 2 classes are Psychology and Sociology of the Family. A tailor made schedule for me! I took out students loans to pay my bills and pay everything in advance. I don't have to worry about depending on someone else (like the unhealthy ex).

Gratitude... I thank whatever is out there for my sobriety, especially when I feel sad, frustrated, or lonely. At bedtime I read from Pema Chodron's When Things Fall Apart and Start Where You Are.

I just wanted to share that things can change. So, so much. I haven't been utilizing AA and for me that is okay. I use many of the principles and philosophies every day, though. I will be returning to the weekly women's AA meeting, I just had class that night these last few months. For me, I always felt on the verge of relapse in AA. I felt like if I didn't get it or do it perfectly, then as the alcoholic I am I would be doomed to constant relapse. However, I do feel like I am working a program of recovery and it is working!

stephnc

Congratulations and thanks for sharing your inspiring story. I love Pema Chodron's "When Things Fall Apart" as well.