NYC_Chick

I'm not sure what I'm really feeling right now. I'm not depressed, but not bouncing off the walls happy like I was a few weeks ago either. I can't really put my finger on what's going on. I keep going through the list of my life to try to figure it out.

Work is going exceptionally well. I got a raise a couple of weeks ago just past my one year anniversary, the highest they are giving any associate in the firm this year, and I've been doing well with all my cases, so that's not it. I've been taking dance lessons and doing more cultural things in the city in the last 5 months than I have in the last 5 years, so my life is full there. I've made new friends that I'm enjoying getting to know and reconnected with old friends, so that's all good. Dating is even going well. I met someone a few weeks ago that I really like. He's hilarious, smart, completely attractive to me and just easy to be around. He's also completely happy taking things very slow, so no pressure or chaos there, just fun getting to know each other.

Lately some things have cropped up with my alcoholic dad. It's not new stuff, but things I thought I had worked through that are just starting to bother me again. I guess I realized this last week. I wonder if now that I've worked through everything that happened with xabf other things are starting to come up that I thought I had really dealt with before.

To make a very long story short, I'm the youngest of 3 girls. My dad always wanted a son. Since he didn't have one, the oldest was the tomboy and his favorite. If you ask, he will freely tell you that. Anyway, there was a large polish family living down the street from where I grew up. One of the kids, a few years younger than me, had a lot of health problems. After my mom moved us, my dad started spending time with their family. He kind of became a mentor to this kid because the father wasn't around much. Anyway, the kid is very smart. If you know anything about public schools in big cities, they are not good. So, as it turns out, my father told me in a drunken stupor on Christmas 4 years ago that he paid for private high school for this kid because he saw potential in him. That was $20,000. I only know because he told me. Now he has a lucrative career in medicine. At the time he was paying for this kid's private high school, I was in college, the first in my family to go to undergrad and the first to get an advanced degree. My father, of course, refused to help, which I am thankful for now, but still. Then, not so much. This kid is still in my father's life. My dad calls him the brother we never had. My sisters and I call him the brother we never wanted and wish would fall off the face of the earth. I have no idea why this is getting to me now. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Thanks for reading!

DesertEyes

Hey there NYC


Good heavens! Why would it _not_ get to you? I think you are perfectly justified in having all kinds of emotions over that. I know I sure would. I got fairly worked up just reading your post.

Suggestions? Sure, come visit the ACoA forum "next door". We work on the issues our "toxic parents" left us with, help each other overcome that and get back to a life that is healthy.

Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Mike

MissFixit

NYC Chick,

I agree with Deserteyes. Why would you not be peeved? Your frustration is understandable. My family has similar dynamics and as an adult I too have found that after/during dealing with the exabf trauma drama has brought up all kinds of things from my relationship with my father.

That forum sounds like a good idea.

Miss

LaTeeDa

I've found over time that the issues I had in my marriage were not the root of my problems. They stemmed from attitudes and conditioning I had acquired throughout my life. It's natural on the path of self-discovery to find yourself looking at family-of-origin issues.

I, too, grew up in a family where boys/men were considered more valuable than girls/women. Of course, I rebelled against the notion, but the emotional conditioning was there, nonetheless. I believe this is a separate issue from growing up with an alcoholic father (true in my case, too), but it very much contributed to my self-worth issues and my codependence.

I applaud you for digging down to the painful origins of your feelings. As it turned out, I spent a lot more time on childhood/family-of-origin matters with my therapist than I did on married-to-an-alcoholic stuff. It has made a huge difference in my life.

L

P.S. My parents DID get the son they wanted after me and my sister were born. He was treated like a little king and we were just "the girls." But, that's a whole other post.