TryingSoHard

Hi y'all,

It's been a while since I've been here. Almost 3 months, actually (time flies, huh?). I've thought about SR and my friends here a lot during that time, I just couldn't bring myself to actually log on. There was WAY too much negativity going on here when I quit coming by on a daily basis and I didn't want to get dragged back into it.

For the most part, I was doing well while I was gone. Like anyone else, I had good days and bad days. I told a couple more people about why I quit drinking, and my husband told his parents. I've moved more into the "acceptance" phase of this whole thing, I think.

But all has not REALLY been well. I've been trying to find ANY way possible to escape reality, find ANY substance possible to help me since I can't drink. Well, ok, not ANY substance because I didn't start using drugs... but I DID abuse my sleeping pills (some of you might remember that, it was right before I left), and then I started drinking cough syrup to get a buzz. How pathetic is that? I swore I'd never tell a soul that I did that.

So, it should come as no surprise to hear that yesterday I went to the liquor store and bought a 375ml bottle of JD (and two little sampler bottles of strawberry rum) and came home and had myself a little party. 263 days of sobriety came to an end, and I had fully planned it.

My husband is out of town with the kids. I am home alone. It was my perfect opportunity. I decided that if my husband point-blank asked me whether or not I drank while he was gone that I would be honest, but if he didn't ask I wouldn't tell. All I had to do was make it through the night without talking to him on the phone once I was good and wasted (so he wouldn't hear me slur).

Guess what? Couldn't do it. So of course he asked me if I had been drinking, and what did I do? I said not no, but HELL NO! How DARE you!!! WTF, man? And then I went on a Facebook RAMPAGE (apparently... I have no memory of this part of last night). Then I wrote him some truly killer emails - which make NO sense whatsoever, but are about as rude as nonsensical emails can possibly be. LOTS of cursing. LOTS of name-calling. I even went so far as to tell him that I don't want to go to Rome with him (we leave on Tuesday for a week).

All I had to do was be nice to him. He wasn't even in the same house as me. He was 700 miles away, and I still managed to be so over-the-top mean that there aren't even any words for it.

So yeah, we had an interesting conversation this morning. And yes, I came clean - no point in lying now anyway. I don't think he believes much of what I'm saying, but I certainly can't blame him.

So yeah. I knew darn good and well for the past couple of days that last night I'd be drinking. I just had no idea that I'd make such a total fool out of myself, and make my husband the brunt of every bit of anger I could muster.

I honestly believed that I'd be alone, drink, be happy, and go on with my life and no one would be the wiser. I thought it would be a good "test" to see how I felt afterwards... both physically and emotionally. Would I be hungover? (I'm not.) Would the cravings kick back in? (They have not.) Maybe, now that it's been almost 9 months, I could start doing this drinking thing again... you know, just every once in a while. Not like it was before.

Ha.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

What was I thinking??

suki44883

The best laid plans of mice and men. LOL!!! Me thinks thou doth protest too much!!!

Sorry, I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing at the situation. All that planning...such a waste.

Wolfchild

Someone else might learn from your mistakes,
they might give up on themeselves and
go back to drinking/drugging.

It's all beside the point. What have you learned from this?

Desiree827

I actually can relate to this I started drinking when I was 14 and decided to quit at 22 because I was unmanagable......and short after I started to substitue with pain killers because they were not my problem so I thought and 2 weeks ago I just got out of rehab and now I am 27 yrs old so I know exactly how you feel and I think someone who reads your mistakes and maybe even mine should definitly learn from what we suffered.

least

If you want me to kick your ass, I'm not going to do it. You've already kicked yourself hard enough. You know the drill: pick yourself up, dust yourself off, learn from it, forgive yourself, and start moving forward again.

:ghug3

Mark75

Hi TSH - Glad you made it back, sorry it took this to make it happen.

There were a couple of things I was gonna say, but others probably will, and I don't want to pile it up But please find it within yourself to heal, completely.

I sincerely hope all goes OK with your husband... I hope he is still as supportive as he has been. I hope to hear more from you!

Mark

Anna

Hi Trying,

I used to try drinking like that when my husband went away too. I would convince myself that I could manage to hide a night of drinking from everyone. It never worked, ever.

This is definitely an experience to learn from and move forward.

hopeful999

I really liked your post. I can relate to the Facebook rampage. How many of us are doing that (LOL)??? It is awful when the bits and pieces of the previous night start coming back to you... with horror!! And the planning of your little party ... I can relate to that as well. I have often planned to get drunk by going over to the wine store. In the beginning I say I will have just one glasses ... or two. But then I just end up drinking the whole bottle and getting wasted. I am a small person, so a full bottle of wine for me is a LOT. I am just starting out on this journey of sobriety and have found all of these stories helpful, and that I am certainly not alone!!! Thx.

suki44883

I guess that's another reason to be glad I don't have a Facebook account.

Rowan

I'm glad you're back with us at SR - but sorry for the circumstances.

I hope that you don't let any negativity you may encounter here keep you away for longer than a day or two - especially if SR is your main source of recovery support.

I relapsed more than once since first getting sober - twice after two years, and again after 9 months - the first two times were booze, and the last was sleeping pills. Relapse isn't a necessity, but it does happen - for some of us. You too can recover - just start where you are.

I'm sincerely glad to see you back at SR.

Zencat

263 days is more...much much more that than the majority of people in my treatment group has put together. You having that much time in of itself is a major accomplishment from my perspective. Yes a relapse can happen but it takes incredible courage and fortitude to pick up the pieces and forge on. Something that I fearfully don't see to often in my circle of recovery friends. Please stick around and continue to share your recover journey...your relapse story is not wasted as far as I'm concerned.

tommyk

When I drink, some 'inner demon' part of me exhibits extremely self-destructive behavior.

That sleeping dragon part of me lashes out at the people and things I love the most.

That sleeping dragon part of me tries to convince me I am better off dead.

That part of me is so VERY full of self hate, it wants to die, but it has to take me with it.

"I" am not like that at all... unless I feed that 'inner demon' within me alcohol & drugs.

Tryingsohard - let the sleeping dragon within you lay silent, let it starve... without alcohol it cannot rise up.

Just for today... put it to sleep.

colagirl

God I can so relate to everything in your post... the planning, the emailing and Facebook rampage, the thinking you can drink "normally" again... one night I apparently found a website with stories about people trying to raise money to run marathons for breast cancer research, and found them so touching that I donated money to several of them. I woke up in the morning to find a bunch of receipts and thank yous in my email, with no recollection of what I had done. I was never a drunk dialer but MAN am I scared of the damage I can cause while drunk surfing and emailing.

Anyway, I'm sorry to hear about your relapse but it's good to see you back, I've missed you! :ghug

firestorm090

Hi TSH,

It's great to see you back in the fold, the family here at SR. I know exactly how our minds can con us into the next drink all too well. It hurts when it happens, but sometimes can be the very catalyst we need to get real with ourselves, accept our condition, then pick up the tools that work and use them to save our lives.

Your absence leaves a mighty big hole here, so I hope you stick around for good. Welcome back.

hopeful999

I actually ordered a couch that cost $1600 when I was completely wasted one night from the Crate and Barrel website! When I woke up the next day, I couldn't believe what I had done so impulsively. I frantically went and tried to see which couch I bought, etc. The funny thing was that the couch was actually the perfect color, size and style for my living room and I needed a couch (just got lucky, I think), Could have been a disaster!

Yeah, I think the point is that having access to a computer, email and a credit card can be very dangerous.... the answer is to NOT drink and keep your judgment!

Aysha

I am glad your back too. Alot of poeple have missed you. Including me.
I hate to hear what happened. But its done.
Now learn from it and move on and try not to make that mistake again.
I really hope you stick around and dont allow anything to discourage you from support like SR.
There was alot of negativity there for a minute.ut it comes in waves it seems to me. We are a bunch of addicts and alcoholics struggling and coming off something. And the rest are trying to help us while keeping their sobrity. So its expected to get a little crazy at times.
Its life everywhere at anytime.

I am glad you were finally honest and that says alot.
Please stick around.

joedris

You asked an excellent question: "What was I thinking?" You were deceived by the disease called aslcoholism that it would be ok for you to have a drink since you've been such a good girl for 262 days. And nobody would know. It would be your secret. In other words, you set yourself up, starting some time ago, for a relapse. And it started with you beginning to feel comfortable about maybe being able to take just one drink. The last step in the process was actually drinking. And then things quickly went to hell in a handbasket.

You need help. You're not gonna lick this thing by yourself. Very few do. I strongly urge you to try AA. And if you've been and didn't like it, go back and pay attention this time.
AA saved my life and thousands like me. It not easy, but it can be done. If you're new to a meeting, let them know that. Tell them you need help. You'll get more help than you can handle in one night. In any event, I wish you luck.

Dee74

I'm so glad you're back TSH. Missed ya.

But you slid into this a *long* way back.
What's next?

D

stone

Hi TSH.

This is more serious than one nights drinking, what about the sleeping pills, the cough syrup, you know?

I hope you stick around for a while I missed ya.

TryingSoHard

Hi Mark,

Yes, somehow my husband is still as supportive as he's ever been. I don't know how he does it. I'm grateful and I'm thankful, but I don't understand it.

Once we got "the talk" out of the way tonight, we actually had quite a laugh going back and reading some of the emails I sent him in the middle of the night. Really, where do I come up with this stuff?? The things I wrote didn't even form coherent sentences, for the most part.