Have counseling tomorrow and need some suggestions/thoughts
Have counseling tomorrow and need some suggestions/thoughts
So I have counseling tomorrow. I posted in my other thread that my dh is an alcoholic and we are seperated after 12 years of marriage. We've been to 3 sessions together of marriage counseling. I've stated in counseling and also on the paperwork that our main issues are the addictions that he has and trust issues. Well, she is giving us stuff on communication and listening and we have worked some on that, but I feel that unless the addictions are dealt with it is all pointless. Well tomorrow, I have an appt. with her by myself. I'm going to state this again and ask her for suggestions or what she thinks would be helpful with this, or practical things I can do for myself. I feel like she isn't taking the addictions seriously because she doesn't back me up in counseling that the addictions need to be dealt with, because of course he is giving all the excuses in counseling too.
If she doesn't take me seriously tomorrow about the addictions, should I quit the counseling and find someone else? Should I continue?
I'm frustrated with the counseling and feel it is going no where.
If she doesn't take me seriously tomorrow about the addictions, should I quit the counseling and find someone else? Should I continue?
I'm frustrated with the counseling and feel it is going no where.
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 43
From my personal experience, I would never go to another marriage counselor unless they had significant training in alcoholism. My AH went to several marriage counselors of his own choosing - thinking our problems had to do with other things such a me not being "nice" enough ... a classic case of denial and blaming from an alcoholic - something a trained addiction counselor would have seen right through. These counselors pressured me into participating - a big mistake. Both times my AH insisted he wasn't drinking, but I strongly suspected he was lying and secretly drinking that later proved to be true.
The sessions I reluctantly attended proved to be a complete waste of precious time and money ...and ended up probably doing more harm than good since these counselors were viewed as "experts" - so when they give bad advice it could be incorrectly viewed as accurate. The guidance they were giving us was totally off base and neither one could see through the lies and manipulation an experienced addiction counselor would have. One counselor was so clueless that she half believed my AH when he told her that I was imagining and overreacting to his "social" drinking because my father had been an alcoholic. She also told us that AA could train alcoholics to drink just 2 drinks...a complete falsehood. Her counseling proved to be dangerous and just validated what my AH wanted to hear. However, within weeks my AH fell apart, admitted he was drinking and had a problem, his secret stash of alcohol at home was found that he had kept for years ... plus bottles of vodka he had hidden at his office. Gee - my "imagination" must have put those bottles there. I also checked with several AA offices and found they had nothing except a total abstinence program and were quite angry with the poor counseling we had received. This counselor was defensive when she was finally proved wrong at all levels. Unfortunately - the damage was done and to this day I still resent her ill informed and dangerous advise.
I have heard before that a good relationship counselor will not take on a case where there is an active addiction. The theory being that the addicted person is not really present - the addiction is - and relationship counseling should only take place once a the addict has been sober and in recovery for at least 6 months. Individual counseling for addiction is a better option. It is very possible that after 6 months of healthy sobriety, the need for marriage counseling may no longer be needed.
The sessions I reluctantly attended proved to be a complete waste of precious time and money ...and ended up probably doing more harm than good since these counselors were viewed as "experts" - so when they give bad advice it could be incorrectly viewed as accurate. The guidance they were giving us was totally off base and neither one could see through the lies and manipulation an experienced addiction counselor would have. One counselor was so clueless that she half believed my AH when he told her that I was imagining and overreacting to his "social" drinking because my father had been an alcoholic. She also told us that AA could train alcoholics to drink just 2 drinks...a complete falsehood. Her counseling proved to be dangerous and just validated what my AH wanted to hear. However, within weeks my AH fell apart, admitted he was drinking and had a problem, his secret stash of alcohol at home was found that he had kept for years ... plus bottles of vodka he had hidden at his office. Gee - my "imagination" must have put those bottles there. I also checked with several AA offices and found they had nothing except a total abstinence program and were quite angry with the poor counseling we had received. This counselor was defensive when she was finally proved wrong at all levels. Unfortunately - the damage was done and to this day I still resent her ill informed and dangerous advise.
I have heard before that a good relationship counselor will not take on a case where there is an active addiction. The theory being that the addicted person is not really present - the addiction is - and relationship counseling should only take place once a the addict has been sober and in recovery for at least 6 months. Individual counseling for addiction is a better option. It is very possible that after 6 months of healthy sobriety, the need for marriage counseling may no longer be needed.
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 273
I have heard before that a good relationship counselor will not take on a case where there is an active addiction. The theory being that the addicted person is not really present - the addiction is - and relationship counseling should only take place once a the addict has been sober and in recovery for at least 6 months. Individual counseling for addiction is a better option.
Not all therapists are created equal.
I'd find a new one.
but I feel that unless the addictions are dealt with it is all pointless.
I think you need to ask yourself what your real motive behind marriage counseling is. Because with him actively drinking it sounds like there will always be trust issues. But no one but no one is going to force him to stop until he decides that for himself.
My experience was similar to EnoughisEnough's - but I have to say that it proved helpful to me, it made it crystal clear to me that there was no moving forward in my marriage and gave me the kick in the butt I needed to finally make an informed decision.
Very good advice, thank you so much! Wow, I'm so glad I have found this group.
Ok, my next question is he will go ballistic if I tell him I am quitting marriage counseling and probably want a divorce. Should I just tell him, or should I go to the counseling tomorrow and then tell him? What should I tell him about it. I'm not totally ready financially for divorce and want to get a couple of things situated. Any thoughts.
Ok, my next question is he will go ballistic if I tell him I am quitting marriage counseling and probably want a divorce. Should I just tell him, or should I go to the counseling tomorrow and then tell him? What should I tell him about it. I'm not totally ready financially for divorce and want to get a couple of things situated. Any thoughts.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
From my personal experience, I would never go to another marriage counselor unless they had significant training in alcoholism. My AH went to several marriage counselors of his own choosing - thinking our problems had to do with other things such a me not being "nice" enough ... a classic case of denial and blaming from an alcoholic - something a trained addiction counselor would have seen right through. These counselors pressured me into participating - a big mistake. .
Well no doubt about it either way you do it the outcome is going to be the same right?
You mentioned your counseling session tomorrow is just for you so why not go and bounce your ideas off the therapist. Express the fact that until he chooses to address the real under lying issue working on communication or anything else is pointless right now.
And who says you have to tell him anything right now, plan your exit wisely. Give yourself the time you need to be more prepared financially. You mentioned that you are separated right, so stay separated until YOU are ready.
You mentioned your counseling session tomorrow is just for you so why not go and bounce your ideas off the therapist. Express the fact that until he chooses to address the real under lying issue working on communication or anything else is pointless right now.
And who says you have to tell him anything right now, plan your exit wisely. Give yourself the time you need to be more prepared financially. You mentioned that you are separated right, so stay separated until YOU are ready.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
Ok, my next question is he will go ballistic if I tell him I am quitting marriage counseling and probably want a divorce. Should I just tell him, or should I go to the counseling tomorrow and then tell him? What should I tell him about it. I'm not totally ready financially for divorce and want to get a couple of things situated. Any thoughts.
One thing I did before deciding to proceed with a divorce was to visit with a lawyer. That relieved fears and answered many questions. I also was in counseling at that time as well to help me learn what it was I wanted for my life and the life of my kids.
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