praiseHim

I've been married for 12 years and have 4 kids. My husband drank before we got together, but then quit before we were married. He started back up again after we were married about a year or 2. He would be drunk a lot, throw up, drank and drove, would stay after work and drink, yelled, has anger problems and so on. He was not a very nice husband or father in the beginning. Now, he is a better husband and father, but he still drinks. He doesn't appear drunk anymore and he is more responsible when drinking. But our garage is full of beer cans and bottles and he admits to drinking 5-10 beers at least 5 days a week. He still has an anger/irritation problem and we recently seperated, because I found him having a vulgar sexual and emotional affair online which he preceded to lie about. I also found porn which he admits he looks at once a week at least So trust is totally broken and I have a lot of fears about the selfish choices he keeps making.

So, we are going to marriage counseling which he suggested. He has cut it off completely with the person online as far as I know. We've been seperated for almost 2 months. I'm still worried about the drinking. He says that he will not change that and says it isn't a problem, does it to relax, isn't as bad as most, could be out at bars and so on. Total denial, in my opinion. He accuses me of blaming him, nagging, not willing to compromise (allowing him to cut back on the drinking), controling him, and so on. I admitted that I do do this and that I was in Alanon and now in celebrate recovery for codepency for this. For the last week, I've really made a lot of progress with this. I told him that I don't know what to do about the alcohol, but I think that it is a parasite in our marriage and that it is making it unhealthy. A couple of weeks ago I told him I won't come home until he agrees to treatment, but he just got enraged and yelled and wouldn't talk to me for a week. So I'm laying off the ultimatums and nagging and focusing on myself and my relationship and dependence on God. I can't change him and shouldn't, he needs to have the freedom to do that.

Ok, my problem is this, I don't know if I should detach from him and stay together while following Alanon/celebrate recovery principles, OR if I should stay seperated, and possibly divorce if he isn't willing to get help. I don't know how much more I can take of this. I want to work it out, but the drinking is a roadblock that he isn't willng to work on and I don't know if I can live with. I wonder about the affects on my kids and if I'm doing damage by staying, but yet if we do get a divorce, they'd see him anyway.

Any suggestions or ideas or thoughts?

whyamistaying

I don't have any thoughts as I am still with AH so I haven't gone through the separation process. I would think that since are already separated, don't move back in. Especially in light of the fact that he isn't making progress. Just my 2 cents.

suki44883

I agree...I'd go with option B. You are already separated and it's much easier to detach that way than when living in the same house with a front row seat to the drama. Yep...that's what I'm sayin'.

(((HUGS)))

praiseHim

Thank you for your replies, that really helps. It is nice to have some encouragement.

hadenoughnow

I was married to an A for 16 years, this is my ESH.

So did mine, because he had reached the next level of ism, it simply takes more to get drunk.

My situation also, I could not continue being married under these circumstances.

Yes so he can manipulate you into staying married to him IMO.


I am glad to see you are not living right in the madness for now.

Try not to, there isn't anything you can do about it.

Typical


This is a good place to stay but can be difficult to maintain when you stay in the relationship.




I would stick with option 2 since he says he will not quit drinking and get help, please believe him when he says this, he means it.

praiseHim

Thank you for your comments on specific things hadenoughnow. That is helpful to have someone else point out from a third perspective their view, especially because you have been there. This helps me and it helps to know I'm doing the right thing. He is very functional, works, is responsible, and so on, so sometimes, it is hard to believe it really is a problem. The anger, attitude, aloofness, and so on are what really bother me.

blessed4x

Your situation is similar to mine. We were married almost 22 years, 4 kids, drinking progressed to him not appearing drunk, cans everywhere, anger issues. I started finding vodka bottles hidden, porn, he ultimately cheated but still denies it.

Our divorce will be final tomorrow. I know it was the right decision for me (us) because we were just too sick together. He claims to be going to AA and has stopped drinking. Not sure about that, but do believe he has switched to prescription narcotics. I got alot of flack about giving him a second chance....but I had given him a thousand.

I spent a long time in prayer and got some very wise counsel. I never waivered in my decision. I believe when you know, you know. I can tell you that while we have some struggles, they are nothing compared to living with an active alcoholic....or the nasty person he became when he quit drinking.

In the end, you have to do what's right for you. All of the benefits and consequences will be yours.

TakingCharge999

Hi praiseHim!

I bumped two other threads: Leaving and How to leave an abusive relation...

Some things may not apply... but those links have practical tips that may help should you decide to leave.

All the best, these are turbulent times for you but you got all our support, remember you only got ONE LIFE.. and you have the right to seek what gives you peace and joy.

Hugs!!