She has nothing, and I left her alone
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: LCSC
Posts: 13
She has nothing, and I left her alone
My AGF with bi-polar has been slidng deeper into her diseases over the past 8 years. We've been together 10 years. About once a month she has a real bad episode and I have often told her to leave, to go find someone else's life to ruin, and leave me alone. The next day she is apologetic and takes steps to get help. She sees a CB therapist and has a psychiatrist who specializes in addiction. She is on meds, but I don't know if she sticks with them. I do know that she can't go 10 days without drinking. She and I are both from alcoholic families. My dad has gotten help, and has been sober for years. Her family is deep in the disease, and has a major crisis (jail or suicide attempt) about once a month. I also have my own problems with addiction, but have been in denial until recently since her and her family's problems make my pot habit seem extremely minor. She lost her job a year ago, and has been unemployed since.
Friday, she came home very upset. I asked "Are you OK?" which was my unsublte way of asking "Are you drunk?" She got the hint, and became angry, then abusive, and tried to leave the apartment with my bankcard against my will. As we stuggled over her purse so I could get my card back, she latched onto my arm with her teeth. After I got my card, and found the remainder of her bottle in the process, I started packing, with her physically trying to prevent me. I eventually got a few things in a bag and got out the door. She tore the shirt off my back in the process.
I am spending my time at my dad's, and he is being so incredibly supportive and understanding. But, I feel guilty because I know she doesn't have anyone in her family who supports or undertands. She calls incessantly, and cycles between leaving apologetic and hateful messages. I try very hard not to answer the calls, but I still listen to the messages. She called her therapist and dad who lives in town on Saturday morning threatening to call the cops on me because said she was worried. Her therapist and dad both called me to check on me. She called her family (mother&sister live in another state) and threatened suicide on Saturday afternoon. They called me and her dad demanding we do something. I tried to convince them there was nothing I could do, and that she constantly threatens suicide to get attention (just like they do, course I didn't say that to them). The convinced her father to get the cops involved, but she snowed them and was not taken into custody.
She fell asleep for a few hours and talked to her therapist for a while, her therapist called to let me know she'd agreed to get evaluated for rehab. AGF called and left messages again and she sounded much more reasonable. She asked me to come home, but said she would respect my decision if I chose not to. I talked to her for the first time about an hour after she left the message, and she sounded like she'd calmed down. I told her I would consider coming back, but needed time and wanted to have dinner with my dad. She agreed, so after dinner I packed my stuff and left to go home and see my girl and our cats. I called her to let her know and she sounded happy.
Well, apparently her alcoholic mom called her while I was on the way home and read her the riot act about her behavoir earlier in the day (pot, meet kettle), so she was in a sorry state when I got home. I tried to comfort her; I held her, I talked softly, I told her things would get better, I went and got her some food, but she was just slipping deeper into depression. The back of my mind kept wondering if what I was doing was caring for her, or enabling her. I remembered that I have to do what's best for myself, and I realiezed I was getting frustrated trying to comfort someone who was inconsolable. So I went to take a shower. When I got out she had moved from depression to aggression. I tried to watch some TV, but she would just alternated between crying and glaring, asking me questions designed to bait me into a fight.
So, after 2 hours at home, I grabbed the bag I hadn't yet unpacked, and headed back over to my dad's. My cell didn't ring until this morning. I ignored it and instead threw myself into SR, finidng relief in reading about how others have found peace and happiness after situations much worse than mine.
She called half an hour ago and I answered. Now, she says she's pregnant, too. I doubt it, she's used that trick before, but of course I feel like I need to go back home with a test to see. Do I?
Thanks so much for letting me get that out.
Friday, she came home very upset. I asked "Are you OK?" which was my unsublte way of asking "Are you drunk?" She got the hint, and became angry, then abusive, and tried to leave the apartment with my bankcard against my will. As we stuggled over her purse so I could get my card back, she latched onto my arm with her teeth. After I got my card, and found the remainder of her bottle in the process, I started packing, with her physically trying to prevent me. I eventually got a few things in a bag and got out the door. She tore the shirt off my back in the process.
I am spending my time at my dad's, and he is being so incredibly supportive and understanding. But, I feel guilty because I know she doesn't have anyone in her family who supports or undertands. She calls incessantly, and cycles between leaving apologetic and hateful messages. I try very hard not to answer the calls, but I still listen to the messages. She called her therapist and dad who lives in town on Saturday morning threatening to call the cops on me because said she was worried. Her therapist and dad both called me to check on me. She called her family (mother&sister live in another state) and threatened suicide on Saturday afternoon. They called me and her dad demanding we do something. I tried to convince them there was nothing I could do, and that she constantly threatens suicide to get attention (just like they do, course I didn't say that to them). The convinced her father to get the cops involved, but she snowed them and was not taken into custody.
She fell asleep for a few hours and talked to her therapist for a while, her therapist called to let me know she'd agreed to get evaluated for rehab. AGF called and left messages again and she sounded much more reasonable. She asked me to come home, but said she would respect my decision if I chose not to. I talked to her for the first time about an hour after she left the message, and she sounded like she'd calmed down. I told her I would consider coming back, but needed time and wanted to have dinner with my dad. She agreed, so after dinner I packed my stuff and left to go home and see my girl and our cats. I called her to let her know and she sounded happy.
Well, apparently her alcoholic mom called her while I was on the way home and read her the riot act about her behavoir earlier in the day (pot, meet kettle), so she was in a sorry state when I got home. I tried to comfort her; I held her, I talked softly, I told her things would get better, I went and got her some food, but she was just slipping deeper into depression. The back of my mind kept wondering if what I was doing was caring for her, or enabling her. I remembered that I have to do what's best for myself, and I realiezed I was getting frustrated trying to comfort someone who was inconsolable. So I went to take a shower. When I got out she had moved from depression to aggression. I tried to watch some TV, but she would just alternated between crying and glaring, asking me questions designed to bait me into a fight.
So, after 2 hours at home, I grabbed the bag I hadn't yet unpacked, and headed back over to my dad's. My cell didn't ring until this morning. I ignored it and instead threw myself into SR, finidng relief in reading about how others have found peace and happiness after situations much worse than mine.
She called half an hour ago and I answered. Now, she says she's pregnant, too. I doubt it, she's used that trick before, but of course I feel like I need to go back home with a test to see. Do I?
Thanks so much for letting me get that out.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
Wow! Glad you are sticking close to SR today. Might I also suggest that your turn off your phone. Stay away from her for a while, is my advice. Sounds like she is pulling every rabbit out of the hat in order to get you back over there. Stay strong. (((HUGS)))
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: back from the brink
Posts: 457
This is a good place for you right now.
You are smack in the middle of a storm, and we all know what it is like. From your post, it seems she in very much in decline. Not much you can do to help her... it's up to her. Walk away, and concentrate on your own healing. Best to remember you didn't cause this, and you can't fix it or make it livable. Alcoholism is progressive, and often takes it's victims and their loved ones down with them. She's got a therapist, and help is out there if she really wants it. You have to be emotionally prepared for what happens if she doesn't want it and gets worse. Just being witness to that is very hard. You'll need help for YOU. Take care.
You are smack in the middle of a storm, and we all know what it is like. From your post, it seems she in very much in decline. Not much you can do to help her... it's up to her. Walk away, and concentrate on your own healing. Best to remember you didn't cause this, and you can't fix it or make it livable. Alcoholism is progressive, and often takes it's victims and their loved ones down with them. She's got a therapist, and help is out there if she really wants it. You have to be emotionally prepared for what happens if she doesn't want it and gets worse. Just being witness to that is very hard. You'll need help for YOU. Take care.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Hoosier Daddy?
Posts: 63
Sounds like you're engaging in the game of, 'Come here... go away... come here... go away'. In my experience, and from what I've learned about the 'game', is I'm called to 'come here' when needed, when someone else was in the mood, or as long as I 'behaved' right... didn't ask questions, was agreeable, didn't rock the boat.
The problem with that is I become a yo-yo and unstable myself. It's exhausting always measuring or analyzing the behavior of others to determine what's best for me. Good news is it only continues as long as I remain a player in the game. My role was facing my denial and refusing to release false hope from a headlock. I have to accept that no matter what I want for someone else, I can't want it more for them than they want it for themselves.
You don't have to go running each time a 'moment of sanity/clarity' sets-in, based upon your hope things will be different each time. Nothing wrong with needing to see some long-term stability when dealing with an unstable person. I'm grateful to know I have choices.
Many Blessings,
Shaman
The problem with that is I become a yo-yo and unstable myself. It's exhausting always measuring or analyzing the behavior of others to determine what's best for me. Good news is it only continues as long as I remain a player in the game. My role was facing my denial and refusing to release false hope from a headlock. I have to accept that no matter what I want for someone else, I can't want it more for them than they want it for themselves.
You don't have to go running each time a 'moment of sanity/clarity' sets-in, based upon your hope things will be different each time. Nothing wrong with needing to see some long-term stability when dealing with an unstable person. I'm grateful to know I have choices.
Many Blessings,
Shaman
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family, RJ.
I'm a recovering alcoholic, and I left my drinking partner after I got sober and into recovery and he did not. We were married 14 years. Since the divorce, he has started going to AA, got a sponsor and is working his program. We can recover from addiction, but we have to want it more than anything. I wanted sobriety more than my marriage, job and children. I had too! If I didn't I would have lost all of it because of the addiction. I did loose the marriage, but we are still friends.
I just wanted to tell you that there is hope for you and your gf. You have to take care of yourself first though. She is an adult and can take care of herself. She does not need you as a babysitter. She has professional resources to help her get better.
When I seperated from my active A, I went no contact. Turned off the phone. Gave myself 3 solid days of peace and quiet. Therefore, I agree with the others that you should turn off your phone and focus on your needs.
It sounds like you have a great place with your dad. I am sure he will be a source of strength and support to you. Congratulations on your clean time.
I wish you peace and success as you begin to live your life!
I'm a recovering alcoholic, and I left my drinking partner after I got sober and into recovery and he did not. We were married 14 years. Since the divorce, he has started going to AA, got a sponsor and is working his program. We can recover from addiction, but we have to want it more than anything. I wanted sobriety more than my marriage, job and children. I had too! If I didn't I would have lost all of it because of the addiction. I did loose the marriage, but we are still friends.
I just wanted to tell you that there is hope for you and your gf. You have to take care of yourself first though. She is an adult and can take care of herself. She does not need you as a babysitter. She has professional resources to help her get better.
When I seperated from my active A, I went no contact. Turned off the phone. Gave myself 3 solid days of peace and quiet. Therefore, I agree with the others that you should turn off your phone and focus on your needs.
It sounds like you have a great place with your dad. I am sure he will be a source of strength and support to you. Congratulations on your clean time.
I wish you peace and success as you begin to live your life!
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,636
You have not left her alone -- you have left her in the care of her loving HP, which is exactly where she needs to be and to whom she needs to turn.
Clearly her relying on you and you trying to save her from herself has not worked -- and you have bite marks on your body to prove it....which, BTW, constitutes physical abuse. Why not let HP have a chance?
freya
Clearly her relying on you and you trying to save her from herself has not worked -- and you have bite marks on your body to prove it....which, BTW, constitutes physical abuse. Why not let HP have a chance?
freya
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: LCSC
Posts: 13
Thanks so much to everyone for the kind words and advice. :ghug2
I am not answering her calls. The phone is on and the ringer is off, but I am checking messages. The messages all display classic rapic-cycling bi-polar. <manic> "I love you and miss you, the kittehs miss you, too! Please come home, sweetie!" <depressive> "But I'm sure you won't, you hate me because I'm such a horrible person. I hate me, too." It really breaks my heart.
I called her therapist and she has talked to AGF today, so at least she's talking to people that can help. I am skeptical she is doing it for the right reasons. I think she's just making token gestures of recovery to get me to come back home.
I really want to go home. I miss her and I miss our kittehs.
I am not answering her calls. The phone is on and the ringer is off, but I am checking messages. The messages all display classic rapic-cycling bi-polar. <manic> "I love you and miss you, the kittehs miss you, too! Please come home, sweetie!" <depressive> "But I'm sure you won't, you hate me because I'm such a horrible person. I hate me, too." It really breaks my heart.
I called her therapist and she has talked to AGF today, so at least she's talking to people that can help. I am skeptical she is doing it for the right reasons. I think she's just making token gestures of recovery to get me to come back home.
I really want to go home. I miss her and I miss our kittehs.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hello RJO!
I am glad you are here in SR... full of wonderful people that have already given you great advice.
I just wanted to tell you its very sad to watch someone else's progression and destruction, however it is sadder to let it influence and affect you deeply as if YOU yourself had those issues.
You don't. You are free of them. I hope you realize who you are and what you deserve, if this girl is too unstable, better leave her alone for a while. These are not isolated incidents, but are part of a declining cycle of abuse and lowering of standards. Sometimes you do not realize it until you got some time for yourself and "zoom out" from the whole situation.
Take care!!
I am glad you are here in SR... full of wonderful people that have already given you great advice.
I just wanted to tell you its very sad to watch someone else's progression and destruction, however it is sadder to let it influence and affect you deeply as if YOU yourself had those issues.
You don't. You are free of them. I hope you realize who you are and what you deserve, if this girl is too unstable, better leave her alone for a while. These are not isolated incidents, but are part of a declining cycle of abuse and lowering of standards. Sometimes you do not realize it until you got some time for yourself and "zoom out" from the whole situation.
Take care!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi rj-
glad you are here. my girl friend is bi-polar and abuses alcohol. she has many therapists and a whole team of support. she continues to drink and abuse drugs. that is her choice. you have a choice too. to tolerate it or separate and get your head on straight. i hope you take a time out...it sounds like a not very good situation.
naive
glad you are here. my girl friend is bi-polar and abuses alcohol. she has many therapists and a whole team of support. she continues to drink and abuse drugs. that is her choice. you have a choice too. to tolerate it or separate and get your head on straight. i hope you take a time out...it sounds like a not very good situation.
naive
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: LCSC
Posts: 13
Thanks again for the supportive words. You guys and gals all rock!
I'm still having a hard time letting go. Although I still haven't answered the phone, the messages I get are getting hard to ignore. Somehow, she's been drinking again today. She has no job, no money, no access to my accounts, but she still got drunk today. Her last few messages were hysterically begging me to come take her to the hospital. "They won't take me unless I'm a threat to myself, I don't want hurt myself because you won't help me!" I felt like Commander Akbar in Return of the Jedi - "It's a trap!" I texted her to call her therapist and if it was determined that I absolutely positively had to be the one to take her (to show a credit card, since she has no insurance, either) she could have her therapist call me and tell me. That was over 3 hours ago. My phone has been silent since.
I'm alone at my dad's house, now. He and my step-mom went to serve dinner at the homeless shelter. I'm trying really hard not to call or drive by to check on her, but it's all I can think about. I love her, she is my soul-mate and can't stop thinking about her well being.
I'm still having a hard time letting go. Although I still haven't answered the phone, the messages I get are getting hard to ignore. Somehow, she's been drinking again today. She has no job, no money, no access to my accounts, but she still got drunk today. Her last few messages were hysterically begging me to come take her to the hospital. "They won't take me unless I'm a threat to myself, I don't want hurt myself because you won't help me!" I felt like Commander Akbar in Return of the Jedi - "It's a trap!" I texted her to call her therapist and if it was determined that I absolutely positively had to be the one to take her (to show a credit card, since she has no insurance, either) she could have her therapist call me and tell me. That was over 3 hours ago. My phone has been silent since.
I'm alone at my dad's house, now. He and my step-mom went to serve dinner at the homeless shelter. I'm trying really hard not to call or drive by to check on her, but it's all I can think about. I love her, she is my soul-mate and can't stop thinking about her well being.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
Hang strong, RJ. She doesn't have to harm herself to get to a hospital. She can call 911 and the police will come and take her if she is threatening to harm herself. I know this is hard and I know you love her. I have been through this exact same thing with my daughter. I know you want to help her but only she can help herself. She has the knowledge and the tools to do that. She wants YOU to be the one to "save her," and you just cannot do that. I know you want to, but you can't. If she realizes that you are not coming home tonight, I bet you she'll calm down and pass out. If you absolutely must text her, tell her to call 911 and then turn OFF your phone. I know that sounds harsh, but running to her aid is not going to help either of you.
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: California
Posts: 131
"Addiction means always having to say you are sorry and finally, when being sorry is no longer good enough for others who have been repeatedly hurt by the addiction, addiction often means being sorry all alone." Floyd P. Garrett, M.D. [emphasis added]
She is alone from her decisions and her actions.
She is alone from her decisions and her actions.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
Hi RJ and welcome to SR!
I can understand where you are at with your agf. I was there with my xabf. The hardest thing for me to learn and accept was that he could make his own choices and I was not powerful enough to save him. I tired, trust me. He's the only one that could change his life. I also learned, very fortunately, that he would live without me. He was all alone here too, but by the time I left, I realized it was either him or me that was going to live. I chose me.
My xabf threatened to kill himself often. He also always told me that if he did it would be my fault. Then he would tell me he was going to die at a young age and just felt that was what was going to happen because of all the stress of life and our relationship. I was so worried for his life that I would get up in the middle of the night with panic attacks and check to see if he was still breathing as he slept. He caught me doing this once and was furious. What I could not see at the time is that I was just as sick as he was. He was my addiction and he was slowly killing me.
I know this is very hard to do, but you have to focus on what is going to work for you in the future. My xabf promised over and over to get help. Just when I was hooked in again, the games would begin all over.
Hang in there and focus on you. She will make the choices she is going to make whether you are there or not. Also, and I would hate when people told me this, but it's true, my staying allowed him to continue. My own actions told him over and over that no matter what he threw at me, I would take. So, even if he promised to get help and went back on his word, he knew for most of our relationship that I wasn't going anywhere. What power I gave him! They say with alcoholics to listen to their actions, not their words. She is listening to your actions as well.
Big hugs and keep posting!
I can understand where you are at with your agf. I was there with my xabf. The hardest thing for me to learn and accept was that he could make his own choices and I was not powerful enough to save him. I tired, trust me. He's the only one that could change his life. I also learned, very fortunately, that he would live without me. He was all alone here too, but by the time I left, I realized it was either him or me that was going to live. I chose me.
My xabf threatened to kill himself often. He also always told me that if he did it would be my fault. Then he would tell me he was going to die at a young age and just felt that was what was going to happen because of all the stress of life and our relationship. I was so worried for his life that I would get up in the middle of the night with panic attacks and check to see if he was still breathing as he slept. He caught me doing this once and was furious. What I could not see at the time is that I was just as sick as he was. He was my addiction and he was slowly killing me.
I know this is very hard to do, but you have to focus on what is going to work for you in the future. My xabf promised over and over to get help. Just when I was hooked in again, the games would begin all over.
Hang in there and focus on you. She will make the choices she is going to make whether you are there or not. Also, and I would hate when people told me this, but it's true, my staying allowed him to continue. My own actions told him over and over that no matter what he threw at me, I would take. So, even if he promised to get help and went back on his word, he knew for most of our relationship that I wasn't going anywhere. What power I gave him! They say with alcoholics to listen to their actions, not their words. She is listening to your actions as well.
Big hugs and keep posting!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: LCSC
Posts: 13
Time for an update, I guess. It'll be good for me to get it out, at least.
My AGF is still home alone. I'm still staying at my dad's. We have only communicated directly through txt/chat. She's getting worse. She's drunk most of the time. Her cognative behavioral therapist (CBT for short) and her have been speaking, and yesterday AGF actually called a Behavioral Clininc with an alcohol/substance abuse detox/outpatient program, which is something. I told her I'd pay if she'd go. She apparently hadn't slept in over 24 hours, so she said she'd like to sleep and go today (Tuesday).
Well, this morning I laid down some guidelines for me taking her. She would have to be ready and not try to waylay me, I would not come in the apartment, and we would go straight to the Clinic with no side trips (just stop to get food, ect.) She agreed to the conditions, and I left work to go pick her up.
When I got there, I went to our door and knocked. No response. So I broke my condition and opened the door, telling myself not to go any further than the entryway. She was laying on the couch in her bathrobe, empty vodka bottle on the coffee table, watching TV. I asked where her bag was, and she said she hadn't packed one, then she said she needed help packing. I told her I was here to help her, but I wasn't going to pack for her. The look in her eye changed from pathetic to rage in an instant, so I left and came back to work.
Though I feel, once again, like Charlie Brown laying on his back after Lucy pulled the football away. I feel a little better knowing I didn't let her manipulate me too much. I'm starting to think she isn't ready for help. I'm spending far too much mental energy trying to figure out how to get her out of my apartment so I can go back to my life. I know I only have to make it through today, but next week the rent will be due, and I'll have to decide if I want to pay it, or not. I still miss my kittehs terribly, too. I just want to go back to my home, even if she's not there. I feel horrible for considering any legal action to get her removed, but I just don't know what my other options are.
Thanks for listening.
My AGF is still home alone. I'm still staying at my dad's. We have only communicated directly through txt/chat. She's getting worse. She's drunk most of the time. Her cognative behavioral therapist (CBT for short) and her have been speaking, and yesterday AGF actually called a Behavioral Clininc with an alcohol/substance abuse detox/outpatient program, which is something. I told her I'd pay if she'd go. She apparently hadn't slept in over 24 hours, so she said she'd like to sleep and go today (Tuesday).
Well, this morning I laid down some guidelines for me taking her. She would have to be ready and not try to waylay me, I would not come in the apartment, and we would go straight to the Clinic with no side trips (just stop to get food, ect.) She agreed to the conditions, and I left work to go pick her up.
When I got there, I went to our door and knocked. No response. So I broke my condition and opened the door, telling myself not to go any further than the entryway. She was laying on the couch in her bathrobe, empty vodka bottle on the coffee table, watching TV. I asked where her bag was, and she said she hadn't packed one, then she said she needed help packing. I told her I was here to help her, but I wasn't going to pack for her. The look in her eye changed from pathetic to rage in an instant, so I left and came back to work.
Though I feel, once again, like Charlie Brown laying on his back after Lucy pulled the football away. I feel a little better knowing I didn't let her manipulate me too much. I'm starting to think she isn't ready for help. I'm spending far too much mental energy trying to figure out how to get her out of my apartment so I can go back to my life. I know I only have to make it through today, but next week the rent will be due, and I'll have to decide if I want to pay it, or not. I still miss my kittehs terribly, too. I just want to go back to my home, even if she's not there. I feel horrible for considering any legal action to get her removed, but I just don't know what my other options are.
Thanks for listening.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Good on you!
That was a generous offer you made to your AGF. I'm sorry she didn't take you up on the offer. You stood up for yourself and did not give into her helplessness act. That is a healthy step for you.
There are some wonderful stickies at the top of this forum, let me see if I can find the one about helplessness......
Here it is:5. Helplessness and Neediness of Relationship Partners
Maybe you get hooked by the neediness and helplessness of your relationship partners. You find yourself hooked when your partners get into self-pity, "poor me" and "how tough life has been." You find yourself weak when your relationship partners demonstrates an inability to solve personal problems. You find yourself wanting to teach and instruct, when your relationship partners demonstrate or admit ignorance of how to solve problems. You find yourself hooked by verbal and non-verbal cues which cry out to you to "help" your relationship partners even though your partners have the competence to solve the problem on their own. You find yourself feeling warmth, caring and nurturing feelings which help you tear down any shred of boundaries you once had. These sad, weak, distraught, lost, confused and befuddled waifs are so needy that you lose all concept of space and time as you begin to give and give and give. It feels so good. The rational message needed to establish healthy boundaries from this hook is: "No one is helpless without first learning the advantages of being helpless. Helplessness is a learned behavior which is used to manipulate me to give of my resources, energy, time, effort and money to fix. I am a good person if I do not try to fix and take care of my relationship partners when my partners are acting helpless. I cannot establish healthy intimate relationships with my relationship partners if I am trying to fix or take care of them all of the time. I need to put more energy into fixing and taking care of myself if I find myself being hooked by my relationship partners' helplessness."
It is under the Sticky "About Recovery" and then look up "Hooks"
Take care of you!
That was a generous offer you made to your AGF. I'm sorry she didn't take you up on the offer. You stood up for yourself and did not give into her helplessness act. That is a healthy step for you.
There are some wonderful stickies at the top of this forum, let me see if I can find the one about helplessness......
Here it is:5. Helplessness and Neediness of Relationship Partners
Maybe you get hooked by the neediness and helplessness of your relationship partners. You find yourself hooked when your partners get into self-pity, "poor me" and "how tough life has been." You find yourself weak when your relationship partners demonstrates an inability to solve personal problems. You find yourself wanting to teach and instruct, when your relationship partners demonstrate or admit ignorance of how to solve problems. You find yourself hooked by verbal and non-verbal cues which cry out to you to "help" your relationship partners even though your partners have the competence to solve the problem on their own. You find yourself feeling warmth, caring and nurturing feelings which help you tear down any shred of boundaries you once had. These sad, weak, distraught, lost, confused and befuddled waifs are so needy that you lose all concept of space and time as you begin to give and give and give. It feels so good. The rational message needed to establish healthy boundaries from this hook is: "No one is helpless without first learning the advantages of being helpless. Helplessness is a learned behavior which is used to manipulate me to give of my resources, energy, time, effort and money to fix. I am a good person if I do not try to fix and take care of my relationship partners when my partners are acting helpless. I cannot establish healthy intimate relationships with my relationship partners if I am trying to fix or take care of them all of the time. I need to put more energy into fixing and taking care of myself if I find myself being hooked by my relationship partners' helplessness."
It is under the Sticky "About Recovery" and then look up "Hooks"
Take care of you!
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Good for you RJO, I am so glad you did not play hero. I know how difficult it is to start changing your role.
If she really was desperate she would have packed and be ready for the lift. That is what people that want Recovery and Health above anything else in life, do. They do what it takes and they accept help.. many times with humility and gratitude out of sheer desperation.
I vote for not paying her rent. I know its heartbreaking, however remember, you are not the one doing this - she is doing this to herself. Even if she had all the troubles in the world, if she step up to the plate and took some steps to feel better and stop harming the ones closer to her / you would be there helping her, she would have earned your company and trust.
She also has the tools to live better and treat people like people, not tools for personal satisfaction. Unfortunately it seems she is not in her "bottom" yet. And it is unfair to put your own peace and life on hold waiting for something that may never even come.
If she really was desperate she would have packed and be ready for the lift. That is what people that want Recovery and Health above anything else in life, do. They do what it takes and they accept help.. many times with humility and gratitude out of sheer desperation.
I vote for not paying her rent. I know its heartbreaking, however remember, you are not the one doing this - she is doing this to herself. Even if she had all the troubles in the world, if she step up to the plate and took some steps to feel better and stop harming the ones closer to her / you would be there helping her, she would have earned your company and trust.
She also has the tools to live better and treat people like people, not tools for personal satisfaction. Unfortunately it seems she is not in her "bottom" yet. And it is unfair to put your own peace and life on hold waiting for something that may never even come.
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
Originally Posted by RJ0235 
But, I feel guilty because I know she doesn't have anyone in her family who supports or undertands.
The reason she has no family members who "don't understand" is because she's worn them all down and they finally decided they didn't want the chaos and turmoil in their lives.
I have seen this way too often.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
RJ,
Thanks for the great post and the updates.
I happened to open it just at the right time. I am struggling with detaching from my 28 yr old son and each time I make some progress away, I allow myself to be sucked back in. I keep wondering if I should step away if he is struggling with mental illness, so to see that your GF has that and you still know that you need to step away was good for me.
Keep up the good work of setting boundaries and sticking to them. Wow, you're being very strong! Way to go!
I'm going to give it renewed effort today after reading about your encouraging strength. Thanks!
Thanks for the great post and the updates.
I happened to open it just at the right time. I am struggling with detaching from my 28 yr old son and each time I make some progress away, I allow myself to be sucked back in. I keep wondering if I should step away if he is struggling with mental illness, so to see that your GF has that and you still know that you need to step away was good for me.
Keep up the good work of setting boundaries and sticking to them. Wow, you're being very strong! Way to go!
I'm going to give it renewed effort today after reading about your encouraging strength. Thanks!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: LCSC
Posts: 13
The day I wasn't sure would ever come finally did.
I woke up to a coherent e-mail from AGF saying she was ready, packed, showered and dressed. I went by our place, and she actually was! She said she hadn't had a drink in 18 hours. She had the shakes so I believed her. She didn't try to waylay me, and within minutes, we were in the car.
She allowed me to sit in on her evaluation, and I was able to fill in a few blanks, and keep her honest a time or two. A few hours later, we separated, and I went back to our place to do some "cleaning." And of course, to pet my kittehs!
I am trying not to let my hopes get raised too much, but I think I'll ride this high for a while! Visitation starts tonight, so it might not last too long. It will be nice to sleep in my own bed tonight.
I would never have made it this far without all the help and support I received here and in other parts of my life.
THANK YOU ALL!
:ghug
I woke up to a coherent e-mail from AGF saying she was ready, packed, showered and dressed. I went by our place, and she actually was! She said she hadn't had a drink in 18 hours. She had the shakes so I believed her. She didn't try to waylay me, and within minutes, we were in the car.
She allowed me to sit in on her evaluation, and I was able to fill in a few blanks, and keep her honest a time or two. A few hours later, we separated, and I went back to our place to do some "cleaning." And of course, to pet my kittehs!
I am trying not to let my hopes get raised too much, but I think I'll ride this high for a while! Visitation starts tonight, so it might not last too long. It will be nice to sleep in my own bed tonight.
I would never have made it this far without all the help and support I received here and in other parts of my life.
THANK YOU ALL!
:ghug
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