jehnifer

What kind of husband sits there playing his guitar while I bring the groceries in from the car? i dont care if it is fathers day...

and i shouldnt have to say...wanna give me a hand here? maybe to my teenagers but not to my husband who is an adult.

OK I know its my "expectations" getting me in trouble again. but im sorry thats just outright rude.

there i said it.

suki44883

Yep, he's rude alright. I'm mean enough to say it to him though. Maybe that's why I'm not married!

Still Waters

Sigh. I don't expect my cats to help with the groceries.

I'm sticking to cats...they're much more reliable than the man in my life.

suki44883

AMEN, Still Waters!

Well, actually, I don't have a man in my life right now, but if I did....

Still Waters

Well, technically I don't either. One of the many things I'm grateful for today!

jehnifer - something to think about, even if he were in sober recovery, he might still be an unhelpful self-centered jerk.

Freedom1990

I am going to ask again just like I did in your last thread. Just what are you getting out of this marriage?

Is your daughter still unable to have friends over because he pitches a fit like a spoiled kid?

suki44883

Oh...don't get me wrong. I'm most grateful for it, too!

I agree with the self-centered jerk part, too. Just because they stop drinking doesn't mean they become something worth keeping.

jehnifer

thanks everyone!!

i frequently run across the quote "we teach people how to treat us" and I always think about how its my responsibility/fault when things like this happen. and that its really me who needs to change. its really hard to know what exactly to change and how to do it, when it means we need to start to think and behave differently that in the past. awareness is the first step... if i am not careful i can get really down on myself for who i am! but i do know better than to go there for too long.

i want to try harder to speak up, share whats on my mind with him... then a reconsider and think...why bother... oh well. Im gonna be OK.

I love you all so much and just want to say thank you again for the friendship, love and support.

Chrysalis123

Hi, have you considered individual therapy? I ask because I too found I had a lot of changing to do but was very confused about what was on my side of the fence. Counseling helped me TREMENDOUSLY.

cassandra2

Just wanted to throw this out there. Dont know your circumstances but I know that I USED to get angry when people didnt read my mind and offer help when I needed it. But now I ask for help. I make requests. I let others know that I need help. I stopped expecting people to magically "know" that I needed help. That was so freeing for me. When I learned that my unrealistic expectations are pointless (ie: expecting my x to know that I needed something without asking for it) I was able to let go of alot of resentments and anger.

What may be obvious to us may not be as obvious to others.

suki44883

Yeah, maybe he was so wrapped up in his heavenly guitar playing that he didn't notice as you struggled through the house with all those grocery bags.

Ago

The kind that you married evidently

he and his behavior are a result of your choices and your actions

I'd check what Anvil and Freedom had to say actually, i mean I can sit in a hot tub full of sewage and blame the hot tub until the cows come home or I could make the decision to get out of the hot tub.

I have to admit Complaining about others not only gives me a secret feeling of superiority but it takes my own power away so I am a helpless victim, and I don't have to be responsible for my own decisions when I do so, but it's helpful to at least sometimes know I am the one that made the decision to be angry, sit in the hot tub, and :horse

Or I could ask for help with the groceries

Or I could choose to be with someone who would help with the groceries without asking

Or I could just keep coming here and having these fun "men bashing" threads, and be totally surprised when I keep ending up with the same kind of man over and over

or you could just keep doing what you are doing, but don't be surprised when you keep getting what you have been getting.

I mean if nothing changes, nothing changes.

jehnifer

You are so right Ago. thanksf or tellingme what i needed to hear. and thanks to all the other insightful responders as well.

Still Waters

There is absolutely nothing wrong with venting here though, it's therapeutic in many ways. And what may seem like man bashing is really alcoholism bashing....unfortunately for many of us, it's men who are the alcoholics in our lives.

GiveLove

The way to know if it's bashing is to see if you'd be offended if a poster of the opposite sex turned it around.

I'm guessing many might be offended if a man posted, "My dog doesn't help with the groceries either. He's a lot more useful than the woman in my life. I'm sticking to dogs from now on." Or past comments about certain members being glad their male pets are neutered, with the implication that all men should be neutered. Would that sort of thing be tolerated if it were directed at women?

In general, we "bash" and we "vent" when we're hurt and we're trying to regain some sense of control in our lives. But try to remember that our members are of both genders and are equally hurting when they come through the door here. People often read posts long before they get up the nerve to ask for help. Please do your best to keep this from becoming a hostile environment where some don't feel comfortable seeking support - just because they're the "wrong" gender.

suki44883

I apologize if I came across as bashing the men. I love men. It just so happens that this particular post came from a woman. My response would have been much the same if a man had posted that his wife was watching her soaps while he was trying to bathe the kids and get them ready for bed. I gave up being offended by posts on message boards a long time ago. Thin skin doesn't last very long in cyberland. However, after re-reading the thread, I can see how I might have come across as man-bashing and for that, I sincerely apologize. Ago, you are one of my favorite posters and I apologize directly to you if you were offended by any of my remarks.

Still Waters

I certainly would not have been offended if someone had said, "I'm sticking to cats...they're much more reliable than the woman in my life."



Alcoholics are notoriously unreliable.

TrainWreckAgain

For what it is worth, as a guy, I was not offended. If people are being honest and offering the truth that is their world, then I am all for it.

Right now, my dogs ARE more reliable than the woman I fell in love with. She proved that to me again today.

However, I know that there are wonderful women out there.... I just failed to pick one.

Ago

yes

Yes we are

among other things

I am sorry I came across a little harsh on this thread, and I did, what I said about "men bashing" was "reaction" not "recovery, for that, I sincerely apologize.

Still Waters

You have a broken picker too?

:ghug