firestorm090

I started another thread about having a rough night tonight, and as I was reading the replies, it hit me that tonight is no different than the last thirty+ years that I've lived. Even that is not really the truth, for I've always struggled with life and when I discovered booze at age thirteen, I thought I had discovered the magic elixir to ease my existence, the fountain of youth, vitality, intelligence, and the oil that would allow me to finally fit in to a world where I felt so utterly lost and bewildered. I have always thought that booze was the necessary social lubricant for me, my way of sidestepping my social awkwardness, my way of relating to others, especially those whom drank just like me and who found comfort in the oblivion of excessive indulgence. Having led a life that has been dominated by my alcoholic drinking, I now am faced with the fact that I've never overcome the social inadequacies I feel, nor have I learned how to live life without a crutch. It's this time in between that is most disturbing, you know you can't go back, but going forward in a new direction is frightening and confusing, and regardless of the suggestions from others, you still have to look at yourself in the mirror each morning and decide how to adapt to all of this change without running from the reality that is now with you 24/7. I guess this is the turning point mentioned in the Big Book , the point where to go back means certain death, but to keep moving forward in recovery means learning a whole new set of coping skills that will eventually allow one to be comfortable in one's own skin. It's not easy. That's why I'm here tonight, to read, try to learn, and try to understand how others have been able to make this life-altering change. It does help a lot to read about others who are still involved with the daily struggle of alcoholism, and to read the replies of those who are further along the path of recovery. There is hope, even if the hope scares us, it is still there, and truthfully the life of active alcoholism is scarier yet, so I cling to this site like a dying man, as well as my few recovery friends here in town, for although I've always been relatively dead inside, since I can remember, I hope to one day come alive in the spirit of recovery and enjoy the serenity that others here speak of. I'm tired of the struggle, but it seems the only way to remove it is to go through it, till my recovery is stronger and the struggle lessens over time.

I hope this isn't gibberish, I'm just another drunk trying to put an ex in front of the name drunk.

Thanks for letting me share.

lunarise

:ghug3

It certainly does take some time to get comfy with ones self. Ive hit 5 months and while I feel better than I did at one...I am far from finished.
I do have hope that it will get easier.

lunarise

sorry double post

stone

I know what you mean firestorm, I used alcohol/drugs because I couldn't cope and then never learned to cope without them...it is a big job to recover that begins with the physical act of staying away from alcohol. Despite not being able to put much sober time together I am probably coping better than I ever have...I was pretty messed up and still am but things are improving.
I keep tripping myself up by relapsing though, I am reading "Staying Sober-a guide to relapse prevention" at the moment, why I didn't read it before I can't imagine, it is by Gorski and Miller. Here is a link to Gorkis website
Does Relapse Mean Treatment Failure?
I think he is the guy who came up with the concept of Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome.

Seems like we are both feeling a bit down right now but we are sober, lets stay that way.

OZboy

that is a brilliant thread!!! i have this feeling that your "destiny"is to be of
great importance for this world....i can feel it,feel it,feel it...lol. Oz.

firestorm090

Ozboy, I lost your address, so I can't send the twenty dollars I promised you for your reply, lol. Gonna spend it on pizza, you can have a slice or two, lol.

Seriously, thanks for your sentiment, I'd be happy just to be a regular, sober guy.........well, maybe a few million bucks would come in handy, lol.

eddie73

Its going to be hard physically as well as mentally and emotionally. I have no doubt that facing al the b s that drink allowed us to avoid is not easy. I suppose that uve got to keep trying in different ways. Last thing you need to do is think youre beaten.

firestorm090

Hey Phal, you cracked me up, you still remember the ole "half a pizza folded in half" that my wonderful neighbor passed on to me, lol. I had to say a short prayer for that guy today, cause when I went outside and saw him outside as well, I still wanted to go over and smack him, lol. Tried the serenity prayer, it worked, and I went on about my day, just plain ignored him.

In response to your other points, you're right about not taking it all on too fast, so I'm just writing it out for now, just to vent my thoughts to ease the traffic jam in my head, lol. All those drivers up there keep honking and flipping me the bird, lol.

Thanks for the pointer!!

firestorm090

Well, it worked, writing about all these feelings helped me make it through the night without a drink.

Thanks SR, for being the lighthouse amidst the storm.

Hevyn

Firestorm, I could have written most of that post - it got right to the core of things. While we're anesthetizing with booze we aren't growing, learning, or overcoming anything. We're just putting in time. Yet I still remember with longing that warm, relaxing feeling that used to come over me when I had those first few sips. When I'm honest, though, I admit I can't even remember the last time I felt that way. It isn't coming back. Today, trying to recreate that feeling results in anxiety and misery. Even worse - I have no idea where I'm taking myself when I pick up now.

I never would've believed it, but over time I am calm and accepting of the fact that I can't revisit the old days. I spent a few months filled with regret and resentment, but that's all gone now. The person I was meant to be is finally emerging, I stifled her for so long. A new day will dawn for you too.

stone

I think this is what makes a person an alcoholic rather than someone who is hard drinker and maybe got themselves physically addicted, we have abnormal reactions not only to using alcohol but also to not using it.

HideorSeek

Ah, FS, you are a wise man as well as very FUNNY! I agree that this journey into the "unknown" is quite overwhelming (and that, in and of itself, is a trigger for me). But like you said, I have no choice..no option OTHER than to move forward. But slowly and with patience (because, it IS scary). Remember the fable about the tortoise and the hare? It takes all my will (or release of it...lordy why do these paradoxes keep popping up???) sometimes to not want to rush it, check it off (how alcoholic!), be there, already!

Keep up the good fight. What an amazing bunch you all are!

NewBeginning010

Great post FS, thanks

sfgirl

Hey FS-

I know you are struggling with sobriety right now. I just wanted to make a suggestion because it helped me so much. I started drinking at 14, so like you, I grew up on alcohol which basically means when I quit it was like being 14 all over again. I don't know about you but I think seventh grade was the worst grade ever. However, I have a great therapist and have for a long time. I know you do AA, and I am not suggesting therapy as a replacement but as something to supplement it. It has just helped me immensely learn how to identify feelings both about life and about alcohol. I am at 8 months now and while I must say recovery is still hard and I am still growing so much every day and my mood is still fluctuating, I finally am feeling solid about sobriety and have learned to tolerate feeling bad. I can tolerate stress. So maybe now I am 15? Good luck.

tommyk

Fight for a new life. Fight to protect the gains you've made.

Do new things... move forward... if nothing changes, nothing changes.

Here's a guarantee:

You have 100% of the rest of your life in front of you to be the person you want to be.

firestorm090

Thanks tommyK, I think the rest of my life is going to be one fantastic journey, hard at times, but well worth it.

sfgirl, I shutter to think about my "real emotional age", maybe I'm only seven or eight by now, or just a rebellious teenager full of self, and that humbles me to no end. I wonder, if I'm just an emotional teenager, and stop drinking, will I start getting pimples again? I hope not!!

eoghanacht

Firestorm, I'm happy for you, my friend. Even though it was tough, you beat it.
I read your original post (posted at 5-something am), and then this one.
Like I've said to you when you responded to one of my recent posts, you're a brilliant writer. You write so intelligently. Did you go to university? (nope, not talking about the 'university of Life', either).
Anyway, back to what you were going thru: even though I've only been on the wagon for 6 nights now, as I was reading the really long post.. it was like, 'Wow, I feel exactly the same way'. Work that one out.
I know that it is a constant mental battle. Or war. But just remember one thing: we (that is, not just you and me, but all of us on SR)- are in this fight together. We get what we need from others who are going thru exactly the same thing, or who have been thru the same thing. And that's one of the 'keys'.
It may take me or you or any of the others on here months or even years to 'feel' a lot happier in ourselves than what we were before... but it happens, and it is a goal. A goal worth striving for, a goal worth living for, a goal....... worth even fighting for.
You take care. Fight the cravings with whatever you need.
pete