SillyBilly

I had a great workout at the gym this morning. It's amazing how much energy you have when you stop using and start living healthy. Well, not amazing really, it's just common sense, but it's amazing by comparison to a person who spent the last ten years off his face.


I had another breakthrough today. I feel I'm now ready to forgive a person who wronged me in the past. What they did screwed me up big time - I thought I'd NEVER get over it. They pretended to be my best-friend, in order to get close to my partner at the time, in order to make whoopee with her - while I was in the other room.

That is the short version of a very long story.

Now I feel that he wasn't in total control of himself at the time (IV meth user) and all I wish for him now is that he gets his act together. I'm ready to forgive him if he embraces life and stops dicking around like a moron.

On top of that, I feel a similar way about my ex. She was very heavy into the scene when we started 'dating' if you can call it that. She was selling drugs for a bikie gang, no job, sleeping around all the time, doing hard drugs every week - she was a crack wh*** basically.

We spent almost 2 years 'together'. I won't go into the details of the relationship, however I will mention that she stopped selling drugs and got a regular job while we were together. In a way, I was good for her, but I was in no place to really help her at the time - I was a crack head too.

Now I only wish her well, I hope she's either moved forward with her life and not taken me leaving her too hard. She did at first, I know it, but I had to do what was best for me. I was scared.

I just hope that if she's gone back to her old life that one day she does grow up and does the right thing - for her.

She started going to the gym too, right before we broke up, I hope she's still doing it.

In a way I don't even blame her for what happened anymore. I don't blame anybody really. What happened happened, and nothing is going to change that. Besides, my head was in such a messy place I barely paid her any attention in terms of intimacy and pleasure. For the second half of our 'relationship' it was just nice to have someone to keep me company and watch movies with.


However now I feel I'm really moving forward and becoming an adult. My drinking and drugging was holding me back. The butterfly effect has begun. I'm noticing positive changes in the people around me already.

OZboy

hi Billy,this sober business can sure be a hoot!!!

Dee74

Good to see you're still upbeat Billy.

Pace yourself tho - from my experience and a lot of other here, after 8 days just focusing on yourself and staying sober is probably enough for now. Someone posted on here the other day that recovery isn't always a linear process, and I agree - it's the plain truth we all have harder days and tougher times - its good to keep an eye out for that

I found myself and my attitudes constantly evolving in early recovery - give yourself time to rediscover who you are SB - I reckon you'll be glad you did

D

SillyBilly

I know ozboy. But I don't always post everything. I love to share my success and and progress with everyone. I feel that will help people the most (at this stage anyway) - as much as it helps me. But I will keep an eye out, don't you worry. You will all have to listen when things start getting harder, I'm glad you're all prepared for that.

Today at work I had a lousy 2 hour patch where I felt angry, wanted to storm out of the office and hit the closest bar. But I've come too far now. I just rode it through and as soon as the 'craving' passed I was back to my usual upbeat self.

PS I used the anger to my advantage, turned it into confidence and cockiness, and the people on the other end on the phone didn't give me one bit of cheek .. except this one guy but I think he was stoned .. and his friend in the background sounded drunk. I wasn't rude to anyone, just very stern and to the point. It worked in my favour and I actually managed to pull off some killer service times. Plus one for me.


Dee I'm sorry but I'm going to have to disagree. In my experience, things in life, including recovery, happen exponentially. Especially if you push for it. I'm taking a break from the gym tomorrow, but I have no intention of slowing down - I'm only 22 remember.

I am still doing one thing at a time. Now that my detox period is over, I'm focusing on work and exercise. Once I have a solid workout routine where I feel comfortable and my body is used to it - this could take anywhere from 2 weeks to 8 weeks - and I'm on on fire in the workplace, then I'll bring something else into the equation. Dance lessons maybe? Or turntablism? The world is my oyster, and I intend to gobble up & consume it all.


Thanks for the kind words Classical. Yes I have considered the single thread option, it has already crossed my mind several times. I guess I'll know when the time is right to move on from counting the days. I still feel like I'm going through withdrawal. Not physically now, but there is certain to be some degree of 'psychological withdrawal' of which I have no idea how long to expect that to last.

I've noticed those 'Class of (insert month here)' threads. I wondered what they were all about. I know I must help myself first before I help anyone else - and I intend to. The time will come where I can start focusing less on me and focus more on newcomers to the forum and face-to-face meetings.

That could be 6 months from now. I'm being realistic. I plan to move interstate and study at uni next year. The next 6 months are dedicated to bettering myself.


Thanks for your post mate - all the kind words and support really help, thank you guys

Anna

Hi Billy,

It's good to hear you're doing well!

However, I don't think you put conditions on forgiving someone. Forgiveness is something you do for yourself, to lessen the burden of pain that you are carrying around with you. In my opinion, it shouldn't be followed by an 'IF he...'. Forgiving someone will enable you to move on with your life.

And, I agree with you that it's important to not blame people, including ourselves, for what happened in our lives. It's hard to do, but it lightens the load.

SillyBilly

Good morning world

It's Sunday and I have to work 9 til 5. What a bummer.

Thanks for your input anna. I can see what you're trying to say and I totally get it.

I can still forgive him AND pray that he works his issues out.

Without using the words "If he..."

Thank you for taking the time.

martha27

billy, i find forgiving other people fairly easy, but its forgiving myself for some of the things I did that I find the most painful, last night I forced myself to remember some of my behaviour and people that I had hurt years ago, although I can intellectually forigve myself, in my heart I am still having a hard time accepting that I even behaved the way I did. I hurt a lot of people (particularly men) and I behaved like a complete dweeb. Some of the stunts I pulled actually make me fele sick when I think about them. Someone had a thread here recently "worst memories" Icannot even face them, let alone write them. Do you forgive youself?

eddie73

SillyBilly, what a brilliant message, I think forgiveness is the key to being at peace with yourself. This struck me like an arrow when I read your post. Forgiving is the most difficult thing a human can do, and if you can do this, anything is possible.