on the brink
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: appleton, WI
Posts: 65
on the brink
i'm very new to sobriety. it's the hardest thing i've ever taken on. i have to do it right this time. i'm on the brink of losing everything dear to me because of my drinking. my wife told me today she was praying for the strength to leave me. i don't blame her but hearing her say that has really ripped me apart. she doesn't care to hear my appologies anymore. again, can't blame her. it's the same thing every day. i started taking antabuse awhile back and i even drank while on that knowing that it could be potentially fatal. that's how much control alcohol has over me. i've found a really good sponsor and have been attending aa. i want to stay positive but i really cannot imagine beating this. i feel very alone but can blame no one but myself. i wish they made more severe versions of antabuse. for example: if you drink while taking this medication your testicles will fall off. my will is the weakest i've ever known. i'm going through the 12 steps with my sponsor and it's all been very positive and uplifting. i still have my doubts that i'll beat this disease. it's good to be on this page and at meetings to be reminded that i'm not alone.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
Best thing to remember is to take it one day at a time. Don't think about tomorrow, just don't drink today. If you break it down into small steps you CAN beat this addiction. Stay close to your meetings and your sponsor and this site. I get a lot of help here and treasure my friends here. They support me in this battle and it gives me a lot of strength.:ghug2
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,051
Originally Posted by janitorking 
my wife told me today she was praying for the strength to leave me. i don't blame her but hearing her say that has really ripped me apart. she doesn't care to hear my appologies anymore. again, can't blame her.
Welcome to SR janitorking, you're in a good place with great people. Keep using your sponsor and taking those Steps until you're finished, and practice them every day. If you're really having those doubts, just bring your body for now and the mind will follow.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
Welcome to SR janitorking 
I didn't feel I would ever 'beat this thing' either - I felt weak and I felt like alcohol owned me too. I drank all day everyday. I lost everything.
For me, like others have said, I broke things down - 'I will not drink today', this hour, this minute. I got myself a support network - and used it.
I tried my best to change myself, and my life, to fill the void in me that I'd tried to fill with alcohol.
I trusted other ppl who told me, if I stuck it out, it would get better if I didn't drink - and it didn't happen overnight - but it really did get better.
Two years on I'm doing ok. I don't feel weak or enslaved anymore.
And the relationships I ruined are healing - people can see I've changed
You're not alone Janitorking - and you can do this
D
I didn't feel I would ever 'beat this thing' either - I felt weak and I felt like alcohol owned me too. I drank all day everyday. I lost everything.
For me, like others have said, I broke things down - 'I will not drink today', this hour, this minute. I got myself a support network - and used it.
I tried my best to change myself, and my life, to fill the void in me that I'd tried to fill with alcohol.
I trusted other ppl who told me, if I stuck it out, it would get better if I didn't drink - and it didn't happen overnight - but it really did get better.
Two years on I'm doing ok. I don't feel weak or enslaved anymore.
And the relationships I ruined are healing - people can see I've changed
You're not alone Janitorking - and you can do this
D
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 118
Man, I'm right there with you, except my wife's prayers were answered and she left me. It's no fun. It hurts worse than anything. Avoid that if you can.
I'm only 30 days in myself, and I know that it's difficult. Good luck to you.
I'm only 30 days in myself, and I know that it's difficult. Good luck to you.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
Hi Janitorking,
You are definitely not alone.
I didn't think I could stop drinking either, and for awhile, I wasn't sure I wanted to stop.
There is hope, there is so much hope.
You will find lots of support here, so keep reading and posting.
You are definitely not alone.
I didn't think I could stop drinking either, and for awhile, I wasn't sure I wanted to stop.
There is hope, there is so much hope.
You will find lots of support here, so keep reading and posting.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,564
Hi Janitorking - it's wonderful you've found us. The not being alone thing is what saved me. I don't have anyone in my life who gets it - no one's an alkie but me, so they look on it as a character flaw, a weakness, not a disease.
Don't be discouraged by how you feel now. As Dee said, it gets better. In the beginning I wondered what I'd gotten myself into, I didn't feel hopeful or encouraged, just sick and desperate. That anxiety has all passed now. If a veteran alkie with 25 yrs. plus of heavy drinking can say this to you, then you know YOU can make it. When your wife sees you are serious and watches you heal, things can turn around. Sending love & hope your way.
Don't be discouraged by how you feel now. As Dee said, it gets better. In the beginning I wondered what I'd gotten myself into, I didn't feel hopeful or encouraged, just sick and desperate. That anxiety has all passed now. If a veteran alkie with 25 yrs. plus of heavy drinking can say this to you, then you know YOU can make it. When your wife sees you are serious and watches you heal, things can turn around. Sending love & hope your way.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Tucson, AZ
Posts: 957
(((Janitorking)))
You are so not alone. Many here have and are still struggling as you. Do not drink today. Call your sponsor, go to another meeting. Do whatever it takes to keep what you are trying to hold onto.
As Hevyn writes and I agree:
When your wife sees you are serious and watches you heal, things can turn around. Sending love & hope your way.
You are so not alone. Many here have and are still struggling as you. Do not drink today. Call your sponsor, go to another meeting. Do whatever it takes to keep what you are trying to hold onto.
As Hevyn writes and I agree:
When your wife sees you are serious and watches you heal, things can turn around. Sending love & hope your way.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 118
Man, I'm right there with you, except my wife's prayers were answered and she left me. It's no fun. It hurts worse than anything. Avoid that if you can.
I'm only 30 days in myself, and I know that it's difficult. Good luck to you.
I'm only 30 days in myself, and I know that it's difficult. Good luck to you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Tucson, AZ
Posts: 957
((Surviveit,))
So sorry to hear that!
Congrads on the 30 days, you're doing great.
Who knows, maybe the wife will come back after seeing how hard you are working.
Sending love, support and hope your way.
So sorry to hear that!
Congrads on the 30 days, you're doing great.
Who knows, maybe the wife will come back after seeing how hard you are working.
Sending love, support and hope your way.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,279
Welcome to SR janitorking, I look forward to hearing more about you. I have been thinking of seeing my doctor for a prescription of antabuse as as an insurance policy for my early recovery.
Do you mind sharing your experience with antabuse with us, it would be helpful.
I read this article today & thought it was good. Antabuse-Disulfiram Facts for Alcoholism and Addiction
Take care & all of the best in your recovery
NB
Do you mind sharing your experience with antabuse with us, it would be helpful.
I read this article today & thought it was good. Antabuse-Disulfiram Facts for Alcoholism and Addiction
Take care & all of the best in your recovery
NB
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: CA desert
Posts: 1,599
Hi jk,
Gosh, I'm glad we don't lose the ole family jewels with antabuse, I have a bottle in my cupboard the doc suggested I use, but I have yet to open. I knew I would drink on them too, so I left them alone.
There are so many great folks here at SR who can truly help with the struggle to get off this stuff before it kills us. I've written some really strange stuff here, yet they see how sick I am and still allow me to stick around. People really do care, I bet your wife still cares more than you know, but she's discouraged too. You understand that, and the people here understand that, as well as how tough it is to get our lives on totally different paths. So, here's a suggestion, one that I'm going to try myself and you may want to consider. Stay glued to this site, or go to as many meetings as you can for awhile and just listen. You may find some help for the struggle and meet some people who can support you personally while you try to adapt to this new way of life.
Welcome.
Gosh, I'm glad we don't lose the ole family jewels with antabuse, I have a bottle in my cupboard the doc suggested I use, but I have yet to open. I knew I would drink on them too, so I left them alone.
There are so many great folks here at SR who can truly help with the struggle to get off this stuff before it kills us. I've written some really strange stuff here, yet they see how sick I am and still allow me to stick around. People really do care, I bet your wife still cares more than you know, but she's discouraged too. You understand that, and the people here understand that, as well as how tough it is to get our lives on totally different paths. So, here's a suggestion, one that I'm going to try myself and you may want to consider. Stay glued to this site, or go to as many meetings as you can for awhile and just listen. You may find some help for the struggle and meet some people who can support you personally while you try to adapt to this new way of life.
Welcome.
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