HoopNinja

Last time I posted was when AH decided he was going to get therapy (no mention of recovery--said he needed to go to a pschiatrist and psychologist first to resolve long unresolved issues from his childhood and family). I'm happy he is doing that. The psychiatrist prescribed campral. He of course redefined what was in the small print--or made it fit his situation better because he still wanted to drink. He told me it said IF he started to drink again he should tell his psychiatrist and then stop.

So, at home he has not been drinking anything that I know of--but I'm not looking. Last night was our older son's first Little League game. AH was at work (he is a musician and was playing a weekly gig he plays at a restaurant--he plays in the bar). The game was over, older DS was pumped because he got to play baseball on a real team with all the equipment and got to play
1st base and he got 3 GUYS OUT (DID I SEE THAT?!!). Definitely something to celebrate. So I told him we should go out for dessert. He wanted to get one of his favorites--which happens to be at a diner right across the street from where AH was workiing. Of course when DS was done he wanted to go tell Dad all about the game and everything he did. So we marched across the street and there is AH sitting at a table taking his break with a glass of vodka in front of him. I know AH well enough to know that if there are 2 lime slices in his glass that is the 2nd one he is working on.

I have not asked, but he has been telling me that he is NOT drinking when he goes to gigs. He is keeping it professional. He has even been coming home with his dinner right after this weekly gig instead of hanging out--so I think-- well, he is giving it a shot.

AH introduced us to some of his regulars and they all talk about how AH had just been talking about older DS's first Little League game--blah, blah, blah. I say, time to go (it was late and even before I saw the vodka I had told the kids it was a quick pit stop because we needed to get home because they needed to go to bed). AH says he will walk us to the door and I blew it--I could not just walk away. I just shook my head and looked at him and asked him what the heck he thought he was doing. Then I walked away pi**ed as all get out.

He came home (dinner in hand) about an hour later and starts to tell me he was only having his after drink work (and I am thinking to myself--gee, no wonder you have been trying so hard to get so many night gigs lately--and here I thought it was to actually help the family financially-nope it was more than likely so he could get his "after work drink"). By then I decided to butt out (although I was still angry) and he starts to tell me I am trying to control him and that if he wants his after work drinks he is going to have them--that he has proved he can drink "just some". I did not mention the campral or the fact that he has been lying to me for the last 2 months (lies of ommission don't count for him--which makes me wonder how much dope he is smoking during the day while I am at work).

Here is where I say a great big huge THANK YOU to ALL of you. Because while he was going on and on about after work drinks (that don't count I guess), and all the other stuff he was blathering on about I started to hear in my mind quack, quack, quack, quack, quack. . .and turned around and told him he was right, I could not control him and did not want to control him. However, I am in control of myself. Then walked away, put the kids to bed, let the dog out and then put him to bed, and went and laid on the couch and read a good book I had picked up from the library a couple days ago until I fell asleep.

HoopNinja

anvil-I know, but I have come to the realization there is no point in showing AH something like that because I read differently than he does--or at least when I read it I process it differently and it has a completely different meaning when AH reads it. To me it means-don't drink or don't bother taking this stuff if you are going to drunk. I believe to AH it means the next time he goes to she his psychiatrist he should tell him he is drinking. I am assuming he has not mentioned the dope. But again, I have no idea what he is telling the people he is seeing. I do know when we went to marriage counseling many years ago he went down the lies of omission road. There really is no point going to therapy if you aren't going to tell the truth. Might as well go talk to the wall--it's a heck of a lot cheaper.

HoopNinja

Sorry anvil--my brain is going in several directions today.
AH smokes pot.
Well, I still have my money for my lawyer. I am in the process of moving our younger son into a preschool closer to where I work (and we currently live)-which is also less expensive and will save me 3 hours of driving time a day (there and back at the beginning of the day, there and back at the end of the day). I sort of put the divorce on hold because I have been trying to get an IEP for our older son and he is having neuropsychologicial testing done for the next 3 weeks and I did not want him stressing out during the testing.
I did start looking for homes/townhouses in the same school district today. Townhouses are a lot cheaper but I worry about having a neighbor attached to me that I may not like. Also, I am waiting to find out if I am going to get laid off--which I hopefully will find out by mid-July--since that would impact what I can afford.
The good thing in all of this (is there can be) is that AH had not been working much but now has been-thus proving he is capable of finding work and having an income. I did find out when I talked to the lawyer that the court can force him to find work (AH is very particular about the type of work he will do). I guess they look at his earning potential, and the fact that he quit a job with a high rate of pay AND the fact that he has been making close to that in the last few months since he started making an effort to find work, and say--I see you are capable with your high degree of education to make this much money but you are only making this much money. If you are not working full-time please explain why. Then the judge can actually order him, like they do with unemployment, to actively seek work.
OK, got off the point--but the point is--though I was in a holding pattern I did not give up my resources for separation.

Still Waters

The mental manipulation they use on themselves is astounding. If we weren't so close to the devastation it leaves, it would be amusing.

My AH was on Naltrexone for years, never once quit drinking. It was to help him "cut back". Then when things got sticky, he signed himself up for "relapse classes". Relapse? You gotta stop first to have a relapse right??

I'm sure that he felt, in his own head, that he was working hard at it.

HoopNinja

It is kind of scary how his mind works--it's like decoding DNA--with him being the only scientist who can do it because it is a special DNA.

I agree, there is absolutely no point in arguing because the logic is so contorted that I often find myself with that HUH? look on my face.

anvil I hope the test goes well for older DS too. He amazes me to no end. In the last 3 years has done more to help himself than AH has in his entire lifetime. I'm not an addict but I look at DS and what he is doing is like walking through fire on a bed of nails and I look at AH and think he is a punk with an 8 year old son who has more guts than him. I have to say when I went with DS to the initial evaluation I almost cried. The doc took out books about the brain and explained to DS why things happen they way they do for him. DS's self esteem went up 1000% because he now knows if he keeps trying--he can get better. DS was in a Russian orphanage for the first 13 months of his life and due to severe neglect his brain did not wire (for lack of a better word) correctly. So it takes nothing for him to go into fight or flight mode and once he is there it is very hard for him to come down--because as a baby no one held him and he never learned how to "self regulate" as they call it. In other words--he did not learn how to calm himself down because someone was there to help him.

Came home from work today and DS was in a state because AH decided to be mad at me (funny how he was so nice the last 2 months and as soon as I find out he has been drinking reverts back to his nasty old self)--but I was not available as a target so he started to yell at DS (he is a bast**d). Then he tries to blame DS and tells me DS is trying to keep the 2 of us apart (boing, there goes the brain trying to figure that one out).

It is back to the lawyer on Monday. It is very apparent he is not serious and now that he has been found out life with him will rapidly return to turmoil. DS was not supposed to go to camp the next 2 weeks because of the testing--I need to find some where else for him to be while I am at work because I am not leaving him with AH. I think I will call the girl across the street who babysits for us and see if she would like to earn some extra cash for the next 2 weeks.

MeHandle

I thought you were posting it for the rest of us who may be uninformed about such drugs. I like information posts where other people do the homework and share. :-)

Thanks anvilhead, I appreciate the new insight and info for my brian.

love tammy

FSquared

Drinking is drinking. There is no "controlling" it for an alcoholic...like having and "after work drink". For what?

marshallzhukov

A note on Campral - it is by no means a silver bullet, and there is no evidence, either empirical or anecdotal, that it in fact has any efficacy in treating alcoholism. The truth of the matter is that if your husband is still willing to put himself in situations where there is a lot of drinking, like bars where he might be doing a gig, and if he is rationalizing drinking himself by saying "well it is just an after work drink" then obviously he is not ready to stop.
You might tell him to save his money on a psychiatrist. Any psychiatrist that is actually competent is going to tell him that until he stops drinking there is nothing that he can do to resolve issues about his childhood/past trauma, etc. On the other hand he may just be lying to the psychiatrist about how much he drinks, in which case the meetings are still useless.
I am glad that you have taken the necessary proactive steps to avoid getting dragged into his insanity.