TakingCharge999

Today I am tired but with a sense of calm.

I was walking towards work and a guy in a bike gave me some "cat calls"... it always makes me angry but NOW it was like a kick...and I shouted to him.. IDIOT!!!! I wanted to blast him with something... I totally "enganged" and now feel angry

I am totally ready to overreact to anything today so I will try not to interact much



I may go to sleep to my apartment during lunch hour.. fortunately I live nearby... and just grab a quick sandwich on my way back...

I hope these are the last grief waves, its truly exhausting and I thought perhaps it was my own martyrdom, but no, its real pain. I hope it subsides soon.

This is horrible and my heart goes to all of you my friends, I do not know how many of you draw so much strength.

I decided to be alone this weekend, working, tending to my own affairs and not see anyone. I need my space.

It did not help yesterday that I was busy at 10PM and the new guy called.. I was very stressed. We hung up the phone angry. I do not need extra drama as of now - I got enough with mine. I am thinking breaking up with the new guy. I am sick and I am not of those people that make a new person heal past wounds. I do not like to use people.

Hope he understands.

Still Waters

:ghug

Hang in there TakingCharge, it'll get better.

cmc

I hope that some rest and the self-care that you have planned will give yout the 'break' that you need right now. After a busy day filled with lots of emotions and stress I find that HALT is what I need to keep in mind. I need to tend to 'me' too and remember that my serenity can fly out the window if I'm too Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired; or any other _Thing_ (fill in the blank) that can drain away my daily supply of joy and strength.

Hugs...

Romey4

TC, you're not alone on your emotional rollercoaster....Today I'm sitting in the seat next you.

BIG HUGE HUG

peace

Romey

TakingCharge999

Thanks for the kind words.

Hugs to you too, Romey...

We will get "there" eventually...

catlady61

TC, Sorry you are feeling down, I hope you feel better soon.

Romey4

I sure hope so...that and to figure out just where the heck "there" is. RRAAAAAAAARR

laurie6781

TC something that took me some time to learn .................................... I had to put away the

Shoulda
Coulda
Woulda

and stop putting so much pressure on myself. I had to learn to GIVE MYSELF PERMISSION to feel bad about the situation I was coming out of. All those thoughts in my head of

I should be over this by now
Maybe if I would have done things differently
I could have done this instead of that

etc

Well, once I gave myself permission, I cried for several days, then did it again a week later, and somehow the tears helped wash a lot of my 'regrets' and 'anger' at myself away.

To me it was working through the grieving process.

It's good that you are taking this weekend as "ME TIME." Now while you are having your "Meeeeeeeeee Tiiiiiiiimmmmmmeeeeee" remember to be good to you. Take a nice bubble path. Read a book you have been wanting to read, indulge a bit in your favorite ice cream or chocolate, lol you get the idea. Pamper yourself! I found that by doing that it can do wonders for my mental health, so I hope it works on yours too.

You are getting there, you are getting past this, honest. 'We' can probably see it better than you can, but YOU ARE!!!!!!!!

It does get better and the light at the end of the tunnel does get brighter, I promise.

Love and hugs,

TakingCharge999

Ah thank you, for all your words of encouragement... much much needed

Romey: "there" is a place where I am at peace with the past and the daily triggers do not mess up with my serenity... where I can live and enjoy the present moment and my blessings TODAY (not my hurts in 1985, 2004 and 2008, where I am living constantly)

Forgiveness seems too far away yet, so I won't mention it ...
The day when I come across AH+enabler and I feel totally indifferent, I will make such a huge party the police will come to my place... right now it feels like such an impossibility...

Laurie: Thank you, I cannot take bubblebaths as I have no tub!! but I can do a lot of yoga and hear the rain... I will try not to be a hermit and send emails to dear friends of the past, that knew me before I knew alcoholism.. I got a friend from Finland that got in touch with me last week and I would like to send him a really nice email and remember my great time there, something no one ever will take away from me. I think those were my happiest times in my life so far, I was free and had no attachments to anyone, I trusted God... I wonder where that woman went?? I want her back

anvil: LOL... yes, I guess right now its "anywhere but this". I wonder why for some of us mourning takes months, or years (I think this will last more than a year) and AH can "move on" and forget it all in a week? how is that possible? I do not get it. But then I do not get AHs. I am planning on going to AA tonight, it always helps me realize what I saved myself from. I am always teary there but they are a nice bunch and I hope I can talk to someone after the meeting, a new voice and yet another reminder of how God has other plans for me and I do not deserve abusers.

In 3 weeks I will be visiting my sister and mom in France, I will buy some things to my sister and a little detail to Mom... I am hanging just to go there and see them, I hope it helps me get out of my context. I will be there for 10 days...

AllCheese

Greetings and HUGS from the Land of Cheese, TC!!! Still can't seem to really get up the nerve to post here; I just read a lot & draw strength. Your posts have special meaning to me, as I have seen how much you've struggled the past few months, and have gone up & down on that roller coaster. Sorry it's such a bad day!

I too, am going through a bit of a rough patch w/XABF, but am trying to stay strong and just BREATHE...I'm the kind of gal that can get pretty physically wound up at the drop of a hat (heart racing, sweating, all that), and so just taking a minute to fully breathe helps me get centered just a little bit.

I hope your weekend will be great!

TakingCharge999

Thanks AllCheese, posting helps a lot, no one here judges you.

This is getting bumpier, the worse thing is that its only in my mind and heart, its so lonely. A few moments before, xAH's best friend came over to my place and noticed my swollen eyes, he told me he does not like to see me suffering and well I am not sure what to do with him... we used to go walk at 6AM to a pretty park but just his presence triggers me so much nowadays. Perhaps I will distance myself from him for a while, I know he will understand...

I do not even have the excuse to be living with AH still. He has someone new and I have someone new, too. But I realize for me having someone or no one makes no difference, I need to keep my inner work up, I won't hurt and keep hurting... bringing my trash to someone new.. to my new relations.. its just not fair.. to ME

This sick obssession keeps creeping in. I am realizing my shock may not be a stage but a permanent companion, I don't think I will ever "get" how AH changed so much in a matter of.. one month? Probably I did not even know him, but all the months before he created such a wonderful performance I believed it all and I feel so stupid for that.. never before have I felt so helpless, stuck and lonely. This disease is horrible.

Its difficult to reconcile what I read here and lived myself (the progression, jekyll and mr hyde syndrome) with what I see daily about him.. (not looking for it but its such a small place..ughh) arriving early to work, smilier than ever (guess he is happy now that someone provides him sex, applauds and motivates his drinking), keeps the job, friends sometimes comment he has a problem but wed night they are sharing the beers with him, travels, interacts with me with smiley icons as if nothing ever happened and it was all just a bad dream... and I go back to denial thinking I am really the only one around that knows the truth. I realized I am the first "loss" on his drunken career. I foolishly thought losing me was going to change something its so hard not to take it personal. And to know his problem is true when everything looks so smooth in his life. I feel like the first casualty of war.

Anyway I am done analyzing stuff... and this weekend I will just FEEL whatever it is and say "God, only you know how these makes any sense, I can just offer to be open to whatever is in store for me today and try to take better care of myself" that's all I can do now

Thanks for letting me vent so much today

Crazy4Him

Are you me? Thank you for writing this.

TakingCharge999

Well, I survived today's work. If I can get to my car without running into xAH I will be grateful.

Ready to curl up in a ball and sleep until tomorrow.

Will send a message to the new guy and a girl friend I got: please give me some space this weekend. I need it. Cheers.

It is strange, now I just feel numb. And I have been able to concentrate on work. Seems peace and tranquility are rewards for yesterday... I do not feel like crying anymore.

I hope you have a great weekend, I am sure I will keep lurking and posting, you all make me feel less alone and hopeful

ReadyToHelp

Hi TakingCharge!

Wow, you are/were on an emotional roller coaster. Me, too!

But take things one at a time. Each thought stampedes through the mind and takes over emotions. I felt like this after my weekend away.

On Monday I slept late. On Tues and Wed I didn't want to get up at all. But, Wed I started listening to Anthony Robbins. Yep. Motivational stuff. Well, I know how much we operate like Pavlov's dogs. We associate things with things. We just do.

So, I thought about what I associate my XABF with. I'd say "The Ultimate Relationship" pretty much says it all. And "My Identity". But what if I changed my associations. So, everytime a bell rings, I stop feeding myself. I do something else. Eventually, I'll stop salvating.

Once you create strong associations with your A, the kind that make you know it's okay that you know the truth, it's ok that objects in the mirror are not actually what they seem like, it's ok that you are moving on, and it'll be okay when you stop loving him. You are not responsible.

You're going to have a great time in France. What a great opportunity to cleanse your mind and spirit! You can laugh, cry, and just BE. Just be. No analysis, no delcarations, no shoulda's, coulda's or woulda's.

I wish you the best of luck in healing. I'm going to post an update on how I'm trying to find myself, so I hope you take a look at it. I've found myself feeling VERY angry, which is unlike me, and very lost, which is also unlike me. But I think I've found the way out of it.

Good luck and have a great time away!!

READY!

sandrawg

OMG, I SOOO understand where you're at.

My XABF is coming over to get his stuff-I broke up with him Monday for doing coke while he was totally wasted. He knew cocaine was my dealbreaker.

Now he's talking about making changes and stopping drinking, but he only says "for a while"...and I meanwhile have to stick to my guns and end it.

I've been crying the last half an hour and he's supposed to be here at 7. I don't know how to handle this. I honestly feel this sense of desperation, pain and extreme loss...I feel like I will be in the same situation as you, and that losing me won't make a difference at all. I think he's going to go back to the same habits, the same environment, the same drinking buddies...I would never tell him that, though.

No one around me understands this kind of pain. They think what was I thinking, to give him so many chances. Why would I get involved w/someone who drinks so much and does coke. They don't see the other positive sides of him.

I too have taken things personally. I couldn't believe he couldn't CHOOSE me over cocaine. I can't imagine he can even comprehend the sense of loss I feel.

I wish I had an answer for you.

ReadyToHelp

HI Sandrawg,

I know it's hard, but get yourself a few self help books on addiction (for family members) and on self-esteem. And spend time at this website reading the messages. Educate yourself and know the truth about this kind of stuff. It's awful. And addicts can become ruthless and hurting themselves and making you nuts.

Addicts choose their drug over all. Even health. So, of course your XBF is going to choose coke over you. If he doesn't care about his life, then what else is there?

You're dealing with a chemical addiction that he's got - nothing like we could ever understand. I can't imagine feeling the urge to drink ice cold water and multiply it by a million. And how it feels to have your insides involved in the craving. Your skin. Your thoughts are of nothing but that water. You would steal for it. Hmmm. We just can't go that far with the understanding.

I'm sure he's come and gone by now, and I hope you're ok. Crying is definitely your best friend for a little while. Cry and let it out. But make sure you stay healthy. Eat, drink water, go to work and do a good job, pay your rent. This hurts a lot, but it's not worth you losing what you've worked so hard to create for yourself.

GOOD FOR YOU for sticking to your word. The best thing you can do for HIM is to let him go. The best thing you can do for YOURSELF is to let him go. As bad as it feels, it's good for the both of you.

My XABF moved out on June 1st. It was hard, but after a few binges, it wasn't that hard. I loved him, but I guess I loved who I wanted him to be. Either way, his character turned me off quite a bit - who he became when he drank, how he lied about his drinking, how he lied about a lot of things... I just didn't deserve all that bad drama. He was The Love of My Life, so I'm working on letting go of that 20-year long fantasy.

I wish you the best of luck. I wish I had the magic potion to make it all better. If I did have it, I'd have it all locked up for myself, store it away in case it wore off of my Sweetheart. Then again, I'd have to get the other potions for hypocrites, freeloaders and sarcastic people. Jealous and controlling, too. Goodness, I think it would be more cost effective to just buy a dog than try to fix him beyond the alcoholism.

;-)

Good luck.

READY!