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Families and recovery

Old 06-19-2009, 08:13 AM
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Families and recovery

Perhaps I should have put this in Family and Friends, but I'm hoping my wife chooses to go there, and I want her to have it to herself.

I'm at about 4-1/2 months (137 days, but who's counting?). My sobriety is doing pretty well, but years of neglect at home, especially in the financial realm, has left us in some hot water with such fun groups as the IRS. My wife is very stressed out and upset, and I cannot blame her. If not totally my fault, I am the chief culprit. The AA fellowship, however, has given me a sense of hope that I lacked before. Unfortunately, my wife lacks that hope.

A few months ago, I asked her to read the Big Book chapter to wives, and to check-out an AlAnon meeting or two. She did not take me up on either suggestion. This morning we had a very tough discussion, where I acknowledged that she has every right to be upset and to be angry with me. That said, we need to deal with the situation.

I again raised the idea of AlAnon, and she replied angrily that she has too much going on in her life to do anything about my sobriety. I agreed, and told her that AA, God, and I have my sobriety in hand. But, I also suggested that AlAnon is less about helping her to help me, and more about helping her with counsel, tools, and support with her own challenges. She has a tough time seeing or believing this. She reluctantly agrees that my decades of drinking have caused a series of dysfunctions in the family (fortunately none too bad), and that resolving them -- e.g. a very self-centered 22-year-old who still hasn't gotten a job a year after graduating from a quite expensive college, and who makes my wife's life hell with her demands and whining.

Am I missing something here? My understanding is that AlAnon is for her and the family, not necessarily to help with my sobriety, but to help with our strengthening the family.

Help!?!
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Old 06-19-2009, 08:21 AM
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For me, I think you should stop pushing your wife to go to AlAnon. It seems very similar to someone pushing you to stop drinking. It doesn't work. You have told her about it, and you can leave it up to her to seek support at AlAnon if she chooses. Each of us are on our own path.

And, be patient. It takes time to undo some of the messes that we have made while caught up in addiction.
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Old 06-19-2009, 08:26 AM
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Ok what you are missing is:

You cannot FIX your wife. Just as she could NOT get you to stop drinking, you cannot get her to go to Al-anon.

You've given her the information ...................................... just as I am sure that somewhere in your drinking career she imparted useful information to you, and you did nothing until you were 'sick and tired of being sick and tired.'

Continue to keep your side of the street clean, keep doing the footwork, and slowly the messes you have made over the years will clear up. Your ACTIONS will show her much more than your words.

IF, you continue to work on your own recovery, continue to work with your sponsor, do your steps, incorporate those steps into your daily living, work with others, etc etc etc your life WILL GET BETTER. Of that I am certain. And your life will become different than anything you ever dreamed also.

J M H O from my own ES&H.

CONGRATS on your 137 days!!!!!!!!!

Love and hugs,
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Old 06-19-2009, 08:26 AM
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i won't say whether you are missing something or not, call your sponsor about that.

If you are in finacial trouble, maybe you should seek out the advice from some professionals on that. Same with your "problems" in the relationship, express your willingness to begin attending family therapy with professionals and leave it at that. You should not be forcing anything on anyone for any reason at any time! The more you try to control someone else's life, the more unmanageable you make your own life. Would the results of doing that really be worth it to you? Please relax, trust the God of your understanding to help you both and continue to share about your part in all this. What she does or does not do is irrevelant to your sobriety and your recovery, is it not?
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Old 06-19-2009, 11:17 AM
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I would say to focus on your own recovery.. and of course normal life stuff like the financial issues. She will (or wont) seek help for her recovery, on her own time, if ever.
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Old 06-19-2009, 12:43 PM
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Thanks to all!

I really value all the support and advice. I made it clear to my wife that going or not was her call. I can handle my sobriety with the help of God and the fellowship. I just feel awful about the place she finds herself, and want to find some help and support for her.
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Old 06-19-2009, 01:47 PM
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Hey Nick

I can relate to your situation. Kids in college, Kids at home, Financial issues with potential for disaster. My part in all of this... well sure, I was not 100% there for a long time...

The issues with your wife resonated with me. I've been sober 9 months now. Not an easy 9 months on the relationship... many changes indeed. When I crashed and burned last September much of it was a big surprise to her... the amount of alcohol, pills and oceans of denial on both our parts. Yea... she has some resentment... fortunately we have a strong marriage.

She lost a drinking buddy too... not that she is a heavy drinker, but we had those nights... . So she's got a lot to deal with... Not to mentions the consequences stemming from my intervention at work (we work together).

She read "to the wives" and read some al-anon literature given to her from a friend. That was about 6 months ago. No al-anon, nothing, in the meantime... Frankly she just wishes that this will all go away... She's got plenty to do, work, home, kids....

Which means, that my recovery has to be the best that I can make it. And, that's OK. I believe that when I get recovered, the elephant in the room will shrink down to reasonable size... maybe just a large dog...

You got good advice. My wife absolutely hates it when I push anything recovery oriented her way... so I don't.

How does your wife deal with your AA meeting schedule?

BTW - I stayed a full hour after my home group meeting with a couple of the guys... this was the major discussion topic...

Mark
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Old 06-19-2009, 02:45 PM
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Mark, very useful thoughts! I told her that I'll keep the focus on my recovery. Fortunately, she is fine with my meetings most of the time. She sees them as "medicine" much as if I were on chemo for cancer. She seems a bit surprised when I talk about folks with 20+ years still going to meetings, but I think she's okay with that.

I agree with your perspective on cleaning up my own stuff, and letting the other things fall into place in their own time. She put up with a lot.

And, like you, I've been getting some very high-quality advice (including about accountants and tax attorneys) from other AAs.

Have a great weekend, Nick
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