AnAlwaysFriend

Hi, everyone. I am new to SoberRecovery. I am a wife of a crack addict. We have been married for 23 years and have two wonderful children, 22 and 19. My husband has not always been an addict. Nine years ago we learned that our daughter was molested by a family member and during that time we also suffered 6 family deaths (dad, all four grandparents within a 2 year period). My husband was always a hard worker and great provider. He began working turn arounds and just started to withdraw from everything. Because of the discovery of the secret that our daughter had carried with her for a long time, we all went into shock. Things changed. . .that's when he was turned on to crack by a guy he worked with and his using went undetected for a year before he begged me to help him.

That's when my journey of loving an addict began. It has been a long hard journey, one that I was not prepared for. We went through 6 rehab programs from 2001 to 2006. In May of 2006, my husband came home from a 9 month stay, with a new look on life and on fire for the Lord. Our family was on the way to recovery. The last 3 years have been great. Both of our children graduated from high school and we even bought a RV so that we could start traveling (a dream we have had for a long time). I believed that the man I had been with since I was 16, the only man I have ever loved, was gonna be okay.

About a year ago, I started picking up on some old patterns. I knew that the addiction was in control of my husband again. I promised myself that I would never go through it again. When my children told me -mom you deserve better and we have to let him go, I knew I had to do just that. I filed for divorce on April 28 and he took the RV and moved out. It has been the hardest thing I have ever done staying away from him . . . I know that I did the right thing, I have to let him fall. I have been the classic enabler! I have all ways buffed his fall.

I am just seeking support and encouragement from others that know where I am at and what it is like to love an addict. Your help will be greatly appreciated. Everyday brings a new challenge as he falls further down.

Thank you!

eggdogg1234

Wow, you have been through a lot, I am sorry for that, but am happy that you were able to do the right thing for you and your family. I am up and available to do the forum chat right now, so I'll start by telling you about my experience loving an addict, But before I start, I will let you know that more people will be along shortly to talk that are far more qualified than I.

I fell in love with and married an addict. She was active when I met her and is active right now. We got along really great (fell in love) when we met and she was very open about her drug use at the beginning. I had a crazy thought that our "love" would cure her of her addiction. I thought that I could show her a world that would allow her to stop the drug use because we would be happy together....blah blah blah. So I helped her get into rehab, and we moved in together, and we started down a path as one. Her Dad who had little to no contact with her decided that if she was clean than he come be back into her life. So he moved to town just to be with his daughter and make up for lost time. Well a few months after moving here he was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer and passed away within 3 months, and he was healthy too, one of those guys that rides bikes everywhere and stuff. We were in our late 20s and she was given power of attorney and had to male the decision to cut life support. after that she went out hard, shooting dope and speed and drinking. So I helped her get into another rehab.
A couple years went by and we got married she got a degree and we bought a house. The whole time I was with her I had given myself away and tried to help her with all of her problems by breaking her fall when she would use drugs, and the whole time I thought she would get over it if I just did the right thing at the right time. Well the past year she started to use again and began to get worse and worse. i was living in so much fear. Fear that she would hurt herself. Fear that she would kill herself. fear that she would hurt or kill someone else. fear that she would lose her job, and that we would lose our house. I became very sick and finally told her that i was done protecting her from herself. That was like 2 or 3 months ago. Since then I have kicked her out of the house filed for a separation and we both lost our jobs (oddly enough due to the economy not ourselves). Now I am alone in a house which I will not be at for much longer talking to you and I am happier than I have been in almost a year.
SO to the best of my ability i know what you have been through and I am very proud of the steps you took to free yourself of someone else's addiction.
Did that help at all, cause you are not alone?

AnAlwaysFriend

Thank you for sharing. My fears are pretty much the same. I have long went through the grief process. Denial, anger, depression, and the acceptance/forgiveness. I have now accepted that my husband is an addict and that I can't change him. It just hurts like hell and the worst part is that I am not sure if I am devastated in losing him or the fact that he took with him the hopes and dreams we spent a lifetime building.

I went to one nar-anon meeting right after he told me what was going on, but the closest one is 2 hours away from me. There is an al-anon meeting held closer to my home and I am going to start going to that starting tomorrow. I know that if I don't find support/encouragement from others, as soon as he gets his head out of the fog and needs me again, I will easily slip right back into the classic enabler role. So, that's why I am aggressively seeking the support and encouragement from others. It is nice to know that I am not alone.

breakingfree88

Wow, analwaysfriend,
you have such much insight! I am very proud of you! Sometimes the right thing and the easy thing are not the same (actually...all the time haha).
You did the right thing for yourself and for your kids.
And...for your addict.
I, too, love a crack addict very much.
He was about to become my husband and while most of me is very glad the wedding didn't take place, another part of me aches and wishes I could have lived in ignorance for a little longer. (I feel more stupid as I type LOL).
You aren't alone and I hope that SR will help you as much as it has helped me. These are an amazing group of men and women with experience and perspectives as varied as the places we all live.
Its a really good place to get things off your chest and share what you feel-I always close my laptop feeling inspired and renewed and thankful for my SR family.
I'm sorry that that happened to your daughter. Has she sought counseling? What motivated her to finally share her secret with the family? Does she understand that her father's addiction wasn't caused by her sharing her burden?
As the child of an addict I have often felt responsible for his actions but am learning that it wasn't anything I did...or didn't do that made him go out and use.
You've been through a lot and I feel that we can help each other.
Keep us updated.
Love,
Holly

barblsn

Hey...wife of a crack addict over here!

My husband was in recovery when we met. Relapsed when we were dating, ended the relationship but would talk to him when he called, visited him in prison, etc. In recovery again, got back with him, married him....relapsed again. Kicked him out, got bankrupcy and divorce papers going. Could really only afford one, so completed the bankrupcy. Little contact with him, mainly through his adult children (his son still lived with me). He got arrested again, a year later saw a change in him this time, allowed him to come home on work release, (VERY heavily supervised). This time, I have protected myself financially to the best of my ability. I have "alerts' on all my accounts; no one can access them but me, for any reason. My checkbook is not physically in the house. I don't have credit cards. My husband knows that this time I will do ANYTHING to get him out of the house if he uses. I will lie to get an order of protection after my first call to his Parole officer to go get him.
For now...he's working full time, he's changed people places and things, INCLUDING family which is a biggie. He hadn't done that before. He's been home 7 months.

I did not like the only Nar-anon meeting that was accessible to me. I went to a few Al-anon meetings but honestly couldn't relate. This board has been a great help to me.

Remember: You didnt CAUSE the addiction, you can't CURE it, and you sure as heck can't CONTROL it. I say this in my head constantly. Make sure you take care of you. You are so important.

AnAlwaysFriend

Thank you, Holly. That's why I am here. I have kept myself isolated for 9 years. Only a few friends actually have known about my AH. We where the perfect all-American family (looking from outside).

My daughter is fine, today. She also has traveled a long road. I am so very proud of her. She finally spoke up when she thought she had allowed it to happen to another child because she never told anyone. There was a grand jury indictment, then he accepted a plea bargain and was sentenced to 15 years. In April of this year the man came up for parole (it has been 5 years since he was sentenced), she testified once again in front of the parole board and his parole was denied! He will serve everyday of the 15 year sentence. At first she thought her daddy was an addict because of what happened to her and part of me thinks she still carries that burden down deep. She was her daddy's "little girl" and a part of my husband died that night. . .but she has attended countless hours of counseling and leads a very productive life, so I have to believe that she knows it is not her fault.

My kids have given my so much insight into this whole thing! It has been tough on them, they love their dad, but they are much stronger than I am and while it hurts to keep our distance they know it has to be done.

Thanks again.