FunnyOne

So he sent me another email about the medical flex card for his sun damage, and also to ferret me out to see if I received the first email about the divorce, and thanks to you all, this was my response:

I vote for option A. Because the mediators are the best in the area, they
are doing a seminar on mediation to other local experts and thus will not be
in the office until Monday. Call them to see if they can meet your demands
or if you might have to wait for their expertise. XXX-XXX-1010. Let me
know what you have discovered.

Your son and I have dental appts tomorrow at noon. We were planning on using the flex card for copay. Call your doctors office in the morning to see if you can just give them the card number. If not, let me know and I will ask
the dentist the same and you can pick up the card on the way to appt. Good luck with your appt., I wonder if they will advise you to stay out of the
sun?

LaTeeDa

I know how hard it is, but if you can resist the urge to get that little jab in there, you will make a lot more progress in recovery.

As I said, I know it's hard.

L

Pelican

I know that emotions are raw on both ends of the relationship. As difficult at it seems, the healthiest way to communicate with one another is on a professional level. Speak to him as if you were speaking to a bank president. Just the facts. K.I.S.S. Keep It Simple Sister.

I know it would be fun to sign the e-mails "Horse Whisperer" and such, but those are things best kept to ourselves. A bit of comic relief from the chaos, a break from the roller coaster. Better to keep the humor among friends and deal with him in a respectful manner.

I think it was our friend Ago that gave the analogy of a baseball when dealing with an alcoholic and they are projecting and manipulating.

When they toss the baseball at you, you have a choice.
You have the choice of picking it up.
You have the choice of picking it up and throwing it back.
You have the choice of leaving it where it lands and walking away.

Detach.

You're not alone in this. I'm typing this with the mirror in one hand. Looking at myself in a current situation, and realizing I need to k.i.s.s.

Pelican

So I didn't have all my facts on the prior post.

LTD's reference to "lobbing it back" had to do with putting the responsibility on the AH. I agree! Let him roll with making an appointment by 6/22. He can rant and rave with them about needing to get things expedited "for obvious reasons" and they will be the ones to educate him on the facts.

isurvived

I know it is incredibly difficult, and requires a huge amount of restraint - but they are right... it is best to keep it "business-like".

This is especially important when you go and meet with a mediator, or attys, or the judge for the divorce. It does YOU great service, and goes a long way to adding to the discrediting of the AH. (Been there - done that).

All during my proceedings, I so wanted to scream out the details of just what he had done, how it ruined our lives - but I didn't. Instead, I let the facts speak for me. It was all there in black and white.

You can be assured that the attys, mediators, and judges KNOW that the problems didn't cause the alcoholism — but that the alcoholism caused the problems.

Romey4

yeah the jabs are pointless...I know...I've done it several times and all it did was...well, NOTHING.

It is much more effective to remain cordial. Don't give 'em the satisfaction of a snippy response.

freya

Well here's my personal "solution" to manipulative, abusive, irritating e-mails from active or dry-drunk ex's.

Do not open them.

Get a trusted friend to open it, read it, and relay to me any information that it is logistically relevant/important for me to have. Depending on the situation and where we are in the separation/divorce process, have that friend also forward it to any lawyers, mediators or other involved professionals who might find the information useful.

Of course, I have to have the friend also let the ex know (in reply to the first e-mail that friend is helping me with) that this is what's happening from now on, so that s/he has a choiuce about how much of a jerk s/he really wants to continue to be in front of an expanded audience not easily hurt, intimidated and/or emotionally triggered by his/her BS.

I mean, if I'm seperated from a person, there's a good reason, and grieving the end of a relationship is hard enough without having to put up with the same kinda cr*p that lead to the seperation in the first place. If I wanted to continue to deal with the BS, I'd have stayed with the BSer.

freya

Ago

OK, that's just "crazy talk"

Man my buddy (support group guy) Larry would just YELL at me every time I called him up and started a sentence with "I opened this email and ......." or "so I answered the phone and....."

He would refuse to listen to anything I said about it, he would refuse to engage, all he would say is "Andrew, Shakespeare said it best about you answering the phone or looking at those emails.......On that path lies madness"

The only answer is to stop opening the emails and stop answering the phone. Anything else will make you "sick".

The one thing he did say that got through to me during that time was "Look, If I drive my Mercedes to the ghetto at 3AM dressed to the nines and and sporting a Rolex, I WILL get mugged, now after I get mugged, I could get mad at the muggers and I could keep going back to the ghetto and keep getting mugged and remain angry and resentful at the people who kept mugging me, or I could just stop going to the ghetto."

The next day I would call, "I opened this email and............"

I was the one opening the emails, I was the one engaging by opening the emails. I couldn't stop. I couldn't stop until I was "done".

Why get angry at people for following their nature when I'm the one that keeps sticking my head in their mouth even though every time I do it they bite me.

My daddy taught me about this when I was ten.

This is a lesson I'm still learning on some levels evidently.

Still Waters

But what to do when you have to have some contact? I really like Freya's answer. I think I'll try that.

Ago

Both answers work, I use LTD's method with my father in such a way that he doesn't even know I am doing it, like I don't hurt his feelings, I'll say "I'm getting another call" or "someone's at the door" I'm sure he doesn't even know I'm doing it.

He lives deep in the country, down a dirt road....the other day we were talking and I was getting long winded about something tedious and he said, "Hey, someone's at the door." /click

I was just left staring at the phone......

*******

Still Waters

I'm kinda hesitant about asking someone to help me though. It seems...I don't know, like I'm imposing.

I do need the assistance however. Any communication with my AH makes me physically ill.

freya

I've actually had a friend do this for me and I've done it for a couple of people. I didin't find it to be an impostion; in fact, I always love it when my friends get to the place where they are ready, willing and able to take care of themselves and set boundaries.

Now, if someone asked me to do this and then went behind my back to continue playing with the A, that'd be a problem -- a BIG problem, because that would be an abuse of our friendship. So, if you ask someone to do this for you, it needs to be about protecting yourself and maintaining your boundaries, not about "getting back" at the A....because, if that's your motivation, it'll probably only mess up another relationship in your life.

Also, it's probably important to be able to trust that the friend is emotionally healthy enough that s/he can remain totally emotionally detached from any BS the A throws your way.

freya

Still Waters

I guess it's more a "putting others in the middle" kind of worry. There are only a couple people who know the background enough and that I trust to even ask.

I'll have to ponder this a bit, because I do think that total mediation would be healthy for me at this point with AH.