Is He???
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Is He???
OK, My A drinks a half a fifth of whisky a day (usually in about 2 hours right after work) and then on about 4 nights a week, goes to the bar anywhere from 1 to 3 or 4 hours. He does not have blackouts, or shake. He does not drink at work (to my knowledge, but I really don't think he does) Some mornings he gets up and throws up after he has been to the bar for a lengthy time the night before, then of course THAT night he won't drink. He does think like an alcoholic, and has very low self asteim. SO....Would he be concedered an alcoholic?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
The measure of alcoholism is not necessarily how much a person drinks. It also has to do with the inability to stop when it is clear that the alcohol is causing difficulties in your life, and many other things. I used to drink. By some peoples standards I was an alcoholic, by others I AM and by still others I'm not and never was. Didn't matter. It was getting dangerous. I needed to stop.
But you don't need a label for HIM to know that you are letting his use of alcohol control your moods and actions. The label won't help you fix him. The only person you can fix is you.
Hugs,
Smoke
But you don't need a label for HIM to know that you are letting his use of alcohol control your moods and actions. The label won't help you fix him. The only person you can fix is you.
Hugs,
Smoke
Paused
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Southern Maryland
Posts: 169
Read the book "Under the Influence"
There are various stages of alcoholism. Early on, they are able to have a pretty normal life. They just seem to have an increased tolerance for alcohol. In fact, because they are able to drink so much more than non-alcoholics, and function well while doing it, they think that there is nothing wrong.
But damage is being done to the structure of their liver and brain cells. That damage is irreversible and will lead to later stages of alcoholism.
Any one who drinks as much as you describe has a problem. Call it alcohol abuse, alcoholism, whatever, it is still dangerous.
The book Under the Influence will explain this to you.
But damage is being done to the structure of their liver and brain cells. That damage is irreversible and will lead to later stages of alcoholism.
Any one who drinks as much as you describe has a problem. Call it alcohol abuse, alcoholism, whatever, it is still dangerous.
The book Under the Influence will explain this to you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Baltimore,MD
Posts: 150
mamasmitty, I'm really glad you brought this up because I've thought about this many times over the years and the fact that my husband mainly drinks on the weekends and during social situations is what really kept me in denial for so long.
I kept telling myself to believe what I was being told which was he doesn't have a problem. NO, he doesn't have a problem like your A does but everyone is different.
I also am really struck by EyesOpen's response because it's very true. I also believe there are many levels and I also believe that it depends on a lot of variables such as opportunity, environment, sense of responsibility and will power at a given time.
What I mean for example is that if my husband and I go to a party where alcohol is served, he'll drink. If we just go visit friends and no one is drinking, he doesn't drink. Earlier in our relationship, he spent quite a LOT of money on drinking and socializing. He is a much more frugel drinker now because he enjoys the nice lifestyle that we live and drinks more at settings where you may pay a flat price and drink all evening or at dances, bull roasts and club functions and he doesn't sip his drinks.
There was a time when he was drinking a LOT more than right now and probably putting out at least 75-100$ a week at the bar (although he won't see it as nearly that much, I've done the math) when he was playing sports 2-3 nights during the week and then going out on Friday and Saturday nights. Now you know it costs more than 20.00 a night to drink in a bar.
His weekend job as a DJ is where he really saves because he can drink all he wants basically for free as I don't think he's ever done a dry party or wedding and he get's paid too!
To my knowledge, he never drinks at home unless he's having the guys over or we have a party here. I just worry that he really doesn't understand what the health risks and future problems will be for him if he continues. I just can't tell him anymore, although he's always been very quick to point out the things that I do that may cause health problems for me someday.
I really think the reason he doesn't understand why I believe he is an alcoholic is because he hasn't been on the receiving end of his actions. He's not the one who has had to deal with being left alone so much, being made to feel as if you don't exist or matter, been on the receiving end of extreme alcohol driven anger to the point of physical and emotional abuse, had to deal with infidelity, embarassment and all of the other emotions I went through prior to my awakening through al-anon. I look back on some of it now and just shake my head and wonder what the hell was I thinking???
I've told him time and time again that he can never understand because no one he loves has ever caused so much turmoil and disruption in his life. I've always been very vocal about my discontent but that was before I realized that I was the only one who really seemed upset about it. It would sometimes change things for a little while but eventually, I would once again be sitting here at 3am wondering if he was alive or dead, in jail, in bed with someone else or just still out somewhere drinking.
I also knew that things were much worse than I wanted to believe because we had been through marriage counselling twice and individual counselling and he could not put any of the tools that we were given to work for long and it definitely struck me how all of our marital problems revolved around alcohol. He felt that the counsellors were biased towards me and that I was like the victim and he was the bad guy. (And to anyone else but him this is obvious because he is the one causing the problems right?)
I'm NOT saying I am perfect but I can honestly say that I have never in all of our years together done anything remotely close to the things he has done.
Well, now all of that is behind me and I know what I need to do to not let this affect my well being anymore. I really thought he'd be happy that I would finally...to use his own words...be "Off his back" but he really isn't taking this as well as I thought.
I look at it this way, if alcohol were not a problem in our lives, then why would it be the number one thing we've faught about since I was 5 months pregnant with our son?
As much as I HATE to admit it, I can remember practically every single fight we've ever had over his drinking and the way he behaves when he drinks too much. Unfortunately, these incidents left such a huge mark on me that I must have been burrying them and burrying them like crazy, just to stay with him all these years. Unfortunately though, they are always there and then, when he drinks, it wasn't just tonight, or this weekend that boiled my blood...it was every single solitary time he ever treated me like crap because of alcohol, that came rising up from way deep down that fueled my anger and resentment and made it easier and easier each time to explode.
I can remember saying to myself, I can't compete with Coors. I can't compete with a room or bar full of "good timers" who care nothing of why he's there or whatever, they just love having him around as Mr. Good Times. I'm not supposed to get mad, hurt or upset. I'm not supposed to worry or think terrible things have happened to him. I'm not allowed to be offended when he openly makes sexual comments and jokes with other women I don't even know or who are not my friends. So, I look at it this way, NOW, we are both getting what we want so this should all just work out perfectly. He gets to continue doing all of the things he obviously enjoys...that don't include me and the kids...and I get to let go of my attachment to those things by way of feeling like a victim. It's a win/win any way you look at it. I still love him but I don't feel guilty anymore, even when he blames some of the things that bother him in our home life as the reasons he goes out.
I was NOT allowed to make one negative comment to him about his drinking or I am percieved as being bitter and a B**** of a wife...not just by him but of his drinking buddies too.
Well, if I can stay strong and true to my goal, he'll never hear another word out of me about anything to do with his drinking, as long as he leaves me alone when he does it. The minute I TRULY can't stand it anymore is the next time I'll say anything in regards to it and that my dear friends will be the last conversation that he and I will ever have, PERIOD.
I kept telling myself to believe what I was being told which was he doesn't have a problem. NO, he doesn't have a problem like your A does but everyone is different.
I also am really struck by EyesOpen's response because it's very true. I also believe there are many levels and I also believe that it depends on a lot of variables such as opportunity, environment, sense of responsibility and will power at a given time.
What I mean for example is that if my husband and I go to a party where alcohol is served, he'll drink. If we just go visit friends and no one is drinking, he doesn't drink. Earlier in our relationship, he spent quite a LOT of money on drinking and socializing. He is a much more frugel drinker now because he enjoys the nice lifestyle that we live and drinks more at settings where you may pay a flat price and drink all evening or at dances, bull roasts and club functions and he doesn't sip his drinks.
There was a time when he was drinking a LOT more than right now and probably putting out at least 75-100$ a week at the bar (although he won't see it as nearly that much, I've done the math) when he was playing sports 2-3 nights during the week and then going out on Friday and Saturday nights. Now you know it costs more than 20.00 a night to drink in a bar.
His weekend job as a DJ is where he really saves because he can drink all he wants basically for free as I don't think he's ever done a dry party or wedding and he get's paid too!
To my knowledge, he never drinks at home unless he's having the guys over or we have a party here. I just worry that he really doesn't understand what the health risks and future problems will be for him if he continues. I just can't tell him anymore, although he's always been very quick to point out the things that I do that may cause health problems for me someday.
I really think the reason he doesn't understand why I believe he is an alcoholic is because he hasn't been on the receiving end of his actions. He's not the one who has had to deal with being left alone so much, being made to feel as if you don't exist or matter, been on the receiving end of extreme alcohol driven anger to the point of physical and emotional abuse, had to deal with infidelity, embarassment and all of the other emotions I went through prior to my awakening through al-anon. I look back on some of it now and just shake my head and wonder what the hell was I thinking???
I've told him time and time again that he can never understand because no one he loves has ever caused so much turmoil and disruption in his life. I've always been very vocal about my discontent but that was before I realized that I was the only one who really seemed upset about it. It would sometimes change things for a little while but eventually, I would once again be sitting here at 3am wondering if he was alive or dead, in jail, in bed with someone else or just still out somewhere drinking.
I also knew that things were much worse than I wanted to believe because we had been through marriage counselling twice and individual counselling and he could not put any of the tools that we were given to work for long and it definitely struck me how all of our marital problems revolved around alcohol. He felt that the counsellors were biased towards me and that I was like the victim and he was the bad guy. (And to anyone else but him this is obvious because he is the one causing the problems right?)
I'm NOT saying I am perfect but I can honestly say that I have never in all of our years together done anything remotely close to the things he has done.
Well, now all of that is behind me and I know what I need to do to not let this affect my well being anymore. I really thought he'd be happy that I would finally...to use his own words...be "Off his back" but he really isn't taking this as well as I thought.
I look at it this way, if alcohol were not a problem in our lives, then why would it be the number one thing we've faught about since I was 5 months pregnant with our son?
As much as I HATE to admit it, I can remember practically every single fight we've ever had over his drinking and the way he behaves when he drinks too much. Unfortunately, these incidents left such a huge mark on me that I must have been burrying them and burrying them like crazy, just to stay with him all these years. Unfortunately though, they are always there and then, when he drinks, it wasn't just tonight, or this weekend that boiled my blood...it was every single solitary time he ever treated me like crap because of alcohol, that came rising up from way deep down that fueled my anger and resentment and made it easier and easier each time to explode.
I can remember saying to myself, I can't compete with Coors. I can't compete with a room or bar full of "good timers" who care nothing of why he's there or whatever, they just love having him around as Mr. Good Times. I'm not supposed to get mad, hurt or upset. I'm not supposed to worry or think terrible things have happened to him. I'm not allowed to be offended when he openly makes sexual comments and jokes with other women I don't even know or who are not my friends. So, I look at it this way, NOW, we are both getting what we want so this should all just work out perfectly. He gets to continue doing all of the things he obviously enjoys...that don't include me and the kids...and I get to let go of my attachment to those things by way of feeling like a victim. It's a win/win any way you look at it. I still love him but I don't feel guilty anymore, even when he blames some of the things that bother him in our home life as the reasons he goes out.
I was NOT allowed to make one negative comment to him about his drinking or I am percieved as being bitter and a B**** of a wife...not just by him but of his drinking buddies too.
Well, if I can stay strong and true to my goal, he'll never hear another word out of me about anything to do with his drinking, as long as he leaves me alone when he does it. The minute I TRULY can't stand it anymore is the next time I'll say anything in regards to it and that my dear friends will be the last conversation that he and I will ever have, PERIOD.
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