Day 3 (from my blog)

Old 06-17-2009, 11:04 AM
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Day 3 (from my blog)

I am flip flopping all around in my head and in my emotions.

I go from feeling strong about my future and then cringing about my behavior for the last few years. Feeling embarrassed, humiliated, weak ... not good feelings. Remembering how he used to tell me that I'm not playing "checkers" ... that I need to be playing Chess. I wouldn't give too much energy to that - I don't even know how to play Chess! HA! But seriously... I would brush those comments off saying..... "I don't want games - PERIOD!"

Today I posed a question:

If someone is lying to you, and you are allowing yourself to be continually hurt by this person - what would you do:

A. He doesn't know what he is doing - I have compassion. I accept him for who he is - I don't take it personally.

B. I deserve to be treated this way.

C. I think more of myself than to allow myself to be around people who lie to me, that I can't trust. I choose to surround myself around those I trust, and don't feel that my sanity is being threatened.

I was never in the B category. I was in constant turmoil between answering A and C. When the going got too rough .... it's when I would choose C.
I will say though, that I tried very hard to be in "A".
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Old 06-18-2009, 06:27 AM
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Yeah, I'm definately an A sad to say.... I really need to work on getting to C. I've never been in the B either. It's just the craziest thing! Like I know he's lying to me and keeping things from me. Some days when I come across things, see things or can tell by his eyes what he's doing and, without thinking, react with anger or attitude and he just can't understand what I'm getting angry or upset about. DON'T YOU KNOW I KNOW...IDIOT!!!! Uhhh...I'm a work in progress, what can I say. If there was ever a way to torture addiction...I'd do it...LOL (ok not really funny but if you don't laugh about it then ya cry). Sorry for going off on the rant! Thanks for the thread Abundance!
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Old 06-18-2009, 07:33 AM
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I like the checkers/chess comparison…While both games of strategy chess looks so far beyond one or 2 initial moves in hopes to pin point (almost force) how the other will react to each one to come, seeking the end result…so much like the dance of addiction.
And I am sure like everyone else (myself include) that you played a fair amount of head games with yourself stuck in the…if I do this, don’t do this, he might/will do that, and then I will maybe do this, or that…in hopes that they will respond with….
Future tripping is a conscious tomb…

But to the question you asked, which I can’t answer at all. I think I did what I did and everything made sense based on how sick I was, not how sick those around me were. And now I make healthier choices for myself in all my relationships it seems so much more natural, and I don’t need to know what the answers are before…still learning always, and I love all the exceptions to the rules…

On a more personal note, I hated what I had allowed myself to become. And I so knew better at each step I further went down…From my reactions to what I knew I couldn’t control as I was on the receiving end at one point so long ago and none of the reactions to me ever prompted a change for the better….to where I so perfectly used my resentment to make it all to easy to do just what my husband was…use.
Some days I wanted to kick my own ass, and I am so grateful for those closest to me who always did, but with this patience in letting me be who I was….It is funny I don’t know how much I changed, I see it as more going back and picking up the parts of me I left behind, at times unaware and at other times purposefully because I couldn’t find where I fit together anymore.

Take good care of you….
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Old 06-18-2009, 10:10 AM
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Incitingsilence - Ya know....... I wanted to be able to "get well" while still in the relationship. And I have been learning all of these tools for 18 months now..... and I just got sick and tired of one thing after another (with him) popping up. I know it shouldn't have set me back in my recovery - BUT IT DID! I AM just as sick as him.... I know that. And the more I started to get myself well- the more sick and twisted we became .... or the more he just pulled away from me. I'm a positive person - and many of my reactions to him were negative.

I mean - how could I pull a positive out of him lying to me? How much longer could I keep telling myself... "well- that is the nature of the disease."

I have children - and I am rearing them to be authentic beings....... and yet - I have addiction running rampant through my home.

I WISH so badly I could have been strong enough to not take so many things personally. Heck - that is why I started therapy - so that I wouldn't! So- that I got back to recognizing my worth and loving myself again. Accepting myself. The thing is - is that he didn't accept himself. He isn't comfortable in his own skin.

I took the drugs out of it - and I just looked at the behavior..... both of our roles .... and the things that I was doing were eating me alive. The snooping, the not believing his words, not trusting.... etc. What was I supposed to do - just believe his words because he wanted me to - when in my heart and soul I knew they weren't true. ???

At times, I start to get very sad - because I just wonder if only I had been more patient... if only I could have stepped outside of myself more and had thought of ways to help him and not hurt him. BUT the thing is.... I truly believe that me having the addict guy as a part of my life WAS hurting him! And taking me down in the process.

It is a fine line for me to accept the situation for what it is.... and who he is (while he is not doing recovery) - vs. - am I in denial?

You are a rarity (in my book) - for sticking by your AH or is it RAH? And keeping yourself sane in the process. I wish that I could have been as strong.
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Old 06-18-2009, 07:15 PM
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How do I say this…
And yes my husband is in recovery.

I couldn’t find a reason to leave, or one to stay either. Couldn’t at one point make any damn decisions…
I knew I was f*cked up in the head, it didn’t take long once I went looking for something to help make sense of what I was seeing. And of course I went that first day in search for help with him ruling my head and found real quick it was me that needed help…

I was in this more from a I don’t want to screw this up and regret my decision…but then how does one make a decision when they are in such a state of madness?

So I started to work on me a bit at a time and kept pushing forward with backsliding and relearning…with a bit of oh I hope he can keep up. But I was resolved that I will never stop moving toward…well I don’t know exactly what but I damn sure don’t want to revert back to the insanity.

It has been a really interesting journey….

I don’t what will be for you. I read and so get it having had to process everything I was seeing and hearing which was contradictory….I had to remove the using and or not using, that was most important…then I started to trust that he would do exactly what he wanted to and I couldn’t stop it…and while I never stopped believing he could get it, I took me out of needing to be the one to teach him, point out, beg him to see, wish him to see, bargain for him to…. I mean really it is very obvious what they need to do to help themselves, and where they are they worst enemies…But you know they can figure that out if they are allowed. I never did the snoop thing it is to me horrible….and in most cases when I read about it I think for damn sure any addict in active addiction should have drugs, and if the behaviors are shining high, why are you looking to validate what you know it the truth anyway…and with wonder of what motives one might use to justify…


Keep learning, about you that is where all the answers are. And it has nothing to do with strength, just lots of work, which sucks btw…lol
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Old 06-19-2009, 04:44 AM
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Abs - just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you. Yep - finding a way to excuse lying (it's part of the disease, etc) was a tricky one for me. However, it helped me to discern the true meaning of acceptance....which for me was accepting that "it" is happening (instead of being in denial) and then learning that acceptance does not mean tolerating the behavior in my life and relationships. I had to decide if being lied to is a boundary for me (and it is) - if that's the case, I don't want to be in that relationship. I don't have to accept lies, I have to accept that someone that I care about lies. With that knowledge then I can make my own decisions.

Being more understanding/tolerant/loving/patient works better in relationships that do not have active addiction going on. It's counter intuitive but those very behaviors contribute to more using. Last night I dreamed that my husband decided to drink again and accepted a "date" with another woman. It triggered all kinds of emotions in me so I had to wake up and do my recovery work. This is a hard road.

I hope that one thing that my experiences ever help another person with is to be an example of why recovery is for ourselves. I went through addiction with other people and once I walked away from them I also walked away from my own active recovery. Which is how I found myself involved with my biggest addict so far. I wish that I had stuck with recovery - especially meetings and having a sponsor all along. I am at high risk for relapsing into relationships with challenges and only a strong program keeps me "awake".

Keep on keeping on.......glad the boys are doing okay. They know so much more than we think that they do.
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Old 06-19-2009, 04:57 AM
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Originally Posted by Abundance View Post
At times, I start to get very sad - because I just wonder if only I had been more patient... if only I could have stepped outside of myself more and had thought of ways to help him and not hurt him. BUT the thing is.... I truly believe that me having the addict guy as a part of my life WAS hurting him! And taking me down in the process.
Put the big stick down, girl! There are plenty of us who could not continue our journey forward in recovery with an active addict in the home. That does not make us less than, weaker, or defective!

Life got so much better for me when I took off the superwoman cape and acknowledged there are certain situations I just can't handle!

:ghug :ghug
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Old 06-20-2009, 12:49 PM
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Thank you Freedom......... I can make myself crazy with the coulda shoulda woulda (s).
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