FreeBird09

He (XABF) called me 3 days ago and told me that he is afraid to be sober because it will hurt more then it does to be drunk. (ie face his problems) Also that he goes in the church parking lot every Sunday and sits there wanting to go in, but never does. Afraid of taking the step. He admitted FINALLY that he is an alcoholic and his life is out of control, and ADMITTED that when he was with me that life wasn't as bad as it is now, but he don't know how to turn it around. He cried, said he was sorry for hurting me and that he didn't know if he will ever be able to be without the drink. He said he had so much emotional abuse from everyone that he can't face it, and I told him that at this point he is abusing himself, so if he don't like abuse then why continue the cycle. He said since the day he left me that life has been horrible and he has drank more then he ever had and thinks he is too far gone to do anything about it. I think he was reaching out, but I can't help him. I told him I love him enough to let him go and make the decisions he needs to for his life, even if it is drinking himself to death. He said he thought that was cruel of me to say. I also told him that I love ME enough to let the past go and live my life without him, that I can NEVER be involved with an alcoholic again. He said, then he will see me on the 'other side', and I said I think you may be right and I will pray that you turn yourself around.

I feel sad for him. He is out of control, like his Dad said he left me to 'punish' me and ended up punishing himself more then anything.

catlovermi

Hm, let's translate:

1. I would rather run away/abuse my substance to avoid my issues than do what it takes to deal with them.
2. I don't want to go to the experts, because they might tell me things I don't want to hear, or do.
3. Instead, I want YOU to save me, because I have manipulative control that way.
4. If you don't come running to enable me again, I just may kill myself.
5. And it will be all your fault.
   
   Nice method, classic. He went through the script in an astonishingly efficient manner.
   
   Let's take a poll: Has anyone else on the F&F forum heard this script before from their addict/alkie?
   
   You did great, focusing on YOUR life and needs!
   
   CLMI

FreeBird09

Thank you Cat... I had heard the script before, but not so.. sadly. Before it was filled with a ton of blame on me. BUT, after nearly a year I have been able to step away and see the reality of it. He also asked me if I was in a relationship with anyone (none of his business) as he isn't, hasn't, and don't plan on it. I didn't say anything regarding that. BUT, I sit here thinking, what does he care if he is not going to take the steps to be whole!. I am pissed off about his questioning me regarding that. As IF I am an option if his situation changes (ie, his mother throws him out) so that is another reason why I told him he can't be in my life.

catlovermi

LOL, he was just looking to forward the script to the next step, which is:

6. It's your fault because you abandoned me/were unfaithful!

Great job, not falling for his bait.

Maybe it was sad, but he owns his sadness; you do not. He is sad as a consequence of his own actions and decisions.

If he wanted to, he could choose to change all these things.

Sounds like your life is improving, bit by bit, though.

FreeBird09

Yes, my life is improving. Because I love him (and always will, a part of me at least) I want him to 'change', get sober etc and come back, but BECAUSE I LOVE ME!. I don't feel I could ever take that chance again to end up where I started from so long ago. It is sometimes a tug of war with my heart, but I look from the outside in and SR helps me see the cold hard truth of the matter. I do admit I struggle with this. After all, I am only human.

Startingover2

Wow did I need this post today! Thank you Freebird and all that have responded.

LaTeeDa

Blame didn't work, so now he tries pity.........

Anything to avoid doing the hard thing--getting sober.

L

Ago

The Irony here is it's a lot more "work" and harder on yourself to do all that crap then it actually is to just pack it in and get sober. Do you have any idea how much work it takes to keep drinking and coming up with new manipulation and justification ploys?

It's exhausting. It's a full time job.

Catlovermi nailed it, this is just poor me, poor me, pour me another drink manipulation.

TakingCharge999

I am so grateful for the people in SR as everything seems more transparent now.

I recall ex AH called MY BEST FRIEND crying his eyes out one time. Nope. Not me. I guess it was easier facing her than it was me. He was sorry he had broken the heart of the woman he loved (oh, the quacking).

He could not even apologize directly.

Fast forward 1 month, he treated me worse than dirt and he was already showing off the girlfriend in our office.

Isn't it shocking? I imagine they are robots, and have all these switches...

/ Turn Red button on for extra manipulation. Rage? Sadness? If they were not busy in the bar they could win an Oscar for their performances, or a Golden Globe.

/ Turn knob right to turn just the exact amount of charm to drive you insane.

/ Turn Green button on for Automatic Grandiosity and an air of superiority so you believe you NEED me, and deny the fact you were always the strong pillar in the relation.


Just now I am working with ex AH and he is sending me happy faces via chat. Sheesh.

Now.. how are we going to enjoy our FREE, healthier life today ?

ItsmeAlice

You've inspired me FreeBird!!

My ABF has used this script in the past with me. I agree with the notion of a script because his crying, tone, and self spity has been the same every time he has done it. I have finally come to understand that it's his "go to" manipulation because it has worked like a charm on me.

You have inspired a script of my own to include:

"I love him enough to let him go and make the decisions he needs to for his life, even if it is drinking himself to death."

and

"I love ME enough to let the past go and live my life without him, that I can NEVER be involved with an alcoholic again."

Thank you!
Alice

appleblaster

My EXABF stopped drinking because he began to abuse speed. He considers that a victory b/c he's not drinking anymore. I don't hear from him much, but when I do I know its b/c he needs something whether it be a favor, directions, advice, love, affection, validation, etc. It always comes in this nice package, tightly wrapped in manipulation.

I've worked really hard to learn a better way. I've worked really hard to see my longing for him (or someone like him) as a defect that I must correct. That was really hard. It was difficult to accept the truth that he did not love me, he loved what I did for him, how I made him feel, etc. He loved the enabler. When i'm not enabling him, he doesn't need me. That hurt and was a blow to my ego (yes, we codies do have egos) but with time and patience i've come to embrace my defects because there was a time I didn't even know they were defects. Whew!

All that to say....when he contacts you, he's not contacting you. He's trying to get something. That's the nature of alcoholism/addiction.

You seem like such a lovely person FreeBird, don't waste that on a loser EXABF. Take it from me, there's a reason he's your EX!

Lots of love!

isurvived

Oh man, reading this just about makes me puke. They've all got the same tune. Pity, pity, poor me, poor me. Experts at it, they work so hard to keep their habit going... if they'd just put half of the amount of effort into recovery! Baaaaaaaaaaaaawh.

MissFixit

Hi,

If I had a quarter for each time I heard that story, the tears, the future plans, the promises...I would be able to pay off my student loans.

Miss

NYC_Chick

Miss:

I would be able to pay off my student loans, buy a house and take a trip around the world staying in only 4 star hotels along the way! lol!

TakingCharge999

LOL

And I would be one of those millionaires that take "leisure trips" to the MOON

TakingCharge999

I believe the only way I could believe an AH's tears are true, would be if they are shed in the AA room.

Never before.

FreeBird09

anvilhead, I can envision a time that will come to not take his calls. It isn't yet. (just being honest) I don't take all of his calls, I select when I am at peace in my heart and soul and then I take the call. (thus avoiding me going into a fit of anger, or regressing back to.. but you did this, and you did that) I am not 'angry' at him most of the time, so if I was in an anger mood I would NOT answer, as that would keep it going. I just listen, just as others listen to my whining. It's not that I don't LOVE him any more, it's just that I don't LIKE what he has become. The man under the disease is lovable, but the alcoholic that he is, is what I don't like about him.

Thank you so much (everyone) for the comments. I am working on the beautiful me, and a masterpiece takes time. I won't go back to the alcoholic, and I wont let him back in my life as he is. I pray for him, just as I pray each night for all of you.. (and myself). I am totally worth so much more then a continued life of misery, and as long as he is away from me the misery isn't the problem. When he calls, it actually helps me let go a little more each day.

Wascally Wabbit

catlover- I have heard that script. It's right on the money.
People with alk and drug addictions are simply the most manipulative, theatrical people on earth. If they don't get their way, they begin the classic list you mention.

Best way for me to deal with it is to ignore the BS, and do what ever I need to do to keep out of the chaos.