isitme

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my own roll in our relationship problems. But I have yet to figure out just how to get a handle on it and stop my own behavior.

I just read some of the stickies on Fixing, Manipulation and Personal Responsibility. I think I have some work to do in all of these areas and can see the negative impact they can have. However, I can’t figure out how to engage the situation with out seeming like I don’t really care how he thinks or feels.

The main problem I’m sensing is my urge and automatic prediction of his mood or reaction to a situation. Once I’ve made this prediction in my head I act according to what I think will get the least amount of response. I don’t want a negative reaction and I don’t want to be questioned about my reasoning or my past encounters.

Now in itself this behavior might not be so bad, except for it feels guarded and untruthful. However what’s making it even worse is that is doesn’t even work at keeping any “predicted” reaction at bay. (But my prediction is usually correct) I feel like I’m constantly at the end of a double edge sword and no matter how I try to answer or act carefully it blows up in my face. (I do see that this is as much a problem with me as it is with him. Maybe I'm even creating the reaction I was expecting???)

For example:
Situation - His friends come over.
Past Reactions - I have been accused of looking to long, laughing to loud, being to close, having to much conversation or at times even knowing them, or cheating with them. Sometimes it’s just simply why do you want to hang out with all the guys?
My New Stance – When his friends are around, I make little eye contact, try not to talk too much or pay to much attention. I will generally find another room to be in with the kids so they have some space and I can’t be accused of anything.
The New Reaction – Why are you sitting alone? Why don’t you be more social? Your acting wierd. And other general comments that make me feel like a bad host.

Or Questions that seem to be designed to put me in a bad position

Situation – Do you know “Mr.X”?
Well Mr. X was just at the house two weeks ago. BUT, if I say yes, I know him, I’m messing with him. If I say no, well then I’m just an idiot for not knowing who was in my house.

Situation – Didn’t you make a lot of tee shirts (reference to an EX)
If I say yes, I’m bring up the X if I say no I’m a liar

Situation – (Watching a reality show where young women are being drunk and passing out.) Were you like that?
If I say yes, then I’m a ****, If I say no them I’m a liar.

Anyway.. I’m looking for some advice on how I can stop this cycle of predicting and acting according to what might happen, get back to being myself, telling the truth, yet also not conjure up some sort of blow up response in doing so. I guess it’s just a matter of realizing I can’t control his reaction and I should stop trying. They only thing I can control is how it makes me feel. Which I haven't nearly mastered.

I guess I just feel like if I do that I’ll be un-caring about how my actions make him feel.

isitme

I see that I do.. but I'm just not totally sure that I'm not part of the probelm. I feel like I have to know that he is actually being that way, and it's not just me creating that situation.. does that make sense?

TakingCharge999

I see you are walking on eggshells. And when you try to act "right in the middle" you will be accused of something else.

smacked

I'm just wondering what's keeping you in this relationship?

Anvil hit it on the head.. it's like your a second or 3rd class citizen in your own relationship. But you're there by choice.. why??

peaceteach

I spent a lot of time talking with my daughter about guys like this, sweetie, so that she would recognize at the first sign someone who is controlling and abusive, not loving and supportive. I was married to a man like that; no matter what I did, he was always mistrustful and suggesting things like that. I am now divorced.

I wish someone had told me before that men like this don't really love their women, they just aren't capable of love. Please think about whether you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone as controlling and mean and un-fun as this man, booze or no booze. He's a jerk. You deserve better. And your kids deserve a role model of a dad who supports and loves his wife and a mom who has confidence and intelligence, and is capable of being a friend to both men and women without it meaning she's having an affair with any of them.

LaTeeDa

You really aren't that powerful. If you were powerful enough to 'create' the situation, then you would be powerful enough to prevent it. I think that's what you're getting at.

You aren't that powerful. Period. No matter what you do or don't do, he will still be controlling and abusive. What you see is exactly what you get. That's the reality. The rest is just magical thinking, in other words, denial.

L

Barbara52

I have learned I am not responsible for anyone else's reactions or feelings and I do not base my behavior or feelings on what I think someone else might do or feel because of me. I try to act with integrity and honesty. If someone else reacts badly or in a way I don't like or expect or whatever, well that is their right to react that way.

I also found I cannot live my life by trying to second guess someone else. I know me, I know what I am doing and being and saying. I cannot base my words/actions/thoughts/feelings on what someone else might do. I cannot live that way.

Only you can decide to live honestly. Honesty toward yourself and honesty toward him. Honesty with your children. Think about what you are teaching your kids about how adults interact and how marriage is supposed to be. Are you teaching them the lessons you want them to learn?

Only uou can decide what you want your life to be like. But boy I sure couldn't live walking on egg shells everyday, trying to be someone I am not, trying to play whatever game/role I thought maybe he would like me to play.

alwaysthinking2

Yes, it makes sense. I was there once, too, wondering "how much of this is his problem and how much of it is me?"

Then I realized, I was miserable. Whether it was him, or whether it was me, or whether it was just some combination of "us," it didn't matter - miserable was miserable, and every day living with my xabf was gut wrenching.

Now that I am on the other side of it, I see so clearly now that a healthy relationship with my xabf would have been impossible for anyone because of his behavior, lies, control issues, and immaturity. Did I act like a "normal girlfriend" towards the end? No, of course not! Normal people, in abnormal situations, do not act normally. Does that mean I should have stayed because I was also responsible for the imperfection and dysfunction of our relationship? Of course not! I hope you come to the same realization.

Best,
at2

Ago

Holy God I understand this (The OP)

It's like you can't believe this can be real so it MUST be "my fault", I MUST be doing or saying something to CAUSE this, because surely this can't exist in a vacuum. Surely no one could this abusive and controlling for no reason, then the self doubt leads to more self doubt which puts you in a position to receive more abuse leading to a downward spiral.

When this happens I put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror but not in a healthy way, more like, what am I doing to cause this, it must be "my fault" on some level, I must "deserve" this.

I do know that Good self esteem is the answer, people with good self esteem don't allow others to treat them this way.

I don't like that I relate so much to this, but I do.

Every single time I have ever allowed this to happen it's because I didn't enforce a "No", from that time onwards it's a slow steady downward spiral that picks up speed, by the time I hit a bottom I have no idea who or what I am.

I so far can ALWAYS trace it back to not enforcing that first "No"

Then, like the last poster says, by the time I HAVE to enforce my boundary it's easy to point the finger at me and say, well look at YOU" then I get plagued by self doubt and it all starts over.

For the want of a nail, the Kingdom was lost, For the want of a NO my soul was lost.

(((isitme)))

Still Waters

You are not part of that problem.

There, I have spoken and cleared that up for you

bella162

Hi isitme,

I'm not sure if i've got this right so correct me if i'm wrong, sometimes i can be a bit slow to catch on but are you saying that your partner is a manipulative , emotionaly and mentally abusive twisted, controll freek who you're afraid to be your open honest self with for fear of undesirable repercussions against you, and that you would like some help and advise on how you can alter your thinking even further to accomodate his abborant behaviour. Hey isitme, whilst I admire your dedication to matyrdome,I mean thats some real determinatin to the cause your showing there, To be quite honest, no i haven't any advice on how you can alter yourself even further. In fact I'd probably advise you most definatly not to give up your trying to predict his behaviour, in the end it might be the only thing that saves your life or even your kids lives. Prediction, Gut instinct. extra sensory perception, second sight. sixth sense ect ect.. We have those primitive feelings for a very good reason.. it's called survival. Why not try listening to your soul for a change, it's trying to tell you something.

naive

isitme-

i don't think it's you. these are defense mechanisms you have developed in order to try to keep peace in the house. it's not healthy.

part of what my addict did was try to control me. he did this is so many ways, bit by bit, trying to keep me from talking to men (friends), leaving me with no money so i couldn't go anywhere or do anything, blaming me for imaginary infidelities, etc. etc.

this is all about control.

this type of stuff only inceases if you permit it to.

emmanuel2012

Stop right there.

So you inferred from a manipulation blog piece that the correct thing to do is get the mesge across that you don't care what he thinks or does? The truth is, you do care. My opiiniion is that trying to not care is horrendous advice.

If u do care, tell him that you care. Also tell him "I don't like it when u jump to conclusions, and it makes me suspect to your own behavoir"

.



Okay. I just deleted my advice after 30 minutes of typing it then fall asleep to find out I didn't presss subit, the data is permantenly lost on information technology oblivion. But I had a dream that my cat ate my clipboard, so this makes perfect sense. Let me reformulate what I was trying tell you more succinctly rather than over elegantly.

You love this man, apparently overobsessed, however. I think you might have to examine your own possible obssessions.

Are you trying to play god by attempting or predicting outcomes?
12 steps grant us relief from this obsession.
We have a new employer. If we are be granted peace and know it, we can no longer "predict outcomes.'
No longer are we faced with thee unmmanageble task of being the director, writer, main acto, supporting actor, casting agent, marketing representative of this production. We only have the responsibity to do what we are on this earth to do. Nothing more is required, or even humanly possible (althoguh we think so at times)

Here...a saying which sums t etter than I coulld:

Plans? There are your plans and there are gods plans.
Want to hear god laugh? Tell him your plans.
Your plans don't matter.
What will happen to you if you choose to simply let it, and look for it happening
Is a million time better than what you have designed should happen.

(Paraphrased)

I hope that you let some contol off your relationship, even if he is the. Manipulator, you LET him. You are letting him eat your energy by carrying any resentments. If its impossible to mamanage the outcomes, stop looking at them, look at the experience itself.

Ask yourself if you feel that you are more spiritually evolved being than you were when you stumbled aacross this man who is seemingly witthout being aware of it, trying to control YOUR outscomes. He too is playing gods role a little bit,

I will say a prayer for both of you.:
God Almighty,
Have mercy on those that attempt to control a destiny in which you know and have planned for me and my lover. Allow them to grow spiritually together or sseperate according to how we are supposed to evolve to achive the happiness you want for them, and all of your children.
Allow us all to fulfill our lifes' purposes in every situation, and grant us the relief of the respnsibilities to manifest what is not our responsibility to manifest. Please grant every man and woman the courage to manifest what is their own intentions to, so that we all can be of optimum alignment to your most awesome plan which we apart of, thanks to you
Amen.

To love and to be loved is the greatest joy in the world. One can only love, and hope to be loved back. Move on if u aren't loved back. You are worth it!