FSquared

Ugggh!

My addict spouse has been sober for 2 weeks now, and is working at recovery. I am working on my own issues with codependency and trying to establish my own program. I am trying to stay out of her recovery except as I can support it (watch kids while she attends treatment, meetings, etc.)

My problem is that I seem to be being drug into her stuff...not necessarily by her, but by those around her who are working with her or are also trying to help with her recovery.

She has established a plan for her recovery moving forward with the help of 3 addictionologists/couselors/psyD. She is willingly submitting to treatment and living recovery and sobriety. She is actively working this every day thus far and has shown no inclination to detour from this plan.

The problem, which seems to want to involve me despite my best efforts thus far, is that her sponsor, mother, and mother's husband (longtime recovered A), do NOT agree with her plan. They have decided that she must go off to inpatient treatment or she will not succeed. They have confronted her strongly together and individually several times. Last week they wanted me to also attend an AA meeting, after which they planned to confront her about this issue. That meeting did not come to pass, but they did confront her again during which she relented and agreed to consider inpatient. This despite licensed professionals telling her that inpatient, while certainly an option, was not absolutely necessary...as long as she works her current plan.

I have maintained all along to my spouse that I do not wish to be involved any further than I am in decisions regarding her recovery. I point her to her sponsor and to the mental health professionals. My own feelings on what to do are undoubtedly biased for my own views and comfort level. She needs (and wants!) to do this for herself.

We have two small boys who have to be considered and accounted for in our recovery. I cannot be available all day to watch them while she is in meetings and or treatment. So she is reliant on help from others. No problem, right? Part of recovery, right? Reaching out to others for help.

Well, her mother, who initial pledged full support for helping...watching the boys 3-4 days per week, and otherwise as the situation required....is now so convinced that spouse needs inpatient, that she has withdrawn all support unless spouse heads off to inpatient.

Sponsor has gone mostly silent on the phone, txt, etc since spouse decided to pursue outpatient/meetings/1-1 counseling vice inpatient.

I view all of that drama as passive/aggressive manipulation. Yet I also know that these people just want to see spouse succeed with recovery.

Spouse is struggling with all of this at this point. Obviously she wants my input.

I don't know what to do here. I don't know what the right answer for her is. I DO know that my role is ONLY to support her recovery in positive, healthy ways. We are both committed to working on our own stuff, provide support to each other where we can, and move through this and maintain a sober, recovery household free of the chaos of active addiction. I am committed to a path free from codependent actions regardless of what happens on her side of the street.

I'm not looking for ANY answers related to what SHE should do. I figure that is up to her, her HP, her professionals, her sponsor, etc.

I'm interested in whether my own actions are appropriate. Am I just being conflict avoidant? Or am I maintaining healthy distance from a situation that is close to me?

Curious what you all think....

peaceteach

If you both feel that inpatient is not the course for you BOTH, why not hire a babysitter for the time being? The kids will live, trust me, even if you are worried about them not being in the care of an immediate relative. It will be worth it for the two of you to make this very grown-up decision by yourselves, I think. A babysitter would make that possible without having to rely on well-meaning but manipulative relatives.

Still Waters

Oh wow, tough situation!

I wonder why they're so hell bent on her going in-patient?

FSquared

Babysitting is a good recommendation. $ is tight with the loss of her income, though. In fact, $ is a consideration in her determining her recovery. We simply cannot absorb another $30k inpatient treatment bill. Will take a look at the babysitting route, though. Maybe we can find something affordable, local, etc. Our previous daycare provider is simply too expensive and also is unwilling to provide drop-in care for minimal time/week at reduced rates.

peaceteach

It's summer. Lots of teenagers around looking for jobs. Try calling the office of your local high school and ask them if they ever give out names of students who babysit. Lots of time the women who work in those offices are mothers of students and have their pulse on the community, the kids, who would be good to try. Look around your neighborhood also, ask other parents for students' names to try. They're cheap, fun with the kids, and available right now. Try approaching this one week at a time instead of planning out the next month.

backporch

Sounds to me like "mom" needs to get herself in a program of her own!!! Sheesh!

My kids are about the same age (7 and almost 4 here) and two weeks ago I was scrambling for childcare options also. Jobs seems to be scarce this summer for the college/high school kids. Or would any of the neighborhood moms like a little extra income for the summer? I know it's expensive, but I'm trying not to focus on that too much since it's a necessity. And honestly, your kids will have more fun with someone young and energetic than a manipulative, controlling grandma. GRRRR!!!!

TrainWreckAgain

Not that I have all the answers by any means, but I can offer at least one point of view as to why inpatient.

For many people, if they are in an outpatient setting, the day to day mechanics of life, caring for kids, etc. becomes a major distraction and a ready made excuse to focus on something other than the hard work that needs to be done in recovery.

Part of the theraputic value of the inpatient setting is that there is a great deal of structure, routine and very little to distract them. In the case of my SO, one of her big complaints about her inpatient program is that she has too much time where she is left by herself with nothing to do. That too is part of the idea. She is given the time to think, reflect, and ponder why she is there.

I know that if she were in an outpatient program, she would find any number of ways to avoid doing the cognitive work she needs to do. "The kids need to go get a haircut. I am going to re-arrange the furniture." and so on.

Just one man's opinion.

Daisy09

Students in early childhood education or elementary education programs are often very happy to babysit for very low pay, as they can use you for recommendations/job experience on their resumes once they graduate. Try calling the education office of a local 2 year college and see if they can eithe rgive you names of possible sitters from a list (many have one) or post your name/number in their offices for students to see.

naive

hi fsquared-

here's my two cents:

spouse is an adult and free to determine her own path to her own recovery. mom should butt out! if mom wants to manipulte the situation by withdrawing her support, so be it. go to plan b.

i also wouldn't let spouse's recovery team drag you into her recovery when you feel you require some space.

as for the boys, put the word out to their friends' mothers, your social circle, the wives of the men you train with....make it known you need some help.

naive

smacked

As for the cost of rehab, the Salvation Army has rehabs pretty much everywhere, and it's free.