SillyBilly

I had my first AA meeting tonight. It was exactly like NA to me. I was so excited and jazzed up on the drive over there, but I left feeling worse than when I arrived.

I arrived half an hour late. That was no problem, the website told me 8, but it's the only meeting in my area so I think they start earlier to accommodate the extra people. It was packed! I would say no less than 25 faces, but it could have been closer to 40.

I didn't like NA from the start. And AA seemed to be no different. This is just how I feel, I'm sorry if I offend anybody when I say this, but I just don't like it. I want to write what I really thought about it, but I don't know how to word it appropriately. So I won't, for now.

On the drive home I had time to examine my options. I came up with a plan.

I want to keep going as I am, and avoid AA unless I feel I need the extra support. I want to keep AA as a backup plan, my plan B. Therefore long-term inpatient rehab is my plan C.

I will try drug & alcohol counselling if required, I will talk to a psychologist if necessary, I will branch out into other areas of support if I feel I need to and if I still have trouble, THEN I will go to my plan B.

Of course, the other option is I just go every week and see where it takes me. I kept thinking to myself, 'It can't hurt if I give it a real go can it?' and I couldn't come up with an answer for myself. I'm afraid I'll start to rely on it and I don't want to get to that stage if I don't need to.

But this is all getting ahead of myself. It's day 4 and all that matters is today and making it through to the next day.

CarolD

Now that you do know the correct time for the AA meeting
why not arrive a few minutes early and give yourself a
chance to meet new sober friends?

You need not use AA at all....but 1/2 a meeting
when you are still de toxing.... is
not the way to explore the program.

I hope your plans works out for your benefit...

Newtosoberlivin

If you don't mind my asking, WHAT is it about AA that you don't like? I only ask because when my counselor suggested it for me, I was ADAMANT that NO WAY was I going to try it again, didn't like it the first few times, and here I am nearly a week into attending meetings, and I'm glad that I am. Personally, I'm nervous about getting a sponsor, as I don't know anyone well enough yet to sponsor me. Although there was a lady at yesterday's meeting who gave me her number, offered to act as sort of my "temporary" sponsor, and go to different meetings with me, in order to help me get a sponsor, which is great. I'm nervous about calling her (which is strange for me, because I'm so NOT a shy person), but I DO plan to call her and take her up on it.

Anyhow, I digress. What is it about AA/NA that you are not comfortable with? Was it that particular meeting? Sometimes you need to try different ones until you find a group you feel completely comfortable with. Did you attend an open or closed meeting? Was it a step meeting or discussion meeting? There are so many factors to consider in finding one that works for you. And please don't take that as any "promotion" lol! I'm only trying to understand why you don't feel quite comfortable, that's all. Obviously, your choice in how you recover is a personal one and completely up to you and no one else.

Guess I'm just being nosy! (I've always done that, both when I was drinking and now that I'm sober! Go figure!). I wish you the very best of luck whatever way you decide to approach your recovery. What works for some doesn't always work for everyone, again it's a very personal decision. God bless and good luck!

grateful2b

Hi Billy, as I have mentioned my doc is not alcohol. My path of sobriety was through therapy and my faith.
I have been to a few NA meetings but I much prefer AA and go mostly as a support person for someone else. I have been to AA meetings that I won't go back to again.... thats okay..... I find that no two meetings groups are the same...I have found three three different meetings that I love *love...
I like that you are going to stay open to the idea...shop around and find one that feels right for you...and try and get there early...the 'meeting' before the meeting is important ..getting to meet some of the people will help you feel more comfortable

tommyk

"... all that matters is today and making it through to the next day."

That's first & foremost, good thinking.

I was told in early recovery to DO THE THINGS I DON'T LIKE and to quit basing things I NEED to do on what I 'like'. Actually my sponsor went a few steps further and called me whining crying baby and told me my recovery doesn't give a damn what I like, lol.

Get out of your comfort zone, try new things, do things you don't like to do... and GROW as a person?

Anna

You've gotten good advice here Billy. I wasn't thinking clearly four days into my recovery and so I think the advice for you to be patient, is right-on. The main thing to do is to focus on staying sober.

Mark75

What Grateful said... I have the same experience in my area...

Mark

marty888

Mate, I have just reached 50 days, which is my longest in 26 years. I have only done this through AA. Tried many times my own and never lasted more than 2-3 weeks. What I am finding so good about AA is that they speak my language, been there and done the same shite I had and have recovered, I have even been asked to chair a couple of meetings.
I know AA is not the only way, but try and give it another go, I know after 4 days (and I cold turkeyed it solo like you) I was not in any state to make long term decisions.
Best of luck mate.

SillyBilly

I will add one thing. Right now I feel like I should take a step back. Like I'm being too open, and I HATE this feeling because part of recovery for me is unleashing my quirky, outgoing, confident personality upon the world. And now I feel like if I behave like that I'll make others uncomfortable or something. I think I'm just a little anxious and overthinking. I'll probably feel better tomorrow.

Years ago I when I first started seeing this side of me and letting the world see it the response I got back was amazing, everybody loved me, everybody wanted to be my friend. I had customers asking to be served by me at the restaurant I worked in because of who I was. During those few years I tried my first hard drugs unfortunately.

After a while I developed a mindset where I thought I need the drugs to be that person, then it got to the point where I'd lost it all together, my job, my mind, my friends and my personality.

Now I feel that I've been masking this outrageous side to me with all the booze and narcotics. I want to embrace it, I want the world to see I'm really a rambunctious-***** who doesn't take life too seriously and just wants to have a good time with everybody because I don't judge, I just want to be your friend and make you laugh.

After AA tonight I felt like it wasn't allowed or something AHHHHH I dunno. Zip it!


--

No no, be nosy, please! I can take anything I promise.

I'll get there early next time and meet the people. And you're right tommy.
I would have been there early if they website was up to date LOL

I'll explain. In simple terms, I was feeling on top of the world on my way, expecting to walk in, meet people, introduce myself and have a good time, but I left feeling much, much lower.

Maybe it was because I arrived late, maybe I was expecting too much, maybe I just need to go a few more times and at least try. I'm getting tired now so I'll wrap this up, but I think that because I left feeling unwelcome and less happy, perhaps sub-consciously I blamed the meeting.

Tonight people were sharing. So I guess that's a open meeting right?

I thought I was arriving early but they were half-way through when I got there.

Ok maybe I'll go next week. I'll get there early, my expectations will be different, and I'll have a different experience. What I got from it tonight was people telling their sad, depressing stories and it just felt very sad in the room. But maybe I wanted it to be fun and it wasn't.

I pictured all these people in the meeting tonight as very depressed people, struggling with life and like AA is the most 'fun' activity they do. Some people talked about it like it was everything to them. They did 5 meetings a week, and worked. I don't see them in their normal lives however so maybe I'm not getting the full picture. It seemed like the meeting was there to allow people to share and, well, vent. Which I seem to be doing a butt-load on here LOL


Ok I am getting sleepy I will feel better tomorrow.

Billy out.

NickP3

Silly Billy, I'm fairly new at 134 days. In the past months I have tried out a whole range of meetings in my area. They range from big open meetings with sixty or more, to a small step meeting with five or six. I have chosen several as "regular" meetings, and keep my options open on others. In some I have found people just dynamite, and in others the group dynamic doesn't fit my warped personality.

Depending on where you are, the options may be limited. But if you keep up the search you are almost certain to be rewarded.

I wish you the best, and will add you to my prayer list!

shaun00

alright bill...

sit down and write a list of the things you hate about AA.

im not here to talk you into to going to AA if you feel it aint for you...

BUT i would be interested in whats on the list....

Sounds to me like youve cottoned onto the fact that you need to do more than just stay sober.

trucker.

Aysha

Gee SB..I totally relate to what you said about hiding that fun crazy side.
I feel like alot of people take it as me being immature and not serious about anything.
I make jokes about everything and like to have fun and laugh at anything I can.
But when I have to be serious I can be.

There are other alternatives for working a program.

AA/NA isnt the only way.

You should check out the secular section of the boards. You may find something there that interests you.
Here is a lonk to the Secular section.
Secular Connections - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

And here is a link to the sticky there that lists some of the programs there.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...cular-web.html
Good luck and always be who you are. Personalities like that are NOT a dime a dozen. It is a very good quality to have IMO.

Charmie

hello billy.there is reasoning behind the 90 meetings in 90 days! i didnt quite manage that but not far off,,if your head is anything like most folk when they arrive at AA they dont know their ar$e from their elbow,,like carol said,half a meeting is not enough to make the descision that you dont like it and its not for you just yet.im new in recovery also but have a sponsor and im working the steps and your expecations and WANTS/NEEDS change.i can understand what you are saying about the sad stories but they are there for identification,so you dont forget how bad it was or how bad it WILL get.i was frustrated the other week because i was at meeting and it was a lot of drunkalogs,,but then i had to give myself a talking to,,i dont have much choice with meetings here,,so i decided to travel further afield,,and whatever i think of the meeting i have to remember our primary purpose,which is to help the still suffering alcoholic.so thats what i do at this meeting now,,pass the message.dont give up who you are but just be mindful and considerate of other people,,and start doing the opposite to what you think/want!,,it works if you work it,im living proof as are many other people!!! sorry if i sound bossy! these are just suggestions of course,,i wish you well and keep us posted.

tyler

Sounds like you just want to be Australian!! At least that was my experience with Aussies when I spent my year there. Granted excessive drink seemed to be a bit of a part of the culture as well, in fact that is where I first started drinking. The good 'ol Barossa Valley, some damm fine port they make there!! Also was introduced to rum and to this day they are my two drinks of choice.

As far as AA/NA goes, for the most part you will find them to be quite similar, I think. I've been to hundereds of NA meetings, and dozens of AA meetings. The biggest difference I found was in AA there we a lot more "oldtimers", those with long term sobriety. I guess it's because AA has been around longer. This can be good and bad. For a younger person (as I'm assuming you are) NA can be more relatable on a age basis, but you shouldn't discount the wisdom that older members with long term sobriety can offer. I would also say NA has a much higher "failure" rate, probably due to the insidious addiction level of many drugs today, which is not to say that alcohol can not be insidiously addicitive as well.

One popluar 12-step saying is (and I paraphrase) "Take what you need and leave the rest behind." Some people need to go to meetings every day, some even more often than that, in order to stay clean and sober. They are doing what works for them. Everyone's "program" is slightly different, though when it comes to AA/NA they all involve working the steps.

I'll be bluntly honest here. When I first came to this site over 7 years ago, there was NO WAY I was going to go to meetings and get a sponsor and work the steps. I looked for other alternatives, of which there are many, went to therepy, a couple stints of inpatient treatment, a couple of stints in the mental hospital (one consentual, the other not so much), a suicide attempt, lost my wife, job, house, regular contact with my young son. In other words, alot of bad $hit has gone down over the last 7 years. You might have guessed, I can be a bit stubborn!!

A few weeks ago, I picked up my worn copy of my Basic Text (the NA version of the Big Book) a souviener of one of my rehab stints. I'd say probably half the book was highlighted (I highlighted the parts that had meaning to me) from various readings over the years. I've been clean of my DOC for about a month now and completely sober for about a week. (I try not to count days as it has always been a trigger for me in the past.) But I still feel that emptiness that I always tried to fill with drink and drugs. I'm extremely emotional, and the only way I know how to handle those emotions is to numb them out with drink and drugs. I've started thinking, maybe there is something for me in this 12-step stuff afterall. I've always been respectful of the program, even as I stubbornly declaired it wasn't for me, but maybe it is for me.

I guess my point in all of this is twofold. One, you can't judge the program based off of a couple of meetings. You also shouldn't judge the program from the people in the rooms. Sure some of them are miserable, just like you!! Sure some of them seem to live for their meetings, it is what THEY need to stay sober. There are many others who attend meetings when they feel the need, or as mostly a social thing, and to help share what it took for them to get clean and sober. In the end, 12-step recovery may or may not be the answer for you, but it is by far the most accessable face to face support you will find. As in any group, it is made up of different personalities. Don't let any one of them get to you. You will find 12-step "zelots" who "preach" with almost a religious ferver the glories of the program. You will also find those who take a more laid back approach. Bottom line is everyone is there for the same reason, to try to get and more importantly STAY clean and sober.

If you are interested in looking at some alternative programs, check out SMART SMART Recovery® Help with Alcohol, Drug, and Other Addictions
Lifering http://www.unhooked.com/

Bear in mind that most of the other programs provide very little in the way of face to face support, so it might be helpful to mix and match, if you like. In my opinion, knowledge is power, but don't get so caught up in learning about recovery that you aviod actually doing anything about it. That's what I did. Hope some of this rambling helps. Peace Bro!!

jamdls

Hi SB, congratulations on making the decision to go straight. I'm not an AA person, however, I have tried AA. The first time I went to an AA meeting around 2004 I hated it and found it depressing. Then I tried a woman's only meeting, went twice I think, and found that kind of depressing too. A big part of the reason I found it depressing was I really wasn't ready to stop drinking forever. In 2007 I had to stop drinking or die, I went to AA meeting and the first few times I didn't utter a sound; then gradually I started sharing parts of my story and every time I shared I got people laughing because fortunetly I've always been able to laugh at myself and never felt sorry for myself. I also started to notice that there were others who got the the room laughing as well, sure there were always a few people with the really sad stories ( I remember 1 guy who would relate the same sob story week after week after week...) but that was ok because mostly it was upbeat. I only went to AA during the first few months of my sobriety but I learned SO much! and I adapted the steps to work for me. I should say that my drinking was milder than many and that likely I was 'only' on the road to alcoholism as apposed to being a full fledged alcoholic. Whatever path you choose I hope it works for you.

CAPTAINZING2000

Didn't get a chance to see what, everyone wrote in response but, I agree with Carol on this.


A good group will have greeters or, people seeing a new face should welcome you. Arriving late made that impossible in your case. I understand what you're saying about the mix up in the time of the meeting though.

I hope, you give the meeting another try. Go early and stay around after the meeting. If, you're shy about making friends, at least be open enough to introduce yourself.

We see a lot of people come and go in AA. If, you want sobriety, people will help you.

littlefish

Well, you haven't really expalained what you don't like about AA, but that's okay. You can keep looking. I spent a couple of months just looking around. I went to a lot of meetings, but it probably took me 3 months to find the two groups I was comfortable with.

The AA scene is really jumping in my area. Some Yanks,Saffas/Europeans/Brits have come to Stockholm and formed new groups, and they have been the first one's in the last 5 years to form young people groups (YP groups) and they have a disco every Friday night. Then there are at least two dozen other groups that have Saturday and sunday speaker meetings, and they really rock too.
Frankly, I can't keep up with all the meetings, there are just huge amounts of them every day of the week.
I would suggest that you keep exploring, because you might end up experiencing things like I did. I thought AA was just one kind of meeting with one kind of group and one message and then I found this whole AA world out there. There are open and closed meeting, step meetings, speaker meetings....etc, what have you. A wide variety of things to choose from.

Psst: if you don't want meetings at this point, google AA speakers, and you can download hours of AA speakers from the net. You can visit AA venues via internet....

Congrats on your excellent 4 days!!!!

ClosetExtrovert

I'm glad you said it SB. I don't like it either. I go because I'm supposed to, but I hate it. I've asked 5 women to be my sponsor and all of them said no, that they were too busy. I don't want to ask a man. They go on about God and spirituality and I have no clue what they're talking about. Then they seem to gang up on any new person that has the nerve to open their mouth.
It's all rather bewildering.
I hope I haven't gotten anyone mad at me. It's just been my experience.

smacked

I'm just curious as to when you'll know that those "if"s happen... if you drink? if you ... what. Why not try it all, I would think it's much more likely to be helpful than harmful, and certainly the prognosis would be better for your sobriety instead of waiting for the "ifs" and the "yets".

Ya know.. I don't attend AA meetings. However, when I first decided to get sober, I did.. because I was determined to try anything and everything I could, as uncomfortable as it might have made me, to get and stay sober. I wasn't enough for myself, at the time. Honestly, even though I may have known that AA wasn't going to be the program that I followed, I was grateful for the meetings I attended.. and really, during that hour or so I was probably in one of the safest places ever, in regards to maintaining my sobriety and encouraging it to continue. Could have done a lot less productive things with that small amount of time, that's for sure.

Oh, and you mentioned that you expected that it would be a good time.. this isn't really fun and games kinda stuff, it's serious life threatening business. Sharing is what people do at meetings, every single meeting I went to.. And every single meeting I went to, I cried the entire way home. I don't blame that on the meeting..

Mark75

Well, I've met some rambunctious *****s at meetings I go to... they are some of my favorite AAs... A couple of them have double digit sobriety. They brighten everyone's day.

I want to be Happy Joyous and Free... From what I've actually seen, with my own eyes, AA can get me there. I also believe whole heartedly that to get it, I will need to work the program... all the 12 steps. And that's OK by me.

Keep goin' back... investigate the program... give it a good try... There are other programs if you decide AA is not for you.

Mark