Excuses Alcoholics Make

Old 06-15-2009, 11:21 PM
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Excuses Alcoholics Make

As I was looking around the web for information on addiction, I stubmed across the following article titled the "Excuses Alcholoics Make." It talks about 20 of the most common excuses alcholics make for their behavior.

Out of the 20, I have repeatedly heard 15 from my SO. Others probably know all this, but it was an eye-opener for me.

Since I have less than 15 posts, I can't post a link, so I have pasted a copy here.

Excuses Alcoholics Make

by Floyd P. Garrett, M.D. of Behavioral Medicine Associates in Georgia

Because addiction is a stereotyped and fundamentally inhuman process it produces predictable signs and symptoms that may be used to gauge the degree of its progress as it penetrates and invades the personality of the individual afflicted by it. One set of symptoms of addiction are the customary excuses the addict makes to himself and others for the irregularities of thinking and behavior foisted upon him and those around him by his addiction.

Problem? WHAT problem?

Primitive and unconscious denial is classified as a psychotic defense mechanism because it denies or distorts reality itself. Those in the grip of psychotic denial are literally out of touch with reality. Thus an alcoholic with multiple and perfectly obvious negative consequences from his pathological drinking(legal, health, marital and job problems) may, difficult as this is to believe, indignantly and -from his perspective- honestly deny that he has a serious problem with alcohol. He doesn't know what people who criticize his drinking are talking about - and he is genuinely hurt and offended at what he perceives to be their unfair and unreasonable attacks upon him. He often reacts to expressions of concern about his drinking with self-pity, resentment, and -of course- more drinking.

I'm not THAT bad!

Minimization and downplaying of the problems connected with addiction fill in the gaps and take up the slack left by the failure of psychotic denial to adjust reality completely to the requirements of the addiction. The addict admits that difficulties exist - but he stoutly maintains, frequently in the face of an astonishing and rapidly accumulating mountain of evidence to the contrary, that they are not really as bad as others make them out to be.

It wasn't my fault or It's not the way it looks!

Rationalization and projection of blame attempt to distance the addict from the consequences of his (actually, of his addiction's) actions. Alternative explanations are constructed and stoutly defended, e.g. the employer who fired him or the officer who arrested him or the wife who divorced him were actuated by dishonest or frankly corrupt motives.

All I want is a little relief!

Justification of addictive behavior is often self-pitying and subtly manipulative. The addict feels victimized, perhaps even martyred by what he believes to be the unfair circumstances of his existence and seeks consolation from his addiction. He believes himself thereby an exception and entitled to special treatment, including remission or at least mitigation of the sins caused by his addictive behavior. The prospect of giving up his addiction or, even worse, having it taken away from him by the unsympathetic demands and requirements of others fills him with horror and indignation. Blind to the fact that it is his addiction and its consequences that are making him miserable; he falsely believes that the addiction is the only source of comfort and security available to him in a cruel, cruel world.

I'm not hurting anybody but myself!

Frequently phrased as "Leave me alone! I'm not hurting anybody but myself!" this defense invokes a legalistic right to self-harm at the same time as it denies the interpersonal and social realities of the addict's harmful behaviors. The addict, unable or unwilling to recognize how his behavior does in fact impact and thus harm other people, indignantly and self-righteously proclaims "It's MY life and I can do anything I please with it!" Curiously -and revealingly- the addict seldom finds anything incongruous in the notion that he might knowingly and willingly be harming himself, regardless of whether he is harming anyone else.

Nobody knows the trouble I've seen!

A blatant claim for special status based upon self-pity. Because it is seldom as persuasive to others as it is to the addict himself - other people usually have difficulty seeing how one's problems, no matter how severe or unfair, justify adding further misery resulting from theoretically avoidable addictive behaviors- the frustrated addict usually becomes resentful and sullen, convinced that "nobody really understands me." This licenses, at least in the addict's mind, still more flagrant and egregious addictive acting up and out.

I've got to be me! or You knew this when you married me!

Unable to distinguish himself from his addiction, the addict cannot imagine himself or existence without the addiction. The prospect of "losing" the addiction is unthinkable to him since it would, he believes, mean the loss of himself and of everything that makes life worth living. The addict paints a Romantic portrait for himself and others which, while it may acknowledge at least some of the destructive effects of his addiction, attempts to rationalize the insanity of addictive behavior as glorious, if tragic self-actualization and fulfillment, and to represent anything less than this, e.g. abstinence and sobriety, as a kind of forfeiture of the self and living death, to which a premature addictive exitus is much to be preferred. The fact that many addicts actually believe such transparent foolishness is a somber testimony to the power of addictive insanity.

I HAVE to drink (or drug) for my work!

The addict insists that he will not be able to make a living or that he will no longer be successful if forced to "give up" the increasingly harmful and destructive behaviors caused by his addiction. He may regard the latter as "the cost of doing business." In the vast majority of cases, of course, his addiction has already begun to impair his work performance, his judgment, and his interpersonal relations.

You're not so pure yourself!

Following the adage that "the best defense is a good offense" the addict seeks to turn the tables and distract attention from himself by "attacking the attacker," i.e. the individual who attempts to point out to him the reality of his addictive behavior. Under the spur of necessity to defend their addiction as they are, most addicts possess a keen eye and a sharp tongue for the shortcomings and faults of others - even as they deny or are indifferent to those of themselves. Thus the addict is often almost demonically astute at exploiting the vulnerabilities and Achilles Heels of those who, wittingly or unwittingly, threaten the continuance of his addiction.

Trust me - I know what I am doing!

The addict, blinded to reality by his own denial, attempts to reassure those who have begun to wonder about his judgment, perhaps even about his sanity, that he is in control and that all will be well. He informs them that he is perfectly aware there is or may shortly be a problem, that he does not intend to let it get out of hand, and that he is or will be taking steps to control it.

I can stop any time I want to!

Unaware that his addiction and not he himself is calling the shots, the addict genuinely believes that he is choosing to behave the way he does and therefore he can stop doing so any time he makes up his mind. Unfortunately for him and for those who must deal with him, he seldom makes up his mind to stop(even though he most certainly could if he wanted to, &etc. &etc. &etc.)

I'm not nearly as bad as OTHER people!

An almost universal addictive rationalization. The addict compares himself to people who are in his opinion in far worse shape than he believes himself to be and concludes from this that there is no reason to be concerned about his own addictive behavior. Since there is always someone worse off than himself the addict feels entitled in continuing his addiction.
I HAVE to drink (or drug) to drown my sorrows!
The victim of a dysfunctional childhood or the survivor of a difficult life, the addict attempts to persuade others, as he has largely persuaded himself, that continuing to engage in destructive addictive behavior is a rational and healthy response to his problems - or that if he does not drink or drug, he will fall apart or behave even worse.

Now is not a good time to stop!

Another nearly universal addictive rationalization. "I'll quit tomorrow" is a familiar addictive refrain. The time never seems quite right to stop - even though the addict may be or seem to be perfectly sincere in his determination to cease his addiction "just as soon as I get through this difficult period." He may even convince himself and attempt to convince others that stopping his addictive behavior immediately would be a bad and counter-productive idea, and that the chances of success will be enormously increased if he delays his attempt to stop until a more favorable time.

It will never, ever happen again!

Following an unusually painful or embarrassing episode caused by his addiction the remorseful, frequently tearful addict promises those he has harmed that nothing, absolutely nothing could ever cause him to repeat such behavior. He may take the lead in excoriating and flagellating himself for his unpardonable sin as a demonstration of penance and a reassurance to those he has harmed or offended. Almost always effective in allaying anxiety and soothing hurt feelings on the first occasion of use, this defense rapidly loses effectiveness with repeated use as those whom it is intended to reassure become, usually with good reason, increasingly skeptical.

Nobody is going to tell ME what to do!

The problems caused by addiction are avoided or obscured by a heroic pose worthy of Patrick Henry("Give me liberty or give me death!"). By focusing on his supposed freedom to do as he wishes -actually the freedom of his addiction to do as it wishes- the addict sidesteps the more difficult question of the rationality and sanity of his behavior. Defiance and oppositional behavior are common defenses of addicts against looking at themselves.

I'd be OK if it weren't for you!

The addict blames his addictive behavior on his significant other, usually his spouse. He feels resentful and self-pitying about the way he considers himself to be treated and uses this to justify his addiction. Since one of the commonest causes of resentment and self-pity in addicts is criticism by others of their addictive behavior, and since the characteristic response of the addict to such criticism is to escalate addictive behavior, this process tends to be self-perpetuating. The addict is often quite cruel in highlighting, exaggerating and exploiting any and every defect or flaw the significant other may have, or even in fabricating them out of his own mind in order to justify and rationalize his own behavior.

Look at all I have done for you! or This is the thanks I get!

Another "guilt trip" designed to disarm or deflect criticism of addictive behavior. References to the hard work, long hours, job stress and material status of the family are common attempts to win sympathy and understanding for behavior that has become harmful to the addict and others.

I don't have time (or money) to get help!

Almost universally deployed whenever the question of seeking professional assistance or attending AA or other mutual-support group meetings comes up. If the addict does actually take a step to get help -usually as a result of external prodding of some kind- there is a 98% probability that he will not agree with the frequency, intensity or duration of the help recommended. Underestimation of his problem and the belief that it can be controlled by what others more informed about such matters know are half measures is the rule rather than the exception in addiction.

I'll handle it myself!

Another nearly universal defense. The addict finally acknowledges and even believes that he has a significant problem but is adamant that he can and will deal with it by himself rather than seeking any kind of professional or support group help. Because he does not yet understand the nature of addiction he supposes that recovery is merely a matter of will power, hence that it is superfluous or even a disgrace to ask for help from others for what he ought to be able to do by himself.
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Old 06-16-2009, 01:38 AM
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Thanks for posting that.

Yup, I think I've heard most of those from my AXGF at one time or another. The ridiculous thing is that, for a looooong time, I believed them as well! :crazy
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Old 06-16-2009, 01:51 AM
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Wow. I think my Ah left out only one excuse on that list.

Wonder what a 20 excuses co-dependants make list would look like?!

Here's a few from the top of my head (Oh what I wouldn't give for a gender free, acceptable pronoun!):

1. He/she can't manage without me.

2. If I love them enough they'll change.

3. I must be making a mountain out of a molehill.

4. We're soul mates and I must do (endure) anything for love!

5. He/she needs me!

6. He/she's not as bad as the stereotypical alcoholic.

7. He/she's special.

8. Divorce is bad.

9. I'm staying for the kids.

10. I'm not perfect either. Until I am, I should focus on my own flaws and not theirs.

Feel free to add...
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Old 06-16-2009, 03:58 AM
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Hmmmm....I'll have to print this out and let my fiance read it as it pertains to both his AS and his late AW. Thank you so very much for sharing this.

HG
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Old 06-16-2009, 07:22 AM
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I don't know if it's actually an excuse, but you will notice an alcoholic always has a "plan" that requires a few other people and things "falling into place", like, this needs to happen, then that will happen, then I will ask X for Y, and when things go awry, as they always do, they blame the failure on X,Y and Z, not the fact they needed some complicated "plan" to do something as simple as pay the phone bill.

If you point out the fallacy of that reasoning, like, you know, if you didn't drink all your money and just budget for the phone bill they will look at you like you are crazy.


Originally Posted by hydrogirl View Post
Hmmmm....I'll have to print this out and let my fiance read it as it pertains to both his AS and his late AW. Thank you so very much for sharing this.

HG
That reminds of the introduction to "Codependent No More" I think, I was reading it and it said, "If you are reading this for yourself, you may be a codependent, if you are reading this for someone else you are definitely a codependent"

I was like DAMMIT!!!!!I am SO busted. I was TOTALLY reading it for "someone else"

So I would add that for me to Bookwyrm's list

11. Reads and brings "helpful" literature for others
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Old 06-16-2009, 07:53 AM
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I've heard some of those, but the 2 that I've heard that really "get" me are -- when are you going to change too? And the look at all I have done for you comment.
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Old 06-16-2009, 08:02 AM
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Yes...just this weekend I was telling exah that there is no way in heck I could ever reconsider reconciliation with him until he was successful in quitting drinking for a long period of time and he needs to prove faithfulness. His comeback: And your perfect?

There is a difference in addictions and infidelity and complaining that someone leaves their socks on the floor!
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Old 06-16-2009, 08:26 PM
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If I leave it for someone to read but have no expectations that they will and don't have a snit because they don't, then I'm not being particularly codependent in that moment....I'm sure I'll find some other way to be later....
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Old 06-16-2009, 09:09 PM
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I have been guilty of what Ago mentioned. Researching literature for others. My former A NEVER appreciated it and ususally became very angry with me for giving it to him.
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Old 06-16-2009, 09:39 PM
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[
B]All I want is a little relief! [/B]

Justification of addictive behavior is often self-pitying and subtly manipulative. The addict feels victimized, perhaps even martyred by what he believes to be the unfair circumstances of his existence and seeks consolation from his addiction. He believes himself thereby an exception and entitled to special treatment, including remission or at least mitigation of the sins caused by his addictive behavior. The prospect of giving up his addiction or, even worse, having it taken away from him by the unsympathetic demands and requirements of others fills him with horror and indignation. Blind to the fact that it is his addiction and its consequences that are making him miserable; he falsely believes that the addiction is the only source of comfort and security available to him in a cruel, cruel world.
Oh Man do I own this one. I should have it Tatooed on me like the guy in the movie Memento.
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Old 06-16-2009, 11:08 PM
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Can this go in the stickies someone? It is helpful.:-) Or is there already something so similar it would be a repeat?

Awesome find TrainWreckAgain.


Originally Posted by Ago View Post
That reminds of the introduction to "Codependent No More" I think, I was reading it and it said, "If you are reading this for yourself, you may be a codependent, if you are reading this for someone else you are definitely a codependent"

I was like DAMMIT!!!!!I am SO busted. I was TOTALLY reading it for "someone else"

So I would add that for me to Bookwyrm's list

11. Reads and brings "helpful" literature for others
I read this for my education Andrew, :-), not thinking of someone else, but how it applies to the active addict. I think it would be helpful to make it readily available to others who have addicts in their life. For me this make sense as it will be helpful to anyone who wants to educate themselves about addicts.


Good and fair addition , #11, with perspective.:-)

What a great tool for recognizing the perspective of an addicts mindset when we can't relate enough to more fully understand. This is also a great tool for the people we want to trust and we try expressing what we are up against but they just are not getting what it is we see and deal with, what it is like to walk in our shoes. This could help as an objective tool when we or a trusted confidant is having a problem separating the reality of our situation from emotion.

I wonder how the statistics would weigh out on the top 3?

I can spot the top 7 Some of how he communicates his perspective was different, but still clearly falls into these catergories. The first 3 he speaks more often at the forefront, but of course I can't know an order. After that I just know that he says this stuff. )

1. Your not so pure yourself. ( His biggest issue is what I did sexually before I married him at the age of 19,resentments.)

2. Nobody knows the trouble I have seen. ( 2 alcoholic/abusive parents. An actual victim)

3. I am not that bad.( What he is saying, not me: " I am a good(good= for the most part healthy in my concern for others) person.

Maybe 4. I am not nearly as bad as other people.
( Hmmm, but then he has told me when he is drunk I have no idea of just how sick and dangerous he really is.)

Is not my fault.( He states because of what he went through as a child. Has recently said he has to stop blaming his parents.)

I can handle it myself. ( I am going to "show" you I don't want you to divorce me, watch me, I am going to quit. and I am going to just keep throwing the bottles away when i am convicted until I just stop.)

I don't have money to get help.( His statement, " "We" can't afford for me to go into treatment. And then they might find an excuse to fire me at work, I need a job- its money. "

* This last one brings up a thought: Which one covered pride, I missed it ? The other reasons he has stated for not going into treatment is everyone at work will know then he has a drinking problem. He also didn't want to go back to the same AA meetings because he 'drank.' and saw himself having to admit that.
He didn't want to go to the 12 step group at church because he can't be anonymous to others he might know at church, others being recovering As and people in my Relationally Affected group who will know he is my husband if we go together.

Okay...done wondering outloud. But which one does someone think related to pride from the perspective I wrote above? I gotta go back and read to see if i find it.
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Old 06-16-2009, 11:42 PM
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These are my excuses to not move on.

- Sadness makes me more interesting. A true artist.

- I do not know anything else other than grief and victimization - that's familiar. And I am afraid of the unknown.

- I am afraid to take the plunge (live the present, look forward to the future) because in reality I do not trust God.

- I do not deserve to feel joy and ask for my needs. I am a lesser person than others. My second class status is inherent. Others come first. Others are happier, joyful, have everything I want - but ME.

- I am afraid of life on Earth. I am afraid of my feelings. Thus I live through others' - through THEIR hurt (hurting myself, carrying burdens that are not mine), THEIR joy (and react with anger and envy), THEIR plans (they are all so interesting and "got it sorted out")

- I enjoy being a victim. Nay, not victim. A goddamn martyr. I fear responsibility. I will deny myself the most basic of needs and will have a buffet of possibilities, blessings, friendship and love from other people - in typical martyr fashion I will willingly close my eyes to this and prefer to look at the cement below me.

- If someone yells at me, or makes me feel uneasy. I will drag the feeling through the week. Or through the month. Or through the year.

- I will believe all the lies and opinions of this sick society above anything else. If in doubt, I will consider I am lying to myself, and what all others say is the undeniable truth.

- I fear dying this way. I fear more... actually LIVING.

- It takes guts to move forward after my heart has been stomped on. And I do not have any guts. I am a coward.

- It takes effort, a daily struggle, high expectations for myself to build a new life. And I am too lazy for that. I am comfortable and this is all well known, why would I be the one to change when others are much worse off? I am mediocre.

- My thoughts, my feelings, my actions have no impact on others. I am just hurting myself.

- Seeing how others hurt me prevents me from remembering how I have hurt them. Badly. And have not asked forgiveness or made amends, when I am actively offended by how the last person that harmed me has not done that for me. I am an hipocrite.

- Therapy takes money and gasoline and I am broke. Truth is I do not think I need help. And I am not yet too desperate to do WHATEVER IT TAKES TO FEEL BETTER even if it means eating a tuna sandwich the next day.

- If I am in the past, I cannot give myself to others around me now, so I won't be hurt again.

- He has changed and now he is without me!! How could he!! Truth is he has not changed a bit. And is worse. But my inner martyr won't give me any recognition for leaving a toxic person or for anything at all I did OK then- nope. My good traits do not exist. I got the car and the common friends and the home and the company and the empty promises for a great future - with my dignity at stake. And inside this beautiful little cage lovingly sprinkled with venom, and my usually low self esteem - I trust my got and fled, I preferred my dignity above anything else. Something I had never done before. But no. I COULD HAVE done so many other things before. I enabled. I did not see the signs. I was stupid. I was too naive and innocent. I was inferior. I should have prevented all this. I am a loser. I am THE loser in all this. And the best one - I lost a great catch!! I deny the facts MYSELF.

- He deserves pain the rest of his life and I will be happy when he finally loses more and its validated to everyone, he really has a problem. I thirst revenge and justice. The truth is I feel Omnipotent, and spiritually superior (a contradiction in itself). I am confused.

- I continually live a life of misery beating myself up. If I beat myself up, and others do it too, their beating up will be confused with my own. And I won't need to stand up for myself. I have no worth. I am worthless.


WHERE DID I LEARN ALL THIS TRASH????????


This old school thinking sucks. I am glad I am recognizing it now. It SUCKS. Its just not life to live that way. ITs a self'created hell. No wonder I create hells outside, too.

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Old 06-17-2009, 12:24 AM
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I love all three of these lists.

Brilliant.

One other bit of warped logic I stumbled upon during my breakup I wanted to add to the lists . . .

It worked for my mother and my sister to set boundaries, it should work for me!

Talking to my mother last week: that's what I did with your father, I told him he would have to quit drinking if he wanted to stay around and watch you guys grow up. He quit when you were five.

Talking to my sister last week: that's what I did with Mark, he went to a conference where he was the keynote speaker and did a bunch of coke and didn't even do his presentation. I changed all the locks and I told him, I don't care what's broken inside you, you're not coming back until you fix it! He's been going to therapy three times a week since then.

Subtext: If he doesn't quit, it means I'm not worth the effort it would take him, and everyone will know. UGH.

I'm not too worried about it though, honestly. I'd rather be with someone who doesn't feel like I'm trying to fix them all the time.

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Old 06-17-2009, 05:19 AM
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Wow, thanks for the list. I have heard every one of them!!. I too began to actually believe some of it.
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Old 06-17-2009, 01:49 PM
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TakingCharge999,

You are a really good writer!!!

In case i don't get back to my thoughts about your reply i wanted to at least tell you this.

Really, you are really good.

love tammy
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Old 06-17-2009, 02:23 PM
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Thanks MeHandle, my question is, if it's so clear where HE is.. (ALL of the first list applied!) and what my list is...

Where do I go from here?????? Would it be a matter of will power only???

Well I am planning to see where all those ideas originally come from (like "inner child" work). I wonder if I will ever end, LOL.
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Old 06-17-2009, 05:09 PM
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TC999999

Your list "for you" ROCKED

I'm very very proud of you, that is HUGE growth

way to go with "the mirror" dude!!!!
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Old 06-17-2009, 08:43 PM
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Are you referring to He being God, or he being the man that was in your life?

After i know this i can share my thoughts. ( Man that is a lot to reply too. :-)

I agree with Ago , great mirror job. However, at some points I thought the mirror was broken and was distorted, because there were somethings that were a matter of truth, like the issue of worth. You have great worth,this is a truth, even if you 'feel' different about it. But i will wait for your reply before I say more.

love tammy
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Old 06-18-2009, 08:59 AM
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Thanks Ago, coming from you it means a lot.

MeHandle, I was referring to the alcoholic that was in my life.

I know his truth yet I do not believe it, talk about still being in denial about what I lived with him. I have realized this denial keeps me stuck BIG TIME. I still think I am crazy and I imagined what he put me through. Sheeeshh!

I always "resist' when people here mention "take a look at YOU" but even if afraid at first I have realized I feel much better and in control when I shift focus. I guess I am just not used to feeling my own power and recognize how much I have grown. And what I have done for ME... even if it was less than perfect.

I realize I am years light from forgiving this last person. So I am going to ask for forgiveness to two people I have harmed today.

One is another ex boyfriend. I cheated on him. With a "coworker" and friend of him. Well, it was some kisses and flirting. He found out. Then he forgave me. Today my apologies are sincere. They were before, but today (3 years later) I can actually feel his pain. I am anxious about this but I know this will be a circle closing and finally putting that story to rest. I can't believe how selfish I was. Wish me luck.

The other one is a girl friend. We were not that close, but she confided she had a crush with a guy. Next day I was already going out with him. We had a brief relationship. I never thought how I could have hurt her until now - 5 years later, too.

I will write to her as I do not have her phone #.
I will write to this guy too. We are still friends and "care" about each other. I will probably close that circle and wish him luck in the future.

Its a law of Feng Shui you need to make room for new things to come. My mind and heart are stuck in so many ways on events on the past, no wonder I do not feel fulfilled now or appreciate my new life- I feel so numb and exhausted. But at least I can experiment with different things. Given I am already learning my "way" does not work anymore.. well... never did.

MeHandle I hope you keep posting I like your posts because they are very God/HP oriented (I guess I am still in steps 1 and 2. Today flirting with step 9)


PS Today I reset my password at work and this was given to me: "Sanity" (with some other characters). LOL. Can I get some of it, please?

PPS My iPod just chose "Friends of misery" from Metallica.I hope some day I come out of denial and actually see I am no longer choosing friends of misery "misery loves company" but real friends and real people to be around me. I really need people that are expansive and daring, like you are. Man is this hard when you are alone.

PPPS I guess I will be reading all those points, and stating the lies I believe, and what is the truth. Then re read the truth as crazy and use it as "affirmations" and post them everywhere, my brain needs to be un-brainwashed and man if I can actually do it it will be so sweet and wonderful, it will be a beautiful day.

Great thread!
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Old 06-18-2009, 09:19 AM
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Originally Posted by TakingCharge999 View Post
I guess I am just not used to feeling my own power and recognize how much I have grown. And what I have done for ME... even if it was less than perfect.
psssssssst TC--

Guess what? We're ALL ALWAYS LESS THAN PERFECT.

That's part of being HUMAN, lol.

Perfectionism is a trait I used to pride myself on. Only in the last few years have I discovered how much damage it has done to me.

I accept that I am imperfect. More importantly, I accept that no matter how hard I strive, I will NEVER be perfect. Whew! What a relief.

L
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