Abundance

My friend asked me tonight what I thought was wrong about "being mean?"

I had told her that I thought I was being "mean" and that I didn't like it. I was "being mean". Just being negative. And I don't like being negative! I don't like "being mean".

Is that a co-dependent thing?

She asked me why I didn't like it..... and I told her it was because it's not nice. I don't know! It just doesn't feel good. LOL

I tell ya - I wonder if I'm going to get this massive huge ego if I really start doing well in my codie recovery~!?!
Not that "being mean" is ego...... but ego and "being mean" gives me a similar reaction/vibe. Like.... "I'm better than you; therefore, I'm mean to you."

People have told me - "You are a nice person". What a vague word. And I thought about it today. I want to get BACK to my roots. To being this earthy REAL woman.... mother goddess. And that is stronger than ego/ "being mean" / belittling etc. .... all rolled into one!

Chino

A recovering codie sheds a massive ego.

Ego is all about external influence. Our egos take a nasty hit when we're spiraling down towards our bottom. Everything we thought we knew about ourselves is ripped apart. When we actively work recovery for ourselves and no others, we find our true center and ego is set aside.

If you don't like being mean because it violates YOU, then you're setting aside ego.

Abundance

WoW Chino.. that explains why about a year ago that I would tell him that he "hurts my ego". But then I'd think to myself... wait - i don't have an "ego". But that was what would come out of my mouth. Towards the end I couldn't say "ego" anymore - because I didn't think I was anywhere near having an ego (not at least anymore).

That is so interesting. Thanks for that.

Being mean *always* violates me. It's not a good feeling, period. And when I am mad - I am mean. It sure brings light to ... "say what you mean, don't say it mean".

splendra

I don't know there have been times when I had to be really fierce especially when someone is encroaching on my space and doesn't get out of my space. I can ask sweetly and if that does not work I may have to get fierce.

I have done a lot of studying both formerly and on my own about the ego. I think it would be difficult to not have an ego. It is a part of being human.

Egos can be damaged and over inflated. I think it is important to know what motivates me and what I hope to accomplish. I can mean what I say in most cases without being mean.

NeedingHelp7

Abundance, I hated what I was becoming with AH. I was definitely becoming insane from the effects of his addiction, and my life was becoming unmanageable. My character was becoming flawed, my heart was becoming hard and with that came meanness. I hated being mean, sometimes filthy language with it. I would end up apologizing to the ones hurting me. Then I would feel like why am I apologizing, he doesn't care what he's doing to this family or me. Previously a filthy word would never come out of my mouth. I became so angry when I saw the family being so torn by addiction and everything that comes with it. I tried everything else, so why not try mean too, give him a piece of the same treatment. I wouldn't cheat, I wouldn't drink or drug, so I'll just use my mouth, maybe then he'll get it.

When I heard "say what you mean, but don't say it mean" it was an eye opener. Because I thought I had the right to be mean. I was being treated terribly.

Getting through the anger is part of the grieving process, but learning what to do with my anger took time, and boundaries. If I felt especially angry in a day, I would be tempted to call AH and tell him off for the bazillion things he's done wrong in this marriage and to the children. I had to place boundaries for myself not to do that. Don't react!! Don't get hooked every time he wanted to make me mad and ruin my day. Pray. Call a friend. Call someone in Alanon. I called the DV hotline everyday, I was so mad, confused and hurt. Then I came here, and didn't have to drive so many others crazy calling them. Anyway .... I no longer give him the power to ruin my day, bring me down to nothing. I learned to detach and that takes practice. Then serenity came. I'm sad that it all came to this, but I'm at peace now. I don't have to ruin my character because of what he is doing. This is where recovery comes in, admitting my wrongs. Admitting I need HP to help me with this, needing HP to soften my heart again. Admitting to God, myself, and another the exact nature of my wrongs.

peaceteach

My exAH used to call women b!tches a lot, women who enjoyed life and didn't let others walk on them. I think that over time I started to believe him and lost some of that "moxi" I used to possess. Thank goodness I didn't lose it all, and was able to stand up for myself and take care of myself enough to get out of that self-sacrificing, soul-crushing relationship. He would probably call me a bitch today, but I think I'm just right. Not too nice, not too mean, just right. I am generous with my love, but also able to put a hand up to danger signs and to others' problems and addictions that aren't mine to own.

Keep being nice, but also don't let others' descriptors of what mean and nice influence you more than what your "gut" tells you is truth, and what is right.

Chino

That's the difference between being assertive and aggressive. It is my nature to be aggressive so I had to learn assertiveness. It's only been this past year I feel like I finally have a good balance of both.

I'm pretty sure we couldn't exist in a society without ego. The only way to completely avoid one is having the stork drop us on a deserted island and then remain there. Insanity would surely follow.

I'm also fairly certain the only way for some people to find their true center (me included), is to fall hard enough that it rocks and shatters our individual worlds. Then the challenge begins to remain true to it.

Abundance

Gosh ... I can't stand what addiction does to me. How I would have loved to have been able to totally detach from it - separate myself from it - but it makes me totally cuckoo crazy. My physical sensations, the hurt and pain from the lies and not being able to trust, not believing words anymore, constantly examining myself to make sure I'm not crazy - I really did feel/see white powder.. etc etc. Walking on egg shells so that I don't set him off... me trying to control the situations by trying to keep the peace. I did some really lame things - thinking that I was keeping the peace. :::rolls eyes::: And then I hit my limit and I explode! He probably thinks/thought I was more crazy than him!! He even thought that I was using and lying about doing drugs. Geeez Louise. grrrrrrr

To me, "being mean", means hurting someone else - making them mad or upset.

Abundance

I'm going to share this with my therapist........ and she is going to ask me what this all comes down to. And I am going to say - "control"...... and she will nod her head agreeing.

Gawd.... even if I had my "control" in check - he still would have done what he would have done....... so at least I can comfort myself that way. But I can't help and wonder if I had kept my "control" in check if things would have been different.


But you know what? I was grasping for air - trying to keep as much sanity as possible.... control is all I really had to hold onto.

Didn't mean to go off topic here.

Chino .... I'm pretty sure I have hit bottom. Now, I just need to get through all the consequences that have happened as a result.

Chino

You're going to be OK Abs, because you want that and are working towards it

winnie12

For me when i'm mean its usually a vengence thing - i'm upset and take it out on others - sometimes those who caused the anger and sometimes the closest target. in the end it does hurt me more because it just causes negative emotions and then guilt because this is not the type of person i want to be.

There's one thing that I thought reading through the ego comments - there is a HUGE difference between ego and self-confidence. Ego is centered around pride whereas self-confidence is centered around loving oneself and having self-worth. There is nothing wrong with confidence in oneself.

splendra

My H did not want to leave it was very difficult to get him out. I had to be really strong because I knew that I was doing what was best for me. He tried to manipulate me, make me feel sorry for him, tried to change back to the dream I had about us. I had already seen his song and dance many times. Maybe he came up with a few new jokes and I laughed a kind of sinister laugh cause I knew I was done with him.
I felt mean a few times. I could feel a burning anger it did hurt a lot. Some say I look different now. I don't furrow my brow, or grit my teeth so much any more. I guess I do look different. I smile more now.

I don't know what is going on with him anymore it drains me to even think or talk about him. I am done. I am glad that I got tough it was good for me. I don't think he felt a thing.

Getting rid of him was like chopping at a twisted vine that is choking out a tree. In chopping at the vine because it was so wrapped around the tree the tree got a few nics too I put some paint on it to stop the sap from draining out. I had to dig up some roots of that vine too, the next day the tree looked better than I had ever seen it look. I am glad I got tough and maybe a little mean. Addiction is mean, meaner than I will ever be...