criss-cross

Hi.. remember me?
It's been along time since I posted. My ex is/was/probably always will be an A. I've learned to live without him, but the stress of single parenting right now has pushed me over the edge. I think I've forgotten everything I tried to learn. Maybe it's just different when it's your kids.
We haven't lived with my ex since 10/2006. He only has supervised visitation and needless to say he probably hasn't seen the kids much more than 10-15 times since then. I've dealt with the days when the middle child misses her daddy, wishes daddy was here - and helped her remember that that can't work right now & to remember the good times she has spent with her dad.
She was a DARE award winner in 5th grade.
Last year we moved to a new house in another town, not far away, but far enough. I still have some things packed in boxes in the garage and I was going thru them a couple weeks ago, when I found some alcohol I'd bought for me a couple years ago. It had been in the garage all winter and had froze I'm sure several times - it's a wonder why it didn't break.
As I look back, on finding that I wish I could redo/take back my actions and do things right. I didn't get rid of it right then.
My 13 year old daughter found it, snuck it to her room and she and her friend 12 each had one. I am so mad! at myself, at her, I could scream, and I think I did. She's not going anywhere the next 2 weeks - no movies/races. She ruined any trust I had in her.
After yelling at her, I later had her come into my room and talk. It was the "everyone's doing it". "She had watched an 8th grader drink". She is the one who seems most effected by her father's problems/leaving. I am so sad.
Obviously, I'm not a drinker - I could probablly count on one hand how many alcoholic drinks I've had in the last 2 years. Compared to some of her friends parents who drink more regularly, or probably have it in their refridge - for this to happen from my home!
I pray she listened while we talked. I pray this won't happen again. God give us both strength.
Tell me your worst - what else should I do? What else did I do wrong?

alwaysthinking2

Hi CC,

I am not a parent, so please take any and all of this with a grain of salt and with the good intentions with which this is offered.

I can sympathize that, after dealing with alcoholism for so long, you are vigilant to keep it away from your family. Your daughter is, of course, very young to be drinking, and furthermore must be mindful her whole life that she likely has an increased susceptibility to the disease. I can understand that all of these things would combine to make you very fearful. Certainly, you are wise to have talked with her and established clear boundaries.

I do wonder though, is losing all trust in your daughter commensurate with her making this one mistake? Perhaps you were just turning a phrase, but I do hope that you can communicate to your daughter that although she damaged the trust between you, that there is still trust there, and that what was lost can, and will, be rebuilt with her effort.

Best,
at2

FSquared

When we REACT to a situation...we often make bad choices. When we stop, breathe, then ACT in a situation...things are usually a little more clear.

With my own addict's recent relapse, I REACTED to the news...anger, hurt, barbs, jabs, etc...all of which were counterproductive, particularly for me. When I slowed down and accepted the situation, I found myself looking in the mirror. I wasn't looking for what I had done wrong to cause the situation (rule # 1...we DID NOT CAUSE IT!)...but rather what I could do with the situation.

Pelican

Have you tried Al-anon meetings? Have you considered Al-ateen for your children?

I attend Al-anon meetings. Through my own reading, Al-Anon and friends here at SR, I am learning to respond vs. react to life's situations. It has made a big difference in my personal serenity. I use the tools I have acquired from Al-anon, self-help and SR to focus on my feelings and how to respond in a healthy manner to co-workers, friends, family and my children. It's a process, and I like the Al-anon slogan "progress not perfection."

Recently, I have moved to another city, started a new job and am living in an apartment with my children and pets. I divorced my active alcoholic. I found local Al-Anon meetings and thought everything would be perfect. It didn't take long, but life happened. I have a co-worker that has a chemical addiction. I hit my panic button thinking: "Not another addict!?"

When I calmed down, I discussed this with a friend who has completed her 12 step program. She told me that she has grown to accept that addicts will always be a part of her life. Sometimes they will seek her assistance and support, sometimes they will pass through her life as a reminder of where she had been. That has helped me to maintain my serenity and keep my tool belt on and continue my own recovery program.

I'm not saying your young child is an addict. But I'm saying I know that when you began a new phase of your life, you were putting the cunning, crafty, manipulative behavior of addiction behind you; or so you thought. To wake up to a sample of it being in your home is a real blow. Take time to feel your emotions and feelings that have surfaced through this unfortunate event and ask yourself some questions. What is your fear? Is this about control? What will be a healthy response?

Welcome back to SR, I hope you'll stick around and get the hope, strength and support you need!

criss-cross

Thanks for the replies.
I was as I was reacting to this with her - very upset. And as I was confronting her I kept hearing all these things in the back of my head - saying calm down, don't overreact, don't do the wrong thing.
I think after we both calmed down for 10-15 minutes, I had her come in and talk with me and we were both calmer. I just wonder if she won't drink again just because she got in trouble for 2 weeks.
As for trusting her - your right, I do still have to trust her. But she sure knocked it down a few pegs. She can be so impulsive, and doesn't think sometimes (this is not a new thing).
I'm thinking I need to work with her on empowering her again with what to do when confronted with alcohol again. As I know this won't be her only trial.
Or maybe I'm just optomistic with the dawn of a new day. Time will tell.
We live in a rural area and there is not ala-teen available around here. The al-anon meeting I went to is no longer around either, I think there is probably another one around - I was the youngest one there. The kids were in counseling for 18 months or so.

Barbara52

You did what you did and its done. Whether it was good bad or indifferent. Now you have time to think about the best options going forward. Perhaps some individual or group therapy for your daughter? Or family therapy?