Aysha

I just had hernia surgery 3 weeks ago. What was one hernia turned into 3 big ones and what was suppose to be an OP procedure turned into me staying for 4 days.
When they woke me up after the surgery I went right into a serious panic attack from the pain and the dry throat and thought I was going to suffocate.
OMG..The pain was excruciating. I have never in my life felt pain like that in my life. And they kept wanting me to move and walk. I wanted to punch them all in the mouth. Didnt they know how much this hurt?
I have stitches on the inside of my abdomen all around the inside and had 20 staples in the incision. Staples are gone. I can feel the stitches inside pull when I move. It isnt fun.
I am going back to work Thu. I have been on some serious high doses of all kinds of different narcotic pain killers for 3 weeks strait and yesterday I stopped taking them all.
I have been having some serious brain zaps constantly. I have no energy and I am tired. I guess it is detoxing from the meds. I cant be goin through this at work.
So Thank goodness I am doing it now. By choice. I am not even taking my regular pain meds for the chronic knee and back pain.
I started becoming too dependant on them for energy at work.
They dont get me high just like a robot sorta and I can work and work.
I dont want to be like that.
I just started smoking again after not for over 2 mos.
But am going to stop again when I go back to work.
I know I can and will.
Well thats whats up with me.
No cravings for drugs. My van is still not drivable.
But it will be on the 3rd.
I havent been feeling SR too much lately.
I dont know why.
I am just not connecting to like I use to.
My views about my addiction and recovery have changed alot and what I expect has as well.
I dont want to be an addict. I dont plan on it. I am going to continue to fight it every chance I can.
But I am not going to live in fear of it.
This may sound sad. But I guess I have accepted what I am.
I am going to screw up sometimes. At alot of things.
Thats what my whole life has been about.
I am going through alot with the grams and me gettign along.
Me struggling with wantign to move away.
Struggling with who I am and where I want to go in my life.
I am just tired.
This is not me saying I give up and am going to continue to use.
Thats not what I am going to do.
I just feel like I am a slave to recovery or wanting it and it makes it harder for me to get and keep it.
I guess in my mind the less I make it a point in my life. The more it will happen.
It seemed to happen that way before.
It is what it is and what happens..happens.
I have no business lending advice to anyone here.
I have a million shares. But my views are alot of times not your typical one.
So I keep them to myself.
I have never been one to follow the pack. And I dont plan on starting. Not even to save my own life.
I am going to go about my life how it comes to me.
I have made it like thatb thuis far.
I have no doubt in my mind that eventually it will just be what it should be.

adore79

im glad the operation part is over for you

tommyk

Keep us updated.

Dee74

(((Chiy)))



that is all LOL
D

allport

I hope you will keep us updated Chiy.

I don't think you realise what a big part of SR you are hun.

I love to read your posts and I worry about you when you are not here, thankyou for sharing your life with us.

Aysha

HAve you ever thought it is better to leave some things well enough alone?

I am seriously thinking about moving back to Greensboro , NC. I hate NY and cant take it anymore. I feel like I cant grow here. My entire family is here. But thats the problem. I need to get out on my own for thefirst time and make a place in this world thats all my own. I need to prove to myself that I can survive on ym own. I am going to have to eventually.

My license has been suspended there since 92. I have around 20 tickets. Most of which are driving while revoked. I was in my 20's with a red camaro and a serious drug problem. So you can imagine. I ahve never had a NC license. But they have suspended it anyway.
I just called Raleigh to see what I had to do to fix this.

OMG. What a mess. I am suspended for at least 3 yrs from the time I start to take action on these tickets. It doesnt matter that it has been well over 10 yrs.
She told me I will need an attorney and I will be lucky to get it even in that 3 yrs.

It has never affected my lisence here or in FL. So now I am thinking that I gave her my current address for her to send the records. That they will send it to the DMV here and it will screw with my lisence here. Good Gravy..I hope not.

Sometimes it is better just to leave things alone.
I drove on a FL license the whole time I lived there. I guess I could do the same with my NY one if I ever do decide to go back. At least until I could get NC square.

Me and gram are not getting along lately at all. And it has gotten worse simnce my cousins XH moved in.
She wants to tell him how to raise his kids and over steps his word and lets them do the opposite of what they were just told by their parents.
I got mad and told her she isnt heir mother and she needs to stop telling them they can do things when their parents told them no. They get away with everything with her. The kids dont know who to listen to and it will always be her becasue they always get their way. I know where this type of lack of dicipline goes. Its how she was with me. When you dont have bounderies. You think you can do whatever you want whenever you want. And thats goig to hurt them in the long run.
I know it did me. They are disrespectful and talk back and it is unacceptable. Because they are never told no or diciplined. Lucky they are not my kids.
They would be gettin an old Skool ass whoopin if they talked to me the way they do their mom.

I need to get away so bad. I am getting very aggravated.