how to help?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 2
how to help?
My sister is a recovering alcoholic. In a recent situation, she saw 1 person at a family party with a drink, and completely fell apart. She stated that she feels that she needs to prevent herself from this happening in order to prevent herself from relapsing. I'm wondering if it's more a part of the recovery process, and that she must learn that there will inevitably be situations in her life where she will come in contact with a person, or few who have a drink, and she will have to deal with it personally. I'm not talking about a room full of people, or a bar. Just the occasional situation, and I equate it to her going to a restaurant to have lunch or dinner, like applebees, where the person at the table next to her may order a drink with dinner. I don't know who to ask this question to. Is she correct to think she can completely eliminate this, or I am correct to think it's a part of learning to cope with the disease? For years, everyone has bent over backwards to help, to no avail. I do not want to enable her when it comes to this subject. I'm looking for a little clarification of the situation. I suggested she contact her AA sponsor, but I do not believe this has happened.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
While it's important for her to "change her playmates and change her playgrounds" any program of recovery that depends on shielding or "protecting" the alcoholic "from temptation" is doomed to failure.
This is my experience.
BB 1st ed et al
If she gets herself sorted out, she can do anything she wants, however, if she finds herself feeling "slippery" at a party let her go. If she's in early sobriety, the first few years, she's going to find plenty of drama all by herself, best thing to do is just sit back, detach, and relax, don't buy into her "drama" it's hers.
Her sobriety is her own, you can't control that any more then you could control her drinking. Best thing you can do for yourself is just leave her alone to work her own program so you don't get caught up in it.
Drama is "catching" next thing you know you will posting here and you will be the mess not her.
This is my experience.
Assuming we are spiritually fit, we can do all sorts of things alcoholics are not supposed to do. People have said we must not go where liquor is served; we must not have it in our homes; we must shun friends who drink; we must avoid moving pictures which show drinking scenes; we must not go into bars; our friends must hide their bottles if we go to their houses; we mustn't think or be reminded about alcohol at all. Our experience shows that this is not necessarily so.
We meet these conditions every day. An alcoholic who cannot meet them, still has an alcoholic mind; there is something the matter with his spiritual status. His only chance for sobriety would be some place like the Greenland Ice Cap, and even there an Eskimo might turn up with a bottle of scotch and ruin everything! Ask any woman who has sent her husband to distant places on the theory he would escape the alcohol problem.
In our belief any scheme of combating alcoholism which proposes to shield the sick man from temptation is doomed to failure. If the alcoholic tries to shield himself he may succeed for a time, but usually winds up with a bigger explosion than ever. We have tried these methods. These attempts to do the impossible have always failed.
So our rule is not to avoid a place where there is drinking, if we have a legitimate reason for being there. That includes bars, nightclubs, dances, receptions, weddings, even plain ordinary whoopee parties. To a person who has had experience with an alcoholic, this may seem like tempting Providence, but it isn't.
You will note that we made and important qualification. Therefore, ask yourself on each occasion, "Have I any good social, business, or personal reason for going to this place?
We meet these conditions every day. An alcoholic who cannot meet them, still has an alcoholic mind; there is something the matter with his spiritual status. His only chance for sobriety would be some place like the Greenland Ice Cap, and even there an Eskimo might turn up with a bottle of scotch and ruin everything! Ask any woman who has sent her husband to distant places on the theory he would escape the alcohol problem.
In our belief any scheme of combating alcoholism which proposes to shield the sick man from temptation is doomed to failure. If the alcoholic tries to shield himself he may succeed for a time, but usually winds up with a bigger explosion than ever. We have tried these methods. These attempts to do the impossible have always failed.
So our rule is not to avoid a place where there is drinking, if we have a legitimate reason for being there. That includes bars, nightclubs, dances, receptions, weddings, even plain ordinary whoopee parties. To a person who has had experience with an alcoholic, this may seem like tempting Providence, but it isn't.
You will note that we made and important qualification. Therefore, ask yourself on each occasion, "Have I any good social, business, or personal reason for going to this place?
If she gets herself sorted out, she can do anything she wants, however, if she finds herself feeling "slippery" at a party let her go. If she's in early sobriety, the first few years, she's going to find plenty of drama all by herself, best thing to do is just sit back, detach, and relax, don't buy into her "drama" it's hers.
Her sobriety is her own, you can't control that any more then you could control her drinking. Best thing you can do for yourself is just leave her alone to work her own program so you don't get caught up in it.
Drama is "catching" next thing you know you will posting here and you will be the mess not her.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
If one of my brothers came to me and said this I guess I would just shrug and say "Hunh." Or my other favorite, "Oh."
If they pressed me for advice I'd suggest they go ask a recovering alcoholic since I can only "guess" what I think they should do since I am not an alcoholic or recovered alcoholic.
I am a "recovered" codie though - and I can tell you that offering my 2 cents to the alcoholic on what they "should do" has only ever gotten me a one way ticket to cuckoo-ville!
I'd leave it alone and let her figure it out. Maybe she can never be around alcohol again. If that's what it takes for her to remain sober, and she wishes to remain sober, then that's her business.....
peace,
b
If they pressed me for advice I'd suggest they go ask a recovering alcoholic since I can only "guess" what I think they should do since I am not an alcoholic or recovered alcoholic.
I am a "recovered" codie though - and I can tell you that offering my 2 cents to the alcoholic on what they "should do" has only ever gotten me a one way ticket to cuckoo-ville!
I'd leave it alone and let her figure it out. Maybe she can never be around alcohol again. If that's what it takes for her to remain sober, and she wishes to remain sober, then that's her business.....
peace,
b
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
If she wants, she could completely avoid people that drink.. if that's what she thinks is important. I did it for like 6 months.. and I'm glad I took the time to. I don't see any of it as "coping" with a "disease" though. I always prefer not to be around drinkers, in general it's avoidable, but by now it's tolerable..
Honestly (excuse my bluntness), I don't see how it has anything to do with you.. As she's the one in control of her recovery and how she goes about it.
Honestly (excuse my bluntness), I don't see how it has anything to do with you.. As she's the one in control of her recovery and how she goes about it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
dnon,
In my sister's (frequent) attempts at sobriety, if she decided that something was a trigger and wanted to avoid it, I respected that and did not second-guess her. It's her program, not mine, so I let her drive it. As for how to help...have you asked her what kind of help she would like?
Take care --
In my sister's (frequent) attempts at sobriety, if she decided that something was a trigger and wanted to avoid it, I respected that and did not second-guess her. It's her program, not mine, so I let her drive it. As for how to help...have you asked her what kind of help she would like?
Take care --
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