mamabin

I'm posting here because nobody is in chat.
Here I am again. I drank the last 3 weekends and I'm spending today crying. I'm probably going to miss work and I got a warning for being out 2 weeks ago.
I've played every mind game in the book. (I'm not as bad as others, I can control it, etc. etc.).
I can't control my depression if I can't control my drinking. I didn't want a sponsor because I didn't want to have to answer to anybody. Which is another mind game I know. I still don't want to answer to anybody but it is what it is.
My husband is supportive but he can't help me. If he says anything I take it as controlling or I think he looks down on me.
So I guess it's time for me to realize I just can't drink. Period

wanttolive

Hang in there Mama. I've been struggling to with the warmer weather. I know that is a stupid excuse. I have proven to myself time and again that I cannot drink AT ALL. What is only going to be a couple, turns into a couple weeks and then I have to detox all over. It sucks but You can do it!! Maybe instead of crying go for a walk. You might feel better. My thoughts are with you.

tyler

Sounds like good first step work!!

I understand where you are, I'm in the same place to some degree. Used all the excuses, keep talking about going to meetings, but not going, sponsor issues, etc. I've been able to not drink for almost a week on my own, but in my heart know I need help. I get a lot of support, but slowly I am coming around to the wisdom of the steps.

Sorry nobody's in chat. I can't even get it to work on my computer!!! This is a pretty active board so you should get some other responses soon, if not already!! Take care and best of luck. Follow your heart, not your brain.

mamabin

I don't drink from Mon-Thursday when I'm drinking. Another excuse to say I'm not that bad.

Ghostlight

I didn't drink every day, either. Just binges. One day binges. Things kept getting worse every time I drank.
At the end, eight days ago, I was throwing up after two beers. Then, I threw up blood.
That scared me enough to stay sober these last eight days.

If I can do it, you can, too.
My drinking history goes back 25 years, so I'm not a novice, that's for sure.

Hopefully, this time I'll stay quit. I'm finaly willing to do whatever it takes.

Best wishes to you,

Ghost

tyler

Binger here too. Could go day's or even weeks at a time, but would always end up getting totally hammered in the end. At first it took a half bottle of port, then a whole bottle, then a half bottle of Bacardi, then a whole bottle, then a whole bottle of whatever cheap crap I could find, when I finally moved up to the 1.5 liter bottles, I won't say I knew I had a problem, but I knew I needed to do something about it.

Today is Day 5, I think. I don't really keep count because in the past it has seemed to be "trigger" when I get to a benchmark, like a week or 30 days. Just trying to do it one day at a time, get help from here, and still talking about going to meetings. Baby steps, maybe eventually 12 of them!!

Rowan

Hey mamabin, I found sobriety through AA and the 12 Steps - never thought I would be one of 'them' but I am, and quite happy about it. My depression is manageable today and my life is very full. You seem to have realized that you are unable to control your drinking, and I know that's a hard pill to swallow. I thought I would be losing so much by giving it up, but I couldn't have been more wrong.

If I can be of any help, please feel free to PM me. You too can recover.

shaun00

Dont matter how many days a week you drink ...if youve had enough youve had enough....

why do you feel you have to "answer" to a sponsor ??.....

sponsorship relationships.. i think should be on a equal footing....its not a worker..boss relationship...

it a journey of discovery with the sponsor explaining to what he/she did..and how he/she stays sober....thats it.

it isnt about lording it over sponsee.......well it isnt with mine anyway.
i show sponsees what i did......and what i do...period.

i need them........they need me.........equal.

what you got to loose?.......

Hevyn

Mamabin, I'm sorry. I know how miserable you must feel - been there. Try to see this as an ending of the insanity. You aren't losing anything - you're regaining your life. I never wanted it to happen, but I was forced to admit that drinking for me was never happy or fun anymore. I had abused it so badly that those days could never come back. Over my decades of drinking, I built up such a tolerance for it that even round the clock drinking didn't result in anything but feeling slightly numb - never high or happy. It was a living hell in the end. You are still controlling it to some extent, by not drinking Mon.-Thurs., but the day would come when even that would change. It happened to me - I was a weekend drinker only, but over time it was never enough, and I was extending it into the rest of the week, then all day (taking it to work so I wouldn't shake). It can happen to the best of us no matter how hard we try to moderate.

Please don't be disheartened. This can be the start of a new life for you.

bjork

I can understand thinking that if you go a few days during the week w/o drinking that you are ok. I did the same.

I had bouts of being sober during the week. Eventually I always ended up drinking during the week. And on the weekends....forget about it! I got *********! Blacked out most of the time. I got right back to the point where I would tell myself "Whoa! You are getting out of control again." I could never control it. OK, maybe one or two nights going out, I completely fooled myself into thinking I could be OK. But I always ended up in the same place.

I'd feel guilty, embarrassed and stupid and tell myself, "You've got to stop when you're getting buzzed." However, that never worked out for me.

I've been through AA before. I almost got to 90 days. UGH I'm back and I am on day 6. Being an alcoholic sucks! However, I realize being an alcoholic that drinks is worse.

Hevyn

Bjork, that's so true - all the promises we make to ourselves are out the window once we swallow that first drink. It took me so long to really get it.

Charmie

hello mama.im sorry i had no idea.my abf used to stop drinking sometimes for months,he is now in AA.im not saying you are alcoholic,thats up to you.its not how much you drink or when you drink its what it does to you.i agree with what trucker said about sponsorship.all it is,is someone passing on their esh,if you dont like them find another one.my sponsor and my relationship is very much like teacher/pupil,and we have a good laugh together sometimes aswell.you know there is a solution out there.surrender to win mama,,i wish you well,lots of love charmi.:ghug

Wolfchild

Realizing that alcohol causes more problems that it solves is a good start.
Try asking for help with your most obvious difficulties and let the rest go for now.
The best source of spiritual and emotional strength has been, and continues to be, in a meeting of people who have suffered like us and have found a new way to live. They can help in ways that you can't help yourself right now and can inspire you to live better than you ever have before.

Keep posting and keep coming back!!

tommyk

Welcome to SR.

Keep coming back.

lunarise

Oh!

:ghug3

Please please shoot me a PM when you need to chat. I was on just not in the chat room.
Im sorry you are having a rough time. You can do this! I know you can. You are one strong lady! Not to mention the tons of support that is out there. Anytime you need anything just give me a hollar! I will PM you my other details.....

Dee74

hey mamabin - good to see you again

I think it's time for you to realize you just can't drink, period, too.

D

kelsh

I haven't heard many people around where I live refer to themselves as being Recovered & the first time I did I really had to think about it. Today is the first time I have seen it written out from the wording in the Big Book & it does make sense.

I have been an Alcoholic in Recovery for Twenty Years. This birthday means more to me than any of my Birth-days. I did everything that was suggested & more because I wanted to be sober more than anything else in my life.

I don't think about drinking or ever want to drink & I have been through some very difficult traumas that have affected my Depression/Anxiety. I do see a counselor once in a while when it feels like I am having a melt down...and also see a psychiatrist for my med monitoring.

I take my mental health as serious as my alcoholism and did get treatment for both at the same time in 1988. I quit taking my meds & drank instead for about fourteen years...then I guess I was self-medicating my depression with the alcohol until I got to a point that I could not function without having alcohol daily...it is funny I read where someone drank Port wine...my H and I did because it was cheaper and also strong.

I diluted mine with seven-up though. The first drink usually came back up on the weekends or else I would get drunk all over again with just one beer & have to go back to bed & start all over again.

Sick Sick I don't know why I didn't die before I got sober. I always made it to work but some mornings didn't feel good & was shaking by the time I got off work....always tried to have cash because I couldn't write a check without shaking to death....didn't want anyone to see that.

I have heard of many people picking up the first drink again after 20 + years of sobriety....I think I want to be on guard all the time as far as where I go and why I am there when it comes to others drinking.

I have taken charge of my Recovery from Alcoholism with the help of my Spiritual Self & the Serenity Prayer on a daily basis. It helps keep me safe.

kelsh

mamabin

I hear you on the shaking. I bought a new camera and just can't seem to take a clear pic these days.

Sweets79

My reply is kind of late. I'm feeling really disgusted as of late myself. Crying on and off, but haven't gone to the liquor store. It's hard as hell.

Hope you're feeling better.

hendershot

I think you can drink. You can do anything you want to do. My point: realizing that "you can't drink" or somehow it is not an option is disingenous--it is illusory. It is always an option to have a drink. If thinking that it isn't works for you then I would not want to question it. But it doesn't seem like it has thus far.
It is better to consider why it is not a good option and understand the limits of your own willpower in controlling the impulse to drink. You need to give up some of your will to your higher power or to other people around you. You need to accept help.

"You must trust and believe in people, or life becomes impossible." -Anton Chekov