sienna76

On June 8th, my dad had a partial esophagectomy. He has cancer in his esophagus from acid reflux, and chemo/radiation did not work. So he opted for a very risky surgery that removed 2/3 of his esophagus. His stomach was reattached and is now just below where his chin meets his chest. He is still in the hospital.

He originally was going to have this surgery 2 years ago, but he was too unhealthy. He had cirrhosis of the liver, an enlarged spleen, 2 heart attacks that were discovered from his EKG. Not to mention 2 packs of cigarettes a day.

However, he lost 40 pounds by changing his eating habits; he stopped drinking (occasional beer if he happens to leave the house) and his liver is actually repaired itself. What an amazement. He still smoked but now declares he's stopped smoking cold turkey.

I really thought he was going to die on the operating table. There is a 5% chance of dying on the table, and a 15% chance of dying in the hospital due to complications.

The thing that bothers me the most, the day before the day he could have died, he said to me on the phone (we live 1500 miles apart), "I don't care if I've been a bad father or a bad husband, right now is all about me and I don't care what anyone thinks of me." It was heart breaking. Then he added, "You never know, I may not want to wake up, I may be feeling to comfy to wake up."

Bless my sisters (who are both nurses, a common "caring for others" career for ACOAs) who are taking care of him. He is so mean to my mom and all of them. She doesn't want him to come home from the hospital because he is so nasty. To make it worse, he is so kind and sweet with all the nurses and doctors. Makes me so mad for them. Mom tells me it just eats her up inside.

I don't even know what I tell them as far as advice. He's an emotional abuser too, but doesn't know it.

Wascally Wabbit

My mom also treats outsiders way better, sweeter, nicer than she ever did her own kids. It's like a "show" where she puts on her very best face for other people. She's an old timer in AA. I guess she just uses AA as it is convenient for her, forgetting the 9th step. I live just far enough away to where I don't have to see her all the time and endure the criticism, and complaining.

I don't know what to say other than I hope you don't blame yourself for any of it.

sienna76

Luckily I do not blame myself for this. I do feel a little guilty because I know why I moved 1500 miles away and my other two sisters are seeing it still daily. I used to deny it to my mom (my move), but I am certain it's because I didn't want to see it all. I still offer love and support but it's from a distance.

GiveLove

Sienna,

I did the same, and it has been a very peaceful time of growth ever since. Don't fault yourself for this....just do what you can from your safe distance.

GL

Wascally Wabbit

I purposely stay far enough away so that I don't have to deal with her behavior. The thing is, an addict or alcoholic's behavior is still pretty hard to deal with even after they quit.

I simply can not tolerate the unending complaining. That's all she does! It ruins my day. I don't feel one bit guilty about not being around her either. I get to see her every couple of months, and that is plenty enough for me.

DesertEyes

Hello sienna, and sorry to hear your family is going thru all this.

I'm another one who moved away for emotional self-protection. I knew if I didn't leave I would become bitter and hard, and be of no use to anyone.

As far as what you can tell them, I'd suggest you check out a few meetings of al-anon or ACoA in your area. They have tons of great books and pamphlets, pick out a few and mail them to your Mom and sisters.

And you are also welcome to "bring" them here to SoberRecovery

Mike

sienna76

The hardest part about keeping my distance is that my only nephew who is 3 lives out there. I miss him alot and wish I could see him more often, but it would require seeing the entire family since they are all in the same town. It's like I am sacrificing a relationship with him so I can stay away from them.