How much detail of past traumas do you share with your significant others?
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Join Date: Nov 2008
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How much detail of past traumas do you share with your significant others?
Hi friends, here I am working at 3 AM and wondering...
For those of you that are in a relation post the alcoholics in your lives, how much of what you have gone through (AHs and other traumatic events in your lives) do you share with them? how much of your stories do they know?
How can you let them know where you come from (so they can understand your reactions to certain triggers) without letting the past "infecting" your present?
For those of you that are in a relation post the alcoholics in your lives, how much of what you have gone through (AHs and other traumatic events in your lives) do you share with them? how much of your stories do they know?
How can you let them know where you come from (so they can understand your reactions to certain triggers) without letting the past "infecting" your present?
Last edited by TakingCharge999; 06-15-2009 at 02:10 AM.
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from what you've described, it sounds like it might be too soon for a new relationship.
it doesn't sound like he wants a casual relationship, if he is saying he will take care of you from now on and nothing ever will separate you.
for myself, the last thing i would feel like dealing with is a man pressuring me for sex!
it doesn't sound like he wants a casual relationship, if he is saying he will take care of you from now on and nothing ever will separate you.
for myself, the last thing i would feel like dealing with is a man pressuring me for sex!
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I am very unstable. On friday it was all nice, and we got some very intimate moments, it was a great and romantic evening.
The next day we watch a movie and I am triggered by very crude rape scenes, and do not want sex at all. He insists and asked me why not, and why not....
I calmly told him "I do not need to give you any explanations. No is a complete sentence". He understood and we just hugged for some 2 or 3 hours.
Then he left (he had already told me he was not planning on sleeping over before that happened, so I do not think he left because he wouldn't get sex)
naive, thanks for bringing this up... am I ready? I do not know... he is very serious and formal, coming from a little conservative town.
Time to enforce the sex boundary..
1 the fact you come to my apartment does not mean we will have sex
2 the fact we agree to sleep together one night does not mean we will have sex. it may mean i want to sleep next to you and wake up next to you.
3 a first no is a definite no. further insistence will make me ask you to leave immediately.
4 if these rules are not respected next time, i will consider taking other measures, such as not inviting you to my apartment anymore
5 and if i need to resort to #4, i will consider seriously the fact i cannot trust you to respect me and will probably leave the relationship
The guy told me he broke up with his last ex because of "too much sex"....
Oh God, don't tell me I am with a sex addict now...
The good thing being that I am not as emotionally invested and I know what boundaries are.. and I am no longer complacent doing anything to keep him happy, I put myself first now and its good progress
The therapist did not see it as a big deal but told me boundaries needed to be enforced 2, 3 times - and if the pattern repeats itself, KAPUT. This would be the 2nd "warning"
Again, I am asking God for clarity. Even if it hurts. He showed it to me with ex AH, and man did it hurt, but well God, please please show me the true colors of this guy, show me his true intentions and give me signs of what to do... please open my eyes!!
Ok. Now I can go to sleep...
The next day we watch a movie and I am triggered by very crude rape scenes, and do not want sex at all. He insists and asked me why not, and why not....
I calmly told him "I do not need to give you any explanations. No is a complete sentence". He understood and we just hugged for some 2 or 3 hours.
Then he left (he had already told me he was not planning on sleeping over before that happened, so I do not think he left because he wouldn't get sex)
naive, thanks for bringing this up... am I ready? I do not know... he is very serious and formal, coming from a little conservative town.
Time to enforce the sex boundary..
1 the fact you come to my apartment does not mean we will have sex
2 the fact we agree to sleep together one night does not mean we will have sex. it may mean i want to sleep next to you and wake up next to you.
3 a first no is a definite no. further insistence will make me ask you to leave immediately.
4 if these rules are not respected next time, i will consider taking other measures, such as not inviting you to my apartment anymore
5 and if i need to resort to #4, i will consider seriously the fact i cannot trust you to respect me and will probably leave the relationship
The guy told me he broke up with his last ex because of "too much sex"....
Oh God, don't tell me I am with a sex addict now...
The good thing being that I am not as emotionally invested and I know what boundaries are.. and I am no longer complacent doing anything to keep him happy, I put myself first now and its good progress
The therapist did not see it as a big deal but told me boundaries needed to be enforced 2, 3 times - and if the pattern repeats itself, KAPUT. This would be the 2nd "warning"
Again, I am asking God for clarity. Even if it hurts. He showed it to me with ex AH, and man did it hurt, but well God, please please show me the true colors of this guy, show me his true intentions and give me signs of what to do... please open my eyes!!
Ok. Now I can go to sleep...
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Join Date: Feb 2008
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Intimacy should never be an obligation.
I can't imagine wanting sex after watching rape scenes, either. In fact, I don't *do* violence. I don't allow those sorts of images to infiltrate my brain, particularly when I am feeling vulnerable. When I watch a violent movie, I turn it off when it becomes disturbing.
That being said, I think having those boundaries around intimacy makes perfect sense. If you are feeling pressured and need to have that dialogue, whether internally or externally, it sounds like good practice.
A good person will respect that you have a unique perspective, unique needs, and a unique past. If he can deal with it, great. If he can't, then it's not the right relationship for you, imho.
I can't imagine wanting sex after watching rape scenes, either. In fact, I don't *do* violence. I don't allow those sorts of images to infiltrate my brain, particularly when I am feeling vulnerable. When I watch a violent movie, I turn it off when it becomes disturbing.
That being said, I think having those boundaries around intimacy makes perfect sense. If you are feeling pressured and need to have that dialogue, whether internally or externally, it sounds like good practice.
A good person will respect that you have a unique perspective, unique needs, and a unique past. If he can deal with it, great. If he can't, then it's not the right relationship for you, imho.
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I, too, am feeling like nowwhat: I don't do violence nor do I do violent sex in any form. That includes visuals and conversations.
Any man I would consider allowing myself to be intimate with would also not enjoy rape scenes in a movie. Now, its not to say I have not gone to a movie and discovered myself in the middle of something I will not watch, but when it comes down to choosing movie content, I am careful.
Any relationship will only be as emotionally healthy, nurturing, and positive as each of the individuals in it. Plus, it helps to share sacred values and to be looking down the same or at least similar roads in terms of what you each hope to have in your relationship vis a vis family, marriage, or not.
good luck!
Any man I would consider allowing myself to be intimate with would also not enjoy rape scenes in a movie. Now, its not to say I have not gone to a movie and discovered myself in the middle of something I will not watch, but when it comes down to choosing movie content, I am careful.
Any relationship will only be as emotionally healthy, nurturing, and positive as each of the individuals in it. Plus, it helps to share sacred values and to be looking down the same or at least similar roads in terms of what you each hope to have in your relationship vis a vis family, marriage, or not.
good luck!
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Thanks all for your input.
No I do not think he got turned on by those scenes, he was just as shocked... then the movie went on. And after that we watched a different movie altogether, like a National Geographic one with elephants migrating and bear cubs and different stuff, so those scenes were already "past" (at least for him) before he suggested anything...
This guy wants to have sex daily, regardless of movies or not movies. I am planning on asking him, "ok, so you said your past relation went bad because of this. Are you doing anything differently this time? as I see its already eroding our relation" and take it from there. We also go out for coffee and out to little towns to grab lunch, movies outside, etc so even if my black/white glasses wants me to see him as a sex crazed maniac, I know things are just shades of gray...
I also told him that I was not to watch any violent movie with him anymore (or with anyone else). I am less and less tolerant to violence and it seems I get those "vibes" and stick to them really easily.
And no, we do not "do" any violent stuff on bed, I would also RUN very far if it was the case. Its more like, the frequency that bothers me...
I am not sure if I need to tell him everything, I do not want for him to see me like a helpless victim.
I guess I will be addressing this again in therapy..
Yesterday he mentioned he wanted to see a therapist himself (!)
And yes, of course I had lots of nightmares with ex AH... UGHHHHHHHHHHHHH when will I ever be free!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks anvilhead, today I will try not beat myself up, walk on the park and watch some pink panther while I eat a lovely dinner prepared by me FOR me, even with a candlelight
and my fav chillout music!!
No I do not think he got turned on by those scenes, he was just as shocked... then the movie went on. And after that we watched a different movie altogether, like a National Geographic one with elephants migrating and bear cubs and different stuff, so those scenes were already "past" (at least for him) before he suggested anything...
This guy wants to have sex daily, regardless of movies or not movies. I am planning on asking him, "ok, so you said your past relation went bad because of this. Are you doing anything differently this time? as I see its already eroding our relation" and take it from there. We also go out for coffee and out to little towns to grab lunch, movies outside, etc so even if my black/white glasses wants me to see him as a sex crazed maniac, I know things are just shades of gray...
I also told him that I was not to watch any violent movie with him anymore (or with anyone else). I am less and less tolerant to violence and it seems I get those "vibes" and stick to them really easily.
And no, we do not "do" any violent stuff on bed, I would also RUN very far if it was the case. Its more like, the frequency that bothers me...
I am not sure if I need to tell him everything, I do not want for him to see me like a helpless victim.
I guess I will be addressing this again in therapy..
Yesterday he mentioned he wanted to see a therapist himself (!)
And yes, of course I had lots of nightmares with ex AH... UGHHHHHHHHHHHHH when will I ever be free!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks anvilhead, today I will try not beat myself up, walk on the park and watch some pink panther while I eat a lovely dinner prepared by me FOR me, even with a candlelight
and my fav chillout music!!
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First, I want to make it clear that I totally agree that you have the right to say no. Sex is not an obligation in any relationship and should absolutely, always be mutual.
Having said that--
There are so many things that make a relationship compatible (or not). Quite honestly, for me one of those things is libido. I believe many couples struggle with libidos that do not match. Not that every couple is always going to be in synch, but if one prefers daily, and the other is more a weekly or biweekly, there will always be tension.
There is nothing wrong with wanting sex daily or more. There is also nothing wrong wanting wanting it less. It is one of those many things that need to line up in order for a relationship to work.
Maybe you two have so many things you agree on that this issue is not a big deal. Then again, maybe it's just not the right match. The worst thing you can try to do is attempt to change him. He has a high libido. Can you live with that? Yours is somewhat lower. Can he live with that? Is there some common ground or compromise here? Or will it always be a source of tension? Personally, I prefer to be with someone whose 'frequency' matches mine. Makes for a much more relaxed and pleasant situation.
L
Having said that--
There are so many things that make a relationship compatible (or not). Quite honestly, for me one of those things is libido. I believe many couples struggle with libidos that do not match. Not that every couple is always going to be in synch, but if one prefers daily, and the other is more a weekly or biweekly, there will always be tension.
There is nothing wrong with wanting sex daily or more. There is also nothing wrong wanting wanting it less. It is one of those many things that need to line up in order for a relationship to work.
Maybe you two have so many things you agree on that this issue is not a big deal. Then again, maybe it's just not the right match. The worst thing you can try to do is attempt to change him. He has a high libido. Can you live with that? Yours is somewhat lower. Can he live with that? Is there some common ground or compromise here? Or will it always be a source of tension? Personally, I prefer to be with someone whose 'frequency' matches mine. Makes for a much more relaxed and pleasant situation.
L
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Thanks LTD.
Definitely, I will address this with him...
He is younger than me (he is 24) so this may account for his drive...
I do not want to be unfair to him, its not he is always insisting. I know he wants sex daily but its not that if we go for a late coffee or dinner he will bring it up or insist afterwards.
For instance one week of every month I am too busy, working night and day, etc. and I get really stressed so I will tell him when I am on my On call, I prefer not to see him. I am just too tense, for sex or talking or anything that is not my job.
Then there are other weeks that my libido matches his (you know, those womanly cycles) and we spend a really good time.
For instance Friday, Friday was great and wonderful, but then Saturday I am already feeling down, then some triggers and when Friday his advances were welcome, on Saturday I perceive them as an attack and totally unappropiate... so I can see how these "mixed signals" can make him feel. But then again sex is when I choose to do it... thanks for the reminder
He will need to be OK with these changing moods of mine... otherwise its disaster...
Well, let's see what we come up with...
Yesterday he asked forgiveness for being so horney, and said he won't push it anymore because he cares about me and we should always respect each other... so ... perhaps there is some common ground there... of course he had already said that before so I am just willing to give a Final Warning or else it will become a Major Issue.
Thanks for all the great insights
Definitely, I will address this with him...
He is younger than me (he is 24) so this may account for his drive...
I do not want to be unfair to him, its not he is always insisting. I know he wants sex daily but its not that if we go for a late coffee or dinner he will bring it up or insist afterwards.
For instance one week of every month I am too busy, working night and day, etc. and I get really stressed so I will tell him when I am on my On call, I prefer not to see him. I am just too tense, for sex or talking or anything that is not my job.
Then there are other weeks that my libido matches his (you know, those womanly cycles) and we spend a really good time.
For instance Friday, Friday was great and wonderful, but then Saturday I am already feeling down, then some triggers and when Friday his advances were welcome, on Saturday I perceive them as an attack and totally unappropiate... so I can see how these "mixed signals" can make him feel. But then again sex is when I choose to do it...
thanks for the reminder He will need to be OK with these changing moods of mine... otherwise its disaster...
Well, let's see what we come up with...
Yesterday he asked forgiveness for being so horney, and said he won't push it anymore because he cares about me and we should always respect each other... so ... perhaps there is some common ground there... of course he had already said that before so I am just willing to give a Final Warning or else it will become a Major Issue.
Thanks for all the great insights
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UGH, yet another area where I still live in the past.. I guess when I finally LEARN TO LIVE THE PRESENT MOMENT I will be more "tuned" to those vibes...
I am 27 and feel like I am 67, I do not even know my own libido, how am I supposed to teach someone else about it? LOL.
I am 27 and feel like I am 67, I do not even know my own libido, how am I supposed to teach someone else about it? LOL.
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40? Oh that gave me hope
UGH. there have been a few times when i got the chance to live something great with guys i really liked (a casual thing with "friends") and I always am in those "days", and we cannot wait to do it in a few days later, because they live somewhere else or i am just traveling and leave the next day! and when I meet them again I got a bf or they got a gf and the opportunity is gone.
It has happened to me so many times now I think its a joke. Its difficult for me to get that horney with someone, and when there is a chance among 10000000000000000000 of doing it... I can't... LOL
And then there is someone nice with really great looks, a really great, passionate lover and there I am (more often than not) feeling as sexy as a sponge and not feeling libido AT ALL... there I am on the king size bed just feeling like, bleahhhhhh... do not even suggest anything...
What is wrong with me?????
UGH. there have been a few times when i got the chance to live something great with guys i really liked (a casual thing with "friends") and I always am in those "days", and we cannot wait to do it in a few days later, because they live somewhere else or i am just traveling and leave the next day! and when I meet them again I got a bf or they got a gf and the opportunity is gone.
It has happened to me so many times now I think its a joke. Its difficult for me to get that horney with someone, and when there is a chance among 10000000000000000000 of doing it... I can't... LOL
And then there is someone nice with really great looks, a really great, passionate lover and there I am (more often than not) feeling as sexy as a sponge and not feeling libido AT ALL... there I am on the king size bed just feeling like, bleahhhhhh... do not even suggest anything...
What is wrong with me?????
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Originally Posted by TakingCharge999 
I know he wants sex daily but its not that if we go for a late coffee or dinner he will bring it up or insist afterwards.
L
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I don't think it's off topic--deciding when you are ready for intimacy, knowing how often, being really conscious of when you are deciding to compromise--hurrah for paying close attention to what you need.
Insist on what is right for you.
Insist on what is right for you.
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Thanks LTD..
By now I know there are some boundaries that are not being enforced/ respected...
And for instance, let's say that happened on Sat, me just aiming for hugs and that's all...
Then if later today I feel ready again, I will feel badly because on Sat. I am all "do NOT touch me" and 2 days later I am all for it.
I do not get it but I will give this more thought... because I am not planning to bad trip about this anymore....... or post the same thread 2 weeks later!!!!!
By now I know there are some boundaries that are not being enforced/ respected...
And for instance, let's say that happened on Sat, me just aiming for hugs and that's all...
Then if later today I feel ready again, I will feel badly because on Sat. I am all "do NOT touch me" and 2 days later I am all for it.
I do not get it but I will give this more thought... because I am not planning to bad trip about this anymore....... or post the same thread 2 weeks later!!!!!
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