The beginnin of my personal journey of recovery
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: California
Posts: 131
The beginnin of my personal journey of recovery
I want to start by saying that the posts and comments I have read here have been very helpful and supportive. Thanks to everyone for being willing to share their experiences.
I am very new to the process of my personal recovery. My significant other of 5 years has been in treatment now for 10 weeks, but as I have come to understand has had an addiction issue for the entire time that I have known her. During those 5 years, I have been a wonderful enabler of her addictions.
Ten weeks ago, I reached the point where I created and defended a boundary and made her leave our home. I gave her the choice, treatment or the street. She chose treatment (which I am paying for), but she has been incredibly treatment resistant.
About a week ago, she wanted to leave her current treatment program and move to a Sober Living home, and orchestrate her own treatment, and to be responsible for getting herself to AA meetings and therapy appointments. Based on the recommendation of her treatment team, I refused to support plan. I was again forced to give her the choice, treatment or the street.
I am seeing a therapist of my own, and have started to go to Al Anon meetings, but am struggling with so many things and questions. I recognize that I at a minimum, I have co-dependent tendencies, and that I have been an enabler.
But, I am struggling with so many things…
1. When does being compassionate and helpful morph to become co-dependency?
2. Am I doing the right thing by offering to pay for treatment at all? Or is that in a way sparing her from the consequences of her addiction?
3. Why did I allow all of this to go on for so long? How could I have been an enabler to the degree I was?
4. I find myself wanting to ensure that her therapy team understands “the real story.” Is that helpful, or just a control tactic on my part? Is it an effort to control and cure something that can’t be controlled or cured (at least by me).
5. I want to write her a scathing letter pointing out all of the incredibly harmful, deceitful and destructive things she has done. I find myself thinking “if only she could see and understand the destruction she leaves in her wake. I feel as if I have been wronged, but know that it was my choices that caused me to stay in relationship with someone who was not healthy.
And the list goes on.
What advice and counsel does everyone have for someone who is just taking the first steps to personally getting better?
I am very new to the process of my personal recovery. My significant other of 5 years has been in treatment now for 10 weeks, but as I have come to understand has had an addiction issue for the entire time that I have known her. During those 5 years, I have been a wonderful enabler of her addictions.
Ten weeks ago, I reached the point where I created and defended a boundary and made her leave our home. I gave her the choice, treatment or the street. She chose treatment (which I am paying for), but she has been incredibly treatment resistant.
About a week ago, she wanted to leave her current treatment program and move to a Sober Living home, and orchestrate her own treatment, and to be responsible for getting herself to AA meetings and therapy appointments. Based on the recommendation of her treatment team, I refused to support plan. I was again forced to give her the choice, treatment or the street.
I am seeing a therapist of my own, and have started to go to Al Anon meetings, but am struggling with so many things and questions. I recognize that I at a minimum, I have co-dependent tendencies, and that I have been an enabler.
But, I am struggling with so many things…
1. When does being compassionate and helpful morph to become co-dependency?
2. Am I doing the right thing by offering to pay for treatment at all? Or is that in a way sparing her from the consequences of her addiction?
3. Why did I allow all of this to go on for so long? How could I have been an enabler to the degree I was?
4. I find myself wanting to ensure that her therapy team understands “the real story.” Is that helpful, or just a control tactic on my part? Is it an effort to control and cure something that can’t be controlled or cured (at least by me).
5. I want to write her a scathing letter pointing out all of the incredibly harmful, deceitful and destructive things she has done. I find myself thinking “if only she could see and understand the destruction she leaves in her wake. I feel as if I have been wronged, but know that it was my choices that caused me to stay in relationship with someone who was not healthy.
And the list goes on.
What advice and counsel does everyone have for someone who is just taking the first steps to personally getting better?
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: MO
Posts: 743
Welcome!! You are off to a great start!
I'll just address #5.....I wrote the letter. On the advice of wise people here I should have just written the letter, kept it, or burned it, or eaten it...any thing but given it to my STBXAH. But I did give it to him. He read it, in a passive-aggressive way washed it in his jeans pocket, and used the contents of it to degrade me for months. He still brings it up, and says it was all lies.
Now I can put my fingers in my ears and say "LALALALALALALA, I can't hear you". He wrote me his own 5 page letter the day he moved out.....full of manipulation and lies.
I would consider holding off on the letter and try a journal instead.
I'll just address #5.....I wrote the letter. On the advice of wise people here I should have just written the letter, kept it, or burned it, or eaten it...any thing but given it to my STBXAH. But I did give it to him. He read it, in a passive-aggressive way washed it in his jeans pocket, and used the contents of it to degrade me for months. He still brings it up, and says it was all lies.
Now I can put my fingers in my ears and say "LALALALALALALA, I can't hear you". He wrote me his own 5 page letter the day he moved out.....full of manipulation and lies.
I would consider holding off on the letter and try a journal instead.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Welcome! I know much wiser folks than me will be coming soon to greet you.
1. When does being compassionate and helpful morph to become co-dependency?
When your thoughts or actions harm yourself, others come first instead of YOU, or you use focus on others as an escape to avoid seeing yourself and YOUR actions.
2. Am I doing the right thing by offering to pay for treatment at all? Or is that in a way sparing her from the consequences of her addiction?
I would say if she is ill she needs to pay. I would say you are sparing her from the financial impact of HER illness.
3. Why did I allow all of this to go on for so long? How could I have been an enabler to the degree I was?
UGH! Good question. The important thing is that you are realizing this NOW. Do not beat up for the past, you did ALL you could.. with the info.you got at those moments. I am glad you got tired of that and are giving yourself different options
4. I find myself wanting to ensure that her therapy team understands “the real story.” Is that helpful, or just a control tactic on my part? Is it an effort to control and cure something that can’t be controlled or cured (at least by me).
I do not think its helpful. Its controlling... me too, when an ex AH boyfriend I had went off to tell everybody his version of stuff... I wanted so much for everyone to see MY story...
Bottomline, those are experts she is dealing with. They will make their own conclusions.
Just as, the common friends that really cared about me, would show me some support without me saying anything (it was only one of them, but good for me to stop considering all the others "my" friends)
5. I want to write her a scathing letter pointing out all of the incredibly harmful, deceitful and destructive things she has done. I find myself thinking “if only she could see and understand the destruction she leaves in her wake. I feel as if I have been wronged, but know that it was my choices that caused me to stay in relationship with someone who was not healthy.
Oh I did write a letter, and I did say things out loud. I was met with silence and manipulation.
Although I was advised not to do so, I did that.. I guess I had to realize MYSELF that the guy could not care less.
After some time I realize that if you NEED to write a letter or "make the other see how much you hurt" THEN... its no use if you do write and send it or if you talk and shout what you feel infront of the person. If they realized, if they cared, if they were not blinded by their addictions, they would realize that themselves. You need to accept she may never even acknowledge what he has done to you, not to mention accept she had responsibility on it or make amends.
The good news is that you can journal and burn the papers, or "talk" to her symbolically and your mind will believe it was actually her you were talking to... and you will be able to reach "closure" yourself, regardless of what she does or thinks.
Welcome!! I am sure others will have better answers...these were just my 2 cents.
1. When does being compassionate and helpful morph to become co-dependency?
When your thoughts or actions harm yourself, others come first instead of YOU, or you use focus on others as an escape to avoid seeing yourself and YOUR actions.
2. Am I doing the right thing by offering to pay for treatment at all? Or is that in a way sparing her from the consequences of her addiction?
I would say if she is ill she needs to pay. I would say you are sparing her from the financial impact of HER illness.
3. Why did I allow all of this to go on for so long? How could I have been an enabler to the degree I was?
UGH! Good question. The important thing is that you are realizing this NOW. Do not beat up for the past, you did ALL you could.. with the info.you got at those moments. I am glad you got tired of that and are giving yourself different options
4. I find myself wanting to ensure that her therapy team understands “the real story.” Is that helpful, or just a control tactic on my part? Is it an effort to control and cure something that can’t be controlled or cured (at least by me).
I do not think its helpful. Its controlling... me too, when an ex AH boyfriend I had went off to tell everybody his version of stuff... I wanted so much for everyone to see MY story...
Bottomline, those are experts she is dealing with. They will make their own conclusions.
Just as, the common friends that really cared about me, would show me some support without me saying anything (it was only one of them, but good for me to stop considering all the others "my" friends)
5. I want to write her a scathing letter pointing out all of the incredibly harmful, deceitful and destructive things she has done. I find myself thinking “if only she could see and understand the destruction she leaves in her wake. I feel as if I have been wronged, but know that it was my choices that caused me to stay in relationship with someone who was not healthy.
Oh I did write a letter, and I did say things out loud. I was met with silence and manipulation.
Although I was advised not to do so, I did that.. I guess I had to realize MYSELF that the guy could not care less.
After some time I realize that if you NEED to write a letter or "make the other see how much you hurt" THEN... its no use if you do write and send it or if you talk and shout what you feel infront of the person. If they realized, if they cared, if they were not blinded by their addictions, they would realize that themselves. You need to accept she may never even acknowledge what he has done to you, not to mention accept she had responsibility on it or make amends.
The good news is that you can journal and burn the papers, or "talk" to her symbolically and your mind will believe it was actually her you were talking to... and you will be able to reach "closure" yourself, regardless of what she does or thinks.
Welcome!! I am sure others will have better answers...these were just my 2 cents.
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
4. I find myself wanting to ensure that her therapy team understands “the real story.” Is that helpful, or just a control tactic on my part? Is it an effort to control and cure something that can’t be controlled or cured (at least by me).
IMHO, a letter written would be good for you, but not in the way you're thinking. It's therapeutic for you, just as writing about it here is - but to expect any sort of reaction out of her is setting yourself up for further disappointment.
Sounds to me like you're off to a great start, keep it up and let us know how it's going!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
5. I want to write her a scathing letter pointing out all of the incredibly harmful, deceitful and destructive things she has done. I find myself thinking “if only she could see and understand the destruction she leaves in her wake. I feel as if I have been wronged, but know that it was my choices that caused me to stay in relationship with someone who was not healthy.
My experience is that getting it out is good.. and writing it down is particularly cathartic. But getting them to see.. that is another thing altogether. It is part of what keeps you, me, us in the unhealthy situation.
Write the letter.. keep it for you.. one day maybe she will be in a place, a stage of recovery, where she can read it.
Su**endering...
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Charleston, SC
Posts: 102
Sounds to me like you are still overly concerned about her...and projecting about what she may or may not be doing. I know that is what eats at you...over and over... I am felt the same way for many years...and have only now realized the wonder of detachment from it. She's an addict. Addicts only really care about one thing when they are using.
Take a look in the mirror. What is all this anger and hurt doing to you? Why hold on to it? Why hold on to the mountain of resentment? If you're like me, it has completely depressed you and gotten all your energy focused on your addict and "making it right". Reality is that is probably never going to happen...or at least for a long time.
The best thing you can do is focus on yourself, your own thoughts and actions, your sanity. Do you really want to be that "angry guy who spends all day complaining about his wife?" I doubt that's really your style. But if you stay mired in all this pain and resentment...that's all people are going to see of you.
She will till her own field...you can't till it for her. You can't hold the hoe. You can't supply the seed. You can't water the field.
Just my $.02.
Take a look in the mirror. What is all this anger and hurt doing to you? Why hold on to it? Why hold on to the mountain of resentment? If you're like me, it has completely depressed you and gotten all your energy focused on your addict and "making it right". Reality is that is probably never going to happen...or at least for a long time.
The best thing you can do is focus on yourself, your own thoughts and actions, your sanity. Do you really want to be that "angry guy who spends all day complaining about his wife?" I doubt that's really your style. But if you stay mired in all this pain and resentment...that's all people are going to see of you.
She will till her own field...you can't till it for her. You can't hold the hoe. You can't supply the seed. You can't water the field.
Just my $.02.
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