Is hiring a lawyer for his DUI being codependent?

Old 06-14-2009, 07:54 AM
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Is hiring a lawyer for his DUI being codependent?

I've been reading about boundaries and in particular, the law of reaping and sowing. That there need to be consequences to one's actions and if codependents step in, there are never consequences.

However, I'm confused when it comes to when you are married. Was hiring an atty codependent? If we didn't then he would have gone to jail for 4x as long which would have affected his pay and ultimately me and the kids.

He has an atty for both DUIs. Honestly, I regret doing it for the 2nd one, but as I said above, how do you determine what you are doing is best for you and your kids in re: money versus codependent.

So assuming there is more legal trouble, as a wife, do you refuse to get him legal help?
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Old 06-14-2009, 08:16 AM
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Is there some reason why he couldn't hire a lawyer himself? And yes, if there is more legal trouble, I would definitely refuse to get him legal help. It sounds like a pattern is developing and it might be a good idea to move some of (most of?) your finances into your own private account. Alcoholics can and will drain you dry in more ways than one.
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Old 06-14-2009, 08:24 AM
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OWI penalties vary depending upon where you live... but they all carry consequences — even if you have an attorney. Why does he need one? If he was driving drunk and got arrested - it is what it is. More time in jail - perhaps to dry out and seek treatment. Maybe a good thing.

The real burden on your family will be the huge auto insurance rates - for a long, long time.

Those are the consequences. Unfortunately, it effects every other person the offender is financially associated with... you and your family. These are the burdens we take on when we opt to stay in an alcoholic relationship.
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Old 06-14-2009, 09:02 AM
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I don't think you can pick apart certain actions and say "this is codependent" and "this is not." It's an overall pattern of relating and interacting.

I paid my husbands taxes for the last 4 years of our marriage. I could argue that it was in my best interests to do so because the IRS would come after me because we were married. But, the overall pattern of our marriage was one of him being irresponsible and me 'taking care of it' when his irresponsibility caught up with us. So, whether the paying of the taxes was codependent or self-preservation was not the question. The question was 'why am I in a marriage with someone I have to protect myself from?'

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Old 06-14-2009, 09:16 AM
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To answer your questions, he did hire himself and signed the retainer, but the funds come from both our incomes as this is a community property state. Why does he need an atty--I regret it for the second DUI--I guess to mostly minimize the damage. Which I see now probably isn't helpful in the long term.

This is a pattern. He has had 3 legal problems and all 3 we have had an atty. I fear he will have more.

This is so eye opening, the more I read on here, the more I am....I realize what mistakes I made and am still making.

When you are married, you don't want him to lose his job.
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Old 06-14-2009, 09:34 AM
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Thanks for the clarification...I was under the impression that YOU personally, hired the lawyer FOR him instead of him doing it himself. That is where I was coming from with my response.

I am so sorry you are going through this and yes, it can be a real eye-opener. The most important thing for you to do is protect yourself and your children in all ways, including financially. It may be a community property state, but that's no reason why you can't have funds of your own to take care of your necessary household expenses while he is going through these issues. (((HUGS)))
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Old 06-14-2009, 09:37 AM
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Another reason to ask whyamIstaying? He got caught. What if he killed somebody? Everything you have worked for, house, all your possessions, etc would be lost in a civil suit.
If you decide to stay, you may want to purchase a million dollar liability insurance policy that covers drunk driving.

The DUI's didn't force his bottom....maybe you leaving him will.
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Old 06-14-2009, 09:41 AM
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If you decide to stay, you may want to purchase a million dollar liability insurance policy that covers drunk driving.

Does such a thing even exist? Not to my knowledge.
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Old 06-14-2009, 09:43 AM
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Another thought...You might want to consult with your own attorney regarding a legal separation. I'm not sure if you would be protected financially this way, but an attorney would be able to advise you.
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Old 06-14-2009, 09:46 AM
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Originally Posted by FunnyOne View Post
If you decide to stay, you may want to purchase a million dollar liability insurance policy that covers drunk driving.
Heck, why not just hire a limousine and chauffeur to drive him around everywhere? You could probably do it for the cost of all the lawyers and insurance.

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Old 06-14-2009, 09:51 AM
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Is it codependency when you do it to avoid the rest of the family suffering more? Bottom line is though - the behavior is likely to continue.
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Old 06-14-2009, 09:55 AM
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Someone wonderful on this site once posted a healthy approach to marital finances. It went something like this:
Both partners have their own personal accounts.
There is also a joint account.
A family budget determines monthly expenses and how much each partner contributes to the joint account to cover monthly expenses.
Anything left in personal accounts is spent/invested as desired.

So, given that healthy scenario of marital assests; are you contributing from your personal finances over and above the necessary budget to finance his legal situations?

If no, then you are allowing him the full consequences for his behavior.
If yes, then you are allowing him to share his consequences with his entire family. You are carrying part of his burden.

I agree that consulting a lawyer at this point is a great idea. I filed for divorce, not seperation, to get legal protection from an active alcoholic and the financial fall out.
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Old 06-14-2009, 10:10 AM
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Originally Posted by Still Waters View Post
Is it codependency when you do it to avoid the rest of the family suffering more? Bottom line is though - the behavior is likely to continue.
It doesn't matter. What matters is the bigger picture. Marriage isn't about protecting the family from suffering at the hands of one of the partners. At least not for me. Not any more.

Call it codependency, call it self-protection, call it whatever you want. Is the situation healthy? Is it they way you want your life to be? Is it what you want in a life partner? If what you have and what you want do not line up, what are you going to do about it? He is living life the way he wants to. Are you?

As I said before, it's not about picking apart one action from another. It's about looking at the big picture. What do you want your life to look like?

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Old 06-14-2009, 10:22 AM
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I was going to add my two cents, but after reading the last several posts - it was all said so well!

What do you want out of your life? More of this stuff?
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Old 06-14-2009, 10:24 AM
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I agree LTD. It seems to me that codependency is many things to many people. In this case would it be codependency to get a lawyer for a short term fix until whyami can get her long term plans into action? I don't think so.

The why's make the difference, in my opinion.
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Old 06-14-2009, 10:30 AM
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Well, I guess if you need it to make a difference, then so be it. Codependency, for me, was just a convenient label to identify what was wrong in my life. I don't really feel the need to analyze this behavior or that behavior and decide one is codependent and another is not.

Personally, I believe that the society we live in is highly dysfunctional. Codependence, addiction, selfishness, cruelty, irresponsibility, greed, judgement (I could go on and on) are all obstacles that prevent individuals from living their best life. I am more interested in living my best life than defining the correct title for my obstacles.

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Old 06-14-2009, 06:04 PM
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa View Post
Call it codependency, call it self-protection, call it whatever you want. Is the situation healthy? Is it they way you want your life to be? Is it what you want in a life partner? If what you have and what you want do not line up, what are you going to do about it? He is living life the way he wants to. Are you?
L
This so hits home. I'm starting to see this. He can chose to drink and he is an adult. I can't control it and I can't stop it. I think I'm seeing this now, but believe me it has taken me a lot to get there. Crazy enough, it was him drinking after being in a rehab for 30 days. I kept thinking, "How can you possibly buy beer after we have spent so much money on rehab?" "He has to know not to."

So, no I am not living the life I want. I'm learning (very slowly it seems) what I did wrong.
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Old 06-14-2009, 06:14 PM
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Originally Posted by whyamistaying View Post
This so hits home. I'm starting to see this. He can chose to drink and he is an adult. I can't control it and I can't stop it. I think I'm seeing this now, but believe me it has taken me a lot to get there. Crazy enough, it was him drinking after being in a rehab for 30 days. I kept thinking, "How can you possibly buy beer after we have spent so much money on rehab?" "He has to know not to."

So, no I am not living the life I want. I'm learning (very slowly it seems) what I did wrong.
How bout changing "what I did wrong" to "what I will do differently in the future"

I find for myself, placing "value" like "right" and 'wrong" on things sometimes obscures the issue itself.

You did the best you could with the tools you had.

Now you are learning different tools you will do things differently.

That way you can put down that big bat of judgment you are using on yourself and concentrate on "solution"

If you concentrate on "the problem" the problem increases, if you focus on "the solution" the solution increases.

I think our "beating ourselves up" for "doing it wrong" is actually part of the problem. We spend so much time focusing on that and beating ourselves up, or "how we were wronged" we don't take any time to focus on the solution.

So, what will you do differently now?
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Old 06-14-2009, 06:40 PM
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I have to agree. That's kinda the point I was feebly trying to make here. It's not about saying that thing I did was codependent, and that other thing I did wasn't. None of that really matters. What matters is the results of past actions. Did the action lead to the desired result? Nope. What can I do differently now or in the future to get a better result? If you learn something, then you can't call it wrong.

On the other hand, doing same thing again and again, and expecting different results is the definition of insanity.

Trying to make the best of an alcoholic marriage is a little like sticking your fingers in the leaks of a crumbling dam. Pretty soon you run out of fingers and the dam crumbles anyway. If the consensus on this thread is hiring a lawyer is not codependent because it was for the good of the family, does that mean you will do it again next time?

You drive him to work so he doesn't lose his job, but I will give you odds that if he continues down the path of alcoholism, he will lose it eventually anyway. You pay a lawyer to get him out of trouble, but he continues to get into more trouble. You hold on to hope that he will see the light, yet things just continue to get darker.

Don't worry so much about past actions. They are done. Concentrate on now.

L
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Old 06-14-2009, 08:09 PM
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Ago said what I was thinking

I am wondering if you are dependent on his salary? If so and you do earn some money, start stashing some aside for a rainy day. Money that he doesn't know about and doesn't have axcess to. So if you do need to leave you can.

My Ah is the "bread winner" in our family I am a SAHM. Someone on this board suggested to me that I do what I just suggested to you. It helped me be able and seccure enough to leave when I needed to.

I really thought the same way you did. Many of your words speak right to my heart. I thought "we are a family" familes help each other....yada yada yada... I had to re-learn many things. Many of the things I was doing thinking they were helpful were only prolonging his disease. I thought because my AH was claiming to be "in recovery" that he really was. Al- anon helped Reading "Marriage on the Rocks" helped, coming here helps. I continue to learn and grow.

(((())))
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