Gah! The damn emotions creeping in!!!
Beating this demon for GOOD
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 143
Gah! The damn emotions creeping in!!!
Hi all, on Day Four of sobriety and of course it has to rain! GAH! Rainy days are the hardest for me bar none! Surely they're not pleasant for most, alcoholic or not.
Hubby and I and our kids have been having a great weekend together, lots of fun things, a lot of laughs, the usual "don't do that", "please shut the lights off if you're not in the room", etc. I welcome this, it's NORMAL stuff in our family, and it's comforting.
But OTHO, in quieter moments, for example, while watching a movie with my hubby or some such thing (we snuggled on the couch last night and watched a horror movie while eating munchies and drinking ice water), my mind starts to travel ahead, which I know is not good. I compare the life ahead of me, the NEW life with no more drinking. I see fictional characters on the screen, and ask myself questions that I cannot possibly answer, like, "well they can drink in moderation, and I can't" stupid things like that. I know, one day and one hour at a time. Then within five minutes or less of a thought like that, it's nearly instantly replaced with another more positive (natch, REALISTIC thought), and I am filled with renewed hope, thinking to myself, "wow, I am actually sober and seeing/living life SOBER for the first time since I was about 15 years old, and it's NICE!" I honestly haven't lived my life and seen or experienced things SOBER for many, many years. Is this a normal course of events while recovering?? Does any of this make any sense to any of you?
As for the steps, I am currently working on Step One, but haven't "immersed" myself completely into it yet, basically because I am trying to make the time to do so, and that's been hard this weekend with so many distractions (all of the kids at home, etc.). I have been going to meetings since Friday, and need to find another to attend later today, as my plan is get my butt to at LEAST one a day, no matter what, as I work the steps. My appetite has also been great, it's nice to have it back, as although I have a small frame, I used to eat like a truckdriver, lol, but haven't eaten properly in a long time, I think my body is craving REAL nutrition again. And I've been sleeping really really soundly, which is also great (used to wake up after a "bout", and not be able to go back to sleep, and the sleep was never sound, always "passing out" kind of sleep).
I was talking to hubby last night and telling him that by not working the steps during all of my other times with AA, is the reason why I always went back to drinking again. Sure I went to meetings back then, but I wasn't GETTING it, I wasn't WORKING it, so therefore it wasn't WORKING, because I wasn't putting myself into working it. Make sense?
Sorry for the rant, my emotions and thoughts are just sort of all over the place right now. Normally I would "quiet" them by having a drink. I have instead picked up a great novel I started reading awhile ago (Stephen King, my absolute favorite author) and am losing myself in that instead, as I drink my first cup of coffee of the day and am actually ver much enjoying it, I don't remember coffee tasting this good! And I'm retaining everything that I am reading, how nice!!!
Hubby and I and our kids have been having a great weekend together, lots of fun things, a lot of laughs, the usual "don't do that", "please shut the lights off if you're not in the room", etc. I welcome this, it's NORMAL stuff in our family, and it's comforting.
But OTHO, in quieter moments, for example, while watching a movie with my hubby or some such thing (we snuggled on the couch last night and watched a horror movie while eating munchies and drinking ice water), my mind starts to travel ahead, which I know is not good. I compare the life ahead of me, the NEW life with no more drinking. I see fictional characters on the screen, and ask myself questions that I cannot possibly answer, like, "well they can drink in moderation, and I can't" stupid things like that. I know, one day and one hour at a time. Then within five minutes or less of a thought like that, it's nearly instantly replaced with another more positive (natch, REALISTIC thought), and I am filled with renewed hope, thinking to myself, "wow, I am actually sober and seeing/living life SOBER for the first time since I was about 15 years old, and it's NICE!" I honestly haven't lived my life and seen or experienced things SOBER for many, many years. Is this a normal course of events while recovering?? Does any of this make any sense to any of you?
As for the steps, I am currently working on Step One, but haven't "immersed" myself completely into it yet, basically because I am trying to make the time to do so, and that's been hard this weekend with so many distractions (all of the kids at home, etc.). I have been going to meetings since Friday, and need to find another to attend later today, as my plan is get my butt to at LEAST one a day, no matter what, as I work the steps. My appetite has also been great, it's nice to have it back, as although I have a small frame, I used to eat like a truckdriver, lol, but haven't eaten properly in a long time, I think my body is craving REAL nutrition again. And I've been sleeping really really soundly, which is also great (used to wake up after a "bout", and not be able to go back to sleep, and the sleep was never sound, always "passing out" kind of sleep).
I was talking to hubby last night and telling him that by not working the steps during all of my other times with AA, is the reason why I always went back to drinking again. Sure I went to meetings back then, but I wasn't GETTING it, I wasn't WORKING it, so therefore it wasn't WORKING, because I wasn't putting myself into working it. Make sense?
Sorry for the rant, my emotions and thoughts are just sort of all over the place right now. Normally I would "quiet" them by having a drink. I have instead picked up a great novel I started reading awhile ago (Stephen King, my absolute favorite author) and am losing myself in that instead, as I drink my first cup of coffee of the day and am actually ver much enjoying it, I don't remember coffee tasting this good! And I'm retaining everything that I am reading, how nice!!!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,496
Hi,
It sounds like things are going pretty well!
And, I can relate to your comments about having a good appetite. I am small too and I had lost ten pounds that I couldn't afford to lose, while drinking. The sugar in alcohol used to just turn off my appetite. It was wonderful to be hungry again and I was thrilled with how good everything tasted.
And, a good book is an amazing way to get through a difficult time. It gives you a chance to get caught up in something and take your mind off things.
It sounds like things are going pretty well!
And, I can relate to your comments about having a good appetite. I am small too and I had lost ten pounds that I couldn't afford to lose, while drinking. The sugar in alcohol used to just turn off my appetite. It was wonderful to be hungry again and I was thrilled with how good everything tasted.
And, a good book is an amazing way to get through a difficult time. It gives you a chance to get caught up in something and take your mind off things.
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 2,942
"As for the steps, I am currently working on Step One, but haven't "immersed" myself completely into it yet, basically because I am trying to make the time to do so..."
Whatever else you are finding to do in sobriety is essentially BECAUSE of step one, right?
You're amazed and appreciative of all the things you do now, right?
That's all because deep down you realize that you ARE powerless over alcohol, and your life was unmanagable. So, enjoy the managability of life... and complete the step. Acknowledge step one as the cause for your 'new' life.
Whatever else you are finding to do in sobriety is essentially BECAUSE of step one, right?
You're amazed and appreciative of all the things you do now, right?
That's all because deep down you realize that you ARE powerless over alcohol, and your life was unmanagable. So, enjoy the managability of life... and complete the step. Acknowledge step one as the cause for your 'new' life.
Soft & Silky & Manageable
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Radelaide
Posts: 148
I know all too well where you're coming from with the 'future thoughts' about sober living. It's so hard to keep our minds focused on just today isn't it. And I've had the same things happen to me on previous recovery 'attempts' - (I don't like that word) where I see people on TV doing it etc and I think to myself, "why can't I do that if they can?" but to me, this is Junkie Thinking
It's the junkie part of our mind trying to tell us it's ok to use, or drink in your case. Everybody is different, this is just how I perceive the issue and I wanted to share. Please don't bite my head off - unless that's how you show affection.
It sounds like we are both at the early stages of our recovery, and I'm so very glad to hear you have gotten back used to normal sleep as opposed to passing out. That is one thing in particular that's going to be a real challenge for me.
Everything else you're sharing is all sounding good. I'll be doing my best to follow your posts on here, keep up the good work.
It's the junkie part of our mind trying to tell us it's ok to use, or drink in your case. Everybody is different, this is just how I perceive the issue and I wanted to share. Please don't bite my head off - unless that's how you show affection.
It sounds like we are both at the early stages of our recovery, and I'm so very glad to hear you have gotten back used to normal sleep as opposed to passing out. That is one thing in particular that's going to be a real challenge for me.
Everything else you're sharing is all sounding good. I'll be doing my best to follow your posts on here, keep up the good work.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 6,608
Yup! You are absolutely, without a doubt, normal in your thinking right now. I went through it and I bet my life there are sooooo many here that have also. It is critical to stay in the day, but of course we are human and we are alcoholics. Envying others because they are not alcoholics and can drink. I still do it from time to time, but then I shake my head and remember just how bad my life was with it. I mean it was bad! I felt ashamed about myself. I actually hated myself. That was the alcohol addiction making me feel that bad. I have stopped and I feel way better about myself and life in general. I still get those "Woe is me" days, but there far less now.
I like how you posted all the things that are good right now. You are retaining more information now. You are eating better. You are sleeping better. You are having normal days. Good stuff! Thanks so much for your post.
I like how you posted all the things that are good right now. You are retaining more information now. You are eating better. You are sleeping better. You are having normal days. Good stuff! Thanks so much for your post.
Beating this demon for GOOD
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 143
Ty!!!
I truly appreciate it your responses tremendously!! After I type this response, I am off to shower, get dressed and get off to my daily meeting. Then later tonight, I plan to really read, absorb, and reflect upon Step One. Someone here was also kind enough to post some really great questions to ask oneself after reading through it, so I plan to start keeping a separate journal as I go along working the steps, as well.
Along we go, helping each other! This will be a new meeting tonight, but I am starting to really look forward to them, the new people that I meet, the speakers and hearing their stories, and just the special "comradarie" that we all share as recovering alcoholics. So hard to explain that "bond" to others who aren't like us.
Best to all of you, prayers to all of us as we move forward in sober living!!
You guys are the best!!!!
Along we go, helping each other! This will be a new meeting tonight, but I am starting to really look forward to them, the new people that I meet, the speakers and hearing their stories, and just the special "comradarie" that we all share as recovering alcoholics. So hard to explain that "bond" to others who aren't like us.
Best to all of you, prayers to all of us as we move forward in sober living!!
You guys are the best!!!!
Beating this demon for GOOD
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 143
Oh, forgot to add....
that as you can see by my avatar, I adore watching Family Guy as well. A very fun way to pass a 1/2 hour or more, and guaranteed to make you laugh out loud every single time, until you are literally crying!!! Laughter is indeed healing!!!
"Ah, my diabolical plan seems to be working. Splendid!!" Stewie Griffin
"Ah, my diabolical plan seems to be working. Splendid!!" Stewie Griffin
Beating this demon for GOOD
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 143
Sillybilly
Dang, I missed that one, although I don't know how! I swear I must have seen every episode at least a dozen times or more!! One of my faves was the one with the "wandering pack of Tom Brokovs", lol!!! I swear I peed my pants when I saw that!!!! Instant classic!!! As I recall they all had billy clubs!!! lmao!!!!
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