Not sure what to do
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 590
Not sure what to do
For those who don't know my situation. My AS and his family lived with me. His wife has now moved out. My son and his two children are still here. His wife found an apartment so the children will be moving out to live with her in two weeks. All fine so far.
My son and his wife were talking about divorce but definitely are separated now. Lately though, signs have been that they are at least somewhat friendly again. I'm not sure if this is just for the children. I still know my son has feelings for her but I'm not sure if his feelings are returned.
About a month ago (on Mother's Day whenever that was) when she moved out there was a week or so when my son was really upset and depressed. Although he denies it, I'm sure he took drugs. For those of you who answered my past posts, remember I overheard on the phone what I believed to be a drug dealer and also I found an ash can in our garbage can. I truly believe it was a one time thing and I also feel that he is not using now. I could be wrong but that's what I think.
Now my dilemma. This hasn't even happened yet but I'm worrying in advance...of course, I'm a mom.
IF his wife is thinking about getting back together with him and letting him move in with her should I tell her he used that one time? Inherently in my mind it seems wrong to interfere but, on the other hand, if it were me and she knew he was using and didn't tell me, I'd be upset with her if she hadn't told me. OR, since she already knows he is an addict do I just trust that they have to make this decision and I should stay out of it?
I don't know what to do. If it were me, I'd want someone I trusted (she does trust me) to tell her. But I'm also trying to stay out of their business. That is still a work in progress but I'm making progress. It's kind of hard when it's all happening right in your own home. He has a job now so I can't wait till he moves out too.
So what do you think?
Thanks, KariSue
My son and his wife were talking about divorce but definitely are separated now. Lately though, signs have been that they are at least somewhat friendly again. I'm not sure if this is just for the children. I still know my son has feelings for her but I'm not sure if his feelings are returned.
About a month ago (on Mother's Day whenever that was) when she moved out there was a week or so when my son was really upset and depressed. Although he denies it, I'm sure he took drugs. For those of you who answered my past posts, remember I overheard on the phone what I believed to be a drug dealer and also I found an ash can in our garbage can. I truly believe it was a one time thing and I also feel that he is not using now. I could be wrong but that's what I think.
Now my dilemma. This hasn't even happened yet but I'm worrying in advance...of course, I'm a mom.
IF his wife is thinking about getting back together with him and letting him move in with her should I tell her he used that one time? Inherently in my mind it seems wrong to interfere but, on the other hand, if it were me and she knew he was using and didn't tell me, I'd be upset with her if she hadn't told me. OR, since she already knows he is an addict do I just trust that they have to make this decision and I should stay out of it?
I don't know what to do. If it were me, I'd want someone I trusted (she does trust me) to tell her. But I'm also trying to stay out of their business. That is still a work in progress but I'm making progress. It's kind of hard when it's all happening right in your own home. He has a job now so I can't wait till he moves out too.
So what do you think?
Thanks, KariSue
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Oh, my, I'm sorry for all the comings and goings and drama....I hope the living situation is finalized soon!
Bear in mind that the following is just my opinion.....I would not tell her, because if he continues, she will find out soon enough and then it will be her decision on whether to continue the relationship or not. It is already his decision whether to use or not. If you tell her, and he doesn't use again but she tells him she "knows" he did and how she knows, then you may be on the receiving end of a lot of grief from your AS.
I know it must be hard to see all of this going on around you. Sending hugs and good wishes!! HG
Bear in mind that the following is just my opinion.....I would not tell her, because if he continues, she will find out soon enough and then it will be her decision on whether to continue the relationship or not. It is already his decision whether to use or not. If you tell her, and he doesn't use again but she tells him she "knows" he did and how she knows, then you may be on the receiving end of a lot of grief from your AS.
I know it must be hard to see all of this going on around you. Sending hugs and good wishes!! HG
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Today I try to live with the motto "Don't cause a crisis." In the past I would have jumped right in and told. But having been there so many times and finding out that things don't happen the way I think that they should, I try to stay on my side of the street today. Thinking about the possible outcomes of telling and whether you can live with what will happen is a good way to make up your mind about whether to tell or not. Will it do the good that you think it will or will it just end up with more denial on his part and blaming you. Sending prayers. Hugs, Marle
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: in the south
Posts: 219
hi,
something similar happened to me (I had knowledge of something specific) . I asked my counselor what to do. This was his advice to me. He said to withhold information was to cntinue to "do the dance" to continue to ride the merry-go round" . I won't say what I did. Only that this was a counselor's advice to me. He thought it best to come clean. Just the other side of the coin -so to speak. I wish you the best in whatever you decide.
Dixied
something similar happened to me (I had knowledge of something specific) . I asked my counselor what to do. This was his advice to me. He said to withhold information was to cntinue to "do the dance" to continue to ride the merry-go round" . I won't say what I did. Only that this was a counselor's advice to me. He thought it best to come clean. Just the other side of the coin -so to speak. I wish you the best in whatever you decide.
Dixied
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 590
I appreciate all your answers and especially all your support. You are all wonderful!
I'm not sure what I'll do but I am kind of leaning toward not telling. In the past, she has actually caught him in the act of doing drugs so she's no dummy. She'll make an informed decision. If she would ask, then I probably would say what I said above. Only if she directly asks I think.
KariSue
I'm not sure what I'll do but I am kind of leaning toward not telling. In the past, she has actually caught him in the act of doing drugs so she's no dummy. She'll make an informed decision. If she would ask, then I probably would say what I said above. Only if she directly asks I think.
KariSue
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Reality......
Posts: 735
Dont have an AS but do have experience as to "telling on an addict". This is just me.
It blew up in my face. I was hoping that by telling his family they would be quick to step in and confront him. But like I said it blew up in my face. I even had sent his sister a copy of the script he was getting. He told his sister he was selling the script NOT taking it. So I figured she would atleast be mad and put her foot down about him selling drugs.
NOPE. Didnt work out that way. Then I looked like the bad guy. I looked like the jilted lover. THat really sucked. If I had to do it all over again I would NEVER have told ONLY because it didnt work out the way I WANTED it too.
Check your motives. Usually when we really look at why we want to do something it falls under the control category and I think that karma knows this and ends up burning us in the process of trying to control another individual.
Just my two cents.....
One more thing. Usually 9 times out of 10 and addict will OUT themselves. Either through actually getting caught or through their behavior. If he is using his wife will find out on her own.
It blew up in my face. I was hoping that by telling his family they would be quick to step in and confront him. But like I said it blew up in my face. I even had sent his sister a copy of the script he was getting. He told his sister he was selling the script NOT taking it. So I figured she would atleast be mad and put her foot down about him selling drugs.
NOPE. Didnt work out that way. Then I looked like the bad guy. I looked like the jilted lover. THat really sucked. If I had to do it all over again I would NEVER have told ONLY because it didnt work out the way I WANTED it too.
Check your motives. Usually when we really look at why we want to do something it falls under the control category and I think that karma knows this and ends up burning us in the process of trying to control another individual.
Just my two cents.....
One more thing. Usually 9 times out of 10 and addict will OUT themselves. Either through actually getting caught or through their behavior. If he is using his wife will find out on her own.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 590
Well my reasoning was to save her from getting her and the kids back in it all again if it isn't over. But, then again, she knows the score so she would know the risks of taking him back.
I see your point though.
Thanks, Kari
I see your point though.
Thanks, Kari
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I took a stand that I would not seek out people to tell, but if asked I would not lie either.
It's hard to stay out of the relationship of others, especially when we love those involved. But unless it is a matter of life or death, or abuse of any kind...what doesn't have my name written all over it is not mine to own.
This is not enabling, this is minding our own business and letting others sort out theirs.
Mom to Mom Hugs
It's hard to stay out of the relationship of others, especially when we love those involved. But unless it is a matter of life or death, or abuse of any kind...what doesn't have my name written all over it is not mine to own.
This is not enabling, this is minding our own business and letting others sort out theirs.
Mom to Mom Hugs
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