naive

hello everyone-

i know most of you feel i should get a restraining order or put this man in jail. i must admit to still hesitating in that regard; i realize this is my own doing and assume responsibility for that. i'm putting my story out here because there are others like me....i don't want to be with this man any longer but i do not one to be the one to lock him behind bars. i just don't think that will help him. i suppose i am still trying to control the situation. really, i am just trying to get clear of him and i still feel that is possible...

friday night, i went out to the grocery store. i ran into xABFs older brother (65 years old) who offered me a drink in a nearby pub. i agreed and we went and had one drink. while there, another friend came in, and offered us up to his house for some music and a drink. seeing that none of the three of us had any money, we decided we would go and pass the evening at his apartment.

when we got there, there were two other couples there already. i decided not to drink and had a cup of tea, followed by a glass of water. as the evening progressed, the music was on, some had a wee dance, another broke out a guitar and sang an irish ballad he had composed...it was lovely...the others were drinking but no one was drunk and the mood was good.

aroung 12pm, xABF comes in and shouts my name. i can feel my heart go into my stomach. he comes in, grabs me, says i'm not staying and physically throws me out of the room, onto the floor in the foyer. i stand up, say i'm not leaving and he proceeds to throw me out of the house, into the cement wall in the stairwell. i grabbed onto the railing, otherwise i would have fallen down the concrete stairs. he pushes me somemore. i struggle. he throws me around like a ragdoll.

in my head, i realize that either i leave with him or the men in the other room are going to come to my defense, and there will be bloodshed. these are all fishermen and a brawl is commonplace. i prayed to god and felt the best thing would be to follow the path of peace, which to me meant leaving this situation. i walked down the stairs and then walked a mile home.

i was in quite a bit of pain but just went to sleep, kindof in shock really. in the morning, i cannot raise my left arm at all. i went to the hospital for an x-ray and its not broken, perhaps dislocated but the doctor said probably a bad sprain that will takes weeks to heal.

so, it's three days later and i still cannot lift my arm at all. i cannot do simple things like put my hair up in a rubberband or hang out my washing or put on a coat without flinching.

xABF still will not leave me alone. he says he loves me, he's sorry, he realizes that it was wrong, blah blah blah, quack quack quack. he says he did it because he felt i was drunk and going to have sex. this is so not my style and i have never engaged in casual sex in my life. plus, i don't even get drunk. plus, i wasn't even drinking. etc. etc.

he says that he will quit drinking and go to counseling. i said, great, i hope you do. he said he can only go if i go with him. i explained to him that he must go for himself, not to please me, otherwise he will probably fail.

at this stage, i just want to get on with my life and for him to leave me alone. i know you will say to get the police involved but i don't want to put him in jail. i know you will say the next time, he will really hurt you and you might not be able to walk or be blind or something.

what my plan is now is to not do anything that would incite him, like going into someone's house for a party. my plan is to just keep myself to myself for a few months, until he gets himself a woman and gets his focus off of me.

i actually am reluctant to put this story here...but i'm not the first battered woman to not report everything to the police, it's commonplace and i do understand now why.

i have a meeting with the women's aid people on wednesday...

naive

tallulah

Are you done yet?

naive

i was done when i moved out, 6 weeks ago. he is just not accepting that fact. i don't even feel the same way in my heart anymore. i just feel sad for him. he is the child of an alcoholic, the youngest in a family of 12 children. his previous relationships were with woman like him (i.e. liars, cheaters and drinkers). he assumes i will do something to hurt him, like they all did and is trying to prevent that. i feel no need for revenge but he is so used to it. it's all he knows.

catlovermi

We are the result of our choices to a large extent.

We craft our own prisons, by our choices, or restriction thereof.

Like Dorothy and the ruby slippers in Oz, the way out is there all along. But the slippers only fit her, and she must choose to knock her heels together, and do what it takes to get out...

CLMI

naive

catlovermi-

understood. i just way there was a way out without imprisoning him.

why is the right choices always the hard choice?

tallulah

The choice to arrest him, charge him, imprison him is not yours... remember. YOU don't have that power.

All you have control of is your action. The options are there... you either..

• say nothing to the authorities and let things take their course
• tell the authorities and let things take their course
• and/or move away and let things take their course

It is pretty much as stark as that.

MissFixit

Please love yourself enough to stop this man from hurting you. We care about you and your well being. He does not. Hitting is not love in any sense.

If a stranger were to treat you this way, how would you react? Stalking, hitting, abuse. What would you do if your best friend, mother or sister told you this story?

Hugs,

Miss

naive

tallulah-

well, i'm not moving. the authorities, i leave as an open option. i think if i stick to my guns, he will move on eventually. i feel there will be much more drama before that time. last time i left him (about two years ago) he drank until he bled from the nose for days and ended up in the hospital. i wouldn't be surprised if something like that happens...he'll turn it in on himself and hurt himself in an effort to get my attention.

catlovermi

Why is it that you so fear him having real consequences for his real behavior?

Part of personal growth is taking responsibility for oneself.

He is not a child anymore, but will remain one maturationally if he never receives reality-based consequences to his behavior. Many, many men came from less than ideal backgrounds, but they don't batter and threaten women.

Why are you so invested in feeling sorry for him?

It's a hard choice for you because you are making it a hard choice, choosing to feel sorry for him.

CLMI

naive

the real consequence of his actions is that he lost a good woman who loved him.

i have no problem with him having consequences to his actions.

i have a problem with jailing him. i cannot see how 6 months in jail will help him. he will have to defend himself there and will probably come out harder than he is now. as someone who loves him, i feel that would not be a good course for his life to take.

i wouldn't say i feel sorry for him. i would say i feel sad that he doesn't take help to heal himself and continues to suffer so.

naive

plus, there are his children in ireland. if he goes to jail, it will jeopardize his contact with them. what about them?

catlovermi

Someday, perhaps you will see the supreme irony of your own words. You aren't steward of his life; you are steward of yours.

CLMI

Seren

My dear naive! I'm so sorry you were hurt again. I hope and pray for speedy healing.

It does seem as though you DO have a problem with him facing the consequences of his actions. If any member of a society attacks another member, the consequence is a correctional facility (jail). His actions and the results should all be on him....you should not have to martyr YOURSELF for HIS benefit----but you are. Why do you feel responsible? You can still care about him as a person and detach yourself from his actions and the subsequent results.

Are they YOUR children? No, they are HIS children and HE is responsible for his behavior and his children's well-being.....you have no control over that. His kids, his actions, his problem.....not yours.

I don't blame you for wanting to stay where you are because it sounds like such a charming place. If it were me, I would have left him to the fishermen that night......why would you allow yourself to be hurt so that he would not be hurt by his own actions?

Praying for your injuries to heal and for your life to become much more peaceful!!!!! I'm rooting for you! You deserve a better life!!!!

Huge hugs and prayers, HG

cassandra2

I am sorry to hear about your situation. I just wanted to quickly add this.


When I put my ex in jail for battery, I wasnt putting him there to HELP HIM. I was putting him there so that I could HELP MYSELF. It bought me enough time to get my life back together. I bought me time to take care of myself and my kids without having to worry about him coming back and doing more damage.

Bottom line DV is against the law. I used that law for exactly what it was intended for and I will tell you my life is a thousand times better for doing that.

tallulah

naive..

I want you to remember that none of what is said is intended to hurt you.. it is intended to put another opinion or advice on the table which you can choose to take or leave. And I want you to remember that what I am about to say now again is not intended to hurt you.. it is cards on the table, cut the crap, honesty.. it is because I care about you.

I have resisted saying this because most of all I don't want you to run away from SR and a resource which is invaluable and helpful beyond measure.. but I know that you are not being honest. Not with yourself and not with us. And until you are honest we are all going to carry on going around and around and getting nowhere. Nothing changes because nothing changes. And I know you're not because I've been there...

I went back to a previous thread you made. You had posted a response to me where you said he hadn't been physically violent with you. I remember being puzzled by that but recognising why. I was going to respond to that at the time but decided against it... I really wasn't sure how to say what I suppose I am saying now... and maybe in your own time you'd start a thread that shone a light on the reality. That post has been edited and that comment gone.

I don't know what is happening with you.. no-one does.. only you do.. but I do know what it is like to be a victim of DV, I do know what happens when a partner is arrested and charged and I do know that this... recovery, moving forward etc etc starts with you.

I want to help you.. I want things to be better for you.. I want to be a support for you.. we all do.. and we will all be here saying the same things and offering the same advice.. but nothing is going to be different unless YOU want things to change.. and that will start when you decide you need to help yourself.

I risk you running away.. but it is no longer a risk because I see you running away now.. so if this risk means there is a chance that you will hear at least some of this then it is worth it.

FreeBird09

naive.. no one can help YOU until you are ready to be helped. Same as anything. I am an old shoe at dealing with and being in a DV environment. I understand you 100%. I know where your mind is at regarding this. There is a 'code of loyalty' that comes from being involved in a DV relationship and if you break it you feel as if you are the worthless one, and that is EXACTLY how the abuser wants 'us' to feel. I wish I could say something magical to make you see that you are so much more worth what is going on and by you protecting him is not protecting you.

My X-husband broke my jaw (and that was the least of what happened) and I still did nothing. I had to protect him, what about the kids, what about.. on and on.. and what it came down to was I was AFRAID to take a stand in my own life, afraid to change, afraid of what is out here in this world. I was comfortably miserable, and stagnate. Fear gripped me, (as you know) fear of living, fear of maybe it WAS my fault.

One day, 23 years later I packed my photos in my car and left the area. I struggled with the 'loyalty' issue. I felt so disloyal that it was suffocating. I ended up with the AXBF and the journey continued. Today, nearly a year later I am FREE to be the woman that I am, who I always wanted to be. It has taken a lot, but YOU can do it. If I can do it, YOU can!.

When you lay your head down at night (pray!!) you have to live with yourself. You can't protect him from himself, but you can protect YOU from him.

A LOT of help is out there. Please do keep coming back here. It has saved my life at times.

naive

it must be a misnunderstanding, tallulah. of course he's been violent! perhaps i said that he hadn't hurt me yet? i've been thrown about before but this hurt arm is my first actual injury.

i do want a change, tallulah! i researched. i went to america. i moved out of my home. i changed my phone number. i went to the doctor's to request a therapist. i'm here everyday. there is no contact from my end.

i'm just not willing (at this time) to put him in jail. if things continue to escalate, i will be left with no choice but to do so. i'm hoping that things will calm down. it's a risk, i understand that.

GiveLove

If you had not grabbed that rail last night, you would be dead this morning with a fractured skull, or perhaps a quadriplegic in a wheelchair for the rest of your life, being left in the hallway of a government institution somewhere while an orderly goes to make tea.

And you're still worried about helping him, or not helping him, or his kids?

There is nothing that the people on this board can say that will help you to value your own life more than you do his life. You would have to find a way to do that -- and although it is your choice, I personally hope you do before your voice one day goes silent on SR, and we will know what happened.

You are a dear, lovely soul and I wish the best for you ((( naive )))

naive

freebird-

thanks for writing. i'm sorry you went thru all that and glad you are free of him.

i don't feel scared. i know i am precious. i know i am beautiful inside and out. none of this makes me feel worthless. i'm not scared to be alone. i came to this country alone. i would be thrilled if he just ignored me for the rest of my life.

as for the loyalty, well, there is some of that at play, i suppose. you don't go from caring for someone for four years to wanting them in jail. there is part of me that wants to still "keep him safe".

Freedom1990

I have no doubt that God wept many times while I was on the receiving end of EXAH's violent outbursts.

I had become numb to what my life was, and I clearly remember the time he was thrown in jail because the police had been called due to the screaming, and they saw him strike me as they walked up to the door. I bailed him out the next morning.

My danger radar was completely broken, God continued to weep, and I did nothing to protect myself out of some sick sense of loyalty in the midst of my own broken-ness.

It already has escalated for you, but I understand your numbness, and as GL said, nothing is going to sway you.

I sincerely pray God isn't weeping soon because you are in ICU or at the morgue.

:ghug :ghug :ghug