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A lot has happened..Things are better...but in some ways, worse



A lot has happened..Things are better...but in some ways, worse

Old 06-13-2009, 09:12 PM
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A lot has happened..Things are better...but in some ways, worse

My divorce from STBXAH is progressing--he's already been given his "chunk of the money", which is actually under his sister's control to keep him from drinking it up and to protect it from his creditors, which are numerous. In the last month, he has #1. found out that I'm dating someone else (he actually heard it from our daughter, which I assumed might happen at some point--I didn't want to put her in a position of lying for me, of course, and so the info slipped out in a very innocent way on her part), then he #2. went on a drinking binge so wild, hairy, and out-of-control that he ended up getting put into a hospital on a suicide watch by his sister, and then, because she called the cops first and not the hospital directly, our condo that he had been living in was CONDEMNED because it was so filthy from his neglect. So then, he got out of the hospital/psych ward and...seems to have been making a true go at this "standing on your own two feet" and "seeking recovery" thing. He moved in with his sister at first, but soon after moved into an extended-stay, as she really doesn't have the room. He looked for a place, and just today was accepted at a place, that's out by his family, yet nicer than the extended stay, so that our daughter could visit and have it not be in a crappy motel room. He got a job already, out there (I live in a major city, his family lives about 50 miles outside of it) so he doesn't have to blow a lot of money on gas. His family is supportive of his recovery efforts, and actually, supportive of me, and wants to help facilitate him in seeing our daughter and has agreed to watch him when he's at work on the weekends so he can still spend time with her every other weekend. His sister is also someone I trust to tell me if he were to fall off the wagon so I would know to not send her out there. He's also been in daily AA attendance, and church attendance on Sundays with his sister and her family, and says that he really feels comfortable with the AA groups out there in a way he didn't at the AA meetings near the condo we shared, that the people are friendlier and more open and he can relate to them better.

So all of this sounds awesome, right? It's everything I wanted. But...
He won't let go of me. He calls me constantly. He writes emails constantly. I haven't gone "no contact" yet...frankly, I'm scared to, because I'm still feeling guilty and still struggling with feeling like my actions have some sway over his actions...feeling like if I never contact him or return any of his calls, he'll use that as his excuse to drink, though he tells me that as much as the situation hurts him the one thing he won't do is not drink. But our conversations are always about him trying to win me back, or trying to get me to promise him to give the man I'm seeing up. I won't do it, and I won't give him that, so then he says things like "If I ever hear you're going to marry him, I'll check myself into the loony bin" and of course, I hear all the time about how he understands me divorcing him, but he doesn't understand me jumping into another man's arms. Look, I know it can't feel good for him to know I'm dating someone else. But I really am not willing to give this man up--I don't feel like just because he finally did what I'd been waiting for him to do that that means he automatically gets me back, or at least the possibility of me back. But on the other hand, it hurts when I know he's hurting, and it hurts feeling like I'm making his road to recovery more rocky.

What should I do? Am I being selfish? My therapist says that I have to understand and fully accept that I actually AM free right now, and free to chose who I want to be with, and why. So why do I still feel like I owe STBXAH something, and why is it so hard for me knowing he feels bad? I don't want to sacrifice my own happiness for his, but sometimes I do have those nagging doubts like maybe I do owe him to wait for him, to see if he can continue on this path, although I truly don't want to. What I would want more than anything is for some other woman to fall in his lap, so he wouldn't feel so tied to me still, but that's not going to really happen, and it wouldn't actually be fair to this fictional other woman. But that would make me feel truly free, in a way I still don't feel now. I still feel responsible for him, is the problem. How do I break free of this?
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Old 06-13-2009, 09:27 PM
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Oh (((((Mambo))))) he may be going to AA, he may be going to Church with his family, but........................................ what you are hearing is STILL MANIPULATION. OH and QUACKING.

You have no reason to feel guilty (even though I know, I've been there too), you just have to get it to your heart that these are the CONSEQUENCES of HIS ACTIONS and if he stays in recovery, HONESTLY working on himself, he will come to realize it.

As to going no contact, if that will give you a little peace and serenity, then so be it for now.

His ACTIONS, will show you when he is finally 'grasping' what recovery is about, and that includes NOT MANIPULATING to get what he wants.

Please continue with your therapist, and please go slow with your new gentleman friend as you are still on the rebound.

Love and hugs,
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Old 06-13-2009, 10:19 PM
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Originally Posted by laurie6781 View Post

His ACTIONS, will show you when he is finally 'grasping' what recovery is about, and that includes NOT MANIPULATING to get what he wants.
Thanks for the reminder.....I needed to hear that too.

Mambo....I can so relate. My STBXAH has been spewing anger and hatred all weekend (court is 5 days away). I may have to go NC for a while as well. I'd like to think we could both be adult and do what we need to in the best interest of the kids......not an option when you're only dealing with one adult brain.

I have come WAYYY too far to let him interrupt my serenity. So have you.
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Old 06-14-2009, 06:38 AM
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It's just a bunch of quacking IMO, do you think you have the power to "make" him drink or go crazy? Really? Going NC is not going to kill him, trust me. You are not responsible for him or his sobriety.

My exah moved out 18 months ago and our divorce has been final 10 months now and he STILL does not "get it". It has taken this long just to get to the point where he does not constantly call and pester me (I can't go totally NC because we have a 15 year old son). I refuse to communicate with him except regarding our son because even minor small talk gives him the idea that he still has a chance. I keep my dating social life under wraps because exah STILL interrogates our son about my every move so I do not want to put him in that position.

I too wish he would find someone else but he still idealizes our marriage (and why not? he lived like a king and I was his indentured servant basically).
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