hotamale

so, the boy. we dated 4 months and i found out he was an alcoholic. when i say found out, i mean that, found out. never drank more than 2 beers. then, i realized he never wanted to do anything other than be with me, be at my apt, etc. needless to say, because he refused to give me any personal space at all, we broke up. his response to that amongst other things, was to go to a hotel room and drink a bottle of vodka every day for three days.

i checked him into a hospital and left him with his family. ok, advice part.

he has been sober a month. we met once and he apologized for the turn of events, etc. apologized for his behavior in the relationship. and, now, wants to continue our relationship. continues to tell me that this is "his" battle and not mine to be worried about, not mine to tiptoe around. i really care for him, fell in love with him even.

but, is it appropriate for a newly sober alcoholic to be in a relationship of any sort? (btw, he claims he drinks for an anxiety problem, and does not relate to the other alcoholics at the sober house he is living in.) do i let him go? do i try to be his friend (which would be v. v. v. difficult for both parties)?

thanks....

kv816

My ABF was same the way......always wanted to be at home (we lived together for the longest time), always wanted me right at his side, except when I had to go to the store (but then he'd call me every half hour just to "check in"). It got to where I felt like his little puppet--always doing and always saying only what he wanted to do and hear.

I can't answer any of your questions. I can tell you that he is wrong--that it is not just his battle, it is your battle too. What tomorrow holds no one knows. What's appropriate for him in his recovery, I'm sorry, but no one knows (not even him at this point IMHO).

The important thing is that YOU are okay. Do what keeps you okay. If that means going your separate ways, then so be it. If it means staying by his side, stay his friend. If it means hanging on to a love you felt, then be with him. Do what's appropriate for YOU.

tallulah

I dated my ex for 3 months and something happened which made me call time on it. I was living some distance away and not with him at that point. He went on a week long bender. I won't go into detail but during that time he behaved like an ass.

I took him back. He explained why he did what he did during that week, apologised of sorts for the events of that week and his behaviour in general. I believed him. I loved him.

That was my first big mistake.

That is when I had the opportunity to get out, stay out and off the rollercoaster I had started to ride. I was on that rollercoaster for another 2+ years.

Whatever you do.. do it with your eyes wide open.. if you stay on the ride then buckle up.

catlovermi

Totally aside from alcohol, that whole invasion-of-personal-space-and-attempt-to-enmesh would be a deal breaker for me in a relationship.

Flashing lights and ringing bells and waving red flags would be going off that the party is not relationship material.

CLMI

MissFixit

You have invested 4 months in someone who admits he is an active A, early in recovery. You state friendship is too hard at this point.

Please read the stickies at the top of this forum and learn all you can about alcoholism, codependency and abuse. After reading about the likely outcomes from being with this man, please then consider if you want that risk.

Hugs,

Miss

FreeBird09

he claims he drinks for an anxiety problem

RUN!!..

My AXBF said, and did the same thing. Was sober for 3 months after I called him out on it (in the beginning). It ended up being 3 years of pure hell. (mixed in with the good times to keep me hooked) He would go on these benders where he would take off, blame me for everything and go to a hotel room and drink a bottle of Vodka every night, sometimes for weeks on end. Now he is still insisting that his drinking problem and his anxiety are caused by ME! (the problem was there before I got in the picture)

I wish you well with this situation. Keep reading, and posting. You will need SR as your life turns upside down, and does flips over and over again. Until you want to see that you are on a dead end road.

Still Waters

He is not in any sort of recovery, this claim actually has a label in AA, it's called "personal exceptionalism" (I think). They ALL think they're unique.

Only you can decided, but if it were me, I'd move on.

Ago

This is correct. we call it "terminally unique"

it means he will drink again

He has a lot of "work" to do before he is "safe to date"

years

judging by his terminal uniqueness he hasn't begun

Now I am not going to tell you not to date him, because I have always had to make my own mistakes as well, it's a God Given Right IMO, what I am going to say is it's going to be a long drawn out train wreck with high "highs" interspersed with high drama, break ups and relapses.

This is "not speculation" this is "reading road signs" that are clearly obvious

TakingCharge999

RUN dear

If he is honest about his recovery, tell him you have read in AA its recommended not to have any romantic relations in a year. Wish him well on what will be a very bumpy road and consider contacting him after a year or two... and see with HIS ACTIONS that he is indeed worthy of your time as a friend

With AHs words simply do not count (and with many other people that are not AHs).

Its actions that count, so far it was 2 beers, fast forward 4 months and THEN A BOTTLE OF VODKA EVERY 3 DAYS?

I would bet he already had alcohol issues before, but "cut back" while courting you so you would be sucked in....

hotamale

thanks so much for the posts. i needed (need?) it. the support is wonderful.

hotamale

this is my first time on this website, so i may be redundant. thank you so much for posts and words. i appreciate it. the fact that i cannot decide what to do after a month says it...now i just have to be a big girl and act on it.