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Day One

Old 06-13-2009, 01:45 AM
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Day One

Not looking forward to tonight. I'm at work on lunch break right now. I finish in 4 hours. I'm not expecting to sleep at all so if I get any shut-eye at all, even 1 hour, I'll be happy as larry. I would love at least three hours, I don't start work tomorrow till after lunch so I should be ok. I'm here till 10 tonight.

And I can hardly wait for the 'junkie mind' to start pressuring me to use. It likes to bring up traumatic events from my past and ex-partners to try and break me so I'll give in and use. I already know what to expect, which gives me an advantage, I'm no stranger to detox. Bring it on.
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Old 06-13-2009, 03:56 AM
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Maybe you'll never have to go through this hell again. I remember those early days so well. I don't know why we put ourselves in that position over & over again - until we finally get it right. Hoping you'll make it and can start leading a new life.
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Old 06-13-2009, 04:00 AM
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Maybe you'll never have to go through this hell again. I remember those early days so well. I don't know why we put ourselves in that position over & over again - until we finally get it right. Hoping you'll make it and can begin leading a brand new life.
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Old 06-13-2009, 04:13 AM
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Sorry! I had trouble posting this & now it's here twice.
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Old 06-13-2009, 04:31 AM
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May the force be with you, make sure you have a plan a) b) and c). I am having a tough night as well saturday nights are really diabolicle. But I am hanging on, it does get easier and there are lots of examples of people on this site who have achieved sobriety against incredible odds, jump online for and AA meeting or SR if things get tough
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Old 06-13-2009, 04:36 AM
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Yes just try to not drink/use one day at a time. You will never have to experience these feelings again. Keep posting and Good luck. Let us know how you're doing.
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Old 06-13-2009, 06:25 AM
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That's exactly right. I only have to make it through today. I thank you thrice Hevyn, I can't reply to PM's until I have posted 5 times :p but thank you also Martha and Believe.

I will probably be on here later if I have s**t on my mind and I can't sleep (usually happens). Right, now I'm going to have dinner, maybe play some video games and then read a book until I feel tired enough to try for sleep.

Peace
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Old 06-13-2009, 06:39 AM
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SillyBilly -

How's the weather Down Under?

Quick, hit reply then you'll have you're 5 posts to PM!
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Old 06-13-2009, 07:07 AM
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yo billy so glad you are continuing to post and gonna start the detox process tonight. Post as often as youd like while being sick, and check out the chat room on SR as well. There is 24/7 support in there.

Only a short 5-6 days and you can be free from the ball and chain slave lifestyle. btw , nice avatar
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Old 06-13-2009, 07:14 AM
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What is it your coming off? I broke free of a nasty meth habit about 14 years ago and just ditched my booze this past December after 28 years of drinking and drugging. I have to tell you it is so nice not having anything control me. No voices in my head telling me what would take the pain away. Now when something floors me (this week was a doozy, death in the family and my nest being emptied) I can get through it on my own two feet.

When I used I always thought grief/sadness/anger would be to much to live through sober, but I actually find it so much easier to cope on my own.

Just don't pick up tonight. Throw out all the paraphernalia, poor out the booze, flush junk and pills, and take it a day at a time.
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Old 06-13-2009, 08:25 AM
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Sillybilly

know what I am realizing this time around that I never noticed before?? It's my MIND that needs the most work. Choosing not to drink is just the beginning. It's my way of thinking that also needs to change. I justified my drinking in anyway that I could, for so many long years, in any and all ways that I possibly could, it's become like a needle on a record. But half the battle now is being able to recognize that and change that "voice" in my mind to quiet it and make a wiser decision. It sounds like you are well on your way to that recognition yourself. Keep it up!!!
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Old 06-13-2009, 08:51 AM
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Was nice earlier today 9iron. Raining outside now, poo to the weather. This already sucks lol. Just the fact that I usually have something to look forward to every night before bed to 'help' me sleep (fake 'drug assisted' sleep) I know it's gonna take me ages to get used to sleeping normal hours and on my own.

ex D-boy I know man detox is the easiest part IMO. Especially in those detox centres but they pump you full of valium in those places, which doesn't really help the core root of the problem now does it. I don't want any medication to help this time, although I have been contemplating going out and buying a pack of cigarettes if tonight gets tough, but then I normally don't smoke, I've reduced my smoking habit to social, which was a weekly thing.

uglyeyes I'm coming off it all. I kicked my nasty meth habit a while ago. I used to smoke it every day until I realised what I'd become, a crack-head. That was almost two years ago now. I've used a few times since then (not in the last 6-8 months for sure) but they those times were only lapses in my long-term recovery. I've used most things, a lot of designer drugs, never smack or cocaine, for some reason I stayed away. It was like I put those 2 particular drugs in a higher-level category and always made sure I stayed below the bar, never ever went near needles. But there are a lot of junkies in my family so I was put off of needles right from childhood.

Recently it's mainly been the booze. I've been drinking and smoking pot for over ten years, both became a daily habit, ritual if you will, very suddenly for me in my early teens. I got into hard drugs around my eighteenth birthday. When I found myself preferring smack out drugs, like opiates and tranquillizers over the party drugs like ecstasy, I decided I had stayed way too long in 'the scene' and I had to get out. It was not my first attempt at leaving.

I've left those people behind, that was VERY hard to do. I still have some contact with some of them, and it's STILL hard to break that contact. Family ties and what have you. One of the hardest things was my ex of course. Very miserable relationship lasting a year and a half or so. All we did was use together. Very little love or feeling, just companionship and company. Breaking up with her was easy, but the aftermath was horrible. She's still in the scene and as far as I know, she's doing worse and she's back into dealing drugs and self-destructing. Sad because I did like her. And I even got her to stop selling drugs for the bikies and get a job waiting tables in our local area, I was a good thing for her, she was for me too at times, but it was just easier for me to say goodbye and up the f**k outta there.

Plus I was scared at the time. Not scared, terrified. I'd lost my mind around that point. I had no job, barely a social life, I was living with a drug dealing junkie who just got me into worse habits. My life consisted of watching TV sitcoms I knew and felt comfortable with over and over, occasionally watching a movie with my 'girlfriend', drinking, smoking pot and using opiates. I was so paranoid and scared when I left the last time, it makes me shudder every time I remember my old 'life' and my mind is helping me by blocking a lot of it out. That could be a combination of how hard I used to party AND the negative memories, but either way, I'm glad my brain is helping me in that department.


I'm not even hungry. Well, I am, I'd normally have a beer or three into me by now and a pipe in my hand, frying something up. I might just go make a snack. I've been playing computer games for the last two hours. Now I'm bored so I might get back to this book I've been reading. Dammit I want some 'excitement' tonight, but no, say no man, behave, it's only for tonight.

(s**t I can dribble on, thanks for taking the time to read if you did)
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Old 06-13-2009, 10:54 AM
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thanks for sharing your story, everyone i think benefits from hearing others words on the struggle. but most important is how it is helping you. unloading all these burdons on our minds is clearing out the old and allowing new thoughts and desires to grow and help us move foward to a life we really want to be living. just worry about today. don't focus on what happened yesterday, it will not accomplish anything for you right now. you can have plenty of time for that another day once you are more stable. stay strong and please keep reading and posting. it really will help you!!
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Old 06-13-2009, 11:25 AM
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My life consisted of watching TV sitcoms I knew and felt comfortable with over and over, occasionally watching a movie with my 'girlfriend', drinking, smoking pot and using opiates.
I can totally relate to the escape into TV/films thing, sillybilly. That was my thang. I started to wonder after a while just how many times can the average person watch "Lord of the Rings". 20, 30 times? eeeeeeehhhh....
hee. part of sobriety is me actually watching new films...
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Old 06-13-2009, 05:04 PM
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silly billy thank you so much for sharing your story. It takes a person of substance and honesty to stand apart from the crowd, to stand back and judge himself as others would with no excuses. I think the one thing that really hits me about your story is how ready and willing you are to take responsiblity for yourself and your situation, no blubbing, no excuses, no whining - thats pretty cool, you should be proud of yourself for that alone. At the end of the day its who you are that matters and once you get out from behind the tv and have time to smell the grass and feel the sun on your back on a winters day, without being out of it, or scurrying to your next hit even the most simple of lifes pleasures will be joyful!

I gave up pot and booze a month ago, my usual pattern was put my little girl to bed smoke 4-5 joints per night topped up with one/two bottles of wine and a couple of medicinal bed time scotchs. Wake up in the morning after stoner sleep, have a shot of vodka and go for a run.....got to work and then start again. The night sweats did not stop for 10 days and I did not sleep for nearly 10 days - 2 weeks, but once the pot was out of my system, it was gone and I don't miss it... I mean think about it what is there to miss? But the booze has been more difficult and AA has been a huge help. For the first time the clouds are lifting the self confidence is returning and heck I might even grab a social life....but I'm not rushing things. IT IS WORTH IT HANG IN THERE!! P.s. I have stopped feeling like a dementia patient and can actually remember things!!!
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Old 06-13-2009, 08:13 PM
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Welcome to SR
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Old 06-13-2009, 09:03 PM
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Quick comment- (late for work, I'll reply to other posts later, sorry not being rude on purpose)

I made it through the night fine. I ended up having a great sleep and great dreams all night long, what a f**king success! I'm sorry for the language, I'm so used to expressing my feelings with vulgar language he he.

I ended up sleeping in today, now I'm late for work (d'oh) so I'll need to call them and tell them I thought I started at 3.00pm when I actually started at 1.00pm, we use 24 hour time at work so I can get away with saying I casually glanced at my diary and read '13.00' at '3.00'. I can't tell them the real reason; I was having such pleasant dreams I just didn't want to leave! WAY better than my reality currently is, or has been in the past. But I know nothing worth doing in life comes easy, you have to work for what you want etc. S**t if everything we wanted fell right onto our laps, we wouldn't appreciate it anywhere near as much would we.

Ok work just called me and I have to leave asap! Just wanted to add that I WILL jump on later when I can and reply to your posts, please I just had to vent before leaving. This bozo-junkie-******** who I used to know posted a comment on facebook which I happened to notice, so seeing his name and face (I've blocked him now) triggered an event in my mind which tbh has been the worst thing emotionally to happen to me to date. And I was in the worst place when it happened (about a year ago, addicted to meth and surrounded by junkies) anyway I'm really angry now, I know that will come and go, it's one of the many emotions I've been trying to mask with junk since it happened. I'd love to share the story and my feelings with you all, when the time is right. I know you can help me work through it and win this time.

SR forever brothers and sisters
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Old 06-13-2009, 09:58 PM
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Believe it or not, sleep may not be all that elusive. There are lots of folks who believed booze helped them sleep on here, lots of us found out differently. I suggest a bit of cardio and then swap your pleasure book out for a self-help research book before bed. I am reading codependency and beyond, some beginners guide to tantra, and a breaking addiction book and they knock me out right quick!
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Old 06-13-2009, 10:56 PM
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I'm having so much fun at work today. I work directory-assistance in a call centre, we look up phone numbers in the white pages for people. That's what I do anyway, I'm still new here, they've yet to train me in other areas. I'm pretending I'm a radio DJ and putting on a real bouncy-friendly-outgoing voice and customers are responding really well. He he, it's just so hard to get angry at someone who is so happy.

Thanks Jade, I always have problems focusing on the 'right now'. The first couple of days are always easy, after that it get's harder. The 3-week itch is the worst hurdle from experience, same as giving up cigarettes, but once you make it past that third week it gets so much easier. Thanks for stopping by and your support, I'm already in love with this message-board and all it's fellow members.

Littlefish, wow you can totally relate! I can't believe how much in common we all have on here. It's not that surprising really, we all want the same thing right. I still have trouble watching new movies and TV shows sometimes aswell, I get scared that something I see will trigger something negative in my mind and put pressure on me to use. At least with what we've watched repeatedly we know it all and are comfortable, we know what to expect. He he 'comfort zone'. Thanks for stopping by!

Cheers noguard! Thanks for stopping by mate!

I feel you Martha. And big *hugs* and thank you for stopping by. I really appreciate the kind words, you acutally brought a tear to my eye. Nice to know we are in similar time zones so we can help each other out when things are tough. Like Saturday night that just passed haha. The massively-warm welcome I've received by joining this community has been like no other. I can see myself staying for a very long time.

Thank you all again, your comments, thoughts, opinions, welcomes and even if you took the time to read what I've written, all have blown me away, actually speechless now. I better get back to work.

:ghug2 to everyone
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Old 06-13-2009, 10:58 PM
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Uglyeyes not a bad idea. I've plenty of self-help books I've collected over the years of recovery. I image reading them before bed would help tire your brain so you can drift off easily. It's going to take me a long time to get used to falling asleep and not passing out. I feel so uncomfortable trying to close my eyes and sleep with that tanked up feeling, but eventually that will change.
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