Turning it over again and again...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Turning it over again and again...
My youngest daughter turned 21 on Tuesday. She's a beautiful young lady, who is a natural with animals, especially horses. She holds down 2 jobs during the school year, makes her own car payments/insurance payments, is taking the girls from her nanny job (during the school year) to the pool when she has the time because she misses them, and vice versa.
She's a good kid, the polar opposite of my 31 year old AD. Now here comes the turning it over part.
She's been planning for weeks for the official 'party', which is tomorrow. She's getting her hair done at the beauty salon, and one of her co-workers is taking her out to a club in Wichita.
I can't prevent her from drinking, nor do I try. She's grown up around the halls of AA. She knows my home is an alcohol-free zone. She knows that she's playing with fire when she drinks as her dad and I are both recovering alcoholics. She'll go out one night and drink every couple of months or so. I can tell, even when she doesn't tell me she has, as her thinking/attitude is different for several days afterwards.
I'm not worried about her actions so much tomorrow night as she has a designated driver. It's the external circumstances that keep nagging at me. Every weekend there is a stabbing or shooting at a club or bar in Wichita. They are just flat out dangerous places to be anymore.
So I turn it over, then I take it back. I turn it over, I take it back. Usually I don't have this much difficulty in turning it over to God and leaving it there. I guess I just needed to get this out, and maybe someone will post something I need to read!
She's a good kid, the polar opposite of my 31 year old AD. Now here comes the turning it over part.
She's been planning for weeks for the official 'party', which is tomorrow. She's getting her hair done at the beauty salon, and one of her co-workers is taking her out to a club in Wichita.
I can't prevent her from drinking, nor do I try. She's grown up around the halls of AA. She knows my home is an alcohol-free zone. She knows that she's playing with fire when she drinks as her dad and I are both recovering alcoholics. She'll go out one night and drink every couple of months or so. I can tell, even when she doesn't tell me she has, as her thinking/attitude is different for several days afterwards.
I'm not worried about her actions so much tomorrow night as she has a designated driver. It's the external circumstances that keep nagging at me. Every weekend there is a stabbing or shooting at a club or bar in Wichita. They are just flat out dangerous places to be anymore.
So I turn it over, then I take it back. I turn it over, I take it back. Usually I don't have this much difficulty in turning it over to God and leaving it there. I guess I just needed to get this out, and maybe someone will post something I need to read!
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Not terribly helpful Freedom, but I'm reminded of the movie Finding Nemo, when Marlin tells Dory how he promised Nemo he'd never let anything bad happen to him, and Dory replied that that was kinda stupid, 'cause if nothing ever happened to him, nothing would ever happen to him!
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 182
My kids used to tell me that I worried like it was my job!! They were right. A very large percentage (I gave up long ago quoting the numbers but if put to the test I would say 90%) of what you worry about never happens.
My first journey into recovery was recovery from worrying. It was crippling me. It was crippling my family. About six years ago cancer, heart disease, alzheimers, death, all that scary stuff starting entering my life regarding my siblings and parents. I was sick with worry. But, I learned a huge lesson...thanks to a friend....she said "You know your worrying isn't going to slow down your mom's alzheimers or your dad's cancer don't you?" I gave it up that day.
As a mom we worry, but, is your worry going to stop her? Is it going to prevent HER from being the victim? Arm yourself with the facts...perhaps these shootings are gang related with a victim in mind. Maybe finding out that NONE of them are random acts will help you.
My first phobia was with flying....I flew all over the world and loved every flight. Then I gave birth to my firstborn and flying became a white knuckled experience. Don't know why...and do. We LOVE them and they are ours...but really they are on rent to us from God....of course, I didn't know that THEN! Here is how old I am, many of you might not even remember the airlines named PANAM...but they had a "fear of flying" seminar. I felt foolish going to it, I had logged over 250,000 miles a year, I was a medallion member, I knew the gate agents and flight attendants by first name on my regular flights.
But I was not ALONE!!! There were a few seasoned flyers that had a major life experience that changed their paradigm. What helped me get over my fear was the facts...you are 700 times more likely to die in a car accident going to the store for milk than you are to get in a plane crash, etc. etc. etc.
What are your experiences with 21 year old kids randomly getting killed? That needs to be the focus with worry.
I am there with you...but maybe the difference between your 21 and 31 year old daughters comes down to one word...TRUST. Hard thing for most of us to swallow.
I would finally like to venture down a road that I know might be met with landmines. You said you could tell for days afterwards that your daughter thinks/acts differently after going out and drinking. For me, I am very careful not to OVER react to my adult childrens use of alcohol. 21 year olds are rollercoaster off the charts goofy anyway. It may have something to do with alcohol, and it may JUST have something to do with the fact that their brains don't mature for another 4 or 5 years. I always am careful not to project my fear of alcoholism on my kids...as long as they are not driving, I sometimes let them play with fire...
Been there, done that, still do it...not a comfy place to be. (((hug))) BUT, better that than a mom who has no clue.............good job!
My first journey into recovery was recovery from worrying. It was crippling me. It was crippling my family. About six years ago cancer, heart disease, alzheimers, death, all that scary stuff starting entering my life regarding my siblings and parents. I was sick with worry. But, I learned a huge lesson...thanks to a friend....she said "You know your worrying isn't going to slow down your mom's alzheimers or your dad's cancer don't you?" I gave it up that day.
As a mom we worry, but, is your worry going to stop her? Is it going to prevent HER from being the victim? Arm yourself with the facts...perhaps these shootings are gang related with a victim in mind. Maybe finding out that NONE of them are random acts will help you.
My first phobia was with flying....I flew all over the world and loved every flight. Then I gave birth to my firstborn and flying became a white knuckled experience. Don't know why...and do. We LOVE them and they are ours...but really they are on rent to us from God....of course, I didn't know that THEN! Here is how old I am, many of you might not even remember the airlines named PANAM...but they had a "fear of flying" seminar. I felt foolish going to it, I had logged over 250,000 miles a year, I was a medallion member, I knew the gate agents and flight attendants by first name on my regular flights.
But I was not ALONE!!! There were a few seasoned flyers that had a major life experience that changed their paradigm. What helped me get over my fear was the facts...you are 700 times more likely to die in a car accident going to the store for milk than you are to get in a plane crash, etc. etc. etc.
What are your experiences with 21 year old kids randomly getting killed? That needs to be the focus with worry.
I am there with you...but maybe the difference between your 21 and 31 year old daughters comes down to one word...TRUST. Hard thing for most of us to swallow.
I would finally like to venture down a road that I know might be met with landmines. You said you could tell for days afterwards that your daughter thinks/acts differently after going out and drinking. For me, I am very careful not to OVER react to my adult childrens use of alcohol. 21 year olds are rollercoaster off the charts goofy anyway. It may have something to do with alcohol, and it may JUST have something to do with the fact that their brains don't mature for another 4 or 5 years. I always am careful not to project my fear of alcoholism on my kids...as long as they are not driving, I sometimes let them play with fire...
Been there, done that, still do it...not a comfy place to be. (((hug))) BUT, better that than a mom who has no clue.............good job!
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Does it help you to know that you are not alone this week because:
a) my responsible, independant, daughter will turn 21 Sunday; and has
plans to go clubbing in a college town with friends
b) she enjoys having a few drinks with friends already
c) her mom, and step-dad are recovering alcoholics. Her dad stopped drinking earlier this year.
She came to visit this past week. Her younger siblings are still at home with me and they enjoyed hanging out together. I worked most of her visit, but we were able to eat some meals together. I told her I love her and told her to be careful.
It does help that my daughter already lives on her own about 3 hours away. Because I don't have to witness all of her activities first hand anymore (unless I go to facebook).
I may have a harder time with "Live and Let Live" or "let go and let HP" when the youngest one leaves the nest to go partying, tho.
Do something nice for yourself this weekend and let's keep saying that serenity prayer, all together now.....
a) my responsible, independant, daughter will turn 21 Sunday; and has
plans to go clubbing in a college town with friends
b) she enjoys having a few drinks with friends already
c) her mom, and step-dad are recovering alcoholics. Her dad stopped drinking earlier this year.
She came to visit this past week. Her younger siblings are still at home with me and they enjoyed hanging out together. I worked most of her visit, but we were able to eat some meals together. I told her I love her and told her to be careful.
It does help that my daughter already lives on her own about 3 hours away. Because I don't have to witness all of her activities first hand anymore (unless I go to facebook).
I may have a harder time with "Live and Let Live" or "let go and let HP" when the youngest one leaves the nest to go partying, tho.
Do something nice for yourself this weekend and let's keep saying that serenity prayer, all together now.....
I'm growing
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
(((())))) :ghug
sometimes letting go for me happens one finger at a time.
a guy in my al-anon group says when he is having trouble letting go...He finds the heaviest book he owns and drops it.
Do you trust your HP will take care of things?
sometimes letting go for me happens one finger at a time.
a guy in my al-anon group says when he is having trouble letting go...He finds the heaviest book he owns and drops it.
Do you trust your HP will take care of things?
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
How about a little Khalil Gibran....another member posted about her daughter's move out west and her fears and loneliness at her daughter's departure. She posted this Khalil Gibran piece from his "The Prophet".
And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, Speak to us of Children.
And he said:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you.
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.
(Thanks and blessings to "Ugly Eyes" for reminding me of this with her own post.)
Hugs and prayers for your peace and for your daughter's safety!
HG
And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, Speak to us of Children.
And he said:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you.
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.
(Thanks and blessings to "Ugly Eyes" for reminding me of this with her own post.)
Hugs and prayers for your peace and for your daughter's safety!
HG
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
I am not a mom, but I admire your momma bear instincts. I did not have that growing up and your daughter is lucky to have you. Sounds like you raised her well, and she makes good choices. Now it is her time to go out into the world and experiment with what works and doesn't work for her. How lucky she is to have you to come home to and discuss what she does and sees.
Miss
Miss
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
There are dangers wherever you look. I have a 21 year old son who is out and active. I also have a 19-year old who is a gaming addict. Goes no where. He is home, sitting in a non-ergonomic chair ruining his posture and physical health through inactivity every day.
Alone, isolated, addicted....just like I was, to alcohol. It's disturbing, and a cause of huge worry. I am struggling with recovery and it is chilling to see him totally sucked into computer gaming. How it has taken over his life.
Alone, isolated, addicted....just like I was, to alcohol. It's disturbing, and a cause of huge worry. I am struggling with recovery and it is chilling to see him totally sucked into computer gaming. How it has taken over his life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Well, I totally misunderstood, and the whole gang went to the local country club because one of her co-workers has a brother in a band that played there last night.
I woke up about 3:30 this morning to go to the bathroom, and she was in the bathroom on the floor, arm across the toilet, head down, passed out. I flushed the toilet to wake her up. There were rolls of toilet paper all over the floor. Apparently she had gone to grab a new roll out of the package, they all fell out, and she was too drunk to pick them up.
I just left her there, and heard her getting sick again about 10 minutes later. Her car is out front, so it looks like she drove herself home.
It's hard to see your kid in that condition, but I wasn't about to get her up and put her to bed.
I wanted her to experience her misery by herself, and she did.
She's got court early Tuesday morning in a neighboring county for the minor in possession she got a few weeks ago.
I woke up about 3:30 this morning to go to the bathroom, and she was in the bathroom on the floor, arm across the toilet, head down, passed out. I flushed the toilet to wake her up. There were rolls of toilet paper all over the floor. Apparently she had gone to grab a new roll out of the package, they all fell out, and she was too drunk to pick them up.
I just left her there, and heard her getting sick again about 10 minutes later. Her car is out front, so it looks like she drove herself home.
It's hard to see your kid in that condition, but I wasn't about to get her up and put her to bed.
I wanted her to experience her misery by herself, and she did.
She's got court early Tuesday morning in a neighboring county for the minor in possession she got a few weeks ago.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 211
((((Freedom))))
How sad for you. How sad for you DD. My teenage son has been messing around with opiates, prescription drugs. It is terrifying when you know where this kind of thing leads. It is a helpless feeling.
All I know is that we can communicate our love and let them know what the tools are, should they choose to use them.
It is hard, it is deeply disturbing and it is horrifying.
Thinking of you.
How sad for you. How sad for you DD. My teenage son has been messing around with opiates, prescription drugs. It is terrifying when you know where this kind of thing leads. It is a helpless feeling.
All I know is that we can communicate our love and let them know what the tools are, should they choose to use them.
It is hard, it is deeply disturbing and it is horrifying.
Thinking of you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by nowwhat 
((((Freedom))))
How sad for you. How sad for you DD. My teenage son has been messing around with opiates, prescription drugs. It is terrifying when you know where this kind of thing leads. It is a helpless feeling.
All I know is that we can communicate our love and let them know what the tools are, should they choose to use them.
It is hard, it is deeply disturbing and it is horrifying.
Thinking of you.
How sad for you. How sad for you DD. My teenage son has been messing around with opiates, prescription drugs. It is terrifying when you know where this kind of thing leads. It is a helpless feeling.
All I know is that we can communicate our love and let them know what the tools are, should they choose to use them.
It is hard, it is deeply disturbing and it is horrifying.
Thinking of you.
She's got all the facts, knows she's playing with fire. She also knows where recovery is should she cross that invisible line, if she hasn't already.
God knows it was 'fun' for me at first, and even after my first husband divorced me, I still couldn't connect the dots and see it was my alcoholism at the core of the problems.
Thanks for your kind and understanding words. I'll be keeping you and your son in my prayers.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
(((((DeVon))))) Oh, I'm so sorry that she felt it was necessary to get that drunk and I'm sorry for the hurt and alarm you felt and are feeling at finding her in that condition!
Hopefully when she manages to pick herself up off the floor and fully realize what happened (mess and all), it will really hit home with her!
Hugs and prayers to you both....extra special hugs to you!!!!!
HG
Hopefully when she manages to pick herself up off the floor and fully realize what happened (mess and all), it will really hit home with her!
Hugs and prayers to you both....extra special hugs to you!!!!!
HG
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Just some added thoughts. My sponsor talks a lot about us being exactly where we are supposed to be at the moment, and that God never gives us more than we can handle.
When I look back on my life, and the difficult periods I have come through, I know that is so true.
When Amber was 15 and red flags were going up all over, every resource I turned to failed me-the police, mental health, an adolescent crisis center, SRS.
My sponsor is normally an over-the-road driver, so he's gone a lot. It just so happened he had lung surgery shortly before things came to a head with Amber and she ran away. So he was home for about 3 months, and it was such a Godsend to have him close by. I believe that was a God thing.
I know I have to walk through the discomfort and pain of this current situation to get past it. The discomfort won't kill me, even though it's rearing it's ugly head right now.
This too shall pass-it just doesn't feel like it right now. I'd much rather curl up in a ball, but that's not an option.
When I look back on my life, and the difficult periods I have come through, I know that is so true.
When Amber was 15 and red flags were going up all over, every resource I turned to failed me-the police, mental health, an adolescent crisis center, SRS.
My sponsor is normally an over-the-road driver, so he's gone a lot. It just so happened he had lung surgery shortly before things came to a head with Amber and she ran away. So he was home for about 3 months, and it was such a Godsend to have him close by. I believe that was a God thing.
I know I have to walk through the discomfort and pain of this current situation to get past it. The discomfort won't kill me, even though it's rearing it's ugly head right now.
This too shall pass-it just doesn't feel like it right now. I'd much rather curl up in a ball, but that's not an option.
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
I don't know if it's possible to focus on the "positives" in this situation, but many many young people that age do this for a short time, then move on with their lives. The genetic component isn't a definite - my AH has four siblings, so out of five three of them are alcoholic.
Meh - not very helpful there either. Sigh.
I'll keep you in my thoughts Freedom.
Meh - not very helpful there either. Sigh.
I'll keep you in my thoughts Freedom.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi Freedom!
Not sure what to tell you - just that she is in God's hands.
These events at her age do not mean she will become an alcoholic. It is very possible as she grows up, she gets over that drinking "having fun" stage, and everything turns out well.
Trust God.
Not sure what to tell you - just that she is in God's hands.
These events at her age do not mean she will become an alcoholic. It is very possible as she grows up, she gets over that drinking "having fun" stage, and everything turns out well.
Trust God.
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