bowhnter7

I am new here but not new to what’s being talked about.

I have been with my wife since the age of 18 (we are 38 now) back then we were young had twins and had to give them up for adoption. Her mother kicker her out, Dad was an alcoholic that killed himself, she had a pretty hard life. I went to college, got a great job in Colorado in 1991, we bought a house, got married and had a son in 96. Things were going great. She was never a drinker or partier even when young. About 2 years ago the nightly glass of wine turned into 2 or 3, happy person is all it really was. Then she started to take it took far a time or two, nothing too often or serious. Last year the twins we gave up about 18 years ago contacted us (open adoption) and wanted to meet us. We did and for me it was one of the greatest things, for my wife it became a curse. She started drinking heavily and all the horrible stories started with the drinking, ambulances, police, detox, and rehab. You name it, all the same stories I had read but it’s my wife not your husband. Meanwhile my 12 year old son is being involved in all of this. She got back from rehab in early April only to have 5 relapses since, 2 pretty hard ones. The last one just last Monday got physical as she hit me a few times. No big deal it didn’t hurt me but I needed to do something. So after a few phone calls to get support from family and friends I called the cops on her for DV and she was arrested and taken to the hospital because she was really gone by that point. She was then taken to jail. She is out now with nothing, no job, no money, no car and a short list of places to stay and get a meal. There is a protection order against her towards me and the home. I have threatened divorce many times, told her I can't be legally responsible for her anymore. She has driven drunk with my son and others, someday she is going to hurt herself or someone else. I have told her many times after her drinking that that was it, one more time if you don’t find a way to stick to the work and get sober then I am going to sign the papers. Well we are here, I have paid the lawyer, papers are ready to sign and be served and I am wondering if I am doing the right thing?

I have been strapped with all her medical bills resulting in drinking, plus trying to keep a 2 income lifestyle on one. Mentally and financially I am stressed.

She has had a sponsor, been to rehab, counseling, AA meetings 3 to 7 times a week. She just can’t shake the past and the decision she and I make with those twins, she uses the booze to hide the pain. I just don’t know if I can hang any longer, don’t know if I should let me son see anymore, but I love the girl or who she used to be to death. I feel really bad about what I have done and what I am about to try and do. I fear she will not see this as the bottom and try and use it to better herself but will end up making it worse for her.

I am really looking for advice on what to do. I know I am the only one that can really make the decision but I am really torn about doing it. Do I have any other options? Can a divorce be drawn up, signed, served and then put on hold for how ever long?

If you think about it I have been with this girl since she was 18, been taking care of her for a long time, can she make it on her own with this problem? Have I just been and enabler in hibernation until this last two years?

TTOSBT

Wow.
First, welcome!
I am not the one to give the advice as I am the recovered alcoholic wife. Many others with sound advice will be along shortly.
and not this affects your divorce plan but has your wife received counseling around the adoption issue? It sounds like she could really benefit from some support on this issue.
I had an abortion when I was young and I know it has been a big issue for me to deal with.
Best of luck to you.

Still Waters

Hello Bowhunter, and welcome to SR

I'm in a bit of a rush this morning, but others will be along shortly I'm sure.

My immediate reaction to your post is: Safeguard your son and yourself, you are responsible for the two of you, not your wife. She is an adult and has been given the tools necessary to battle alcoholism in her AA meetings and prior rehabs. Give her the dignity of making her own decisions.

Signing those papers doesn't have to mean forever.

bowhnter7

Yes. Cousoling here at home and I am sure in rehab. She knows it's the trigger for her but just can't find a way to let it go.

Sunday night there was a message on the phone from the twins, it was about their HS graduation, just wanted to say "hey and that they graduated. Monday she had the terrible setback and ended up in jail.....here we are today.

She could be served as soon as tomorrow, it could be the final straw for her I afraid.

bowhnter7

She has spoken to someone in my family. Doesn't remember what happen or know what she did to end up in jail. Yeah know's what the charge was but doesn't actually remember or know what happen.

She's in for a rough time ahead.

TTOSBT

Oh, I do not envy her.
She has some work ahead of her.
Unfortunately she is just creating more wreckage to drink over.
It sounds like you have to take care of your son and yourself. She is going to have to want to help herself. Only she can do that.
In the meantime, are you attending Alanon or counseling? How about your son? I would strongly suggest getting your son some support. At this age, he could turn and start acting out in destructive ways if not supported in dealing with his feelings of anger, hurt, betrayal and abandonment by her.

isurvived

Glad you posted Bowhnter, it's a step in seeking help. Lots of great advice and insight here , and you will find it all helpful

I can sure relate to your story... very comparable to mine, except it was my husband, and I was the wife. We are divorced now. I too, saw the acceleration of all the incidences, and worried about safety issues, financial issues - and I can agree it is mentally torturing.

One thing you have to realize is that it is NOT your fault. You didn't cause it, couldn't stop it from happening. Likely the "twins" didn't cause it either. Regrets, we all have them. Your wife has a family history of alcoholism - and it is proven it is genetic. It is a disease. Which is a very good reason to protect and inform your children - as they are at risk for the same.

Are you doing the right thing by filing for divorce? If you are divorcing because you know it is what is right for YOU, yes, then it is the right thing to do. If you are threatening divorcing as a lesson/consequence to your wife - I can tell you that there is absolutely NOTHING we can do to stop them from drinking. Even this action. It all falls short. Only she can find that for herself - and sadly many never do.

As for the divorce process... yes, it can be put on hold - even after the papers are signed and served. It's a lengthy process, and probably so for a reason. Initially an emotional decision, it becomes a business matter towards the end. Very impersonal, very "cut and dried". A whole other challenge to deal with that you will work through little by little.

Me, coming out on the backside of this (divorce from my AH) I'm just trying to catch my breath. I have a minor son to still raise, and one grown son. Our family has been fragmented, but it is surviving. We are getting better, and healing. No longer do we have alcoholism in our face each day. It's a loss, but one we've been working through. And, at this point - I'm still happy I made the decision. It was the right one, and the only option I had left.

bowhnter7

Yes she does have some work ahead, some very hard work and I feel bad for her.

I am trying to believe the divorce is for me and my son. Even with her gone in just a few days, things around the house are so much less stressfull and I can see the difference in my son already. It's like a weight was taken off his shoulders. When she was gone for months earlier in the year it was the same.
We just can't go down this road with her anymore. I just feel really sorry for her and wish there was something I could do to get that person I love so much back, it all happen so fast. For a long time I have had anger and rage against it, now I am just so heartbroken and sad.

I know it's not my fault, I get that. I know she has to do it but she has never been a strong person, I have always been there for her, for a long time and I worry about her.

She's not using the tools she was given in AA or rehab, not fully anyway, it's been and up and down process. Kinda like that diet or exersice people want or should do. The biggest problem I don't understand is the help is there for her. Even that Monday morning she talked to her sponsor, sponsor smelled the booze and asked her, asked her if she needed help. Asker her about going to a meeting, refused it all and kept at it that day until I got home and found her drunk.

That's one of the hardest parts, leaving her alone or alone with my son wondering what's gonna happen casue way too many times it has turned out badly, many horrible stories.

suki44883

It all boils down to...Does she WANT to get sober? She has to want it more than anything else in the world. More than her love for you or her son. Until she is ready to admit that the most important thing in her life is to live as a sober person, nothing you do or say will matter. The threat (or reality) of divorce won't matter and yes, she very well might use that as an excuse to drink more. If that happens, it's not your fault and perhaps, it will get her into so much trouble that she finally makes the decision that enough is enough and sobriety will become the full focus of her life. All you can do is take care of yourself and your son. (((HUGS)))

bluejay6

I just want to say welcome, Bow. I'm sorry your family is in such crisis.

She is a woman now, not a girl, so be careful to see her as she is today, not as the image you carry from two decades ago. Take a good hard look at who she is today and stay in reality. She is not the same person and frankly never will be that person again, whether or not she sobers up.

She drinks because she is an alcoholic. She had likely crossed the invisible line into addiction before the twins showed up, because that is how addiction progresses (read "The Addictive Personality" for a description of the stages. The first stage is invisible to others.)
So now she drinks because she is an alcoholic and for no other reason. Once we start to attribute the drinking to emotional baggage, we lose sight of the reality of addiction: she cannot control her drinking and if EVERYTHING in her life was completely PERFECT, she would still drink. Very important that you get this.

Your 12 year old son should be the priority in every single choice you make. Therefore, if it were me, I would not allow him to have to be ravaged by a drunken mother in the home. You can stand up for him, draw a line, and stick by it come hell or high water. You had your childhood and she had hers. You two were happy at 18. Give him the same chance.

Glad you are here,
Bluejay

bowhnter7

Very insightful, thank you and you all. It feels really good to just type some of this out.

I know what I should and need to do, but that don't make it easy by any means. To watch someone you love go down and become this person so fast is a terrible thing to see. I can imagine how my son see's it. I have talked to him many times and it really sad to hear him say "Dad I really think we will be better off without her". To here a child say that about his mother is a terrible thing. My wife was so down about loosing those twins 18 years ago that she has lost sight of loosing her son too. Even just yesterday she told a family member of mine that she just doesn't want to loose her family.........she still doesnt' get that she has.

TakingCharge999

Hello bowhnter

Welcome, I am glad you found this site.

Your are responsible for yourself and your dear son. That is all.

Remember the 3 Cs:

- you did not cause her problem
- you never controlled it
- you cannot cure it

There are 2 Bonus C that are under our control:

- we shall not cooperate
- we shall not "count the drinks" or judge their progress or lack of it. Not our job.

And I got a special P I stole from poster "anvilhead"

- it was NEVER your job to prevent all this

To watch someone you love go down and become this person so fast is a terrible thing to see.

I agree with you ((hugs))

bluejay6

Bow, I re-read your post. You and your W "happy at 18" was probably incorrect. But perhaps "hopeful" when you found each other back then is the better term.

My mother gave up her first child for adoption. My mother did not become a alcoholic. I was abandoned by both parents at age 4. I did not become an alcoholic. One of my friends was raped. She did not become an alcoholic.

Pain is a part of the human life. Pain, regret, shame, fear....This is what AA calls "life on life's terms." Life involves emotional pain.

The addict at some point in his/her life decides he wants to control his experience of life and make it free of any negative emotion. He wants to "control happiness" by popping a pill or having a few drinks or snorting a line so he can feel GREAT again. Relaxed, powerful, untouched by emotional realities.

When you write "my wife was so down about losing those twins 18 years ago", I see a hook. If your AW manipulates you into acquiescence to her unacceptable addict behavior because she suffered a loss when she was 18, then you are in the web of the addict-codependent dance and it will be very hard to get out.

Every person on this forum has experienced some form of tragedy in their lives and many have experienced tragedy after tragedy. Some picked up a drink to deal with it and control how they felt. And some remained clean and sober and suffered every agonizing emotion.

Had it not been the issue of the twins, your W would have zoned in on some other life grief.....because somewhere along the path of her life she decided she didn't want to deal with things straight on if they made her feel bad. Many of us have had rough childhoods and many of us have lost children. But we did not make the choice she made to check out of our emotions because we wanted to feel good all the time.

In AA they call it "terminal uniqueness" when an alcoholic blames his "special life circumstances" as being the reason he drinks. It's a con. It's the disease hustling for a free ride.

Just be careful, ok? And are you seeing a counselor yet?

BJ

catlovermi

The greatest gift - lesson - you can give your son is how to make those agonizing, tough executive decisions that will end up in a better quality of life.

On the flip side, to not do that teaches him that he is lesser, that he must just take what life gives him and has no control over his life.

He has already spoken of his perspective with astonishing clarity, even though it's painful.

He's waiting to see what you decide to do. And what you decide will help forge his character, and his future, by the example you set.

Sending encouragement,

CLMI

LucyA

Welcome Bow, please while you're remembering this for yourself, encourage your son to do the same in a way he understands.
My nephew is the same age, and it took a lot of straight talking between us before he begun to come to terms with the fact that it was nothing he'd said or done or even who he was that caused his dads illness.

LucyA

my response to this has nothing whatsoever to do with this thread, and I apologise for hijacking, but that has really hit home with me regarding something I'm experiencing right now, thank you so much for those words.

bowhnter7

I feel robbed of about 20 years. I have been with a ticking time bomb all this time. Sucks......

I know, there have been times when she had "setbacks" and it was becasue she had a rough morning with my son, one time becasue she went to try and sell some clothes (prolly for drinking money) at a thrift store and they would not take em, some times she drank just becasue we thought she would. I got a ton of em....

I understand what your saying though. I went through it with her, I had a crappy childhood full of divorce and bad things, plus what's going on now, I deal with it...

I worry about my son's future and those twin girls. If it's genetic I mean.

You make it sound so hopeless for her, I know you prolly don't mean too.

I have seen a counsoler with her before and with all of us but never on my own or with my son. I know I prolly need to.

bowhnter7

I hear ya, thanks.

bluejay6

It is not hopeless for her. If she commits herself completely to recovery and DOES WHAT IT TAKES (not leaving out any of the hard work of the 12 steps) she can become a mature, dependable, humble, sober human being. Lots of recovering addicts on the Substance Abuse and the Alcoholism forums can prove it.

So don't give her a free pass, B. Hold her accountable.

bowhnter7

I know but how accountable do I go?

She's been convicted with assult, has 18 months probation, 36 weeks of classes and an alc eval. Protection order for this whole duration, so like 18 months I guess. Do I let that ride and see where she goes? Or serve he the papers I am signing in just hours? Maybe it's just neve gonna work, even if she was sober for a year and I saw it and took her back, she could have problems the next month? I just don't know...